Erection during therapy?

[Sherlock]

I'm glad I found this post. I have been really struggling with this recently. I've been feeling like my body is betraying me. I've been processing things, and feeling horrible feelings like sadness and shame coupled with my whole body shaking. Then, when I finally calm down, I realize that my pants are very wet, and I was leaking. It makes me so angry with myself because my body is doing something sexual, and I want nothing to do with sex. I want to choose when I WANT to have sex.

I feel similarly. My body is betraying me. The sadness, the shame, and the body shaking - it's like shivering for me.

 

[FindingLoveInMyself]

I really appreciate this thread because I’ve struggled for years feeling like I’m abnormal for this kind of thing. I’ve experienced arousal in therapy and it feels awful.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS:

Recently, I’ve been hung up on getting an erection when I was molested. I was molested at school by two classmates when I was 13. The held me down in a chair and other kids saw it. I was humiliated and blocked out a lot of it. I didn’t want them to touch me and yet my body responded and they knew it. I’ve felt like my body betrayed me and I’ve felt like I had no control over anything sexual in my body from desires to erections or anything. I’ve felt like a freak for so long because I’m so uncomfortable with sex but also obsessed with it.

I got really upset during therapy a couple weeks ago because I had this vivid memory with physical sensation of a hand cupping my testicles and I got aroused. All the repressed emotion came out in full force and I’ve been recovering ever since. I’m learning how to recognize and accept my emotions. I’m starting to accept that it’s ok to be sad or angry which I denied for a long time which led to emotions leaking out, other people seeing what I didn’t want them to and then a wave of shame.

The torment continued well past the molestation and I was constantly mocked and called gay and told how much I liked being molested. Being gay at that time and in that part of the world was viewed terribly. I don’t feel like it’s wrong at all and yet am confused by being upset that people called me lots of homophobic slurs. I also didn’t think I was attracted to males, yet I got an erection. It’s confusing. Essentially, my experience was “you were molested haha” and it has led me to a life of hiding.

I’ve been making progress in therapy but the past two weeks have been excruciating. I have therapy today and I emailed my T that I wanted to talk about my body’s reaction and I think this is progress because I struggle to talk about any of this.

I haven’t been coming here for a while and I think I’ve been scared and I’m not sure why. I know you guys here are helpful and understanding but it’s just been too difficult for me to do lately.

I don’t know if I fit the criteria or not for porn addiction because I haven’t lost a job because of it but it’s something I’ve felt tremendous guilt over. I’ve mostly been able to go into some survival state where I put on this facade that I’m ok and that things don’t bother me when inside I feel like I’m falling apart. I’ve consumed so much porn over the past 25 years that I’ve always felt like it was a problem but also felt like I couldn’t stop. I’m rambling. I’ve just been having a rough time. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

 

[LondonGayGuy]

I've experienced this in the past, but have also experienced a old therapist getting an erection during some of my stories. That is a bit of a kind f*ck I can tell you

 

[Chad75]

Deleted

 

[jeffel]

I've experienced this in the past, but have also experienced a old therapist getting an election during some of my stories. That is a bit of a kind f*ck I can tell you

Geez! Did he seem pervy, or was it more of an involuntary reaction? If he asked any questions that were less about healing and more about getting more information about the specific details of the event, I would have fired him. Or at least I hope I would.

 

[LondonGayGuy]

After a while I did stop seeing him as I found he would often ask me about certain situations and they would be the ones that would give him a reaction. So he was clearly enjoying certain aspects of it. But other than that he was actually quite helpful with some stuff

 

[LondonGayGuy]

Trigger warning: I use to get hard reading post on here, i would read about a situation and almost put myself as the abuser or I would think about what the guy looks like today and the seeing them hard. I don’t anymore, I used to see it as a sexual and arousal thing, but it is really me trying to be in control of situations when I was a kid and was not. I was not held down or raped, my abuse was exposure. I was exposed sexually very early on by male friends and family, that all I wanted to do was get naked with other boys and materbate. I did not know how to control that and did not know how to just be normal. My reactions today are simply because I did not know how to control my childhood. Still learning every day.

