Disclosing Abuse Everything I Know: A Comprehensive Post (Will be Updated as More Info Arises)

Disclosing Abuse Everything I Know: A Comprehensive Post (Will be Updated as More Info Arises)
Deep Breath alright let's get this done and done. In various post you're in there I've disclosed individual pieces of my story but this is to be the master list where it's all in one post. The incidents I know of will be ordered in order of recollection as I do not know the time frames and ofc {TW}

Incident 1
An adult man with a big bushy beard (similar to that of a close family friend at the time who's now a pastor). It makes them the only potential suspect. He said he loved me and not in a way that I think he was lying to me about. I truly believe he was very mentally Disturbed but of course I'm interpreting hazy memories from a young child's perspective. He was very gentle and would whisper tenderly into my ear during it (I practically punch people whenever someone gets really close to the back of my neck like that now). I don't know if this was one incident or multiple but I suspect multiple. I thought it was all good but still secret and this may have played into a situation in second grade. When I was getting a book from the back, a classmate showed off their underwear in the back of class (in a funny and look at this kind of way) but I was so convinced of it's wrong badness I ended up getting him suspended over it by taking it all the way to the principal. But as I do not know the timescale I do not know if it's occurred before or after any of the abuse. Only that I hadn't had a similar reaction to underwear exposure (intentional or otherwise) at a different time around the same age.

Incident 2
*Shudder* this is the one I'll report every fucking detail I remember to the authorities of even if I have to go straight up to the FBI. I'm working with an advocacy group so when I remember enough they can do that. This was when me and other boys were filmed doing sex acts, with sex collars on (learned this from the choking sensation in a flashback), and lord knows what other fetish material. I remember being told I was very valuable and I was a very desirable look. I believe I was kind of their Cash Cow and to this day I still panic about not looking right (ie young enough) for them. As I am underweight severely and quite short, removal of body hair is about all it would take to make me pass that young again (it was prepubescent of course but I've hardly gained any weight and like 6 in of height since about 12-14 anyway. I suspect this may have occurred at a church camp I went to as with my helicopter mother there would be few other times when I was away from her alone long enough. But I have really no way to confirm that as the memories contain almost no visual information thus far.

Incident 3
I remembered this like 1-2 months ago at most (the other two were at least 5-7 months ago when I first remembered some) and came about when I remembered something happening at this specific part of the specific Park. I had an image of this park in my head kind of as a flashback for a few months more but no association with anything else. And that kind of came to me the way I interacted with this older boy... Mirrored what I did with other abusers that I do remember. I sought that older brotherly relationship and it went sexual is what I suspect. Depending on our ages at the time (he'd like 4 odd years older) it may have been a normal part of child sex play for him but it wasn't for me.


Other than those events that are foggy I have my mother's 15 years of emotional abuse. Genuine fear of being gang r@ped by my cabin at a different church camp in July 2021 (wasn't a likely possibility but as the quiet new obviously gay one... I was blessedly invisible to them for some reason but I still feared them). My first relationship with my Boyfriend circa this time last year lasted 4 months, was MASSIVELY emotionally abusive in the manipulative insidious make my life hell because I'm helping him way. I got physically intimate in all but true genital contact ways and very nearly lost my virginity to him as "my idea" before I moved away. Then I met Crystal, got into an emotionally abusive (in the same exact way of manipulative helplessness) relationship, ended that ot January 25th of this year. I almost died that night (I have enough narcotics to do it because I moved up with them to keep them away from my mother who is suicidal because of her bipolar). I then threw myself into a sexual exploitative of time where I shared images videos media of myself all over online with personal people and impersonally. Met someone while doing that and within the week we were quote unquote long distance dating (they were in Spain). They got very unhealthy attached very quickly and seemed kind of obsessed with me. But then randomly ghosted me for a month about the same time that my best friend slap to some sense into me about what the hell I was doing. They finally came back with a message and I ended things off and that went pretty well but I still had to come to terms with the facts of what I've done. Since then just week or two ago I did the exact same pattern minus the rebound relationship because as I've learned I've been trauma reenacting my entire life.

