Learning to hate your abuser

Learning to hate your abuser
Troy86

Troy86

Registrant
I am a new member here, I do read through lots of posts and read this, learning to hate your abuser. It really struck a cord. Sounds simple. But not always easy. But definitely a step forward.
 
I got what I needed from my abuser, love, compassion, friendship, and understanding. He explained everything he was going to do to me knowing I could not do the same to him as I was only 8 years old. He was gental always asking me if I was okay. If it hurt he would stop to try again later. He gave me the love I was lacking from parents and family. He was my step-brother I looked up to and honestly, I loved him.
This is what I felt at such a young age. My adult self now hates what he took from me. He's dead and gone now but I still don't really hate him, just what he did to me.
 
Hi Troy

Looking back with my adult mind I had a crush on primary abuser, he didn't hurt me until the day he gave me away. I was 5 and he was away in University. I still do not harbour any bad thoughts all but him giving me away. I was found sleeping in his bed when he was away at school. He was nice to me and I would have and did do anything he wanted me to do.
 
I cannot speak to your journey, but perhaps sharing my own thoughts might help. The mixed feelings I had for my abuser contributed in a big way to why it took me so long to recognize that what happened to me was abusive. It's called grooming - that subtle, gentle and engaging way that so many abusers use. By the time he consummated (precisely the word) the relationship with me that he had aimed for - worked so patiently on - I felt like I had really bought into it. So while I knew it was his fault, the fact that I responded to him, gave him the weakest of NO's that always resigned to OKAY's, and even learned that I could tease him at will (my power over the situation that kept him off others) - it was impossible to feel hate, which was the antithesis of the intense connectedness that was occurring.

The fact is that even though I thought I should hate him, I never did.. He was the "big brother" friend next door. My mentor, my idol. So how does that switch get flipped? Did I approve what he did? No. But disapproving is not the same as hating. I met him much later in our lives and we had some conversations. I still couldn't hate him. It took me a long time to realize that not hating him did not dilute the crime he committed against me one little bit. It did not diminish what he did, and my willingness to engage when I was barely pubescent did not either. Gently grooming a twelve year old boy to engage in sexual intercourse is called rape, no matter how otherwise wonderful that friendship may seem. It can take a lifetime to untie all the knots it leaves in your soul. I still haven't. But I learned that even if I loved him, he raped me. Those can coexist; one truth doesn't preclude the other.

A prerequisite for my journey of healing was not that I had to learn to hate him. If it was, I would not know where to start anyways. It is simply not a bar that you as a victim need to meet. You need not require of yourself that you find the hate - even if others say you are supposed to. All you need is to be brutally honest with your own feelings. Mark Twain put it best for me: Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. We were violets because that simply what we were - even if we wish we were dog sh*t on those heels instead.
 
C. E. (Chase Eric) said:
I cannot speak to your journey, but perhaps sharing my own thoughts might help. The mixed feelings I had for my abuser contributed in a big way to why it took me so long to recognize that what happened to me was abusive. It's called grooming - that subtle, gentle and engaging way that so many abusers use. By the time he consummated (precisely the word) the relationship with me that he had aimed for - worked so patiently on - I felt like I had really bought into it. So while I knew it was his fault, the fact that I responded to him, gave him the weakest of NO's that always resigned to OKAY's, and even learned that I could tease him at will (my power over the situation that kept him off others) - it was impossible to feel hate, which was the antithesis of the intense connectedness that was occurring.

The fact is that even though I thought I should hate him, I never did.. He was the "big brother" friend next door. My mentor, my idol. So how does that switch get flipped? Did I approve what he did? No. But disapproving is not the same as hating. I met him much later in our lives and we had some conversations. I still couldn't hate him. It took me a long time to realize that not hating him did not dilute the crime he committed against me one little bit. It did not diminish what he did, and my willingness to engage when I was barely pubescent did not either. Gently grooming a twelve year old boy to engage in sexual intercourse is called rape, no matter how otherwise wonderful that friendship may seem. It can take a lifetime to untie all the knots it leaves in your soul. I still haven't. But I learned that even if I loved him, he raped me. Those can coexist; one truth doesn't preclude the other.

A prerequisite for my journey of healing was not that I had to learn to hate him. If it was, I would not know where to start anyways. It is simply not a bar that you as a victim need to meet. You need not require of yourself that you find the hate - even if others say you are supposed to. All you need is to be brutally honest with your own feelings. Mark Twain put it best for me: Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. We were violets because that simply what we were - even if we wish we were dog sh*t on those heels instead.
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It is difficult to hate someone who gave you good memories. Anger and hate will eat you up, so I am moving on from those thoughts.
 
There will be a moment when you will either hate your abuser or you will just say it isn't worth it I need to work on more important stuff. I was not even thinking of hating my abuser till someone asked me what do you think happened to him and without thinking I said who the fuck cares what happened to him that doesn't give him the right to do what he did to me.
 
