Filled with contempt at times and I place it on people who don't deserve it
I hate that I have to deal with this that other people don't have to deal with it. I don't wish it upon them but I want understanding. I think my fear of facing it or dealing with it alone or admitting all of the dynamics around my CSA is very painful and scary and I don't have good journeyers with me. I'm putting this in the Sexual Identity Issues forum for a reason. I go to SAA (12 step program for sexual acting out) and I have for years. What brought me in there was compulsively watching a form of "violent" porn combined with drug use. It became a debilitating problem and it has been over 5 years free of that addiction dynamic. I became very active in SAA and did all of the work and helped and did service and so on. I still attend meetings on the phone during pandemic. But I've become angry and contemptuous in the last 1-2 years because I can't seem to get help or understanding that really is patient, kind and helpful. I can do that for others very well but it doesn't come back my way especially when wanting to discuss issues around abuse and related family of origin issues and how that fed into being abused. I just want solid, willing witnesses to help but I can't tell if they are simply not there, if I'm expecting too much, if I'm too demanding, if I'm too scared, if my perception about this is right, if it's my trust issues and me operating out of hurt child pov or maybe a combination of all of the above.
I am reading an excellent book on childhood sex abuse called "The Wounded Heart". It is a christian based book. I put that out there so if anyone turns to it they are not surprised. (I am not nor was I ever an evangelical Christian. I was raised loosely Catholic and definitely work on my faith but I'm not some heavily steeped-in-it Christian so not advocating this for everyone.) There's a line that succinctly describes the common reactions others have when talking about abuse. The line goes "Who can I tell or pray with who is not aghast, overwhelmed or trite?" (I do not stress the "pray with" aspect but I didn't want to edit it out). That line describes so many people's reactions when I even merely mention it. The next line "Shame intensifies the horror of the past". That's my experience too. When people react in one of those three ways, I do feel some sense of shame. Mostly, people don't intend that but it does happen.
I am sick and tired of being helpful to others but not finding many who don't have these reactions of "aghast, overwhelmed or trite". I've revealed stuff and then I've had to take care of people when they have a reaction. It could be the types of relationships that I've been in. That's part of it. There is an element of understanding that other people may not grasp how much a betrayal like this from decades ago really has gone unresolved and needs attention. It is a serious thing to grapple with. I haven't been good at being a good friend either so there's my part of not trusting. I've been reacting to the abuse my entire life and now that I am really facing it, all of the anger of not finding a place to land is coming to the fore. I've built a very small, "safe" life and at 54, I want more and I want to expose what I went through and how lonely it was and how much anger and hatred I harbored toward self and others.
Healing from CSA is complex. Going to an SAA meeting where they are focused on not acting out has a different complexity. Is that right? Anyone have an opinion on that? I'm more realistic about CSA and the healing and accepting the permanent damage that was done and can not be undone but I really want to stop demanding so much from other people and stop being so contemptuous of their human reactions. I know it comes out of being hurt and I guess that it's "easier" to feel contempt rather than expose the real deep hurts. I can't believe how badly I was hurt. It's all becoming clear and I get frustrated at others and it's not their fault.
I am reading an excellent book on childhood sex abuse called "The Wounded Heart". It is a christian based book. I put that out there so if anyone turns to it they are not surprised. (I am not nor was I ever an evangelical Christian. I was raised loosely Catholic and definitely work on my faith but I'm not some heavily steeped-in-it Christian so not advocating this for everyone.) There's a line that succinctly describes the common reactions others have when talking about abuse. The line goes "Who can I tell or pray with who is not aghast, overwhelmed or trite?" (I do not stress the "pray with" aspect but I didn't want to edit it out). That line describes so many people's reactions when I even merely mention it. The next line "Shame intensifies the horror of the past". That's my experience too. When people react in one of those three ways, I do feel some sense of shame. Mostly, people don't intend that but it does happen.
I am sick and tired of being helpful to others but not finding many who don't have these reactions of "aghast, overwhelmed or trite". I've revealed stuff and then I've had to take care of people when they have a reaction. It could be the types of relationships that I've been in. That's part of it. There is an element of understanding that other people may not grasp how much a betrayal like this from decades ago really has gone unresolved and needs attention. It is a serious thing to grapple with. I haven't been good at being a good friend either so there's my part of not trusting. I've been reacting to the abuse my entire life and now that I am really facing it, all of the anger of not finding a place to land is coming to the fore. I've built a very small, "safe" life and at 54, I want more and I want to expose what I went through and how lonely it was and how much anger and hatred I harbored toward self and others.
Healing from CSA is complex. Going to an SAA meeting where they are focused on not acting out has a different complexity. Is that right? Anyone have an opinion on that? I'm more realistic about CSA and the healing and accepting the permanent damage that was done and can not be undone but I really want to stop demanding so much from other people and stop being so contemptuous of their human reactions. I know it comes out of being hurt and I guess that it's "easier" to feel contempt rather than expose the real deep hurts. I can't believe how badly I was hurt. It's all becoming clear and I get frustrated at others and it's not their fault.
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