A Father's "Love" - ⚠ trigger warnings ⚠

A Father's "Love"

In my crib, soft and warm
Asleep for the night
Soft warm blanket
protects me from cold

My father enters the room
I can smell his cologne
Old Spice lingers in the room

He removes the blanket
He cradles me in his arms
like so many times before
warm, soft, safe, loving

He places me on the cold floor.
This is new
Why am I here?

What is this in my mouth?
I can't breathe!
So scared!
What is happening?

So much weight
Unable to move
Terror!

Coughing up
New smells, new tastes
So frightened
What happened?

I cry.
I am wiped down
Placed back in my bed

Covered in my blanket
protects me no more
I cry myself back to sleep
Every night

My father's "love"

******************************

(me at age 7 months)
 
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this is from the new stuff we uncovered yesterday in my PTSD Thearpy session. (abuse actually started when I was only a few months old)
 
I just attended WoR, and 1 of the Artsy things they encouraged us to do was to create a T-shirt. my inner child (at 7 months, who authored this poem) got really excited about sharing this in COLOR! So, above, is the finished project. It will be added to the collection of T-shirts and will be shared at Future East Coast WoR-related events.
 

rayA

Registrant
Now I know what it feels like to be hit by a freight train! Oh God! I don't think there are enough words in the English (or any other) language to describe the horror, and pain. My heart reaches out to you in love .. and friendship .. and support. (I say this often but), I wish I had that magic wand that I could just wave and make all the bad stuff disappear forever and ever... But - I can't. The only thing I CAN offer, I do: myself. It took so much to create that shirt .. and you can actually see the pain, and tears in the words.. I'm SO sorry Kal. I don't know what else to say right now. :(
 

2Bnormal51

Registrant
Oh my, no words can express.......one thing I can say is my abuse also started before I was one. But by my mother.
I only can thank the Gracious and Merciful Lord, that He saved me and has been there for me all of my life before I even "knew" HIM!
It's been a long road for you, I am sure. It's been the same for me.
Lord bless you.....
 

CalabrianBambino

Registrant
Feel with you, man. Father is an alcoholic who got arrested last year and destroyed our entire family’s stability. We’re all in this together. Much love ❤
 

Larry

Registrant
@NC-Survivor
What could have been.
What should have been.
But never will be.

We are brothers.

You are making such significant strides in your recovery it's amazing. You are facing this pain head on. You aren't numbing out and there is no dissociation. That is true courage my friend. I know about numbing and dissociation all too well. CSA age 4. I admire you.
 
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