Filled with contempt at times and I place it on people who don't deserve it

Filled with contempt at times and I place it on people who don't deserve it
E

EdfromNYC

Registrant
I hate that I have to deal with this that other people don't have to deal with it. I don't wish it upon them but I want understanding. I think my fear of facing it or dealing with it alone or admitting all of the dynamics around my CSA is very painful and scary and I don't have good journeyers with me. I'm putting this in the Sexual Identity Issues forum for a reason. I go to SAA (12 step program for sexual acting out) and I have for years. What brought me in there was compulsively watching a form of "violent" porn combined with drug use. It became a debilitating problem and it has been over 5 years free of that addiction dynamic. I became very active in SAA and did all of the work and helped and did service and so on. I still attend meetings on the phone during pandemic. But I've become angry and contemptuous in the last 1-2 years because I can't seem to get help or understanding that really is patient, kind and helpful. I can do that for others very well but it doesn't come back my way especially when wanting to discuss issues around abuse and related family of origin issues and how that fed into being abused. I just want solid, willing witnesses to help but I can't tell if they are simply not there, if I'm expecting too much, if I'm too demanding, if I'm too scared, if my perception about this is right, if it's my trust issues and me operating out of hurt child pov or maybe a combination of all of the above.

I am reading an excellent book on childhood sex abuse called "The Wounded Heart". It is a christian based book. I put that out there so if anyone turns to it they are not surprised. (I am not nor was I ever an evangelical Christian. I was raised loosely Catholic and definitely work on my faith but I'm not some heavily steeped-in-it Christian so not advocating this for everyone.) There's a line that succinctly describes the common reactions others have when talking about abuse. The line goes "Who can I tell or pray with who is not aghast, overwhelmed or trite?" (I do not stress the "pray with" aspect but I didn't want to edit it out). That line describes so many people's reactions when I even merely mention it. The next line "Shame intensifies the horror of the past". That's my experience too. When people react in one of those three ways, I do feel some sense of shame. Mostly, people don't intend that but it does happen.

I am sick and tired of being helpful to others but not finding many who don't have these reactions of "aghast, overwhelmed or trite". I've revealed stuff and then I've had to take care of people when they have a reaction. It could be the types of relationships that I've been in. That's part of it. There is an element of understanding that other people may not grasp how much a betrayal like this from decades ago really has gone unresolved and needs attention. It is a serious thing to grapple with. I haven't been good at being a good friend either so there's my part of not trusting. I've been reacting to the abuse my entire life and now that I am really facing it, all of the anger of not finding a place to land is coming to the fore. I've built a very small, "safe" life and at 54, I want more and I want to expose what I went through and how lonely it was and how much anger and hatred I harbored toward self and others.

Healing from CSA is complex. Going to an SAA meeting where they are focused on not acting out has a different complexity. Is that right? Anyone have an opinion on that? I'm more realistic about CSA and the healing and accepting the permanent damage that was done and can not be undone but I really want to stop demanding so much from other people and stop being so contemptuous of their human reactions. I know it comes out of being hurt and I guess that it's "easier" to feel contempt rather than expose the real deep hurts. I can't believe how badly I was hurt. It's all becoming clear and I get frustrated at others and it's not their fault.
 
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EdfromNYC said:
I am reading an excellent book on childhood sex abuse called "The Wounded Heart".
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excellent book - I have ready book studies on this before with Male Survivors.
 
EdfromNYC said:
Going to an SAA meeting where they are focused on not acting out has a different complexity. Is that right? Anyone have an opinion on that?
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Perhaps you need to find a different type of support group - you are trying to refocus on the root cause of the acting out (the CSA), they may have different root causes and it seems as if that is not the focus of that group (but maybe should be ;) ). ASCA has groups around the country. my CR group (Christian generic 12-step group) I have found helpful, also (they also have groups around the country.
 
Hi Ed, fellow New Yorker here.

I relate to your feelings, specifically being helpful to others but not receiving their understanding. This is a burden to carry as CSA survivors because we seem to have a higher understanding of other's emotions. I can help others with my words and actions but can't help myself when I am depressed. I wish to receive their love and understanding in return but that is not always the case.

I think that is problem, expecting something in return (in my case). I have found it better to not expect anything in return from people that I can help, not even their understanding. I have come to accept this as a burden of leadership. As CSA we are weak with our problems, but somehow we are able to help others that cannot help us in return. There's beauty in that.

Believe me, there is nothing I want I want more than love and understanding from others but I know that there are very understanding individuals on this website. I am meeting them slowly through chats and conversations. Hope you are well Ed.
 
NC-Survivor - definitely curious about book studies with other survivors. Did it happen organically or is it somewhere on site? Also, ASCA was a resource that I didn't know about. I'm looking into it. I just a telemeeting with another abuse-focused fellowship and that helped. I need to be able to be open specifically about the abuse and its effects and not about addiction. I'm at the roots, like you say and not at the behavior at the surface. Thanks for some direction.

