Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers

Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers
ODAT said:
It is very possible that through the process of conditioning, his mind and body are sexually excited by the thoughts and behaviors
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Finding the safest and most comfortable way to cope and survive, separating pain from pleasure, looking for pleasure still always find pain with it
 
I’m glad it reopened ALSO Bruhbruhso many things need to be talked about cause MALES are naturally Sexual beings & how DARE our MOTHERS/ Stepmoms take advantage of our masculinity (Cause I feel that’s what those Bitches be attracted to that wanna molest us CAUSE they know they can trigger is & TRICK due to the face that they can ACTICIVATE out TESTOSTERONE at young age! Cause my Fucking step mom would constantly GRAB & RUB my non & my nuts 🥜 & whisper in your ear 👂 “I know you like that & SHE would rub my Cock & she would say oh wow I can tell your ginna be BIG down there 👇 just like your Dad when you get Older” LIKE WTF 🤬 is wrong with her BRO it’s like I can’t stop fantasizing about amhow beatific she looked in the bathtub naked & she had the most beautiful VAGINA & BREATS & after I could help it I beat my meat for SUPER long & I came for the first time thinking 🤔 about her GORGEOUS BODY!
 
Please 🙏 don’t JUDGE I’m ashamed of it but I just have to get it out BRO’S I literally have no 😎 BRUHS to talk that much cause I feel so alone I live with my aunt & cousin in the middle of nowhere & never have dudes around a to talk to!!
Who’s down to be my BRUH 😎
??
Lol 😂 JK
My Bad 😣!
 
TW: COCSA re-enactment is mentioned in this post.

It’s interesting that this thread has come back up as I am at a paradox in my healing around this right now. I feel this is a safe place and not alone in some of these challenges, brothers.

I had another EMDR session with my therapist and have discovered a paradox that is preventing me from integrating my inner-child into my Adult self.

  1. My inner-child was ruled by giving and receiving pleasure without pain and suffering. It was like cocaine. He was good at this and other children returned for more experiences of pleasure. no anal or vaginal intercourse. Only kissing, touching, skin to skin, oral and mutual masturbation. These childhood experiences of pleasure are deep in my soul and senses. These experiences rewired my brain for pleasure.
  2. Adult self wont allow integration of my inner-child accepting his actions and forgiving him. Instead my adult self wants to remove / rip out these feelings of uncontrollable pleasure that the inner-child experienced.
  3. Adult self has a fear that in accepting and integrating inner-child as he is with these experiences that he could be triggered and additional experiences of pleasure could happen involving a child in the future.
  4. All healing requires to unconditionally love, accept and integrate my inner-child as he is with my adult self.
 
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Devwayne420 said:
I’m glad it reopened ALSO Bruhbruhso many things need to be talked about cause MALES are naturally Sexual beings & how DARE our MOTHERS/ Stepmoms take advantage of our masculinity (Cause I feel that’s what those Bitches be attracted to that wanna molest us CAUSE they know they can trigger is & TRICK due to the face that they can ACTICIVATE out TESTOSTERONE at young age! Cause my Fucking step mom would constantly GRAB & RUB my non & my nuts 🥜 & whisper in your ear 👂 “I know you like that & SHE would rub my Cock & she would say oh wow I can tell your ginna be BIG down there 👇 just like your Dad when you get Older” LIKE WTF 🤬 is wrong with her BRO it’s like I can’t stop fantasizing about amhow beatific she looked in the bathtub naked & she had the most beautiful VAGINA & BREATS & after I could help it I beat my meat for SUPER long & I came for the first time thinking 🤔 about her GORGEOUS BODY!
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Oh & this Bullshit started at the age of 6
 
tanuki-san said:
It’s interesting that this thread has come back up as I am at a paradox in my healing around this right now. I feel this is a safe place and not alone in some of these challenges, brothers.

I had another EMDR session with my therapist and have discovered a paradox that is preventing me from integrating my inner-child into my Adult self.

  1. My inner-child was ruled by giving and receiving pleasure without pain and suffering. It was like cocaine. He was good at this and other children returned for more experiences of pleasure. no anal or vaginal intercourse. Only kissing, touching, skin to skin, oral and mutual masturbation. These childhood experiences of pleasure are deep in my soul and senses. These experiences rewired my brain for pleasure.
  2. Adult self wont allow integration of my inner-child accepting his actions and forgiving him. Instead my adult self wants to remove / rip out these feeling of uncontrollable pleasure that the inner-child experienced.
  3. Adult self has a fear that in accepting and integrating inner-child as he is with these experiences that he could be triggered and additional experiences of pleasure could happen involving a child in the future.
  4. All healing requires to unconditionally love, accept and integrate my inner-child as he is with my adult self.
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Sometimes I wonder if the abstractions we use to analyze what goes on inside our heads gets in the way of our reality. We don't actually have an inner child and an adult self living inside of us that need to be reconciled. We are only one person with many different threads.

