Understanding it isn't about you

Understanding that in order to move forward and heal if possible we all must have a safe place to bring to light our inner turmoil, the pain that bites our soul, the shame that makes us hide.

Words are just tools used to explore the feelings we deal with inside every day and as we have noticed words are really limited for describing that internal struggle. When some post in any of the threads or in chat it is a brave thing to do, they are letting you see their internal turmoil and doing the best they can to bring it to light for their own sake and yes at times just to be told someone understands or is dealing with the same thing.

When I post, I post from a place of this is what is going on with me, this is how my struggle is at this time, this is what is or isn't working for me and I just need to know I'm not alone in my pain.

I never post with the intent to change anyone's view, discount another point of view or to target anyone. I hope that by posting my internal struggle and triumphs it might help as my reading others post help me so much. Let's honor each others story and be there to hold space so they can do their work because that is the most important aspect of this brotherhood.

We all have issues that could be triggered at any time, let's look at ourselves first without giving more meaning to a person's post than was intended. Let's reach out via private message for clarification.

I myself believe we need to defend this place as a safe place to share. No one should stay silent for fear of someone else's reactions, we had been silent too long for other people's needs.

Always start your statement with Possible Triggers either on forums or Chat. In chat give people a chance to leave before you start but don't stay silent if you need to speak.

We don't all have to agree, but we should never re-victimize someone for sharing their personal struggle.

One of the best skills to have is to learn to give another struggling person the grace to express.

You have all helped me with your sharing, it is a powerful healing tool for me. Thank you
 
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Tedure

Registrant
We don't all have to agree, but we should never re-victimize someone for sharing their personal struggle.
I really like your comments and your attitude!!
 
Amen to that @F.A. !

Thanks for the post!

Had my T appt yesterday. It was mainly about how to handle this advocacy I’ve embarked on. Well, not the specifics of the advocacy, but how I can deal with my reactions. Because life’s been quite intense now for a few weeks.

The point I’m trying to make with that is, she stressed again and again how important it is to be heard. The survivor needs to heard, to be able to give voice to the pain, the horror (not necessarily the details), the struggles. Giving voice to those things releases the junk that’s trapped inside, like cleaning an infected wound full of pus.

And like you said, for me too, just being able to say “this is what’s going on with me” and to hear, even just once, something reassuring whether it be a “I struggle with that too”, “I’m here for you”, “you’re not alone in this”, “here’s a hug”, or anything similar... it means a lot.

So I say a big thank you too!
 
Amen to that @F.A. !

The point I’m trying to make with that is, she stressed again and again how important it is to be heard. The survivor needs to heard, to be able to give voice to the pain, the horror (not necessarily the details), the struggles. Giving voice to those things releases the junk that’s trapped inside, like cleaning an infected wound full of pus.

And like you said, for me too, just being able to say “this is what’s going on with me” and to hear, even just once, something reassuring whether it be an “I struggle with that too”, “I’m here for you”, “you’re not alone in this”, “here’s a hug”, or anything similar... it means a lot.
Yes @DavidM-LT this is the message I think that gets lost and people get offended or triggered.
 
This is a great post @F.A., means a lot that you shared this, a lot of heart here.

Thank you,
Gistin

P.S. Should be pinned permanently for all to read.
 

SubtleStuff

Registrant
Hi F.A.
We don't all have to agree, but we should never re-victimize someone for sharing their personal struggle.
Yes! Absolutely!
Cheers,
Garth
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
A forum, by its very definition, is a place for exchanging ideas. Being respectful of one another is important, but offering an alternative opinion is not the same as "re-victimizing" someone. Support comes in many forms, not just agreeing with each other.
 

Shyshark

Registrant
F.A. ...

This a masterful piece of work.
It's concise and to the point without being preachy ... it's not an easy topic to handle with diplomacy ...
and you did a great job.
Congratulations on an excellent post.

((( F.A. )))
 
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I haven't seen this before. Beautifully said F.A. These are definitely words to live by for folks spending time on this website. Yes, it is worth protecting because it is a rare and wonderful place for survivors to share their experience. We really need each other to heal. It is quite a beautiful thing...
 
We all have issues that could be triggered at any time, let's look at ourselves first without giving more meaning to a person's post than was intended. Let's reach out via private message for clarification.