In any case I believe that's for the most part everything I know now if I've missed anything I'll add it later, and as I find out more I'll update as we go. I did finally get the process started and will hopefully schedule with a dissociative disorder and complex trauma specialist shortly. I'll be lucky if I see you more than probably two five times over the years out to be honest but after that it'll probably get more consistent.

(Also wow that was longer than I thought it would be hah)
 
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A lot of trauma to work through here, I think you are a very strong person to be able to still move forward, and a courageous one to be able to share it. I remember the "don't look young enough" element when I was being sex trafficked, and being shaved and dressed up to look even younger than I was. That has always disgusted me, as it left me with the feeling that somehow I had no value, even to these abusers. There is nothing I can say to make things better, but I hear you.
 
as it left me with the feeling that somehow I had no value, even to these abusers.
I mostly have to work on finding value in me and not because they found me valuable. Self-sourced value.
There is nothing I can say to make things better, but I hear you.
I would disagree, just hearing someone understand helps 🤍
 
Oh yeah and worth noting we don't blame Christianity even if our abuse may have centered around churches and church events. The religion didn't do that, my abusers did. We haven't nor will we ever be driven away from God because of what people who claimed to know him did (at least that's how we see it). Not to say that those churches aren't responsible for putting the wrong people in those positions, but that's again a human problem and I don't see that as being Christianities fault heh.
 
Thanks for your courage in sharing this, @Tableau in Stasis. I’m sorry you went thru all of that. No one should ever go through abuse like that. And I’m sorry you have been left at such a young age to pick up the pieces. But I’m proud of you for your courage and for tackling this now instead of trying to ignore it. It won’t be ignored. I will be hoping for healing in heaps for you, so that you may still live and love all the rest of living there is ahead of you. Reach out anytime you need anything.
- MO
 
I’m proud of you for your courage and for tackling this now instead of trying to ignore it.
I had some friends who made it very clear it was not something to ignore.
It won’t be ignored.
For this very reason in fact. It will make itself known and once it did it was clear. Telling my sister it's been a big deal because now that I've spoken it to her, if I try and backtrack, or go back on it, or say "oh it didn't happen or maybe I just made it up" she can be there to slap some sense into me. She makes sure the denial doesn't equate to me not pursuing treatment or help, nor me ignoring it.

As for how it makes itself known? I literally just got back from a riverside state park where because I went down to the shore I was triggered into my vaguest (but blessedly mildest) flashback for some reason. It will not be ignored and my mother (the truama I wholeheartedly accept) has NOTHING to do with water shores so it is not that. But if I was abused at a camp? Every camp I've been to has water shores be it lakes rivers or oceans... It won't be silent and now? I won't be silent either!
 
but I have really no way to confirm that as the memories contain almost no visual information thus far.
This describes my abuse as well - sedated, so "memories" are only body memories
 
This describes my abuse as well - sedated, so "memories" are only body memories
The human body as a cohesive organism is absolutely bonkers in it's complexity to the point of having apparent redundancies that only don't seem as such when the primary ceases it's function. In a way memory is one of those things with a less efficient but still partially effective "back up".
 
Incident 4: Happened near or in relation to a body of water, possibly at a summer camp which would explain my terror of possible gang r@pe (I have yet to be comfortable not censoring the word for some reason) at a camp in late July 2021. Sure I didn't know the other boys well and they made jokes and feigned SA on one of them, but there was perhaps something more. I was scared before that all happened and always am at camps to some degree. Later they talked about how boys can't be r@ped and such and as the little gay boy in the corner (not something I can hide give the 10 people that asked me if I was gay at that camp in only 5 days) I worried. And yet for some reason anytime I was around those boys both at camp and after, I was invisible. I guess I don't really really mind if it kept me safe but I didn't really do anything about their behavior. I've read case after case on male sexual cells and have for many years at this point (projecting much?) and I never understood quite so viscerally why people don't say anything until then. I don't really know the details of incident for not only really figured out it was separate like a week and a half ago or less but I figured I would update the post.
 
