Little Steve, Sexual Programming, A Horror Story.
*********WARNING*********
This is no ordinary story. What follows is what they did to me to program me to respond sexually to pain. It’s graphic, raw, unbelievable and exactly the way it happened. This couldn’t be portrayed in movies even with adults let alone a child. Part of my healing process is for people to understand, and for me to be able to speak my truth. What follows is graphic and violent beyond belief. I suspect many of you won’t believe this, and even though it happened to me, I still at times find it hard to believe, but it did happen and I have proof. If you choose to read this be warned.
If you wanna read my full story, here’s the first two parts:
Little Steve, How I survived trafficking at age 4, 60 years ago Triggers Definitely
Little Steve the basement a four-year-old shown his fate
Sexual Programming
From the title, you probably think this is gonna be about how it was trained to perform different sexual acts. It’s very common with survivors either directly taught or through reinforcement taught how to please men. Unfortunately, for me, that’s not what they did at all. Uncle Bill was no ordinary man and his plans for me, we’re not ordinary either.
I was uncle Bill slave. I was allowed to live at home with my parents who didn’t know, which meant I couldn’t walk in the door at night all beat up, bloody and bruised. The police would’ve been called immediately, the things they did to me couldn’t leave marks. Just like when uncle Bill threw me into the room and said, ”No marks.”
You might think that that would be a good thing that they couldn’t beat me up, physically abuse me like that. It turns out it was no protection. They had plenty of other boys they could do that too, uncle Bill had something special in mind for me.
When I was in school, I learned about Pavlov and his dogs. Most of you probably learned this, it was the beginning of our understanding of psychological programming. He would ring a bell, then put a bowl of food down for the dog. After doing that enough times he could ring the bell and without any food appearing, the dog would start to salivate. The dog had been programmed so that just the sound of the bell would create the sensation that food was appearing, and the dog would become ready to eat. We learned even more about this, if you want to know more check out Skinner and his rats.
But the essence of that is that people just like animals can be programmed to respond in a certain way when it’s repeated. And I don’t wanna make this sound totally evil, we do this to ourselves all the time where we program behaviors in by repeating them over and over and the trigger in the case of Pavloff with the bell, can be anything.
The story begins after the basement. Where I learned that the price of disobedience was death. Uncle Bill showed me exactly what happens. The boys that don’t do as they’re told, are beaten to death. I was four years old. If you’ve read my other stories, you probably think that there’s not a lot worse that could happen to a four-year-old, you’re wrong.
Like before, I’m sitting on my back patio now 65 and it’s a cloudy day, but it’s still sunshiny out, it helps me write. So I’m gonna bring the dark parts of what happened to me out into the sunlight and share them with you.
The memory starts, I’m in the very rear seat of the station wagon on the passenger side. The driver side was Sherman's side because it was his car so he got to sit behind the driver, his father. So my side was on the passenger side. Only this time things were slightly different. I couldn’t speak. I was gagged. I think there might’ve been something over my eyes because everything was very milky and fuzzy, maybe I disassociated. I could see out the back window of the station wagon trees that were going by. They line the road we were on, big trees.
Something is tied tight around my genitals and they’re very sore, like when you leave a penis ring on too long and it becomes engorged and very sensitive and painful. This was on purpose, I was being prepared for what was coming next.
Present day me sitting in my recliner, recalling this, it seemed to last about 15 minutes. I don’t know if it did last that long when it happened to little Steve but it seemed to be about that length of time. It was pretty uncomfortable present day. I’m sure when I was little Steve it probably hurt. When I have these somatic reactions, the physical replay of what I went through. Most of the time it’s not quite as intense. I’d say it’s about 80% of what I experienced when I was little Steve. So I don’t know about the time it could’ve been shorter or longer, but it seemed about right.
Journal entry August 15, 2025: “It started with a gagging sensation, choking. I think I was gagged. I could feel something around my genitals. It was tied tight. There was some sort of tie around both penis and testicles, I had the feeling of it being tied for quite a while like if you leave a penis ring on too long and it starts to cut off the circulation. It was very uncomfortable even now, back then it probably would’ve been painful. The view out the back window was very shadowy and very like behind a fog, probably disassociation. I could see big trees on the left-hand side of the road going by. It was a line of them, big huge trees that was all the visuals I got.”
Everything got dark, and I could feel that I was laying on something hard, my arms were stretched above my head. My legs were straight. I could feel something tight around my wrist and my ankles, I couldn’t move. The gag was gone, but I couldn’t see anything so I don’t know if I was blindfolded or if I just disassociated what I was seeing.
Journal entry August 15, 2025: “The gagging sensation was gone at this point, I started receiving very large somatic waves bouncing through me almost like when you take a piece of a flexible tin and you snap it and make a thunder sound, that’s what it felt like. Waving up and down my body, very very, strong. I think it was pain and I think it was a lot. I think little Steve was screaming and that continued for a while and then the sensation around my genitals stopped.”
I was strapped to some sort of table stretched out, unable to move. They were producing pain, high levels of pain. I was screaming, by the end of this replay my throat was raw in the present. It was full body. I suspect they were using electricity. It’s the easiest and most efficient way to produce this kind of pain. This was not something new for them. They knew exactly what they were doing. Obviously, I was not the first child that they had done this to.
The pain went on for a while and present day was about 15 to 20 minutes. Then they turned it down, but not off. My genitals had still been tied during this time, they untied them. They started manually masturbating me and I got an erection and they kept going until I orgasm. Obviously at age 4 it’s physically possible to have an orgasm, but of course not being sexually mature there’s no ejaculate. There might be a small amount of fluid, that’s not why they did it. Just like Pavlov they were inducing pain and creating sexual stimulation to orgasm paired with the pain. But a single time is not enough to create the effect they wanted. Present day, I experienced the erection and the buildup, but not the orgasm, that part didn’t come through. My erection immediately went down just like would normally happen after an orgasm.
There is a few minutes pause but I could still feel the pain going on. And then it started again. In the past, they were manually masturbating me and I got fully erect and the whole process repeated, all the while the pain was still going on. They were teaching my body that pain and pleasure were intertwined. Just like Pavlov with his dogs, once was not enough, so they repeated it a second time to make the link stronger. Still, twice isn’t enough after my erection went down from the second time in a few minutes while the pain was still going on. They did it again for a third time. My little body was being programmed to equate, sex and orgasm with pain, they wanted to be able to use pain to cause sexual arousal and even orgasm in me for their clients to enjoy.
