DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder - how many of us have it??

Dissociative Identity Disorder - used to be called "Multiple Personality Disorder" - This has been popularized by Hollywood, especially Soap Operas for dramatic purposes.

Going though T over the years, I discovered I do, indeed have some form of it. Reading more about it, it is almost always caused by severe abuse as a child. When the abuse happens, our personality "splits" so that our conscious mind can be numb from the abuse while another portion takes on the abuse, then hides it away.

One T described it like a glass marble that is thrown to the ground so hard, it shatters, but remains intact. You can clearly see the fracturing throughout.

This is why many of us have suppressed memories. I call that portion of mine the "Vault Keeper" - He has all of those painful secrets locked up in a vault, inaccessible from conscious memory. However it is an imperfect system, as the contents within the vault occasionally leak out in different ways in our conscious mind, interrupting our lives & thoughts.

It took a lot of therapy to convince him that I was in a safe space and it was alright to unlock that vault, the one that contained the memories of my perp-father abusing me when I was 3. I now have pretty clear recollection of what happened.

There are others as well. I think many of us, the "fracture" of our personalities are more subtle. We may not even realize it when they take over. I spoke this morning of the "Scared Little Boy" part of my personality that was very scared about me going to a new support group tonight with MEN I do not know. Once he "took over" this morning, I could not stop crying.

I also have a "Warrior" side - when I see injustice happening, he takes over and boldly fights for others.

There are others, too - but they all, except Vault Keeper, reside in different parts of the conscious - so that all actions taken by these "facets" are still remembered.

Others (as often dramatized by Hollywood) have more extreme personality "Breaks" that actually Take Over - and the main personality has no memory of what happens during those times. I have met people who have this type. Some "alters" are different ages and different developmental stages (where they FORGET skills and other things that had been learned by older alters).

Some even have active 2 or more alters, "battling" or co-existing in the consciousness.

My next battle, I do not know if it is the same Vault Keeper or a 2nd Vault Keeper - I experienced some type of trauma during 1st grade. I always remember NOT remembering 1st grade - very weird. I remember a lot before and after and a few small events during, but overall, it is a black hole!! Whatever happened, it is still tightly locked up!! How it leaks into my life, I do not know since I have no inkling what happened.

How many of us here have DID?? Probably a lot!! If you have "holes" in your memory, you probably do! Something to discuss with your T!!
 
I do. I have alter personalitie, that shows up when I’m very stressed or in a lot of emotional pain. He is a totally different personality then me. He has his own history and life. Thankfully he only takes up space in my head and has never come out and taken over my life, even though he has threatened to. But I do use his intrusions as a guide that I need to address issues and slow down.
 

Tom E.

Registrant
I shut down & went numb during my last assault. Before that, my other assaults, as a young adult, were while I was very heavily intoxicated.
As a child some of my sexual experiences were pleasurable, others were traumatizing.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
I suffer dissociative episodes as well as dissociative fugues. It is on the right of median on the spectrum but not DID. For me, I disconnect for periods of time, I lose sense of identity and self. I have no memory what happens during these episodes. I was hospitalized and have medical diagnosis. I have been told it is my coping mechanism to run from the memories of the abuse and other stressful situations. The hard part for me, is the lack of memory, what did I do, where did I go. Doctors have different theories from escape or possible to relive what happened during the abuse. Whatever did happen I have learned not to let it impact my life. I use to try to force memories, and none came. When I walk in places where I was found I think was I here and there, did I see any of these people.

I remember during the abuse thinking I was looking down at me and it not being me. The doctors said this was the beginning of my use of dissociation to escape.

When you tell some people and even some in the medical arena they look at you like you are nuts. I have come to believe they are nuts because they are harming a survivor because they refuse to speak to experts. It is their "bad" and not mine. As I heal I have been fortunate the episodes seem to subside.

It is real and until those who fail to believe, do not judge until one walks in our shoes.

Kevin
 

WG

Registrant
I, too, have had episodes of this. I do remember at times feeling like I was somewhere else when the abuse was going on. I felt like It was floating or somewhere near the corner of the ceiling. My T has also said that there were times of complex trauma - where, as I said elsewhere in another forum, that I would just walk off with strangers like at a carnival or at a sportsmen's show with my Dad and brothers. I do recall doing so at an exposition of new cars for 1958 - how and why I recall that particular episode I don't know. I do remember walking along with these people and after a while they asked me who I was and if my folks were nearby. I said I didn't know. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't feeling lost or hurt. Just gone. I know there were others, my folks told me so in later years. Another one I recall was visiting family in Central Kansas. I just started walking away from my aunt & uncles' farm and walked for a very long time down a dirt road that paralleled a creek with poplar trees. Again, not afraid, not worried in the least where I was. Just gone. My T knows these things, however I've never told a medical professional.
 

DanielQ432

Registrant
I think we probably all do to some degree. Kevin’s term - spectrum - is really apt, because it’s not an all or nothing for most of us, it’s much more of a back and forth between completely being in the present reality, and being completely tuned out.

