Disclosing Abuse Everything I Know: A Comprehensive Post (Will be Updated as More Info Arises)
Tableau in Stasis
Registrant
Deep Breath alright let's get this done and done. In various post you're in there I've disclosed individual pieces of my story but this is to be the master list where it's all in one post. The incidents I know of will be ordered in order of recollection as I do not know the time frames and ofc {TW}
Incident 1
An adult man with a big bushy beard (similar to that of a close family friend at the time who's now a pastor). It makes them the only potential suspect. He said he loved me and not in a way that I think he was lying to me about. I truly believe he was very mentally Disturbed but of course I'm interpreting hazy memories from a young child's perspective. He was very gentle and would whisper tenderly into my ear during it (I practically punch people whenever someone gets really close to the back of my neck like that now). I don't know if this was one incident or multiple but I suspect multiple. I thought it was all good but still secret and this may have played into a situation in second grade. When I was getting a book from the back, a classmate showed off their underwear in the back of class (in a funny and look at this kind of way) but I was so convinced of it's wrong badness I ended up getting him suspended over it by taking it all the way to the principal. But as I do not know the timescale I do not know if it's occurred before or after any of the abuse. Only that I hadn't had a similar reaction to underwear exposure (intentional or otherwise) at a different time around the same age.
Incident 2
*Shudder* this is the one I'll report every fucking detail I remember to the authorities of even if I have to go straight up to the FBI. I'm working with an advocacy group so when I remember enough they can do that. This was when me and other boys were filmed doing sex acts, with sex collars on (learned this from the choking sensation in a flashback), and lord knows what other fetish material. I remember being told I was very valuable and I was a very desirable look. I believe I was kind of their Cash Cow and to this day I still panic about not looking right (ie young enough) for them. As I am underweight severely and quite short, removal of body hair is about all it would take to make me pass that young again (it was prepubescent of course but I've hardly gained any weight and like 6 in of height since about 12-14 anyway. I suspect this may have occurred at a church camp I went to as with my helicopter mother there would be few other times when I was away from her alone long enough. But I have really no way to confirm that as the memories contain almost no visual information thus far.
Incident 3
I remembered this like 1-2 months ago at most (the other two were at least 5-7 months ago when I first remembered some) and came about when I remembered something happening at this specific part of the specific Park. I had an image of this park in my head kind of as a flashback for a few months more but no association with anything else. And that kind of came to me the way I interacted with this older boy... Mirrored what I did with other abusers that I do remember. I sought that older brotherly relationship and it went sexual is what I suspect. Depending on our ages at the time (he'd like 4 odd years older) it may have been a normal part of child sex play for him but it wasn't for me.
Other than those events that are foggy I have my mother's 15 years of emotional abuse. Genuine fear of being gang r@ped by my cabin at a different church camp in July 2021 (wasn't a likely possibility but as the quiet new obviously gay one... I was blessedly invisible to them for some reason but I still feared them). My first relationship with my Boyfriend circa this time last year lasted 4 months, was MASSIVELY emotionally abusive in the manipulative insidious make my life hell because I'm helping him way. I got physically intimate in all but true genital contact ways and very nearly lost my virginity to him as "my idea" before I moved away. Then I met Crystal, got into an emotionally abusive (in the same exact way of manipulative helplessness) relationship, ended that ot January 25th of this year. I almost died that night (I have enough narcotics to do it because I moved up with them to keep them away from my mother who is suicidal because of her bipolar). I then threw myself into a sexual exploitative of time where I shared images videos media of myself all over online with personal people and impersonally. Met someone while doing that and within the week we were quote unquote long distance dating (they were in Spain). They got very unhealthy attached very quickly and seemed kind of obsessed with me. But then randomly ghosted me for a month about the same time that my best friend slap to some sense into me about what the hell I was doing. They finally came back with a message and I ended things off and that went pretty well but I still had to come to terms with the facts of what I've done. Since then just week or two ago I did the exact same pattern minus the rebound relationship because as I've learned I've been trauma reenacting my entire life.
In any case I believe that's for the most part everything I know now if I've missed anything I'll add it later, and as I find out more I'll update as we go. I did finally get the process started and will hopefully schedule with a dissociative disorder and complex trauma specialist shortly. I'll be lucky if I see you more than probably two five times over the years out to be honest but after that it'll probably get more consistent.
