I never felt good around guys and then abuse happened
I've been posting a lot but it's about getting it out while I have a chance. The pandemic and no regular work is giving me time to sit with this stuff and get it out. I want to keep it simple.
I had an alcoholic father and a very jealous and angry older brother and a clinging mother who wanted me to be different than them but probably more for her own needs. I had to fend off three people as a young boy. My self image as a boy was a mess. I knew I was like my father and brother but I felt rejected, intimidated, constantly threatened, humiliated, disregarded, put down by both of them and in different ways. My father tended to treat me like I wasn't there; my brother was more present and non-stop with his humiliations, threats, scaring me. He kept me on edge. My mother was all present to how I behaved, who I was friends with, how I appeared, how I treated my younger sister, how well I reflected upon her - I was not going to be like other guys had been in her life.
I developed armor to show the world that I didn't care but secretly I did. I secretly wanted desperately to connect with men. That longing is normal but I felt guilty, like it was wrong, something to be hidden. In a book that I'm reading, so much of our shame is about hating ourselves for having had this longing as though that was the problem. The thinking is "if I didn't have this longing, the abuser(s) wouldn't have abused me, it is my longing that caused this". I have felt that for decades but I'm going beneath the surface and allowing myself to admit my longing wasn't sexual - ever - and it wasn't outsized or abnormal. It just felt that way because it wasn't mirrored or recognized so I thought it was unique to me.
Sexual abuse by a male where he touched me and my body reacted felt like it was positive attention even though I knew it was wrong and confusing. (Also, immediately after being sexually touched, there was pure abandonment whereas if sexuality had developed normally, there would be no abandonment after but the possibility of processing and discussing with others. That is a big part of this, never having processed stuff). But I desperately needed touch and attention and affection and having all of those unmet needs I listed above, having no friends after moving to a new state, having lots of questions about being a boy becoming a man, having nowhere to turn, seeking male bonding and attention, it had a profound impact on me two weeks before I started a new high school where I knew no one. I didn't tell anyone what happened, no one asked what happened and like many others, I believed since I felt "good" from the abuse, I caused it, I wanted it, I sought it and I had to deal with it. I was 13 years old.
I am now able to recognize everything that I write is true and I can let go of blaming myself and hating myself for my natural longing to connect and recognize the people around me were just humans trying to do their thing and that they weren't capable of doing more than they could. It's not about blame but paying attention to that wounded boy that I stopped trying to be when I started acting on sexually post abuse and confusedly seeking a secret short-cut to connection via dangerous abuse seeking. I am in the process of seeing that abandoned, neglected boy that I tried to disconnect from and recognizing there are parts of me in there that make me who I am. I've tried to not be me and I was caught in the abuse/acting out/self blame/denial cycle rather than facing pain and healing. I am healing and accepting very dark feelings and embracing them. I am not the surface good boy who needs to secretly act out to give some relief to my dark, shadow parts. Those shadow parts can be part of me, fully and completely. I'm not literally homicidal but I can see that is part of every human heart and I'm just using that as an example of allowing myself to go there in all emotions, light and dark. I don't have to be ashamed of how I coped. I can start to respect how I coped and admit mistakes that I made along the way and admit that everyone involved is just human.
I had an alcoholic father and a very jealous and angry older brother and a clinging mother who wanted me to be different than them but probably more for her own needs. I had to fend off three people as a young boy. My self image as a boy was a mess. I knew I was like my father and brother but I felt rejected, intimidated, constantly threatened, humiliated, disregarded, put down by both of them and in different ways. My father tended to treat me like I wasn't there; my brother was more present and non-stop with his humiliations, threats, scaring me. He kept me on edge. My mother was all present to how I behaved, who I was friends with, how I appeared, how I treated my younger sister, how well I reflected upon her - I was not going to be like other guys had been in her life.
I developed armor to show the world that I didn't care but secretly I did. I secretly wanted desperately to connect with men. That longing is normal but I felt guilty, like it was wrong, something to be hidden. In a book that I'm reading, so much of our shame is about hating ourselves for having had this longing as though that was the problem. The thinking is "if I didn't have this longing, the abuser(s) wouldn't have abused me, it is my longing that caused this". I have felt that for decades but I'm going beneath the surface and allowing myself to admit my longing wasn't sexual - ever - and it wasn't outsized or abnormal. It just felt that way because it wasn't mirrored or recognized so I thought it was unique to me.
Sexual abuse by a male where he touched me and my body reacted felt like it was positive attention even though I knew it was wrong and confusing. (Also, immediately after being sexually touched, there was pure abandonment whereas if sexuality had developed normally, there would be no abandonment after but the possibility of processing and discussing with others. That is a big part of this, never having processed stuff). But I desperately needed touch and attention and affection and having all of those unmet needs I listed above, having no friends after moving to a new state, having lots of questions about being a boy becoming a man, having nowhere to turn, seeking male bonding and attention, it had a profound impact on me two weeks before I started a new high school where I knew no one. I didn't tell anyone what happened, no one asked what happened and like many others, I believed since I felt "good" from the abuse, I caused it, I wanted it, I sought it and I had to deal with it. I was 13 years old.
I am now able to recognize everything that I write is true and I can let go of blaming myself and hating myself for my natural longing to connect and recognize the people around me were just humans trying to do their thing and that they weren't capable of doing more than they could. It's not about blame but paying attention to that wounded boy that I stopped trying to be when I started acting on sexually post abuse and confusedly seeking a secret short-cut to connection via dangerous abuse seeking. I am in the process of seeing that abandoned, neglected boy that I tried to disconnect from and recognizing there are parts of me in there that make me who I am. I've tried to not be me and I was caught in the abuse/acting out/self blame/denial cycle rather than facing pain and healing. I am healing and accepting very dark feelings and embracing them. I am not the surface good boy who needs to secretly act out to give some relief to my dark, shadow parts. Those shadow parts can be part of me, fully and completely. I'm not literally homicidal but I can see that is part of every human heart and I'm just using that as an example of allowing myself to go there in all emotions, light and dark. I don't have to be ashamed of how I coped. I can start to respect how I coped and admit mistakes that I made along the way and admit that everyone involved is just human.
