Thanks for the replies. Heres a not-exhaustive list of stuff thats going on in my life now or at least recently, many of which seem like descending in age or body memories. I guess im posting hoping someone will affirm that none of this is normal and is all very strongly suggestive of childhood abuse. thanks
The list:
I regularly wake up into complete misery and self-loathing and hopelessness.
Even when I had everything - beautiful girl, hope for marriage, kids who love me, friends who like me, responsibility and meaning in life… I was still often miserable. I didn’t want to go on holidays. I didn’t want to go on outings except dates with the girl. I didn’t want to engage with anything beautiful or lovely (except her). I had no interests or passions or hobbies. I didn’t want to listen to music. I didn’t want to read. I didn’t want to go on a walk or trip. I didn’t want to buy anything or own anything (except investments) or think about anything other than the very next thing I had to do to maintain the wheels on my life and not explode in anger or descend into misery and despair.
When I was at university, I studied hard and did well. When exams were done and all the other students took a break and enjoyed themselves with friends and family, I descended into misery and the temptation to sleep away the day. The moment exams finished, as others celebrated and packed up I would, almost without fail, crawl underneath my desk in the library and rock and despair of life. I would commonly request a holiday pass to the university so that I could maintain my routine and spend my time at uni, normally alone.
I was constantly stoned between age 18 and 30. I couldn’t sleep without pot. If I had no pot (which probably happened on only 10-20 occasions throughout this entire period), I would drink or otherwise drug myself to sleep. I was terrified of facing the night-time without pot.
After my first knee surgery at age 20 when I was first exposed to strong painkillers, I started to fantacise about them and seek them out. My 2nd knee surgery (age 23) I felt, was a bliss of a holiday and all I ever wanted in life - time off work to pop pills, smoke dope and play video games.
When recovering from my first knee surgery (age 20), despite my sport being the most important thing to me in life at the time and being advised not to drink during recovery, I drank every night. The wound got infected and didn’t heal so I had to go on strong anti-biotics. Again, I was told not to drink, but I felt I couldn’t stop myself so I continued. Thankfully in the end, the wound healed.
Age 20-30 I generally destroyed multiple romantic relationships and potential romantic relationships by being stoned all the time, and/or refusing to communicate with the girls about anything meaningful at all, including sex, intimacy, drug use, my past, my hope for the future - anything. I consistently chose drugs and tv and gaming and solitude. I chose to be alone and rejected girls and friends so that I could get high and distract/dissociate.
During my party phase - age 18-22, I would drink or take drugs, go to pubs or nightclubs, but always just for an hour or two and then retreat home or to a friends home so we could smoke weed and do more drugs. I never really wanted to ‘party’ in the sense that many people think of partying.
Even with a succesful and hopeful career as a young warehouse manager for a big company with heaps of promotion potential, I was in despair and hopelessness and would fantacise about being hit by machinery and becoming bed-ridden and prescribed strong painkillers.
Even when I owned a large piece of land with hope to subdivide it and become wealthy, I imagined/fantacised about using the money to buy a large bulk quantity of heroin or similar so that I could have a secure supply of strong painkillers for life - that was my temptation and hope.
My brother is completely disfunctional and hopeless and unable/unwilling to work or study or function on any level. His life screams trauma and neglect and abuse.
My sister is more functional but very angry and claims to have no memories before the age of 15, and refuses to talk about or acknowledge anythng from our past.
I have never seriously made a plan to kill myself but I have fantacised about what it would feel like to have the blood run out of my body and slowly dozily drift off to sleep, never to wake up. This fantasy returns regularly, like... i thought about it two days ago.
I have mildly overdosed on strong painkillers to the point of throwing up heaps of times. One time I almost ‘nodded out’ driving my car on the highway because I was high on morphine/oxy and one time I almost put myself into fatal or at least dangerous respitory depression from abusing a fentanyl patch. Similiary, I have got myself into dangerous states from ecstasy and lsd use, including seratonin syndrome. Ive also been drunk to the point of throwing up and passing out many times.
Sometimes when reading Scripture or praying or just feeling very small and young and vulnerable, I become sexually aroused and feel tightness and pressure in my genitals and bottom, including pulsating and shaking and feeling pleasure mixed with fear and shame and disgust/contempt.
Sometimes when I say explicit things to myself about what I suspect may have happened to me, I feel ‘shocked’ like a mild electric shock, I moan, I pulsate, I thrust slightly. eg "he fucked you in the ass" can set me off like this. But not always.
I have wet dreams occasionally, a majority of which are not sexual and consist of scenes of stress, worry, fear, panic, being chased, and less often but still regularly, family members are present. When the scenes are sexual, they are highly pornified/depraved and tend to consist of having sex with aliens, older women, porn-looking women.
When reading aloud a scene of being abused by my mother given to me by an alter/part, I became hysterical and wept and shook, particulary at the highly abusive language she used in the scene - and yet I doubt the memory/scene is real, and in particular I doubt the abusive language - Strangely, the more the scene/memory ellicts a strong reaction, the more I doubt it.
Simiarly, I doubt the memory/scene given to me by an alter/part of having sex with my younger sister. Yet when writing this scene out I felt highly aroused and moaned and groaned and thrusted.
When cuddling my 14 yr old nephew I got a partial erection and didn’t notice. My nephew reported this to his parents and they confronted me. I had no memory of the arousal/erection and was shocked and grieved - nor do I have any history whatsoever of child porn or child attraction, so I obviously dissasociate arousal to the point of obliviousness.
Other than the suspected abuse, im a 40 yr old virgin. No oral, no nothing. I quit porn (and drugs) 10 years ago when i became a Christian and didnt masturbate for 4+ years. Since then i have masturbated a number of times, but rarely. I dont find it that hard to avoid masturbation. I think i just crush the arousal down and dissociate it - What i think is self control and godliness might just be highly effective and practiced dissociation. Indeed, since the incident with my nephew, it seems clear that im not really in control of what is going on downstairs, and i freaking-well-need-to-be if i am ever to be safe to be around kids. How effed up is that??! Gah it makes me wild, im a freaking abstinent, celebate virgin (other than child abuse) and yet my sexuality is so out of control that i now cant hug my nephew!