But three times was not enough, they repeated the process two more times all while keeping the pain going. Because of my age, 4 years old my nervous system was very neuroplastic. That means that they can rewire my nervous system so that these things are linked and because of developmental time they can stay linked for a very long time. And they did. I was in my mid 50s with a dominant man who figured out he could slap me across the face, hard and I would get an erection. They successfully made this connection so strong that 50 years later it still worked. Induced pain in the right way and I became sexually aroused. The effect of five orgasms while they induced pain were enough to help program my nervous system so that this became the default for it.
After they finished with this one, the next one started. This one was even more unbelievable. It started with a feeling that something was over my mouth, under my nose, but over my mouth and then under my jaw and it wrapped around the back of my head. It was tight and it kept my mouth closed. It wasn’t uncomfortable for a minute or so, and then I could feel myself being lifted. My feet stop touching the ground, whatever they had put around my mouth and jaw on the back of my head, they were using to lift me off the ground and hang me by my head.
Journal entry August 16, 2025: “The pain is pretty intense, my neck and the back of my head and everything are so sore right now it lasted about 10 minutes. I got an erection. I don’t think I orgasmed in the past. It went down slowly and it didn’t stop until my erection went down and then they let me down. That was the end of this one. Now I know why I’m so tough, this one I really wanted it to stop. It was about halfway through and I was really ready to be done with it…... My throat and my neck are killing me. I got hot packs on my neck. I have a terrible headache. My head is very sore and hurts a lot. This one is really bad. I don’t have any emotional context or anything else and I can’t see anything.”
I was four years old, and they took me and hung me by my head to help program me so that I would relate pain and sex together. I wasn’t a person to them. I was just a commodity that they were preparing me for the market and of course, none of this left any marks on me. There’s nothing to tell what they had done. I could go home tonight and nobody would know what happened
I had a brief image of the car ride home very similar to the first one I was in the back of the station wagon. Just briefly, it's kind of just blurry images.
Journal entry August 20, 2025: “I had a memory. This is the most bizarre one. I don’t even know what to make of this so I started out and invited memory in and I’m in the recliner and I had the strange pressure sensation in my collarbone on the shoulder in both collarbones and both shoulders. I had little I don’t even know what to call them like somebody was touching you with something not sharp, but kind of pointy, and it went like along the back of my neck and up my head and around in a pattern like almost like somebody was touching me with something, in a pattern you know it was like straight up the back of my neck. It was ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, like little points going up and then it went across and it went down, and there were various other kinds of strange sensations. I wasn’t really getting any clear visuals at all and this went on for a while and just different pressure sensations and then it switched and I felt myself running across the lawn. I could kind of see it and there was a buzzing noise and I fell down and I was on my back and the thought came that the bees are angry and I have no idea what that means and then it switched again to I was inside a house. Like in the living room that has a door that opens outside and the door was glass and I was small. I was so small I was looking up and a man came in in his 20s or 20-25, young guy and he was looking at me and I tried to say what are you doing in here and present day Steve it came out the strangle cry. I couldn’t actually articulated it and then I got this big fear spike and then I set up and it stopped and I don’t know whether it finished or whether the fear just caused me to lose the memory. I don’t know what it was, but I tried to yell at him and I was afraid and he never came. He opened the door, but he never actually came into the room and it’s not any house that we had. I remember what all of our front doors looked like, this was not one of ours. This was a strange house that I don’t ever remember being, and that was the end of the memory.”
I was able to identify the sensation, the ding, ding ding, it was a neural wheel. They use them to check nerve patterns and people, but they’re also used in bondage and discipline scenes. I could feel the individual pings as it ran up and around my head. When I’m inside the house, the front door and the furniture by the front door I was looking over and there was a table in front like a dining room table. It was all Art Deco, I recognize it now I didn’t as a child obviously. He was such a normal looking young guy, but I was terrified of him. It was never a house I’ve been in before. I think the rest of the scene is all related to him. The rest of the series I referred to as a BDSM memory. You’ll see why.
Journal entry August 21, 2025: ”I know what yesterday somatic memory was, the little pinpricks that I talked about it’s the neural wheel that neurologist used to track skin sensitivity so you can run down the dermatomes and find out where the nerves are active and where they’re not it’s used a lot in BDSM. That’s exactly what it was, once I thought about it. Somebody was running one of those over the back of my head and my neck, my upper back. Yesterday's image with the bees, I have no idea what that is. The ending where the young guy comes in through the door and I tried to yell at him. This is the same image. This is the same series, it’s connected. It seems like now it’s putting them together in order. It did with uncle Bill in the basement and this one seems to be an order today. It was probably about 45 minutes long. It started the same thing. I got all set in the recliner and my voice was low all day so I knew there was one waiting and my voice is still low. It went up for a little while after this was back down so there’s more. Today was the sensation of having a urinary catheter put in. I’ve had them before both, as in sexual play and in the hospital. I know the feeling as they put it in. The sensation was stronger than it should have been, I think it was larger than normal. It probably was 10 to 15 minutes and I could feel the sensation. I mean it felt about 80% of what a real catheter larger than normal one would feel like, just like the pinpricks, that’s a real sensation. I mean it wasn’t quite as intense but the somatic reactions are less than when it happened. I’m having the same type of sensations as this. After probably about 15 minutes I started getting an erection it felt like my penis was being touched. It went all the way up and lasted quite a while, maybe another 15-20 minutes and then I felt big somatic body waves. I’m assuming that was probably an orgasm. I didn’t orgasm this time in the present and it slowly went down after about another 15 minutes but the feeling of the catheter in there did not go away. Then finally after a total of probably about 45 minutes to an hour the reaction stopped, during that time there was periods of where it felt like somebody was pushing on my chest, a heavy weight covering from about mid lower sternum to belly button and covered to half the serum so the size of a adult hand probably. That was kind of intermittent during the time it never made it hard to breathe, but it was definitely a heavy weight on my chest after it ended, the feeling of having a catheter in place lasted for the next several hours. The feeling of after it’s out and it gradually faded. It was a very strange reaction. There were no visuals whatsoever normally for these things. I close my eyes and I find it’s easier to see what’s going on and there was some kind of little bit of light, but it was pretty mostly dark the whole time and there were no sounds. That was very uncomfortable. It was not to the threshold of pain, but it was very uncomfortable and so that’s where we’re at the fact that it didn’t finish the vision. The memories are not done and I am sitting here waiting.”
