zOmBiEs ...***WARNING: Triggers (and zombies)***
..............Zombies
You were the big boy I picked as my big brother
.......And you picked me, too. 'cuz let's face it - who wouldn't?
We had the kind of love that we were supposed to have
.......Not kissy and stuff - you know just love
You aren't even supposed to say the word love. It's love but it's not, because
.......it's really just catching frogs and talking about girls
..............and playing 5-3-1 hoops
It's riding bikes in the mud and rafting down the creek like Tom and Huck - like we used to do.
.......It's rocking the boat and we all fall in with our clothes on
..............and then swim after turtles
It's doing stupid things like cannonballing next to old ladies who sit and dangle their legs
.......in the pool with rubber flowers in their caps
You were my big brother and I loved you but I didn't LOVE you - I mean you know that. Right?
.......But then the zombie crept in and screwed you up so bad.
He started to live in you and your eyes got milky and dead
.......You were in there but I couldn't find you and you wanted things you wouldn't want
..............so I knew it had to be a zombie
It was like I talked to you but I wasn't sure if you were answering
.......Or that stupid zombie.
The zombie made me do it but I swear I didn't want to - but he said you really needed it
.......I would do anything for you but suddenly I was doing stuff for the zombie
..............He was tricky
He pleaded, so I finally said okay. Everything had to come off. God I'm such a jerk. Face down. Face hell. Stop tensing.
.......I felt the zombie on me in me knowing me like a hand in a puppet I'm embarrassed and nothing felt right he hurt me! and the whisper in my ear
......................................................................was not yours
He smelled like your acne scrub - so I thought you were near but I couldn't see you with me facing hell and all
.......So I talked deeply - past him, to you. I thought you might hear me and stop him...
..........................................................................But you didn't
So I did what I had to do. Every stupid thing he wanted. Everything I COULD EVERYTHING I COULD I could die i could just die i could... i.... i....
.......He got so lost in me that i got lost in him and where are you anyways?
Were you watching us? Didn't you know what he was doing to me? Why you didn't stop him? didn't you hear me cry?
.......i couldn't say no so that meant yes so i surrendered and became a zombie, too.
My body danced with his and told him lies. i died right there in his hands did you feel me die?
.......zombies don't love, they just fuse. it isn't love. it's just yes.
The last thing i saw as i floated away from us forever was two zombies.
.......i looked down and i swear to God they looked just like us
But i wasn't there. Those were just naked, empty zombies. and you never found me again.
.......i was a million miles away
..............on mars
...............................alone
.......................................forgetting you
.
.......................................................forgetting me
_________________________________
You were the big boy I picked as my big brother
.......And you picked me, too. 'cuz let's face it - who wouldn't?
We had the kind of love that we were supposed to have
.......Not kissy and stuff - you know just love
You aren't even supposed to say the word love. It's love but it's not, because
.......it's really just catching frogs and talking about girls
..............and playing 5-3-1 hoops
It's riding bikes in the mud and rafting down the creek like Tom and Huck - like we used to do.
.......It's rocking the boat and we all fall in with our clothes on
..............and then swim after turtles
It's doing stupid things like cannonballing next to old ladies who sit and dangle their legs
.......in the pool with rubber flowers in their caps
You were my big brother and I loved you but I didn't LOVE you - I mean you know that. Right?
.......But then the zombie crept in and screwed you up so bad.
He started to live in you and your eyes got milky and dead
.......You were in there but I couldn't find you and you wanted things you wouldn't want
..............so I knew it had to be a zombie
It was like I talked to you but I wasn't sure if you were answering
.......Or that stupid zombie.
The zombie made me do it but I swear I didn't want to - but he said you really needed it
.......I would do anything for you but suddenly I was doing stuff for the zombie
..............He was tricky
He pleaded, so I finally said okay. Everything had to come off. God I'm such a jerk. Face down. Face hell. Stop tensing.
.......I felt the zombie on me in me knowing me like a hand in a puppet I'm embarrassed and nothing felt right he hurt me! and the whisper in my ear
......................................................................was not yours
He smelled like your acne scrub - so I thought you were near but I couldn't see you with me facing hell and all
.......So I talked deeply - past him, to you. I thought you might hear me and stop him...
..........................................................................But you didn't
So I did what I had to do. Every stupid thing he wanted. Everything I COULD EVERYTHING I COULD I could die i could just die i could... i.... i....
.......He got so lost in me that i got lost in him and where are you anyways?
Were you watching us? Didn't you know what he was doing to me? Why you didn't stop him? didn't you hear me cry?
.......i couldn't say no so that meant yes so i surrendered and became a zombie, too.
My body danced with his and told him lies. i died right there in his hands did you feel me die?
.......zombies don't love, they just fuse. it isn't love. it's just yes.
The last thing i saw as i floated away from us forever was two zombies.
.......i looked down and i swear to God they looked just like us
But i wasn't there. Those were just naked, empty zombies. and you never found me again.
.......i was a million miles away
..............on mars
...............................alone
.......................................forgetting you
.
.......................................................forgetting me
_________________________________
I struggled with whether I should add this spoiler. It's such a personal piece and the meanings a reader distills from it - even if unintended by me as the writer - can be equally personal. The smaller part of any art is in how it is crafted; it is much more about how it is seen. But this is not an art site. It is a healing site. And so I thought it appropriate to write what follows - especially for those who may be struggling with what this piece is about.
