My Survivor Story (and progress from this past year) ** Trigger Warning **

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Hello, I am “NC-Survivor” aka Καλλικρατης (Kallikrates - call me "Kal")

I have been at MaleSurvivor for a bit over a year now and thought it was time to do a formal “Survivor Story” for the forum. I have shared most, if not all, of this information in various posts, but hope to consolidate it all into this one post.

I originally joined MS back in March of 2019 after watching HBO’s "Leaving Neverland" documentary and the Oprah special that followed. Yes, it triggered many things inside of me and knew it was time to work through more of my CSA issues - again.

I am currently in my mid-50s. Youngest of 3 kids (2 older sisters).

Parents separated, then divorced when I was 7 or 8. Stayed with my mom. Contact with dad was less and less until hardly any. I tried to be the good kid, making things easier on my mom. Inside, I was a mess - but I didn't understand why. I didn't understand why I had a hard time making friends -- a hard time trusting -- especially guys. As I got older, my mom remarried: a guy who also didn't want children. More rejection.

When I was a young man in college (age 20, but looked like 16 - late bloomer) a Methodist Minister at the church I was attending "took an interest" in me. I was flattered. Loved to get the attention from a man I very much admired. Apparently, he was actually a pedophile and liked teenage boys. He came to my college apartment (I lived alone at the time) for a visit. Things lead to him touching me in places he shouldn't (including tugging on my penis). Something inside of me knew I had to stop him. I got him to stop and he left.

I eventually was able to confront him 2 years later through his church leadership, but he basically got a wrist-slap (he was near retirement age), and a mild warning to his local church that he needed to stay away from teens and children. (more about this later)

After college, I moved out of state, several states away. Started seeking therapeutic support groups for what happened in college, and the SSA I was experiencing (I had similar feelings since 7th grade - these included sexual fantasies that mirrored the abuse and porn addiction). Through the support group and reading different stories, I realized I was an abuse victim as a young child. Memories I had blocked out. Additional support groups and church-related counseling helped me fill in the blanks. I also got confirmation that my own father had sexually abused all 4 of his younger sisters when they were children (he was the oldest of 6). The same method (forced oral) he used on them was what I also remember happening to me. This filled in the blanks - he was my abuser:

Therapy has uncovered more of exactly what happened. My abuse, however, happened when I was only a toddler. I was about 3 years old. My father would get mom drunk so she would pass out and not know what was going on. He would then get me to drink beer via a sippy cup (or use other forms of sedation) - hoping I would get too impaired to remember. He would then force oral sex on me - pleasuring himself in my tiny mouth and throat. His entire weight (250+ pounds - he was a large man) engulfing my small 3-year-old body. I was immobilized. Completely helpless. I could not move.​
This happened multiple times, multiple nights. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of times. I was not his only victim. As I mentioned, he did the same thing to his 4 younger sisters when they were little. He may have also done it to my 2 older sisters and his younger brother - I do not know (1 of my sisters and his only brother have passed away, my surviving sister has almost no memories from childhood whatsoever).​

Picture of me at age 3:
xfLLv2.png


Since this uncovering, I have attended survivor support groups and professional therapy. I have come a long way in my road to healing.

I have been married to a great woman for almost 30 years and have 2 kids (boy and girl) - both recently graduated from college. They all know my story and are all supportive.

SSA is still an issue, but less now. I have always had a fear and distrust of men as a result of my abuse. My healing journey has helped with that a lot. I am now heavily involved with and serve in the Men's Ministry in my church (non-denominational evangelical).

I tried to bring up the abuse to my mother, but she seemed pretty clueless. She knew about the abuse by my father towards his sisters but said she could never quite "wrap her head around it." I decided not to push the issue. Also, both she and my father were heavy drinkers at the time. I assume she had absolutely no idea what was happening. She then passed away a few years ago before I could bring up the subject again.

However, a few years before my mother passed away, my wife and I were able to get more information about her marriage to my father. It turns out, my mother never wanted children. She had a bad experience with her own mother and did not want to be responsible for other children. My father insisted. Once we got old enough where he lost interest, he left us. So my mother was now a single mother with 3 kids she originally never wanted. This also means that the only reason I was born was apparently to satisfy his pedophlia.

In the past year since joining MS, I have made huge leaps on my own healing journey.