I think this was my first rental after programming. My reaction to the young guy coming in says it all. I already knew what this was about. I’d already been rented before. I think it was a nice looking young guy that came through the door. I don’t know why I think that, but that’s usually the way it works. Just like the guy before in pink shorts who rented me. Unfortunately this was just the beginning, there was more to come. It seems my mind breaks up so the previous one in this one was the same in a way. I’m glad that it does because it allows me to not only process this, but not get overwhelmed, if I’d had the full sequence one right after another, which has been pretty overwhelming. It's no wonder I disassociated it so much.
Journal entry August 23, 2025: “This one is still part of the same series. It started with a burning sensation from my elbows all the way down to my hands. I kind of felt like somebody rubbed bengay or icyhot, something like that. It lasted about 10 minutes, maybe 15 minutes. After that sensation faded. I started feeling something on my stomach. I don’t know what it was. It was just a sensation, maybe of touch or something. I'm not exactly sure what it was, then I could feel touch sensations, manipulating my penis into a full erection, and continuing to build. I didn’t orgasm in the present, but in the past, I probably did just like the other ones. That continued, the whole series probably took again, about another 10 to 15 minutes. Before that I got to orgasm, say maybe about 7 to 8 minutes in, I felt this really strong sensation coming from around my butt. It’s like you took a rope or something, and ran it around the inner thigh up to my knee, The only way I could relieve the sensation was to bring my leg up and bend it and put it out to the side, my foot down my butt. Then the same feeling happened on the right hand side so I pulled that leg up and the penile manipulation continued until I got to what I would say, it would be an orgasm in the past. I felt some somatic waves and stuff. There was kind of a pause and then it felt like there was a rope or something around my wrist, my right wrist only and that kind of pulling it tight and then the back of my hand hurt I mean, it really actually hurt it wasn’t mild. It was probably maybe three or four out of 10. I mean it was actually pretty painful, when my back hurts that’s usually like a five so this was pretty significant if I’ve been a child I probably would’ve been crying or screaming. As an adult, I was able to tolerate it, but it was actually pretty painful. That went on for a little while and I could feel the pressure on my fingers, different fingers, but it wasn’t as painful as that and then it just kind of faded out again.”
A lot of this is just somatic. I don’t actually know what they’re doing. I don’t hear anything, I don’t see anything, I could be blindfolded, I don’t know. It’s just the sensations. And when I get what I described as orgasms, I get these full body waves of sensation that kind of ripple up and down my body, but it’s the whole body it’s it’s not like a shiver, but it’s it’s kind of similar, but it just passes up and down. It’s very hard to describe. I’ve never felt anything like this before this happened.
This is why I don’t think this is programming any longer because it seems more like what somebody would do is part of a scene, a bondage and discipline scene. The neural wheel, the icy hot or BenGay whatever it was you know the burning sensation for my elbows down it just seems like this is something that somebody who rented me would be doing. And this is all part of the same thing. This took place at the same time. My replay is breaking it up into segments, but to little Steve this just all happened at once.
Journal entry August 24, 2025: ”I just finished the memory today and it was also somatic. It started out with a feeling on my stomach again. I’m still not sure what that sensation is. I could feel the ligature around my wrists and ankles pulling me. There were painful sensations on my hands, feet, mostly feet on my right foot and on my toes. Also on my fingers, I think they used electricity again. I had this huge, not a somatic wave at this time. This was like raw ugly vibration, but not vibration. I don’t even know how to describe it, my entire body from head to toes, and it was extremely strong. I could feel my muscles tensing and could feel pulling from the ligatures. The electricity was very bad. I don’t even know it could produce that type of sensation, but it was over my entire body. I’m not sure how long that lasted. It was the first blast was really high power probably at least several minutes maybe for five minutes and then it turned down a bit but continued and that’s when the erection started and it came all the way up over probably five or seven minutes to fully erect again, a probable orgasm in the past but nothing this time and then the erection dropped off, but they didn’t turn the current off. They left it on and it completely dropped off, not the current, but my erection, I felt it drop off for a few minutes. I felt a tremendous concentration sensation of the vibration on my penis and continued till I built all the way up to fully erect and probably an orgasm again. I don’t think I orgasmed this time. There was a fair bit of fluid leaked out though so maybe it was kind of an orgasm. I don’t know and then it dropped off all the way again. It was so strong that my fingers were spread out, like the muscles were spasming. Even though it’s been almost a half an hour since it stopped, in the present, the fingers on my right hand are still throbbing as well in my left hand and my feet. My right hand still hurts like a son of a bitch, first and second finger, finally it dropped off. I feel like I’ve run a marathon. I can see why these fragments are coming in, pieces it would be extremely difficult to try. I mean, I don’t know if I can do all of this at once, unfortunately little Steve didn’t have that luxury, that’s how it happened in the past. My fingers are just throbbing. I’m gonna put some heat on and my back is sore as well. It's no wonder why my mind waited till now to reveal this stuff, no way I could handle this as a young guy. This would’ve been absolutely devastating to have to experience this kind of stuff. It was a wise choice I made waiting. I have the maturity and the clarity, the understanding to be able to deal with this.”
Unfortunately, little Steve the slave didn’t have that option. He had to suffer all of this at once with no choice. For me as an adult, I have trouble tolerating this, you can imagine how this felt to a four year-old. I’m sure I was screaming. And I’m sure that’s what they wanted, enjoying torturing a four-year-old like this.