F.A. said:
There will be a moment when you will either hate your abuser or you will just say it isn't worth it I need to work on more important stuff. I was not even thinking of hating my abuser till someone asked me what do you think happened to him and without thinking I said who the fuck cares what happened to him that doesn't give him the right to do what he did to me.
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Thanks F.A. That sounds like a positive move forwards.
 
First I want to support the idea that you don't need to do anything, such as hating your abuser. Your feelings are accurate no matter what they are.

I spent decades hating the man who molested me. 30 some years later I stood not more then 30 feet apart. I wasn't overcome with rage. In fact a blissful calm poured over me. Seeing him in the present I was able to forgive him. It wasn't a conscious act. It just was. It doesn't invalidate what I felt for so long. Nor does it change the intense anger he is bringing up in EMDR. All I need to do is accept whatever I am feeling as the truth of the moment.
 
I hate my attacker because he got away with it and never showed any remorse for what he did to me.
 
My abuser gets nothing from me.

No more of my time. I have conquered revenge by not acting out through hatred. My abuser is not forgiven. Only his God can give him that.

I would give much less. My abuser deserves nothing but struggle and fear. The same thing I have lived with all these years.

He can occupy my mind once in awhile but I will kill the very memory of his existence, in this precise way... he is dead to me.

I will help any of my brothers kill their abuser too. If you so choose to ask for help.
 
I have directed my rage inward at my 8 year old self so there hasn't been much room for anger toward my abuser. I have flashes of anger toward him but they dissipate quickly and I am left hating myself.

Tonight I have been marveling about the reality of what happened. He got a few minutes of pleasure and I got a life time of shame and self rage. For his few fucking minutes of pleasure my life was ruined.
 
I am currently in between. I have every right to hate the person who destroyed my life. And I know that is okay to feel but the question of family comes to mind. Since that person is blood direct family, I begin to feel that it is not okay, family is family, right? At least that is what some of my family members would say. But that anger, that pain, that hate does not subside. Especially when I am reminded in my daily life of all of the things that I missed out on and of all of the things that I will never be able to truly experience because of what they did to me.

But having started therapy and that long journey to healing, I have found that it is okay to feel those emotions. I have every right to feel that way but I try to be careful not to let it consume me. It is a constant bumpy road but I am getting through it.

I wish you the best on your journey of healing.
 
Osccorona050 said:
I have every right to feel that way but I try to be careful not to let it consume me. It is a constant bumpy road but I am getting through it.
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Yes don't let the hate consume you. I have enough reasons to hate some of my abusers, I tried to hate them and it just seem to effect me not them. So Now I have choose to forgive myself and I have found some forgiveness for abusers enough so that the hate does not consume me. Hate seems too cause more grief for me.
 
C.E. Mark Twain put it best for me: Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. We were violets because that simply what we were - even if we wish we were dog sh*t on those heels instead.

Very well put.
I once had to write a piece on what happened to me. I wrote it as prose.
I was a beautiful plant that provided shade and shelter for weary travelers, and animals. In its heart bloomed the sweet blossom of incense (innocence). A beast name Rrrrr came along and attacked the plant. It destroyed the plant tearing it apart, and taking the beautiful blossom of incense. The beast left.
Deep in the root of the plant was a tiny spark of life. Time passed. When it was safe, the plant began to grow again. Years passed by, and it provided shade and shelter but the beautiful blossom of incense never bloomed again.

I hated him for so long. I may still feel anger but I refuse to give up what happiness I may have left to him. I refuse to stop living just because some scum floated up from the depths of depravity and attacked me.

..
 
Not only did I hate my abuser, I wanted to kill her. Even more than wanting to kill her, I wanted to kill her family in front of her, in order to destroy everything she loved.

I think I had to go through that. But eventually the huge amount of energy I had to expend to hold onto that level of hatred just got to be too much. I rarely think about her anymore - she makes very little difference to me. Not NO difference, because if I found out she was dead I believe I would celebrate. But I don't expend any energy on her anymore.
 
Hate towards those who abused has been one of my biggest struggles. They were also family and so good in so many other ways. For me i had convinced myself since i can hate them then i am this bad person like i must have enjoyed it to much and that makes me no better than them. I have been working to let go of the need to hate. Between here and seeing a T i am starting to het there. It’s ok to be angry at them and the things that were inappropriate but its still ok to love them for normal caring things. My situation was no where near as bad as so many others here or as it could have been. I have admitted to my T recently i think it would have been easier to deal with the issue of hate if i would have been beating, had bones broken and stuff. I know thats terrible to say. But to love and the desire to hate them is a struggle.
 
smc1972 said:
Between here and seeing a T i am starting to het there
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Hi smc

Since I have met you here at MS I can see a lot of improvement in you for the hard work you are doing there is a pay off. You seem to have your feet more firmly underneath you. Proud of you for the progress you are making.
 
Esterio said:
Hi smc

Since I have met you here at MS I can see a lot of improvement in you for the hard work you are doing there is a pay off. You seem to have your feet more firmly underneath you. Proud of you for the progress you are making.
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That really means a lot to me. I struggle in seeing it in me and its hard for me to be complimented. I am working on it. thank you
 
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