Being Trafficked in First Grade {TRIGGER WARNING}

[NC-Survivor]

Being Trafficked in First Grade

Such confusion
Darkness … dizziness.
Sometimes outside, near a fire - too hot.
Sometimes in a building on a cement cold floor.

Tied up can't move.
I want to leave but I can’t.
I want to wake up from this nightmare - I can’t

Feeling nauseous
Like I had the flu
I am scared and alone
But not alone - lots of men

Men who do things, new things
Things that are bad, that are wrong.
Messy … slimy … dirty … EVIL!

Hands are tied
I can’t wipe off the filth
They go all night
Will this ever end?

Half-awake, half-asleep
Like a zombie
But I feel everything

When they are done they clean me off
I can still smell the bleach.
The shower nozzle is too strong
The water hurts

The bleach-soap hurts worse
I can feel it on all my cuts and scrapes.
It burns

They put our clothes back on
So we can go back home
“Good as new”
… lies …

"We just went camping
Cuts and scrapes are part of the fun"
… more lies …

"We are going again in a couple of weeks
He really had a good time
He wants to go back again
It is good for him"

“Why do you always get to go camping?”
“Why doesn't he take us girls, too?”
“Huh?? What camping trip?”

*******************

We must protect the boy.
We have to hide this secret.
It will break him
He would die

We will lock up this secret
Then he can breathe
And we will all survive.

*******************

Why can’t I remember first grade?
I remember kindergarten.
My teacher was really nice
I “Can Zip & Tie”

I remember second grade
We had a pancake meal together
That was my last week before moving.

I can’t remember First grade
Oh well, it must not be important.

 

[MO-Survivor]

Kal, thank you for sharing this. I'm sure it is so difficult to continue to remember more and more details of what happened to you when you were very young. And yes... the coverups, the lies, and the implied (and sometimes spoken) command to never talk about it. That led to never remembering. And locking it all away.

Peace (eventually) as you continue processing through the memories and emotions, the loss and the sadness.

 

[NC-Survivor]

Thanks, MO

 

[Greybeard]

Sickening, powerful. I very much understand processing through poetry, and this just makes my heart bleed for you. It makes me feel so fortunate that my own experiences, which I always thought so dreadful, were nowhere near as vile. It must take great courage for you to move on and live, and opening up like this about it is a testament to your strength

 

[NC-Survivor]

Sickening, powerful. I very much understand processing through poetry, and this just makes my heart bleed for you. It makes me feel so fortunate that my own experiences, which I always thought so dreadful, were nowhere near as vile. It must take great courage for you to move on and live, and opening up like this about it is a testament to your strength

Thanks, GB

 

[82Tango]

So heartbreakingly tragic and horrifying.
I just can't comprehend (nor do I wish to) the evil that is involved in this kind of brutal cruelty to a beautiful, innocent child.
It chills the soul.

My heart goes out to both of you, Kal.

 

[NC-Survivor]

thanks!

So heartbreakingly tragic and horrifying.
I just can't comprehend (nor do I wish to) the evil that is involved in this kind of brutal cruelty to a beautiful, innocent child.
It chills the soul.

My heart goes out to both of you, Kal.

 

[.aseity]

Feeling nauseous
Like I had the flu
I am scared and alone
But not alone - lots of men

I froze and got stuck here

Half-awake, half-asleep
Like a zombie
But I feel everything

It resurrected personal feeling for me to read, I cry now to see you wrote this and I am so helpless inside to understand I can escape myself in the dissociations, but it is pure heartache to know it is others. Thank you for being here Kal

*******************

We must protect the boy.
We have to hide this secret.
It will break him
He would die

We will lock up this secret
Then he can breathe
And we will all survive.

*******************

This speaks forever and ever. We want this to uphold. It will break him. He would die. Unchanging to time. Keeping it separate from every bit of living that convinces us everything is fine. It must be.

And we will all survive.

So much surrender. So much sacrifice. So much loss. The compromise to survive.
(((@NC-Survivor )))

 

[NC-Survivor]

I cry now to see you wrote this and I am so helpless inside to understand I can escape myself in the dissociations, but it is pure heartache to know it is others. Thank you for being here Kal

Hugs to you, brother.

 

[.aseity]

 

[Tableau in Stasis]

I can’t remember First grade
Oh well, it must not be important.

This resonates so strongly. It's exactly what we did for every missing year every time.