(Also wow that was longer than I thought it would be hah)
Incident 1
An adult man with a big bushy beard (similar to that of a close family friend at the time who's now a pastor). It makes them the only potential suspect. He said he loved me and not in a way that I think he was lying to me about. I truly believe he was very mentally Disturbed but of course I'm interpreting hazy memories from a young child's perspective. He was very gentle and would whisper tenderly into my ear during it (I practically punch people whenever someone gets really close to the back of my neck like that now). I don't know if this was one incident or multiple but I suspect multiple. I thought it was all good but still secret and this may have played into a situation in second grade. When I was getting a book from the back, a classmate showed off their underwear in the back of class (in a funny and look at this kind of way) but I was so convinced of it's wrong badness I ended up getting him suspended over it by taking it all the way to the principal. But as I do not know the timescale I do not know if it's occurred before or after any of the abuse. Only that I hadn't had a similar reaction to underwear exposure (intentional or otherwise) at a different time around the same age.
Incident 2
*Shudder* this is the one I'll report every fucking detail I remember to the authorities of even if I have to go straight up to the FBI. I'm working with an advocacy group so when I remember enough they can do that. This was when me and other boys were filmed doing sex acts, with sex collars on (learned this from the choking sensation in a flashback), and lord knows what other fetish material. I remember being told I was very valuable and I was a very desirable look. I believe I was kind of their Cash Cow and to this day I still panic about not looking right (ie young enough) for them. As I am underweight severely and quite short, removal of body hair is about all it would take to make me pass that young again (it was prepubescent of course but I've hardly gained any weight and like 6 in of height since about 12-14 anyway. I suspect this may have occurred at a church camp I went to as with my helicopter mother there would be few other times when I was away from her alone long enough. But I have really no way to confirm that as the memories contain almost no visual information thus far.
Incident 3
I remembered this like 1-2 months ago at most (the other two were at least 5-7 months ago when I first remembered some) and came about when I remembered something happening at this specific part of the specific Park. I had an image of this park in my head kind of as a flashback for a few months more but no association with anything else. And that kind of came to me the way I interacted with this older boy... Mirrored what I did with other abusers that I do remember. I sought that older brotherly relationship and it went sexual is what I suspect. Depending on our ages at the time (he'd like 4 odd years older) it may have been a normal part of child sex play for him but it wasn't for me.
Other than those events that are foggy I have my mother's 15 years of emotional abuse. Genuine fear of being gang r@ped by my cabin at a different church camp in July 2021 (wasn't a likely possibility but as the quiet new obviously gay one... I was blessedly invisible to them for some reason but I still feared them). My first relationship with my Boyfriend circa this time last year lasted 4 months, was MASSIVELY emotionally abusive in the manipulative insidious make my life hell because I'm helping him way. I got physically intimate in all but true genital contact ways and very nearly lost my virginity to him as "my idea" before I moved away. Then I met Crystal, got into an emotionally abusive (in the same exact way of manipulative helplessness) relationship, ended that ot January 25th of this year. I almost died that night (I have enough narcotics to do it because I moved up with them to keep them away from my mother who is suicidal because of her bipolar). I then threw myself into a sexual exploitative of time where I shared images videos media of myself all over online with personal people and impersonally. Met someone while doing that and within the week we were quote unquote long distance dating (they were in Spain). They got very unhealthy attached very quickly and seemed kind of obsessed with me. But then randomly ghosted me for a month about the same time that my best friend slap to some sense into me about what the hell I was doing. They finally came back with a message and I ended things off and that went pretty well but I still had to come to terms with the facts of what I've done. Since then just week or two ago I did the exact same pattern minus the rebound relationship because as I've learned I've been trauma reenacting my entire life.
In any case I believe that's for the most part everything I know now if I've missed anything I'll add it later, and as I find out more I'll update as we go. I did finally get the process started and will hopefully schedule with a dissociative disorder and complex trauma specialist shortly. I'll be lucky if I see you more than probably two five times over the years out to be honest but after that it'll probably get more consistent.
(Also wow that was longer than I thought it would be hah)
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