Journal entry August 25, 2025: “I’ve had some interesting revelations because I would continue processing what we were talking about today and what I realized is I had thought I was special in the way that I was not really a disposable boy, because I’ve said this many times in my journal because I lived in the neighborhood and Sherman was my big brother and everybody knew that in the neighborhood that if something happened to me, the suspicion would fall on uncle Bill. After talking through with you today and continuing to process further and think it through, I realize I was mistaken. I am a disposable boy, the sophistication of uncle’s operation, these people involved, the professional level of the film that they produced. All of that, the logistical support that they would need to support an operation like that, the creating of film. It’s marketing material, leads me to an understanding. Girls are not considered disposable because as they age, they’re still useful they, appeal to different segments. There are ones that like them young, but as they get older, actually they probably increase or decrease in value but they’re still useful as sexual objects. They called us disposable boys because once we were no longer useful, they dispose of us. What I thought no longer applies because I understand exactly what’s going on now, we’re disposable. We have to be replaced when we’re disposed of and the easiest replacement is fresh boys, and they obtain those while finding boys that nobody cares about and taking them, kidnapping them. That’s where I finally understood that uncle Bill‘s operation was very sophisticated. They would’ve had people that would’ve collected boys, kidnapped them, found them so they could be funneled into the system, sold, processed and trained. Uncle Bill could’ve easily arranged for me to accompany him on an errand, with the explanation that little Steve loves to go for car rides with uncle Bill and little Steve did because uncle Bill took him all over the place. It would've been very easy for him to arrange a public kidnapping while I was in his custody. A respected lawyer who had a neighbor's child that looked up to him as an uncle, kidnapped right out from under him. He would’ve planned it. He would’ve had the people available. He could’ve organized it so that the risk of the people kidnapping me would’ve been minimal. It happens every day all over the world, children are kidnapped. It doesn’t happen in this country with the frequency that people think it does but look how many runaway kids disappear. It would’ve been sensational and he would’ve been the victim. Not the suspect, he would’ve been the one that was taking little Steve with him, when his back was turned, the van pulled up and they grabbed me and drove off. He wouldn’t have even seen the license plate number. He would’ve been the grieving family friend and completely unsuspected, a respectable lawyer who had a neighbor’s child, a family friend kidnapped right out from underneath him. What would have happened when the kidnappers dropped me off? I would've ended up standing right in front of uncle Bill because I was a disposable boy. That’s just one method they would’ve had getting rid of me and I would’ve ended up like all the rest of them killed probably horribly.”
Up until this time, I really thought I was protected and that, although they were doing all this to me, I wasn’t really a disposable boy, but somehow because I live close to uncle Bill I was safe. Nothing could’ve been further from the truth. I was completely disposable just like all the other boys. This realization that I’ve entered in my journal shows just one method of me disappearing. The real horror would’ve been when they got me and took me to wherever they were going I would’ve ended up standing in front of uncle Bill as a disposable boy. He already showed me what would’ve happened in the basement. I started speculating at this point also that because this is uncle Bill‘s operation and he was in charge, the boy in the basement, he would’ve had to approve that boy getting killed. An even darker suspicion arose in me that he didn’t just approve it, that he killed that boy himself. I began to suspect, I was a slave to a killer.
This is the final one in the series, and I’m editing it slightly, for obvious reasons I’m not gonna reveal where on my body they inflicted the pain that causes this. Because 60 years later, it still works, if you inflict pain in the right way on the right part of my body, well you’ll see what happens.
Journal entry August 26, 2025: “It started out there was no visuals, nothing else, just somatic. It started out with pain on…. like a pin prick. It produced an erection and it kind of felt like maybe someone helped, touched my penis and came all the way up to what I consider, you know in the past and orgasm. I have not had an orgasm with any of these somatic reactions and I’m not exactly sure why, but I don’t think it matters. I recognize it back in the time I did have an orgasm. Just like I don’t get a full replay of everything. I think this part of the replay, just isn't replaying you know when I feel the sensations they’re not full strength, they’re partial strength. Some of them are stronger than others, but it’s never full strength and so I think that probably has something to do with it. It’s just it’s not quite all the way there. I’m replaying most of what happened but not all of it, feeling for feeling , muscle for muscle or orgasm. I went right to orgasm and then the memories seemed to stop and so I waited and nothing happened. I waited a little longer and still nothing happened so I invited the memory in and basically I did that. I said, “Is there more? If there's more, show me the rest. I'm ready. I wanna see the rest.” What happened next is very difficult to describe, but I’ll do the best I can. There were several areas, fingers, toes and in my feet where I felt a painful stimulus. Not like before with uncle Bill or previous one that was more like a bondage and discipline scene where a series of programmed events went. It was more. It was about a third or less of what they did and what happened is they inflicted pain and I got a full erection and went all the way to what would’ve been an orgasm. I could feel my body stiffen. I could feel the straining, I could feel the release when my body actually relaxed into the chair, which would’ve been when it originally happened an orgasm. Nobody touched me. There was no other sensation. What happened was they inflicted pain and my body progressed from soft to fully erect to an orgasm without any assistance. In other words, they had programmed me, so that all it took was the infliction of pain at a sufficient level and in a specific spot, and I would progress all the way to orgasm without assistance. That’s what their programming has produced and it sounds bad and it gets worse. What happened was when the orgasm ended there is normally a refractory period while the body recovers before it can do it again. When the body resets and then can go through the process again, even at a young age, there’s still a refractory period. When my body collapsed and relaxed, my erection did not diminish like normal, but the orgasm feeling was there, and I don’t really feel the feeling when I say that what I’m saying is the combination of physical events, straining, the body moving and responding as in an orgasm. It took about 15 seconds, they inflicted more pain briefly and I moved right into the complete cycle without my erection diminishing in any way, I went through the complete orgasm cycle again. Over a period of about a minute and a half to two minutes and orgasm a second time with only a 15 second pause. In other words, their programming was so strong that it overrode my body's normal refractory period. Reinstituting pain completed the cycle again so to recap I had pain inflicted and within several minutes, moved directly from that to orgasm with no assistance nothing else was done to me. There were no other feelings, no other pain, no sensation of touching my penis. The pain lead directly to orgasm, 15 seconds later after the orgasm ended they did it again and I went through the same process and had a 2ed orgasm and when that one ended, they waited about 15 to 20 seconds and inflicted the pain again and I went through the process and had a 3rd orgasm. They waited again and inflected pain and I went through the process and had a 4th orgasm, and a 5th, and a 6th, and a 7th and an 8th and a 9th and finally a 10th. Their programming and what they did to me enabled them to short circuit my bodies normal reactions and they were able to inflict 10 orgasms in a row not a wave of 10 orgasms or 10 feelings of orgasms in a multi orgasmic wave 10 complete orgasmic cycles, without going limp my penis stayed erect the entire time”
I told you I’d provide proof that this is what happened to me. It’s quite simple what I just described, inflicting pain in a specific part of my body that causes erection and orgasm, these memories from 60 years ago.
Here’s the proof, I tried it. I inflicted pain, just like they did, and the results were the same.
It still works.
I tried it.
I got an erection and an orgasm from a pinprick on my body 60 years later.
What they did to me is still with me, my body still responds to what they did 60 years ago. There’s no way to fake this. There’s no way this is a mistake. Everything I remembered, happened exactly as I said. I’m still living with it today.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the end of the story, as hard as it is to believe. It gets worse. I’ll save that for the next chapter.