I totally understand that, I guess we all deal with things in different ways

 

[axlr]

I washed my comforter yesterday because when I got some really nasty memory flashbacks I rubbed one off twice into it. I feel that there's some sort of power reclamation involved in those dynamics. I can somewhat tell where I was injecting fantasy to it and where the abstract terror of what actually happened really was, but I still did it anyways. I remember back when I was doing EMDR some years ago I got horny while in therapy and went home to finish the deed. Funny how this kind of abuse can affect us.

I really appreciate this thread because I’ve struggled for years feeling like I’m abnormal for this kind of thing. I’ve experienced arousal in therapy and it feels awful.

Your body is only doing what it was made to. Have you read "The Body Keeps The Score"? These reactions are simply a response to being molested and it's not something you can control nor should it at all be a statement of your moral character. I know it can feel that way though because trauma really does affect how we perceive ourselves, but it's true nonetheless. As for addiction, it doesn't really need to make you lose your job in order for it to be a problem. The fact alone that it's giving you such anxiety and concern shows that there is a problem, but it's up to you whether calling it addiction will allow you to find a way to identify and address it to your needs.

Trigger warning: I use to get hard reading post on here, i would read about a situation and almost put myself as the abuser or I would think about what the guy looks like today and the seeing them hard. I don’t anymore, I used to see it as a sexual and arousal thing, but it is really me trying to be in control of situations when I was a kid and was not. I was not held down or raped, my abuse was exposure. I was exposed sexually very early on by male friends and family, that all I wanted to do was get naked with other boys and materbate. I did not know how to control that and did not know how to just be normal. My reactions today are simply because I did not know how to control my childhood. Still learning every day.

I do want to make it clear that this is very understandable and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Exposure is a killer. I seen so much sick shit on the internet over these years that it's really burrowed it's way into my sexual identity in ways that make me wonder whether it would have as much if I hadn't. I hope you can find the means to understand your sexuality and figure out how to control it, MO-Survivor took some notes on a book called "Traumasexuality" which were really helpful and I wonder if you might get some mileage out of them too.

After a while I did stop seeing him as I found he would often ask me about certain situations and they would be the ones that would give him a reaction. So he was clearly enjoying certain aspects of it. But other than that he was actually quite helpful with some stuff

I do hope your therapist was at least a fellow survivor and not asking for self-gratification. It's a filthy experience when you realize that the people you're telling your story to are doing so because they wanna get off to it. I've been in that situation before, though thankfully not with someone as trusted as a therapist, and it really sucks. A lot.

 

[louisone]

Hi, When a person receives a massage and trust exists between the therapist and client, oxytocin is released into the blood. High levels of oxytocin can lead to erections and, in some cases, ejaculation (the hormone is needed for the contractions during an ejaculation).

 

[LondonGayGuy]

Oh that's interesting. An erection is bad enough, but can you imagine ejaculating too. Embarrassing

 

[Sawyer49]

Our bodies remember the feelings that happened often times awakening sexual feelings in our bodies long before our minds are fully ready to process these feelings. I am convinced however that it is similar to walking a pathway in our brain. There is a path created through which we can walk to get from point a to point b. These two points change over time but the path in our brain is the familiar. At first it is to get through the experience. Then to cope. Then to handle memory of it, with multiple feelings across the spectrum. Each time though this path is the familiar and our bodies remember, for some of us it becomes a coping mechanism, to deal with what happened. The good news is we can create new paths in our brain and many times through therapy that is what you are doing.
We are built as sexual beings, and there is no shame in that. We can learn to discard shame, or at least place it where it properly belongs.

 

[Ro489]

I've experienced physical arousal too - especially when I first started talking about it in therapy. As soon as I could feel it I clammed up and changed the subject. Once I left I felt so much shame. Since then I've always worn 2 lots of underwear with the base layer being a size smaller than usual to almost clamp it down so at least it's harder to see if it happens. I know my T probably doesn't notice or can tell when I'm uncomfortable but it doesn't seem to get easier. I've even come out of a T session a few times and had to go to the toilet before walking home to 'sort it out'.

 

[JfromGA]

I’m glad you all shared your experiences. I’ve been having similar experiences. My last T session I walked out with a wet spot on my shorts. I felt so shameful, so guilty that I’d get aroused by talking about my abuse. I wanted to ask my T if this was normal but was embarrassed to admit that I had a hard on in front of him.