(I have yet to be comfortable not censoring the word for some reason)
My eyes usually read it as gan-grape. I don't like to say it or hear it, but when life doesn't have a filter, have had to adjust and keep going.
they made jokes
I'm not a very sensitive guy, well I am if I allow myself to be but I'm also not a soft guy. Everywhere I go people got jokes.

My last job I worked at for 2 years was a warehouse job, 12 hours, I worked days and nights alternating each month. Guys there would "joke" about raping me and even group rape. I didn't speak up about it or ever tell on them though I should of.. they had no clue I have actually been assaulted by a group of men before, how could they? It was just a joke, it had to be a joke. They wouldn't actually try to assault me right? I played it off as though I thought it was all a joke too ... I'm pretty sure that pushed me to the breakdowns I had later, and the year of not working and I found this website.

People gonna mess with you just to see if they can, and then they keep on pushing it. I'm one to let everyone walk all over me and hope they just lose interest. I'm slowly learning to stick up for myself. Not easy and takes time to be a man
 
My eyes usually read it as gan-grape. I don't like to say it or hear it, but when life doesn't have a filter, have had to adjust and keep going.

I'm not a very sensitive guy, well I am if I allow myself to be but I'm also not a soft guy. Everywhere I go people got jokes.

My last job I worked at for 2 years was a warehouse job, 12 hours, I worked days and nights alternating each month. Guys there would "joke" about raping me and even group rape. I didn't speak up about it or ever tell on them though I should of.. they had no clue I have actually been assaulted by a group of men before, how could they? It was just a joke, it had to be a joke. They wouldn't actually try to assault me right? I played it off as though I thought it was all a joke too ... I'm pretty sure that pushed me to the breakdowns I had later, and the year of not working and I found this website.

People gonna mess with you just to see if they can, and then they keep on pushing it. I'm one to let everyone walk all over me and hope they just lose interest. I'm slowly learning to stick up for myself. Not easy and takes time to be a man
Well they're busted ass jokes to make. But the whole thing that was strange was that the jokes weren't made towards me about me directed towards me I was invisible I wasn't even there. Literally just on a top bunk in the corner of a tiny room watching someone joke about r@pe and mime pulling someone's pants down and forcing oral. That's what scared me but I later came to realize I may as well have not been there at all, but it made it no less scary or traumatizing to sleep that night.
 
Incident 5: Re-remembered for between the 4-6th time heh. VD absed up emotionally, exposed us to porn repeatedly against our consent, prodded is into a manipulative spiral that left us feeling dark and evil, and showed up a text based porn game where you act out con/noncon and many many other fetishes and abuse. He made us feel like shit anytime we weren't talking with him. He made us VC all the time despite us being uncomfortable with it. We went back to him 3 times after blocking him and feeling bad about it between 11/10/21 and 8/21/22.
 
So the night of the 19th I recovered a memory in a dream and just forgot to add it till now haha. This is my most detailed memory (all 5 senses recorded) so bigger Trigger Warning potentially? I believe I was between 5-7 maybe 8 in this memory.