This is no ordinary story. What follows is what they did to me to program me to respond sexually to pain. It’s graphic, raw, unbelievable and exactly the way it happened. This couldn’t be portrayed in movies even with adults let alone a child. Part of my healing process is for people to understand, and for me to be able to speak my truth. What follows is graphic and violent beyond belief. I suspect many of you won’t believe this, and even though it happened to me, I still at times find it hard to believe, but it did happen and I have proof. If you choose to read this be warned.
If you wanna read my full story, here’s the first two parts:
Little Steve, How I survived trafficking at age 4, 60 years ago Triggers Definitely
Little Steve the basement a four-year-old shown his fate
Sexual Programming
From the title, you probably think this is gonna be about how it was trained to perform different sexual acts. It’s very common with survivors either directly taught or through reinforcement taught how to please men. Unfortunately, for me, that’s not what they did at all. Uncle Bill was no ordinary man and his plans for me, we’re not ordinary either.
I was uncle Bill slave. I was allowed to live at home with my parents who didn’t know, which meant I couldn’t walk in the door at night all beat up, bloody and bruised. The police would’ve been called immediately, the things they did to me couldn’t leave marks. Just like when uncle Bill threw me into the room and said, ”No marks.”
You might think that that would be a good thing that they couldn’t beat me up, physically abuse me like that. It turns out it was no protection. They had plenty of other boys they could do that too, uncle Bill had something special in mind for me.
When I was in school, I learned about Pavlov and his dogs. Most of you probably learned this, it was the beginning of our understanding of psychological programming. He would ring a bell, then put a bowl of food down for the dog. After doing that enough times he could ring the bell and without any food appearing, the dog would start to salivate. The dog had been programmed so that just the sound of the bell would create the sensation that food was appearing, and the dog would become ready to eat. We learned even more about this, if you want to know more check out Skinner and his rats.
But the essence of that is that people just like animals can be programmed to respond in a certain way when it’s repeated. And I don’t wanna make this sound totally evil, we do this to ourselves all the time where we program behaviors in by repeating them over and over and the trigger in the case of Pavloff with the bell, can be anything.
The story begins after the basement. Where I learned that the price of disobedience was death. Uncle Bill showed me exactly what happens. The boys that don’t do as they’re told, are beaten to death. I was four years old. If you’ve read my other stories, you probably think that there’s not a lot worse that could happen to a four-year-old, you’re wrong.
Like before, I’m sitting on my back patio now 65 and it’s a cloudy day, but it’s still sunshiny out, it helps me write. So I’m gonna bring the dark parts of what happened to me out into the sunlight and share them with you.
The memory starts, I’m in the very rear seat of the station wagon on the passenger side. The driver side was Sherman's side because it was his car so he got to sit behind the driver, his father. So my side was on the passenger side. Only this time things were slightly different. I couldn’t speak. I was gagged. I think there might’ve been something over my eyes because everything was very milky and fuzzy, maybe I disassociated. I could see out the back window of the station wagon trees that were going by. They line the road we were on, big trees.
Something is tied tight around my genitals and they’re very sore, like when you leave a penis ring on too long and it becomes engorged and very sensitive and painful. This was on purpose, I was being prepared for what was coming next.
Present day me sitting in my recliner, recalling this, it seemed to last about 15 minutes. I don’t know if it did last that long when it happened to little Steve but it seemed to be about that length of time. It was pretty uncomfortable present day. I’m sure when I was little Steve it probably hurt. When I have these somatic reactions, the physical replay of what I went through. Most of the time it’s not quite as intense. I’d say it’s about 80% of what I experienced when I was little Steve. So I don’t know about the time it could’ve been shorter or longer, but it seemed about right.
Journal entry August 15, 2025: “It started with a gagging sensation, choking. I think I was gagged. I could feel something around my genitals. It was tied tight. There was some sort of tie around both penis and testicles, I had the feeling of it being tied for quite a while like if you leave a penis ring on too long and it starts to cut off the circulation. It was very uncomfortable even now, back then it probably would’ve been painful. The view out the back window was very shadowy and very like behind a fog, probably disassociation. I could see big trees on the left-hand side of the road going by. It was a line of them, big huge trees that was all the visuals I got.”
Everything got dark, and I could feel that I was laying on something hard, my arms were stretched above my head. My legs were straight. I could feel something tight around my wrist and my ankles, I couldn’t move. The gag was gone, but I couldn’t see anything so I don’t know if I was blindfolded or if I just disassociated what I was seeing.
Journal entry August 15, 2025: “The gagging sensation was gone at this point, I started receiving very large somatic waves bouncing through me almost like when you take a piece of a flexible tin and you snap it and make a thunder sound, that’s what it felt like. Waving up and down my body, very very, strong. I think it was pain and I think it was a lot. I think little Steve was screaming and that continued for a while and then the sensation around my genitals stopped.”
I was strapped to some sort of table stretched out, unable to move. They were producing pain, high levels of pain. I was screaming, by the end of this replay my throat was raw in the present. It was full body. I suspect they were using electricity. It’s the easiest and most efficient way to produce this kind of pain. This was not something new for them. They knew exactly what they were doing. Obviously, I was not the first child that they had done this to.
The pain went on for a while and present day was about 15 to 20 minutes. Then they turned it down, but not off. My genitals had still been tied during this time, they untied them. They started manually masturbating me and I got an erection and they kept going until I orgasm. Obviously at age 4 it’s physically possible to have an orgasm, but of course not being sexually mature there’s no ejaculate. There might be a small amount of fluid, that’s not why they did it. Just like Pavlov they were inducing pain and creating sexual stimulation to orgasm paired with the pain. But a single time is not enough to create the effect they wanted. Present day, I experienced the erection and the buildup, but not the orgasm, that part didn’t come through. My erection immediately went down just like would normally happen after an orgasm.
There is a few minutes pause but I could still feel the pain going on. And then it started again. In the past, they were manually masturbating me and I got fully erect and the whole process repeated, all the while the pain was still going on. They were teaching my body that pain and pleasure were intertwined. Just like Pavlov with his dogs, once was not enough, so they repeated it a second time to make the link stronger. Still, twice isn’t enough after my erection went down from the second time in a few minutes while the pain was still going on. They did it again for a third time. My little body was being programmed to equate, sex and orgasm with pain, they wanted to be able to use pain to cause sexual arousal and even orgasm in me for their clients to enjoy.