Unatempestad - spot on. I haven't been addressing my needs for a while and I've been getting angrier because I kept giving without receiving support that I needed. But I was making the mistake of demanding from others what they didn't have to give. Like I said above, I just a telemeeting on sexual abuse recovery and I already feel more capable of helping others. I agree that we tend to have a higher understanding of other's emotions. But that ended up being a trap for me. It was a place for me to hide myself and what I needed. My self esteem increased because I saw my value in real time - I was a good listener and I knew it and people turned to me. But when I turned to them, I was almost always met with "aghast, overwhelmed or trite" responses like I wrote above. Being giving is a great thing. But I need to receive, too. It doesn't have to come from the same person but I want more understanding and acceptance of things like rage and anger which are very, very taboo and urged against in 12 step rooms. I have to expand beyond that fellowship and I've wanted it to be more than it is and I've been contemptuous of it rather than valuing it for what it is. That's on me. I had your sense of giving and I want to return to it but I do have needs that room can't meet. It doesn't mean that I have to leave that room but I do want to stop demanding it be something else. I have to be in other places in addition to SAA. That was my base to stabilize and now deal with root causes and other issues.
 
EdfromNYC said:
definitely curious about book studies with other survivors. Did it happen organically or is it somewhere on site?
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Church lead - had a women's group and a men's group
 
Hey, Ed. I'm so sorry you haven't found understanding people to disclose to. This site has helped me tremendously, more than therapy. I hope you find some real brothers on here who can give you the understanding you need. Good luck, buddy!

Bobcat
 
Hey Bobcat - I do realize that there are understanding guys on here. I've found a lot of identification. I was very caught up in the sexual identity issue stuff for a long time and I stayed there for a long time. I believe I thought that I could resolve it all by simply accepting intellectually that I was abused and once my identity issues were resolved, all would be well. A lot of my identity issues are now resolved. But the side effect of that is that I am now ridiculously aware of why I had those issues and why I grappled with them for so long and that it's because I was abandoned, neglected and abused and left to fend for myself. I blamed myself for decades. And people let me! I'm only now seeing the lifelong effects of the abuse and my coping rather than being caught up in the identity issue dilemma. As a 13 year old, identity issues were supremely important. And for 40 years, I lived through that traumatized, terrified of what others might think, self-blaming 13 year old abuse victim's eyes. So much time and energy spent on trying to figure out what I wasn't doing right or hating myself or hating parts of myself that I thought caused the abuse or people couldn't find out about. Only now do I see how valuable I am but no one was telling me that along the way. That is so painful to feel. I just feel a lot of pain now and I think I'm out of the intellectual phase of all of this.
 
EdfromNYC said:
NC-Survivor - definitely curious about book studies with other survivors. Did it happen organically or is it somewhere on site? Also, ASCA was a resource that I didn't know about. I'm looking into it. I just a telemeeting with another abuse-focused fellowship and that helped. I need to be able to be open specifically about the abuse and its effects and not about addiction. I'm at the roots, like you say and not at the behavior at the surface. Thanks for some direction.

Unatempestad - spot on. I haven't been addressing my needs for a while and I've been getting angrier because I kept giving without receiving support that I needed. But I was making the mistake of demanding from others what they didn't have to give. Like I said above, I just a telemeeting on sexual abuse recovery and I already feel more capable of helping others. I agree that we tend to have a higher understanding of other's emotions. But that ended up being a trap for me. It was a place for me to hide myself and what I needed. My self esteem increased because I saw my value in real time - I was a good listener and I knew it and people turned to me. But when I turned to them, I was almost always met with "aghast, overwhelmed or trite" responses like I wrote above. Being giving is a great thing. But I need to receive, too. It doesn't have to come from the same person but I want more understanding and acceptance of things like rage and anger which are very, very taboo and urged against in 12 step rooms. I have to expand beyond that fellowship and I've wanted it to be more than it is and I've been contemptuous of it rather than valuing it for what it is. That's on me. I had your sense of giving and I want to return to it but I do have needs that room can't meet. It doesn't mean that I have to leave that room but I do want to stop demanding it be something else. I have to be in other places in addition to SAA. That was my base to stabilize and now deal with root causes and other issues.
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Addressing our needs, that's the right wording and that's what I fail to do.

Maybe it's a cycle for us? I have moments of strength where I help others but then I reach a limit where I don't want to help others anymore and I want others to help me. At the end of my battery I crave love/understanding from others.

I would like to do what you're doing by adding additional activities like 12step and group therapies to help recovery. At the moment I only see a therapist and have this website. I'd be open to some sort of group study or even those online meetings sound like a good support. I've learned a lot from reading and responding to your post Ed, thank you.
 
Wounded Heart is a great book. I read it last fall.

As far as people's reactions, I read another book last fall: Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores.

In that book the author talks about the fact the most people simply don't know how to respond to other people's trauma. We weren't created to experience trauma and so when confronted by another person's trauma most people simply can't get their head around the reality of the trauma or the lasting affects. As a result, most folks just think you should be able to get over it or it shouldn't be taking you this long to recover.

The dilemma we face is that people broke us and it takes people to heal us. So your desire to find people to connect with is understandable. I guess the key is finding the right people and figuring out what you can share with them. I wish you well on your journey.
 
Greg 123 - thanks for that. I think I'm finally learning to stop expecting so much from others and accept their caring but limited responses. And love book recommendations. That title alone speaks to me.

Thanks
 
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