I channeled my inner kid for this piece. My molester died two weeks ago. I went to his funeral. The funny thing about funerals is that people always find the nicest darned things to say. In his case, all those nice things that were said spoke of a person I had forgotten about - a person I once fell in love with like a big brother. That equation changed when he was about 15 and I was 12 - when the zombie took over.
It hit me at the funeral that the ashes in the box in front of us marked his second death. Zombies addresses his first. The adult I am spoke to it differently in Eulogy. Both are saying the same thing, I suppose. Eulogy came first. I needed to share my own words with him, and so I wrote a silent eulogy and folded it in my shirt pocket next to my heart during the service. After the funeral, this just welled up out of me from nowhere. Its intensity speaks to some deeper truths - among them the realization that at the tender age of 12, I was essentially mourning that "first death." I suppose there was no way I would have the perspective to understand what was also dying in me - my childhood, my innocence (whatever that is), my ability to trust, and ultimately the trust relationships I sure could have used growing up. What I did know at twelve were only what my five senses and my heart told me. And so this is a raw, frank and rather explicit piece.
Not to get academic, but there are a few themes worth mentioning...
Love. This piece at its essence deals with a child struggling to find the meaning of love. The definition may have proven elusive, but towards the end that child can at least say what he knows love is not. Love is not in acceding. It is not in a yes because there was no option for a no. The theme is also found in the simple decision that one makes to believe in the power of love - even when he cannot fully define it. It was a decision that secured me as his victim, I suppose. But it also defined me as being his opposite. And to me, survival has not been about getting in touch with my anger. It has been about staying close to my heart.
Good vs. Evil. I talk about my abuser as essentially possessed. That is precisely how I saw it at the time. After the funeral, that really hit me all over again when his family spoke of a person I forgot about - a person who was once the greatest guy in the world. Where did he go? Some may read this and wonder why I didn't run from him. But the kid I was believed with all his heart in goodness - that our better natures can prevail over darker spirits. I guess I was a true child of Disney. But the struggle between hope and darkness ends tragically.
Separation. The piece is full of separations. The molester separates from the better person he is. The child separates from his own body - and ultimately from the friendship he worked so hard to save. Everything separates. And the irony is that even the sexual connection was just another separation, which actually defines the paradox of molestion. It amputates us from others, from the world around us, from our potentials, from joy and openness, and so many times from ourselves. We end up with an adulthood of broken pieces built upon a broken foundation. It is at its essence a experience of endless separations. But there is one thing that never separated. The last word of this piece - and the last word in my survival - is that when all else was lost, I was alone with the one thing that mattered most.
I channeled my inner kid for this piece. My molester died two weeks ago. I went to his funeral. The funny thing about funerals is that people always find the nicest darned things to say. In his case, all those nice things that were said spoke of a person I had forgotten about - a person I once fell in love with like a big brother. That equation changed when he was about 15 and I was 12 - when the zombie took over.
It hit me at the funeral that the ashes in the box in front of us marked his second death. Zombies addresses his first. The adult I am spoke to it differently in Eulogy. Both are saying the same thing, I suppose. Eulogy came first. I needed to share my own words with him, and so I wrote a silent eulogy and folded it in my shirt pocket next to my heart during the service. After the funeral, this just welled up out of me from nowhere. Its intensity speaks to some deeper truths - among them the realization that at the tender age of 12, I was essentially mourning that "first death." I suppose there was no way I would have the perspective to understand what was also dying in me - my childhood, my innocence (whatever that is), my ability to trust, and ultimately the trust relationships I sure could have used growing up. What I did know at twelve were only what my five senses and my heart told me. And so this is a raw, frank and rather explicit piece.
Not to get academic, but there are a few themes worth mentioning...
Love. This piece at its essence deals with a child struggling to find the meaning of love. The definition may have proven elusive, but towards the end that child can at least say what he knows love is not. Love is not in acceding. It is not in a yes because there was no option for a no. The theme is also found in the simple decision that one makes to believe in the power of love - even when he cannot fully define it. It was a decision that secured me as his victim, I suppose. But it also defined me as being his opposite. And to me, survival has not been about getting in touch with my anger. It has been about staying close to my heart.
Good vs. Evil. I talk about my abuser as essentially possessed. That is precisely how I saw it at the time. After the funeral, that really hit me all over again when his family spoke of a person I forgot about - a person who was once the greatest guy in the world. Where did he go? Some may read this and wonder why I didn't run from him. But the kid I was believed with all his heart in goodness - that our better natures can prevail over darker spirits. I guess I was a true child of Disney. But the struggle between hope and darkness ends tragically.
Separation. The piece is full of separations. The molester separates from the better person he is. The child separates from his own body - and ultimately from the friendship he worked so hard to save. Everything separates. And the irony is that even the sexual connection was just another separation, which actually defines the paradox of molestion. It amputates us from others, from the world around us, from our potentials, from joy and openness, and so many times from ourselves. We end up with an adulthood of broken pieces built upon a broken foundation. It is at its essence a experience of endless separations. But there is one thing that never separated. The last word of this piece - and the last word in my survival - is that when all else was lost, I was alone with the one thing that mattered most.