I also like the shattered marble analogy a lot. Who am I now? Depends on the day’s triggers, where I am emotionally and how some trigger stirs the emotional pot and what then floats to the surface, and quire frankly for me, probably what the setatonin and dopamine levels in my brain are, whether I’ve been taking welbutrin and prozac like I know I should bur often - usually - don’t.

It’s all very much a case of being caught in the gravity well of an emotional black hole, and trying to fight against it, back and forth between worse and better states, but never being able to break free.

I do know that I’m lost in internally-focused dark thoughts of “poor me” victim mentality way too much of the time, and my present reality suffers, because I go through a lot of my life fucking things up in the real world from lack of focus or attention to details.

Dumb-ass shit like bouncing checks/electronic payments and getting zapped with overdrafts because I’ve mindlessly tuned out kinda important real-world stuff like bothering to deposit two or three or four paychecks in a row, while simultaneously never bothering to take the 10 seconds to log in to my bank and complete the process of linking my savings acct to my checking acct for automatic overdraft protection. Or opening my mail, not even the envelopes from the bank that clearly are not just the regular statements. Stuff like that.

Lost in my own inner world, drifting through my life some pathetic loser, constantly fucking things up, never really fixing my problems.
 

PRFL

Registrant
When I first met my T, early on in treatment I asked him about the possibility of DID, just because I was curious having read about it. He didn't think so, he told me he would tell me if the thought so. Since he didn't know me well enough back then, I put the matter aside and haven't thought about it. I don't think I dissociate to the point of completely having fugue states or alter personalities, but reading the above posts reminds me that I seem to have a big blank around sometime in my second grade. Being that now i'm older and a bit more forgetful (Senior moments, yay!) everything seems a bit fuzzy now, anyway. But something else I've noticed in the present, is that I don't seem to fantasize about myself. For example, I'm an amateur musician, and I would love to be able to get up on a stage an play in a public concert. The thing is, that I fantasize about someone else being the one playing, usually the music that I'm trying to learn and master. Another, more recent example, which seems so weird to me, is that I tend to have mental arguments with my T or counselor, and sometimes rehearse in my mind what I'm going to be arguing about, but instead of it being me, it may be somebody else I know, in particular it may be a couple of former clients of mine, one of them being female! They would cry the tears or express their anger but it is hard for me to visualize myself being the one doing that. I have no idea if this is a form of dissociation, but it might be in the territory. Anybody else has had this happen?
 
not sure, but "healthy"? probably not. Definitely needs to be brought up in T
 

PRFL

Registrant
Hi, NC, I’m not sure if your above post was meant for me or for somebody else, as I don’t recall mentioning the word “healthy” so just curious. If it was for me, my T put me in detention (not really but that’s how it feels) so I’m not allowed to see him for a few more weeks. The DBT counselor is making a point that she’s there to teach me DBT skills, not to process things, so I’ll have to wait for the time being.
 
yes, PRFL, it was. Yes I know you are in "time out" from T. IMO, the fact that you don't "dream" about yourself is huge! Tons to unpack there. I am not a T, not sure if it is related to DID or not. Kudos to you for acknowledging this. That is the first step to getting it addressed. Sounds like it will be worth the wait ;)
 

2Bnormal51

Registrant
Kal,

This is just amazing! This is what I suffer from, "DID"!
I grew up and all through my adult life, I lived with differing masks!
I also just this week discovered that the "Warrior side" is also known as "Hyper Vigilance" syndrome, also known as Complex Stress syndrome, which is associated with persons that suffer from "PTSD" Post traumatic Stress Disorder"!
The Lord also revealed to me in a "vision" while I was praying giving thanks for my breakfast, where the Lord showed me a HUGH Vault, very thick steel vault doors that opened Horizontally, and this withered little hand poked out of a very small opening in the Vault, and on the other side, the Lord's hand in brilliant light was shown, and these words came to me, "no matter how many times you close the vault doors, I am always here for you to help you open the vault door. I will never leave you nor desert you.
Now you describing your "Vault" experiences truly reveals what the Lord was telling me. This vision happened back in 1990! And it has been a long, arduous struggle with such deep depressions, and at times I thought I was loosing my mind, He has seen me through it all, and still is!
What timing this is too come across your postings!
Thank you, and I thank the Lord!
 
Thanks 2B - glad I could help. I love your PTSD description. This is actually helpful since I think I may suffer from PTSD but have never been diagnosed.
 

Jacob S

Registrant
I don't talk about it. Too many people have not understood.
 

MACH123

Registrant
IDK I just lump it in as alters (disassociation) which is expected in trauma? Borderline personality disorder is close also? Not quite multiple personalitys but close. I have very defined alters and it's funny how they talk to the therapist. I can feel it when they switch and someone else starts talking. I was diagnosed bi polar and BorderlinePD but, now I'm just in trauma therapy.
 
Top