*Triggers Possible* Just venting a bit

[GaD3!]

I was at the gym earlier today and as often happens the music was triggering to me- during much of the abuse there was loud music, so music at the gym, stores etc. can make normal activities more challenging. Today a memory came to mind and I started to tear up almost cry. It was so sad to me. Not surprising often times stories shared here by others cause me to tear up.

I was a little boy and as often was the case performing oral sex on an adult, the one I refer to as the "ring leader". Loud music as usual. I was always naked during the abuse. I have shared about these people in the survivor story forum- (they were not nice people). I am not sure if it was done because I was not doing it "right" or just out of the pleasure of causing fear in a child. For some reason a female with green finger nail polish grasped my scrotum and put a knife to it. I could remember the feeling of the blade against my skin and of course the fear. I started sucking much more vigorously. I had an erection-( I was usually stimulated before and while performing sex acts).. My penis became even more erect( A bit of an aside- many years ago, when this memory first surfaced that afternoon I stopped by a store to make a necessary purchase- the female cashier just happened to have her nails painted with green finger nail polish). I felt so sad for that little boy. He was so scared- he knew very well what they could do with knives. He couldn't do anything to stop what was happening or protect himself. Usually the memories are like watching a movie and there is often somewhat of an emotional disconnect. Today, no. I felt sorry for that little boy. As I said, just venting, it is still on my mind.

 

[Thaelyrah]

Thanks for sharing. I am so sorry. However, I am glad that you were able to be sorry for your little boy. I still can't recognize myself as a child. Too painful But you knew your trigger and dealt with it; good job!

 

[Thaelyrah]

Thanks for sharing. I am so sorry. However, I am glad that you were able to be sorry for your little boy. I still can't recognize myself as a child. Too painful But you knew your trigger and dealt with it; good job!

I don't know why it posted twice. However, it is still as true as the first time I posted. I hope you are doing well, despite life

 

[Bluedogone]

Usually the memories are like watching a movie and there is often somewhat of an emotional disconnect. Today, no. I felt sorry for that little boy. As I said, just venting, it is still on my mind.

Thanks for sharing such an emotional time at the gym. I’m sorry this recurring
memory can strike almost any time, any place. One of the first things my T so long ago
said when talking about triggers was “When you least expect it, expect it”
They can follow us no matter where we are or what we’re doing. Bringing that little boy along with us makes it all the more emotionally raw.

 

[Jack1]

I felt sorry for that little boy. As I said, just venting, it is still on my mind.

This is what I am often feeling very recently. Sorry for that little boy that they treated in such horrific ways, deep sadness that they stole his innocence and often filled him with fear.

“When you least expect it, expect it”
They can follow us no matter where we are or what we’re doing. Bringing that little boy along with us makes it all the more emotionally raw.

Yes, they come at the oddest times. Once while putting Christmas decorations away I had a flashback of a man telling me "if I feel your teeth again I'll knock them out." It was as clear as if he was right there speaking to me and I was beside myself for a few days. When they come, thankfully not as often as in the past, I know how to deal with them, accepting that I was horrifically abused, but that was then, this is now and I can protect that little boy inside me.

 

[Duckie]

Im here for you brother. You can call me any time. I mean that

 

[GaD3!]

Thanks for the replies. Thinking a bit more about this. Until rather recently deep down inside, as crazy as it may sound. I blamed that boy, and at times hated his guts . It makes a lot of sense, right? I know this is common for so many if not all of us at some time or the other. The self blame. It is so completely unjust. I always tell others to show their younger selves compassion and mercy, but for myself, not that little bastard who did those things! He actually in time learned to take pleasure in aspects of the abuse. Of course conditioning and a way to cope with something out of one's control, also at times positive reinforcement. Hell, being stimulated while having do do things no child should ever have to do, the body responds. Basic human biology. I suppose it is a good thing, I can show my younger self the compassion I feel for the younger self of all the brothers here. Just rambling. I appreciate all of you much more than you may know. Take care

 

[FindingLoveInMyself]

It’s great that you can show that little boy compassion. Seems like it’s a lot easier to give compassion to someone other than yourself. From my view, it looks like amazing progress.

No one should have to have these experiences and we can’t stop them. Especially, not when we were kids.

You were forced to do these things. You were a child whose mind wasn’t fully developed, who was targeted by adults who knew exactly what they were doing. It’s easy for me to tell you it wasn’t your fault. It’s a totally different thing to start believing it yourself. To me, I see it as impressive and something to strive for. I can only hope that you and all of us, myself very much included can work to release this self blame. It does us so much damage throughout our lives.

In so many cases, we did what we were told. I didn’t “know better.” I couldn’t foresee that some people were playing with a very different set of plans than I had. Yet, I hate myself for it. I wish I could put that in past tense and I can’t. I have this entirely unrealistic view that I should’ve been different in all ways. Something was wrong with me specifically or it would’ve never happened. I didn’t see it happening to anyone else, just me so there must be something about me. I couldn’t see that some people just prey on people when they feel like they can get away with it. I hope I can continue to lean into things that help challenge the self blame.