But three times was not enough, they repeated the process two more times all while keeping the pain going. Because of my age, 4 years old my nervous system was very neuroplastic. That means that they can rewire my nervous system so that these things are linked and because of developmental time they can stay linked for a very long time. And they did. I was in my mid 50s with a dominant man who figured out he could slap me across the face, hard and I would get an erection. They successfully made this connection so strong that 50 years later it still worked. Induced pain in the right way and I became sexually aroused. The effect of five orgasms while they induced pain were enough to help program my nervous system so that this became the default for it.
After they finished with this one, the next one started. This one was even more unbelievable. It started with a feeling that something was over my mouth, under my nose, but over my mouth and then under my jaw and it wrapped around the back of my head. It was tight and it kept my mouth closed. It wasn’t uncomfortable for a minute or so, and then I could feel myself being lifted. My feet stop touching the ground, whatever they had put around my mouth and jaw on the back of my head, they were using to lift me off the ground and hang me by my head.
Journal entry August 16, 2025: “The pain is pretty intense, my neck and the back of my head and everything are so sore right now it lasted about 10 minutes. I got an erection. I don’t think I orgasmed in the past. It went down slowly and it didn’t stop until my erection went down and then they let me down. That was the end of this one. Now I know why I’m so tough, this one I really wanted it to stop. It was about halfway through and I was really ready to be done with it…... My throat and my neck are killing me. I got hot packs on my neck. I have a terrible headache. My head is very sore and hurts a lot. This one is really bad. I don’t have any emotional context or anything else and I can’t see anything.”
I was four years old, and they took me and hung me by my head to help program me so that I would relate pain and sex together. I wasn’t a person to them. I was just a commodity that they were preparing me for the market and of course, none of this left any marks on me. There’s nothing to tell what they had done. I could go home tonight and nobody would know what happened
I had a brief image of the car ride home very similar to the first one I was in the back of the station wagon. Just briefly, it's kind of just blurry images.
Journal entry August 20, 2025: “I had a memory. This is the most bizarre one. I don’t even know what to make of this so I started out and invited memory in and I’m in the recliner and I had the strange pressure sensation in my collarbone on the shoulder in both collarbones and both shoulders. I had little I don’t even know what to call them like somebody was touching you with something not sharp, but kind of pointy, and it went like along the back of my neck and up my head and around in a pattern like almost like somebody was touching me with something, in a pattern you know it was like straight up the back of my neck. It was ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, like little points going up and then it went across and it went down, and there were various other kinds of strange sensations. I wasn’t really getting any clear visuals at all and this went on for a while and just different pressure sensations and then it switched and I felt myself running across the lawn. I could kind of see it and there was a buzzing noise and I fell down and I was on my back and the thought came that the bees are angry and I have no idea what that means and then it switched again to I was inside a house. Like in the living room that has a door that opens outside and the door was glass and I was small. I was so small I was looking up and a man came in in his 20s or 20-25, young guy and he was looking at me and I tried to say what are you doing in here and present day Steve it came out the strangle cry. I couldn’t actually articulated it and then I got this big fear spike and then I set up and it stopped and I don’t know whether it finished or whether the fear just caused me to lose the memory. I don’t know what it was, but I tried to yell at him and I was afraid and he never came. He opened the door, but he never actually came into the room and it’s not any house that we had. I remember what all of our front doors looked like, this was not one of ours. This was a strange house that I don’t ever remember being, and that was the end of the memory.”
I was able to identify the sensation, the ding, ding ding, it was a neural wheel. They use them to check nerve patterns and people, but they’re also used in bondage and discipline scenes. I could feel the individual pings as it ran up and around my head. When I’m inside the house, the front door and the furniture by the front door I was looking over and there was a table in front like a dining room table. It was all Art Deco, I recognize it now I didn’t as a child obviously. He was such a normal looking young guy, but I was terrified of him. It was never a house I’ve been in before. I think the rest of the scene is all related to him. The rest of the series I referred to as a BDSM memory. You’ll see why.
Journal entry August 21, 2025: ”I know what yesterday somatic memory was, the little pinpricks that I talked about it’s the neural wheel that neurologist used to track skin sensitivity so you can run down the dermatomes and find out where the nerves are active and where they’re not it’s used a lot in BDSM. That’s exactly what it was, once I thought about it. Somebody was running one of those over the back of my head and my neck, my upper back. Yesterday's image with the bees, I have no idea what that is. The ending where the young guy comes in through the door and I tried to yell at him. This is the same image. This is the same series, it’s connected. It seems like now it’s putting them together in order. It did with uncle Bill in the basement and this one seems to be an order today. It was probably about 45 minutes long. It started the same thing. I got all set in the recliner and my voice was low all day so I knew there was one waiting and my voice is still low. It went up for a little while after this was back down so there’s more. Today was the sensation of having a urinary catheter put in. I’ve had them before both, as in sexual play and in the hospital. I know the feeling as they put it in. The sensation was stronger than it should have been, I think it was larger than normal. It probably was 10 to 15 minutes and I could feel the sensation. I mean it felt about 80% of what a real catheter larger than normal one would feel like, just like the pinpricks, that’s a real sensation. I mean it wasn’t quite as intense but the somatic reactions are less than when it happened. I’m having the same type of sensations as this. After probably about 15 minutes I started getting an erection it felt like my penis was being touched. It went all the way up and lasted quite a while, maybe another 15-20 minutes and then I felt big somatic body waves. I’m assuming that was probably an orgasm. I didn’t orgasm this time in the present and it slowly went down after about another 15 minutes but the feeling of the catheter in there did not go away. Then finally after a total of probably about 45 minutes to an hour the reaction stopped, during that time there was periods of where it felt like somebody was pushing on my chest, a heavy weight covering from about mid lower sternum to belly button and covered to half the serum so the size of a adult hand probably. That was kind of intermittent during the time it never made it hard to breathe, but it was definitely a heavy weight on my chest after it ended, the feeling of having a catheter in place lasted for the next several hours. The feeling of after it’s out and it gradually faded. It was a very strange reaction. There were no visuals whatsoever normally for these things. I close my eyes and I find it’s easier to see what’s going on and there was some kind of little bit of light, but it was pretty mostly dark the whole time and there were no sounds. That was very uncomfortable. It was not to the threshold of pain, but it was very uncomfortable and so that’s where we’re at the fact that it didn’t finish the vision. The memories are not done and I am sitting here waiting.”