Number 3 above can, perhaps, be restated simply as "I don't trust myself." Learning to trust is something that can only happen in the moment. Even if the origins of the distrust were in the past, the habit of treating oneself as something suspicious, unpredictable or even dangerous, grew and developed over years and was reinforced by many other experiences we had throughout our lives. The strategies we developed to deal with abuse do not simply disappear when we remember, or even relive, them. They can only be changed by experiences in the present, which can often be intensely uncomfortable and surprising.

I guess what I'm saying is that it seems to me that we were always already "Integrated" but that we now want to rearrange ourselves, so to speak, so that we no longer have to be governed by the rules and habits that were planted by our abuse and that we have tended for decades consciously or unconsciously. Those decades of experiences can never be undone. Even if we were to cauterize and heal completely the original wound, we would still be the men we grew I'm response to it, and to all the things that came before and after.

Good luck with your work!!
 
Induna said:
We don't actually have an inner child and an adult self living inside of us that need to be reconciled.
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Actually, we ALL have "parts", for less severe trauma, look at the concept of "Internal Family Systems" -- for more severe trauma cases, those can develop into full Dissociative Identities, part of DID.
 
But these "parts" are merely metaphors that help us think about and imagine what is going on. They are no different in this sense than Freud's Id, Ego and Super-Ego. I'm not saying that thinking about parts isn't useful or therapeutic. It can be a very helpful framework, but sometimes, maybe, we get lost in the metaphor.

I'm afraid these concerns come from my particular educational background and philosophical orientation, so I usually keep them to myself.

What matters is what works.
 
well, we can agree to disagree.
 
Induna said:
But these "parts" are merely metaphors that help us think about and imagine what is going on. They are no different in this sense than Freud's Id, Ego and Super-Ego. I'm not saying that thinking about parts isn't useful or therapeutic. It can be a very helpful framework, but sometimes, maybe, we get lost in the metaphor.

I'm afraid these concerns come from my particular educational background and philosophical orientation, so I usually keep them to myself.

What matters is what works.
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To an extent to the heart metaphorical end of an extent they are not. The fact of the matter is every identity that is integrated maintains some of the disparate parts that were present before integration. Now these are not separate identity parts, they are more like facets of a personality. But even once integrated they are just homogeneous and intrinsically connected. The idea behind parts work with IFS, and "inner child" work is an abstraction as a therapeutic tool I agree though. Well I see the parts as technically more in reality, abstracting them into more separate things is like you said not unlike Freud'd Id, Ego, and Super-Ego. But this is more semantic differences I know, the end effect is the same for sure. In his context it is about accepting one's past behavior, and mentally integrating that into current experience.
 
AlexBoyd said:
--Triggers--

There--I admit it--I sometimes eroticize my abuse.
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My wife does not like me making jokes about being a 70's porn star. I tell her it is a coping mechanism. She says I have a lot of them. She is right.

I find it is easier to laugh than to cry these days. She says I am weird, like that is a surprise.
 
Induna said:
They are no different in this sense than Freud's Id, Ego and Super-Ego.
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I think it depends on how cracked up you are. As I am healing it has become more like this. It didn’t use to feel like that.

I have more to say. But it is not the core topic of this thread. So I will start a different post about it
 
Tele1 said:
Devwayne420 thanks for bringing this post back to light. I have to go back to read from the start. Something I always struggle with. my abuse happened when I was 12, puberty in full swing. My thoughts would always go to my abuser since he was the first person to give me my first O. Definitely starting my sexuality on a strange path
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Kinda same here. I don’t always go there but when I do it creates confusing arousal. Also my first O came very young from abuser. Thinking about it gives me very mixed feelings.
 
So something I’ve always done when I was younger was eroticized my abuse when I was in my teens. He was the only thing I knew. He became my template. One thing that has always frustrated me as an adult and I’ve talk to my T about it a lot was the fact I always viewed my abuse as a positive experience. I can’t switch it in my head. I get so F ing pissed at myself. So hard to let that go
 
Tele1 said:
So something I’ve always done when I was younger was eroticized my abuse when I was in my teens. He was the only thing I knew. He became my template. One thing that has always frustrated me as an adult and I’ve talk to my T about it a lot was the fact I always viewed my abuse as a positive experience. I can’t switch it in my head. I get so F ing pissed at myself. So hard to let that go
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TW: COCSA re-enactment is mentioned in this post.

I am feeling the same way. My T is telling me to forgive and understand that it WAS satisfying for me as a child but that it is in my distant past and that I can’t rip these feelings of pleasure from my mind as they are wired into my brain and a part of my life story now. It is part of the ying and yang of my life. That as an adult I will not engage in these childhood experiences again (that my adult mind knows this is not acceptable behavior and would be damaging to myself and any child) and that I should not have any fear around this.

I also want to add that these were my experiences as a child and I’m sorry and wish to never disrespect the survivors here who have horrific experiences from their childhood.
 
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