I myself believe we need to defend this place as a safe place to share. No one should stay silent for fear of someone else's reactions, we had been silent too long for other people's needs.

Always start your statement with Possible Triggers either on forums or Chat. In chat give people a chance to leave before you start but don't stay silent if you need to speak.
This is an excellent post. I feel somewhat lost as I am truly unaware of what might constitute "possible triggers" for another. I am not always sure that I always understand what triggers me. I think I have been "triggered" more in real life than by reading things in this forum. (I have not yet participated in "chat" on this site). Sometimes I think how could that other person be so insensitive, uncaring, cruel to say whatever it is they said and sometimes that person might be my wife (but not so much anymore because I have learned to get clarification more often than I used to - I used to think things that were not accurate) - but oftentimes I will tell my wife about something that was said to me or happened to me that really "triggered" me (made me angry/upset) and often times she will tell me that she takes it another way, a way that had no ill intent... and sometimes I can see that but often times I cannot - so, I guess, I still have a ways to go on this "journey" of healing???

Also, I have been silent about so much for so long for fear of someone else's reactions (in real life).... I am not so sure I have done that on here as I have been open and honest thus far and have tried to be concsious of how what I say might impact others but, again, I really do not know how it might or will impact members here as I don't truly know anyone on here except by what I read about them... so, if I have ever triggered anyone, please know it was not intended and I am sorry.

I know that on my 3rd visit to my new lady therapist just a week ago, I was brought to the edge of despair by things she said, and I told her that I was upset and on the verge of tears and I got the impression that she did not care - despite that fact that my first two visits with her were very helpful. I cannot see her again because of this. and maybe her words had no ill intent but I still feel she doesn't get it - or she doesn't get me - and that she should have known better - maybe none of that is fair to her... She was covered by my insurance whereas the male therapist I have been seing since March is not covered by insurance - I will keep going to him for now and I am hoping that I am nearing the end of my need to see a therapist...
 
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A forum, by its very definition, is a place for exchanging ideas. Being respectful of one another is important, but offering an alternative opinion is not the same as "re-victimizing" someone. Support comes in many forms, not just agreeing with each other.
Some people don't yet know the "alternative opinion" and "re-victimizing" someone. As long there is no victim-blaming then it is not re-victimizing. The sad thing just on the 12th of August I saw victim-blaming when someone shared in chat.
 
This is an excellent post. I feel somewhat lost as I am truly unaware of what might constitute "possible triggers" for another. I am not always sure that I always understand what triggers me.
This is most of us on here, my rule has been to post *trigger* even in chat even if it isn't for some.
 
InTheory - General Chat may be triggeering at a TW is advisable when needed. If you feel triggered, go to the Treehouse. If you want to talk deep and know it will be triggering, go to Survivor Chat (but you can let the General Chat know of your plans so folks can choose to join you there)
 
I myself believe we need to defend this place as a safe place to share. No one should stay silent for fear of someone else's reactions, we had been silent too long for other people's needs.

Always start your statement with Possible Triggers either on forums or Chat. In chat give people a chance to leave before you start but don't stay silent if you need to speak.

We don't all have to agree, but we should never re-victimize someone for sharing their personal struggle.

One of the best skills to have is to learn to give another struggling person the grace to express.
These are wise words. I have been posting on this forum for a short time and have recieved some words of comfort and hope but mostly of comraderie and a diminishment of the feeling that I am the only one to have been raped and used when I was a little boy - some, but not all, of my story is told in my various posts. And sometimes I read harrowing words about someone else's experience and am moved to the point that I want to offer them some hope, some solace - and sometimes my posts about trauma or offering of consolation are unexpectedly flatly rejected - and I am frankly perplexed and don't know really how to respond. In order to be a lifeguard, you have to be trained and strong - or else the person trying to rescue the drowning person may drown along with the one he is trying to save.... some of those posting in these forums are perhaps so wounded that they lash out at those trying to help - the problem is I don't know how to identify them until after they have lashed out.... same with those who say something I posted triggered them as if it is my fault they were triggered - so now, with your advice I write the word *Triggers* in every post. I have been so shocked by some negativity that I have considered deleting all my posts and leaving this group but have not yet done so.
 
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