I think this was my first rental after programming. My reaction to the young guy coming in says it all. I already knew what this was about. I’d already been rented before. I think it was a nice looking young guy that came through the door. I don’t know why I think that, but that’s usually the way it works. Just like the guy before in pink shorts who rented me. Unfortunately this was just the beginning, there was more to come. It seems my mind breaks up so the previous one in this one was the same in a way. I’m glad that it does because it allows me to not only process this, but not get overwhelmed, if I’d had the full sequence one right after another, which has been pretty overwhelming. It's no wonder I disassociated it so much.
Journal entry August 23, 2025: “This one is still part of the same series. It started with a burning sensation from my elbows all the way down to my hands. I kind of felt like somebody rubbed bengay or icyhot, something like that. It lasted about 10 minutes, maybe 15 minutes. After that sensation faded. I started feeling something on my stomach. I don’t know what it was. It was just a sensation, maybe of touch or something. I'm not exactly sure what it was, then I could feel touch sensations, manipulating my penis into a full erection, and continuing to build. I didn’t orgasm in the present, but in the past, I probably did just like the other ones. That continued, the whole series probably took again, about another 10 to 15 minutes. Before that I got to orgasm, say maybe about 7 to 8 minutes in, I felt this really strong sensation coming from around my butt. It’s like you took a rope or something, and ran it around the inner thigh up to my knee, The only way I could relieve the sensation was to bring my leg up and bend it and put it out to the side, my foot down my butt. Then the same feeling happened on the right hand side so I pulled that leg up and the penile manipulation continued until I got to what I would say, it would be an orgasm in the past. I felt some somatic waves and stuff. There was kind of a pause and then it felt like there was a rope or something around my wrist, my right wrist only and that kind of pulling it tight and then the back of my hand hurt I mean, it really actually hurt it wasn’t mild. It was probably maybe three or four out of 10. I mean it was actually pretty painful, when my back hurts that’s usually like a five so this was pretty significant if I’ve been a child I probably would’ve been crying or screaming. As an adult, I was able to tolerate it, but it was actually pretty painful. That went on for a little while and I could feel the pressure on my fingers, different fingers, but it wasn’t as painful as that and then it just kind of faded out again.”
A lot of this is just somatic. I don’t actually know what they’re doing. I don’t hear anything, I don’t see anything, I could be blindfolded, I don’t know. It’s just the sensations. And when I get what I described as orgasms, I get these full body waves of sensation that kind of ripple up and down my body, but it’s the whole body it’s it’s not like a shiver, but it’s it’s kind of similar, but it just passes up and down. It’s very hard to describe. I’ve never felt anything like this before this happened.
This is why I don’t think this is programming any longer because it seems more like what somebody would do is part of a scene, a bondage and discipline scene. The neural wheel, the icy hot or BenGay whatever it was you know the burning sensation for my elbows down it just seems like this is something that somebody who rented me would be doing. And this is all part of the same thing. This took place at the same time. My replay is breaking it up into segments, but to little Steve this just all happened at once.
Journal entry August 24, 2025: ”I just finished the memory today and it was also somatic. It started out with a feeling on my stomach again. I’m still not sure what that sensation is. I could feel the ligature around my wrists and ankles pulling me. There were painful sensations on my hands, feet, mostly feet on my right foot and on my toes. Also on my fingers, I think they used electricity again. I had this huge, not a somatic wave at this time. This was like raw ugly vibration, but not vibration. I don’t even know how to describe it, my entire body from head to toes, and it was extremely strong. I could feel my muscles tensing and could feel pulling from the ligatures. The electricity was very bad. I don’t even know it could produce that type of sensation, but it was over my entire body. I’m not sure how long that lasted. It was the first blast was really high power probably at least several minutes maybe for five minutes and then it turned down a bit but continued and that’s when the erection started and it came all the way up over probably five or seven minutes to fully erect again, a probable orgasm in the past but nothing this time and then the erection dropped off, but they didn’t turn the current off. They left it on and it completely dropped off, not the current, but my erection, I felt it drop off for a few minutes. I felt a tremendous concentration sensation of the vibration on my penis and continued till I built all the way up to fully erect and probably an orgasm again. I don’t think I orgasmed this time. There was a fair bit of fluid leaked out though so maybe it was kind of an orgasm. I don’t know and then it dropped off all the way again. It was so strong that my fingers were spread out, like the muscles were spasming. Even though it’s been almost a half an hour since it stopped, in the present, the fingers on my right hand are still throbbing as well in my left hand and my feet. My right hand still hurts like a son of a bitch, first and second finger, finally it dropped off. I feel like I’ve run a marathon. I can see why these fragments are coming in, pieces it would be extremely difficult to try. I mean, I don’t know if I can do all of this at once, unfortunately little Steve didn’t have that luxury, that’s how it happened in the past. My fingers are just throbbing. I’m gonna put some heat on and my back is sore as well. It's no wonder why my mind waited till now to reveal this stuff, no way I could handle this as a young guy. This would’ve been absolutely devastating to have to experience this kind of stuff. It was a wise choice I made waiting. I have the maturity and the clarity, the understanding to be able to deal with this.”
Unfortunately, little Steve the slave didn’t have that option. He had to suffer all of this at once with no choice. For me as an adult, I have trouble tolerating this, you can imagine how this felt to a four year-old. I’m sure I was screaming. And I’m sure that’s what they wanted, enjoying torturing a four-year-old like this.