In early April 2019, this update happened:

I had my first appointment with my new Christian Therapist (last professional therapy appointment was August 2018). Session went well. I was amble to share almost all of my story. He is helping me look for a PTSD Specialist. Focus with him will be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I started a Therapy Journal in MS describing my therapy progress.​

In mid-April 2019, this update happened:

I was inspired by those on MS who are battling clergy abuse head-on to re-open that chapter in my life (being abused at age 20 by a Methodist Minister). I reached out to the National UMC organization to let them know what had happened. I document the entire experience in another MS post. It was both informative and frustrating. The minister had passed away in 2014, but he had actually sent me an apology letter which I never received until 2019. Also after my initial report, 2 other victims came forward, though their abuse had 10 years and 20 years prior to my own. UMC offered to pay for my therapy but they ended up offering me an insultingly low amount, (along with a ridiculously complicated reimbursement procedure) so I refused to take it and we remain at an impasse for now. I ended up sharing my story with a newspaper covering my college town, which ran the story in the fall of 2019. UMC refused to cooperate with the newspaper for the story. (Full story is here on MS)​

In May 2019, this was uncovered:

After sharing some “half memories” from my childhood here on MS, we were able to deduce that I was also Trafficked by my father to multiple boy-swap events (this was later confirmed in therapy). This happened between the ages of 5 and 8. He brought me to these events so other male “perps” could abuse me while my father could abuse other boys that had been brought. I was sedated during these events so the memories have been sparse. I created an entire thread on this new “revelation” in the Paid-Members-Only section of MS.​

Me at age 6 (during the time of this Trafficking Abuse):
dIMyCm.png


In July 2019, I shared this update:

I started going to a PTSD-Therapist today. I shared my story. I received a formal PTSD Diagnosis with some “Dissociation Behaviors”. After several sessions, this was adjusted to “PTSD with dissociative symptoms.” The main therapeutic modes he uses with me are "CRM" which stands for "Comprehensive Resource Model" (a less severe alternative to traditional EMDR therapy, especially when the trauma memories are less visual). He also uses Huna Therapy (which is based on traditional Hawai'ian Healing practices). Both have been extremely helpful in my healing. He is like a PTSD endoscopic surgeon: knowing exactly where to guide his tools to reach the part that needs to be addressed without leaving my guts spilled all out. I am able to go back to work within an hour after my sessions and function pretty well the rest of the day.​
We were able to recover more of the body/muscle memories associated with the Trafficking Abuse. I can remember multiple men, multiple “positions” and “acts” being done to me, far beyond what my father had ever done to me.​
We were able to discuss my “parts” (ego-states, fractured parts of my psyche due to the abuse). I had previously (in my previous therapeutic journeys) uncovered 3: ScaredChild, VaultKeeper, Warrior (along with my AdultSelf). Part of the therapy is to find “Power Animals” (kind of like a “Spirit Animal”) — something from nature that each part can derive strength and comfort from during the healing process. I was able to assign an animal to each of the 4 parts, and we have since uncovered 2 additional parts (named “EnduringLad/Seven” and “Trauma Keeper” both parts from the 5-8 year old self that experienced the Trafficking Abuse) - each being assigned an animal: AdultSelf - Lion, Seven - Sea Lion, TraumaKeeper - Dog, ScaredChild (aka “Three”) - Otter, VaultKeeper - Owl, WarriorSelf - Bald Eagle. To honor these parts, I have added them to my MS Signature line (it appears on all my posts on a PC, and on a mobile in Landscape Mode or Desktop Mode).​

Image from my Signature Line:
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As some of these parts have successfully completed their roles during therapy, in my case, they end up “graduating” by somehow merging with their Power Animal with a newly assigned positive role to play in my ongoing Mental Health: WarriorSelf/Eagle became “SecurityChief”; VaultKeeper/Owl became “WisdomGiver”; Three/Otter became “FunGiver.” Seven/Sea Lion and TraumaKeeper/Dog remain active and have yet to “graduate.”​
Also, my therapist and I have dealt with my hypervigilance (a key symptom of the PTSD) which has been healed. Also dealt with issues of Trauma Flashbacks, Food Addiction, Body Shame, and Fear of “getting healthy.”​
(I go into more details in the Therapy Journal)​

In August 2019, I shared this update:

My story got updated today - with PTSD-Therapy we uncovered even earlier trauma by my father - seems it actually started when I was an infant - only a few months old. This news inspired me to write 2 poems about the abuse (here & here).​

Picture of me as an infant, around the age of the initial abuse:
oPAnb4.png


I am now at a place where I wish to continue to reach out to other survivors via this forum to help me further along on this healing path.
 
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