There were three maybe four men sitting on a dark leather couch. One had a sort of square ottoman in front to them and had their legs on either side of it as they lay back. I remember the looks and sort of the words of two other men on the couch to the right. There may have been one more man but it's on the edge of the "frame" and didn't speak if he was there. I can see their faces what they were wearing and such, all probably 40s or 50s no more than 60 salt and pepper hair and some small beards/goatees. Unfortunately I do not recognize any of them so I can't identify who they were or find out if they're related to a different incident or are separate. The man by the ottoman (I'll call him T for a sort of triangular face and trilby hat) was wearing dark aviators and black and white pattern striped shirt with a sorta deep v. He beckoned me with a sort of "I am more powerful than you" air and commanding tone. "Hey boy, come here" he then removed his pants and instructed me to perform oral. As I was experiencing this memory essentially as a flashback, I knew my own thoughts in those moments. I knew I was slightly confused as I was new to this but it wasn't quite the first time. His penis is frankly the most unique thing about him due to what my guess is a botched circumcision with full frenectomy. He had a strange divot at the site of the removed frenulum the likes of which I've never seen, and a small skin bridge from the corona to a spot next to it. Once I began the oral (thankfully have always had concious control over my gag reflex) he became frustrated I wasn't doing very well. His friends laughed at my efforts and remarked something like "haha don't expect to much, he's still learning". F then grabbed me by the head and forced me to speed up before releasing and having me continue. I can still smell that room, I can taste his fucking pre seminal fluid and hear his voice and feel his hands. He wasn't initially going to cum in my mouth but after transitioning to a standing position and fetching something to cum into, we resumed and I got a half mouthful before jerking back and getting sprayed on my shirt. I then took my shirt off to try and wipe up and dry it with some napkins and the dream ended as I woke up.


It frustrates me that the memory I have sight smell taste hearing and touch senses all intact for us none of the incidents I had other fragments of, and is royally unhelpful a building out my abuse narrative for now but c'est la vie I suppose. The other thing that's disturbing to me is I feel as though that either was the origin of, or a strengthener of a... heh fetish I suppose for pre cum. Also my dislike for actual cum is strange but his was nasty. It's one thing to know intellectually that much of my tastes and preferences were likely influenced by my abuse, but it's another to be so personally aware of it. I almost wish I didn't know what I was thinking then as confusion turned to glee, and the perverted to the enjoyable. Experiencing that encounter and comparing it to the sexual ventures of today it's mind bending to understand how long I've been sexually activated (I would say a better term than sexually active for me). It's kind of disturbing to know how I responded to that as a child.
 
Oh right I totally forgot to add the small detail I remembered like a month or so ago.

I think part of where my bouts of castration anxiety came from was an incident in which I remember being quite violently orally raped. Because I recovered that brief flashback after being triggered by a trans woman saying that they just want "to cut it off" in reference to their penis. And I had a few periods of time where I had really bad constant intrusive thoughts about that happening various brutal ways.
 
On Friday with my T I connected the dots on why being very cold can genuinely be triggering for me.

First off when I was about 2 and a half, I have my earliest memory of doing cold air inhalation for my croup cough I had developed at the time. As is part of the course with memories before superconscious thought or narrative memory develop, it's merely a somatic memory of remembering how utterly horrible it felt.

Fast forward to second grade when I was 7 and I had been put into public school from The homeschool I had done the rest of my life because and I quote "he is too much... I can't deal with him/them" according to my mother. They say the scariest thing to a child is inconsistency, and I can attest to that. It was at this time I realized that I couldn't trust her to be consistent, or always working for my best interest. So on a cold spring morning (which I suspect may have been a very similar time of year to that younger memory) as I felt the cold burn throughout my entire body I recall thinking: what if that cold could stay within me? What if the cold what if the ice what if the separation could enter my very soul.

Now I've had access to its memory for a while, in fact it is one of my few childhood memories I know a specific age and time of year for. But it was just Friday that I realized that may well have been the day that the system formed. I knew it was the day I separated my emotions and they became an on-off switch. But thinking further it would make a lot of sense because we have a remaining altar who appears to embody that cold and ice and separation. And we have our suspicions that they are the oldest one or something close to.
 
Unfortunately (or, as my therapist says, fortunately...we disagree on this as my nightmares turned worst into night terrors), after nearly 2 years of therapy, I remember everything. Every detail. Every damned sight, smell and even taste.
As a result, have no friends and hard time around people especially men...
 
.
 
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