For a while I thought I didn’t blame the little boy for being so weak and such an “easy target.” It hurts to write that. And yet a couple weeks ago in therapy it came out. The hatred and vitriol I have for that little boy who was assaulted and couldn’t do anything about it, who got an erection and was mocked for it has been my most hated enemy. It’s divided me against myself. To have contempt for something that happened and then know that I had a bodily response to it was something I couldn’t face for decades, never mind admit to anyone. A while ago I remember reading a thread here where someone referred to it as feeling betrayed by their body and man, is that an accurate way to put it.

I haven’t known how to be angry in a healthy way, to not hate and to hate myself. That’s how I reacted. I blamed myself for every bit of it. Whether it made sense to anyone else or not. It was my fault and I refused to believe otherwise. I haven’t let go of that self blame. I’m hoping that the more I acknowledge when I see it in myself, that it will put me one step closer to forgiving that little boy. He wasn’t different than any other little boy who dealt with bullshit he shouldn’t have had to. The self hatred runs deep.

We are all in this together. I appreciate each of you. None of this is easy and all we can do is our best. Even when our best doesn’t feel like it’s good enough.

 

[Jack1]

It’s great that you can show that little boy compassion. Seems like it’s a lot easier to give compassion to someone other than yourself. From my view, it looks like amazing progress.

No one should have to have these experiences and we can’t stop them. Especially, not when we were kids.

You were forced to do these things. You were a child whose mind wasn’t fully developed, who was targeted by adults who knew exactly what they were doing. It’s easy for me to tell you it wasn’t your fault. It’s a totally different thing to start believing it yourself. To me, I see it as impressive and something to strive for. I can only hope that you and all of us, myself very much included can work to release this self blame. It does us so much damage throughout our lives.

In so many cases, we did what we were told. I didn’t “know better.” I couldn’t foresee that some people were playing with a very different set of plans than I had. Yet, I hate myself for it. I wish I could put that in past tense and I can’t. I have this entirely unrealistic view that I should’ve been different in all ways. Something was wrong with me specifically or it would’ve never happened. I didn’t see it happening to anyone else, just me so there must be something about me. I couldn’t see that some people just prey on people when they feel like they can get away with it. I hope I can continue to lean into things that help challenge the self blame.

For a while I thought I didn’t blame the little boy for being so weak and such an “easy target.” It hurts to write that. And yet a couple weeks ago in therapy it came out. The hatred and vitriol I have for that little boy who was assaulted and couldn’t do anything about it, who got an erection and was mocked for it has been my most hated enemy. It’s divided me against myself. To have contempt for something that happened and then know that I had a bodily response to it was something I couldn’t face for decades, never mind admit to anyone. A while ago I remember reading a thread here where someone referred to it as feeling betrayed by their body and man, is that an accurate way to put it.

I haven’t known how to be angry in a healthy way, to not hate and to hate myself. That’s how I reacted. I blamed myself for every bit of it. Whether it made sense to anyone else or not. It was my fault and I refused to believe otherwise. I haven’t let go of that self blame. I’m hoping that the more I acknowledge when I see it in myself, that it will put me one step closer to forgiving that little boy. He wasn’t different than any other little boy who dealt with bullshit he shouldn’t have had to. The self hatred runs deep.

We are all in this together. I appreciate each of you. None of this is easy and all we can do is our best. Even when our best doesn’t feel like it’s good enough.

Thank you @FindingLoveInMyself for that brave statement.
I think I was different. Little Jack didn't hate himself because he learned to have no emotions, learned not to feel anything. That I think may be worse than hating the young boy inside of ourselves. My brother once said I was the most callous person he ever met and I think what he meant was I was so lacking in emotion. After some excellent therapy I have begun to be in touch with my feelings and to love the young boy that I was.

 

[Duckie]

Thanks for the replies. Thinking a bit more about this. Until rather recently deep down inside, as crazy as it may sound. I blamed that boy, and at times hated his guts . It makes a lot of sense, right? I know this is common for so many if not all of us at some time or the other. The self blame. It is so completely unjust. I always tell others to show their younger selves compassion and mercy, but for myself, not that little bastard who did those things! He actually in time learned to take pleasure in aspects of the abuse. Of course conditioning and a way to cope with something out of one's control, also at times positive reinforcement. Hell, being stimulated while having do do things no child should ever have to do, the body responds. Basic human biology. I suppose it is a good thing, I can show my younger self the compassion I feel for the younger self of all the brothers here. Just rambling. I appreciate all of you much more than you may know. Take care

Nothing crazy about that, I still do.

 

[ODAT]

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. It helps me to actually see little boys that age to realize just how helpless we all were. Try to treat that little boy with gentleness and compassion. The trauma he had to deal with is beyond words. Take care, Rich-

 

[TJ jeff]

That little boy you were needs a hug from the man you are today