 

[BelovedSon]

My T and I haven’t talked about the abuse in 2 years and I still ejaculate semen and get an erection sometimes when a session is really intense. I think the same system that control stress response also controls our sexual responses. I have read of soldiers getting erections during battles. It is understandable that we would draw a connection with our abuse but I believe it is mostly physiological. Even if it is ‘arousal’ talking about the abuse, erections happen when talking about sexual things. It is just for us those sexual things are horrible. That doesn’t mean the erection is horrible. It just means our bodies are working.

 

[JfromGA]

@BelovedSon, thanks for your words.

Also, assuming the same is normal with dreams? I had a wet dream recounting the assault. I’ve had difficulty sleeping since the dream. I’ve been feeling like my body is betraying me.

 

[Greybeard]

@BelovedSon, thanks for your words.

Also, assuming the same is normal with dreams? I had a wet dream recounting the assault. I’ve had difficulty sleeping since the dream. I’ve been feeling like my body is betraying me.

Dreams are the absolute worst for me. Too often they replay my abuse, or sort of riff on the events, making them happen in different places or circumstances. I wake up very upset from the nightmare element, and yet physically aroused to an extreme degree. It always feels like a total betrayal. And then if I try to get back to sleep the thoughts just won't go away, and the sexual drive hounds me to take care of it. But if I do, I feel like a complete pervert.

 

[JfromGA]

It always feels like a total betrayal.

Thanks for sharing. It definitely screws with the mind!

 

[Tableau in Stasis]

Dreams are the absolute worst for me. Too often they replay my abuse, or sort of riff on the events, making them happen in different places or circumstances. I wake up very upset from the nightmare element, and yet physically aroused to an extreme degree. It always feels like a total betrayal. And then if I try to get back to sleep the thoughts just won't go away, and the sexual drive hounds me to take care of it. But if I do, I feel like a complete pervert.

A couple years back a persistent disturbing one for me was a waking intrusive fantasy which started as a thought and then slowly fleshed out when it kept coming up again and again (as I was regarding someone I knew personally that I kept seeing). To the point where it was hard to be around them even though I was for hours at a time on many days which then spiraled itself into dream nightmare messes and then I would wake up it would keep going like I didn't escape from it. And there was always about a couple minutes of transitioning from pleasure to realizing what just happened. Made me feel like the worst scum of the earth that ever existed. I'm working through it in therapy and realizing why at the time we thought that happened (this is before I realized my assaults occurred) help me rewire the whole shame response and understand that this is how my brain has deciding to process it. Even if it's quite embarrassing shamefull uncomfortable and unwanted.

 

[Greybeard]

A couple years back a persistent disturbing one for me was a waking intrusive fantasy which started as a thought and then slowly fleshed out when it kept coming up again and again (as I was regarding someone I knew personally that I kept seeing). To the point where it was hard to be around them even though I was for hours at a time on many days which then spiraled itself into dream nightmare messes and then I would wake up it would keep going like I didn't escape from it. And there was always about a couple minutes of transitioning from pleasure to realizing what just happened. Made me feel like the worst scum of the earth that ever existed. I'm working through it in therapy and realizing why at the time we thought that happened (this is before I realized my assaults occurred) help me rewire the whole shame response and understand that this is how my brain has deciding to process it. Even if it's quite embarrassing shamefull uncomfortable and unwanted.

When I wake, I have the ridiculous feeling that I am being seen, that someone knows what I was dreaming, and that I am now having an erection because of it. So yes, totally embarrassing, even though there is no real reason it should be.

 

[Tableau in Stasis]

When I wake, I have the ridiculous feeling that I am being seen, that someone knows what I was dreaming, and that I am now having an erection because of it. So yes, totally embarrassing, even though there is no real reason it should be.

Well as I'm sure you know by now, when it comes to trauma logic is not a prerequisite and emotion rules supreme. Honestly I wish I had more advice to give you, but now that I know the real reason for that or at least the main one (namely CSA incident number three as numbered by order of recollection not chronology as I don't know) I'm likely to have to rework through that and it may be getting worse in myself again heh. But the general diffused the shame of your autonomous responses if they're not something you have developed controlled or wanted yourself.