Journal entry August 25, 2025: “I’ve had some interesting revelations because I would continue processing what we were talking about today and what I realized is I had thought I was special in the way that I was not really a disposable boy, because I’ve said this many times in my journal because I lived in the neighborhood and Sherman was my big brother and everybody knew that in the neighborhood that if something happened to me, the suspicion would fall on uncle Bill. After talking through with you today and continuing to process further and think it through, I realize I was mistaken. I am a disposable boy, the sophistication of uncle’s operation, these people involved, the professional level of the film that they produced. All of that, the logistical support that they would need to support an operation like that, the creating of film. It’s marketing material, leads me to an understanding. Girls are not considered disposable because as they age, they’re still useful they, appeal to different segments. There are ones that like them young, but as they get older, actually they probably increase or decrease in value but they’re still useful as sexual objects. They called us disposable boys because once we were no longer useful, they dispose of us. What I thought no longer applies because I understand exactly what’s going on now, we’re disposable. We have to be replaced when we’re disposed of and the easiest replacement is fresh boys, and they obtain those while finding boys that nobody cares about and taking them, kidnapping them. That’s where I finally understood that uncle Bill‘s operation was very sophisticated. They would’ve had people that would’ve collected boys, kidnapped them, found them so they could be funneled into the system, sold, processed and trained. Uncle Bill could’ve easily arranged for me to accompany him on an errand, with the explanation that little Steve loves to go for car rides with uncle Bill and little Steve did because uncle Bill took him all over the place. It would've been very easy for him to arrange a public kidnapping while I was in his custody. A respected lawyer who had a neighbor's child that looked up to him as an uncle, kidnapped right out from under him. He would’ve planned it. He would’ve had the people available. He could’ve organized it so that the risk of the people kidnapping me would’ve been minimal. It happens every day all over the world, children are kidnapped. It doesn’t happen in this country with the frequency that people think it does but look how many runaway kids disappear. It would’ve been sensational and he would’ve been the victim. Not the suspect, he would’ve been the one that was taking little Steve with him, when his back was turned, the van pulled up and they grabbed me and drove off. He wouldn’t have even seen the license plate number. He would’ve been the grieving family friend and completely unsuspected, a respectable lawyer who had a neighbor’s child, a family friend kidnapped right out from underneath him. What would have happened when the kidnappers dropped me off? I would've ended up standing right in front of uncle Bill because I was a disposable boy. That’s just one method they would’ve had getting rid of me and I would’ve ended up like all the rest of them killed probably horribly.”
Up until this time, I really thought I was protected and that, although they were doing all this to me, I wasn’t really a disposable boy, but somehow because I live close to uncle Bill I was safe. Nothing could’ve been further from the truth. I was completely disposable just like all the other boys. This realization that I’ve entered in my journal shows just one method of me disappearing. The real horror would’ve been when they got me and took me to wherever they were going I would’ve ended up standing in front of uncle Bill as a disposable boy. He already showed me what would’ve happened in the basement. I started speculating at this point also that because this is uncle Bill‘s operation and he was in charge, the boy in the basement, he would’ve had to approve that boy getting killed. An even darker suspicion arose in me that he didn’t just approve it, that he killed that boy himself. I began to suspect, I was a slave to a killer.
This is the final one in the series, and I’m editing it slightly, for obvious reasons I’m not gonna reveal where on my body they inflicted the pain that causes this. Because 60 years later, it still works, if you inflict pain in the right way on the right part of my body, well you’ll see what happens.
Journal entry August 26, 2025: “It started out there was no visuals, nothing else, just somatic. It started out with pain on…. like a pin prick. It produced an erection and it kind of felt like maybe someone helped, touched my penis and came all the way up to what I consider, you know in the past and orgasm. I have not had an orgasm with any of these somatic reactions and I’m not exactly sure why, but I don’t think it matters. I recognize it back in the time I did have an orgasm. Just like I don’t get a full replay of everything. I think this part of the replay, just isn't replaying you know when I feel the sensations they’re not full strength, they’re partial strength. Some of them are stronger than others, but it’s never full strength and so I think that probably has something to do with it. It’s just it’s not quite all the way there. I’m replaying most of what happened but not all of it, feeling for feeling , muscle for muscle or orgasm. I went right to orgasm and then the memories seemed to stop and so I waited and nothing happened. I waited a little longer and still nothing happened so I invited the memory in and basically I did that. I said, “Is there more? If there's more, show me the rest. I'm ready. I wanna see the rest.” What happened next is very difficult to describe, but I’ll do the best I can. There were several areas, fingers, toes and in my feet where I felt a painful stimulus. Not like before with uncle Bill or previous one that was more like a bondage and discipline scene where a series of programmed events went. It was more. It was about a third or less of what they did and what happened is they inflicted pain and I got a full erection and went all the way to what would’ve been an orgasm. I could feel my body stiffen. I could feel the straining, I could feel the release when my body actually relaxed into the chair, which would’ve been when it originally happened an orgasm. Nobody touched me. There was no other sensation. What happened was they inflicted pain and my body progressed from soft to fully erect to an orgasm without any assistance. In other words, they had programmed me, so that all it took was the infliction of pain at a sufficient level and in a specific spot, and I would progress all the way to orgasm without assistance. That’s what their programming has produced and it sounds bad and it gets worse. What happened was when the orgasm ended there is normally a refractory period while the body recovers before it can do it again. When the body resets and then can go through the process again, even at a young age, there’s still a refractory period. When my body collapsed and relaxed, my erection did not diminish like normal, but the orgasm feeling was there, and I don’t really feel the feeling when I say that what I’m saying is the combination of physical events, straining, the body moving and responding as in an orgasm. It took about 15 seconds, they inflicted more pain briefly and I moved right into the complete cycle without my erection diminishing in any way, I went through the complete orgasm cycle again. Over a period of about a minute and a half to two minutes and orgasm a second time with only a 15 second pause. In other words, their programming was so strong that it overrode my body's normal refractory period. Reinstituting pain completed the cycle again so to recap I had pain inflicted and within several minutes, moved directly from that to orgasm with no assistance nothing else was done to me. There were no other feelings, no other pain, no sensation of touching my penis. The pain lead directly to orgasm, 15 seconds later after the orgasm ended they did it again and I went through the same process and had a 2ed orgasm and when that one ended, they waited about 15 to 20 seconds and inflicted the pain again and I went through the process and had a 3rd orgasm. They waited again and inflected pain and I went through the process and had a 4th orgasm, and a 5th, and a 6th, and a 7th and an 8th and a 9th and finally a 10th. Their programming and what they did to me enabled them to short circuit my bodies normal reactions and they were able to inflict 10 orgasms in a row not a wave of 10 orgasms or 10 feelings of orgasms in a multi orgasmic wave 10 complete orgasmic cycles, without going limp my penis stayed erect the entire time”
I told you I’d provide proof that this is what happened to me. It’s quite simple what I just described, inflicting pain in a specific part of my body that causes erection and orgasm, these memories from 60 years ago.
Here’s the proof, I tried it. I inflicted pain, just like they did, and the results were the same.
It still works.
I tried it.
I got an erection and an orgasm from a pinprick on my body 60 years later.
What they did to me is still with me, my body still responds to what they did 60 years ago. There’s no way to fake this. There’s no way this is a mistake. Everything I remembered, happened exactly as I said. I’m still living with it today.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the end of the story, as hard as it is to believe. It gets worse. I’ll save that for the next chapter.