Hard to find reliable psych care
I was a frequent poster here about a decade ago, I went through a crisis and worked it out and life was so much better. Now I feel like I am back at square 1, but I'm older and life has more to manage and the world overall is so so so much worse, it is harder to even try to feel better and harder to believe it will work.
I have been in an extreme anxiety / panic spiral for a full month now. In a few regards things are getting less bad - I have regained my appetite and stopped the sudden dramatic weight loss, regained my libido too. My old therapist from years ago, God bless her, came out of retirement to work with me again in phone sessions, and she is truly helpful, I always feel better after our talks.
But my heart will not stop racing, meaning my sleep is terribly disrupted and I am worried I am at higher risk for a heart attack.
But anything involving medication? Shit outta luck. Current situation is NOTHING like it used to be. My old psychiatrist is unreachable. My insurance company sends me lists of people who are mostly telehealth nurses. I made an appointment with one and then her HR robot emailed me saying "Thanks for scheduling an appointment! BTW this nurse does not prescribe--" and then a long long long list of everything that had ever worked for me. So I ditched that person and then picked the next one who was available soonest. I have spoken to that 2nd choice telehealth nurse a few times, she seems well-intentioned but this is not a professional medical interaction.... she doesn't really know anything about my health.... she recommended several anxiety meds that are actually blood pressure meds, without knowing my blood pressure or medical history. She put me on Remeron, Hydroxazine, and Propranolol. The very first night on Remeron it worked perfectly - it never worked again in any way, none of the others ever worked in any way, I took one dose of Propranalol and it actually seemed to make my heartbeat harder and faster so I didn't take a 2nd. I am not actually taking any of these. I have low BP but high heart rate and I don't think a telehealth nurse is the right person to deal with that.... BTW she is largely unresponsive to the messages I send on the portal.... the fucking PORTAL... it was only 10 years ago that my insurance company got me an actual psychiatrist who I met in person THE NEXT DAY and who got me a scrip for stuff that worked THAT EVENING.... oh no God forbid I was on benzos for a few years.... now nobody will prescribe them... supposedly I'm better off with repurposed antihistamines? and repurposed blood pressure medicines? This is the best the medical system can do?
The heart and sleep issues are making me deeply scared and I feel totally cut off from trustworthy medical care. I think the only place I can go is to my cardiologist, and who knows how long that will take. But I should tell her I have this problem, that I was prescribed Propranolol but the first low dose attempt seemed to make it worse, then see what she says. What makes things even more complicated is that I have a definite and proven history of faking / hypochondrac-ing symptoms, I can't always rely on myself to "know" what is "real". Do I go to the cardiologist, who at least I already know? Do I devote the time necessary to finding someone new in the system? I don't know what to do and just thinking about picking one particular choice sends me further up the panic spiral, it's a self-reinforcing self-sustaining problem. I need it to GO AWAY, please God just let it go away, let me sleep, let me not feel like my heart is exploding. I KNOW FOR AN ABSOLUTE FACT this is caused by anxiety / panic and not anything acutely medical.... if I can reason my way through the anxiety, why won't it stop???????????????? If my appetite and libido came back why won't sleep come back?????????????????????
My God I can't believe how tattered my mind has become. Stresses and shocks built up and got worse and worse and then there was a PLUNGE. How the Hell am I supposed to get better from this, when I'm older and have more responsibilities and everything in the world being worse makes it so hard to calm down? I'm nearly 47 and I want to cry to my mother to write me a note to get out of ever doing my job and then just lie down in bed and sleep for 2 weeks, if I could ever ever ever sleep again.
I have been in an extreme anxiety / panic spiral for a full month now. In a few regards things are getting less bad - I have regained my appetite and stopped the sudden dramatic weight loss, regained my libido too. My old therapist from years ago, God bless her, came out of retirement to work with me again in phone sessions, and she is truly helpful, I always feel better after our talks.
But my heart will not stop racing, meaning my sleep is terribly disrupted and I am worried I am at higher risk for a heart attack.
But anything involving medication? Shit outta luck. Current situation is NOTHING like it used to be. My old psychiatrist is unreachable. My insurance company sends me lists of people who are mostly telehealth nurses. I made an appointment with one and then her HR robot emailed me saying "Thanks for scheduling an appointment! BTW this nurse does not prescribe--" and then a long long long list of everything that had ever worked for me. So I ditched that person and then picked the next one who was available soonest. I have spoken to that 2nd choice telehealth nurse a few times, she seems well-intentioned but this is not a professional medical interaction.... she doesn't really know anything about my health.... she recommended several anxiety meds that are actually blood pressure meds, without knowing my blood pressure or medical history. She put me on Remeron, Hydroxazine, and Propranolol. The very first night on Remeron it worked perfectly - it never worked again in any way, none of the others ever worked in any way, I took one dose of Propranalol and it actually seemed to make my heartbeat harder and faster so I didn't take a 2nd. I am not actually taking any of these. I have low BP but high heart rate and I don't think a telehealth nurse is the right person to deal with that.... BTW she is largely unresponsive to the messages I send on the portal.... the fucking PORTAL... it was only 10 years ago that my insurance company got me an actual psychiatrist who I met in person THE NEXT DAY and who got me a scrip for stuff that worked THAT EVENING.... oh no God forbid I was on benzos for a few years.... now nobody will prescribe them... supposedly I'm better off with repurposed antihistamines? and repurposed blood pressure medicines? This is the best the medical system can do?
The heart and sleep issues are making me deeply scared and I feel totally cut off from trustworthy medical care. I think the only place I can go is to my cardiologist, and who knows how long that will take. But I should tell her I have this problem, that I was prescribed Propranolol but the first low dose attempt seemed to make it worse, then see what she says. What makes things even more complicated is that I have a definite and proven history of faking / hypochondrac-ing symptoms, I can't always rely on myself to "know" what is "real". Do I go to the cardiologist, who at least I already know? Do I devote the time necessary to finding someone new in the system? I don't know what to do and just thinking about picking one particular choice sends me further up the panic spiral, it's a self-reinforcing self-sustaining problem. I need it to GO AWAY, please God just let it go away, let me sleep, let me not feel like my heart is exploding. I KNOW FOR AN ABSOLUTE FACT this is caused by anxiety / panic and not anything acutely medical.... if I can reason my way through the anxiety, why won't it stop???????????????? If my appetite and libido came back why won't sleep come back?????????????????????
My God I can't believe how tattered my mind has become. Stresses and shocks built up and got worse and worse and then there was a PLUNGE. How the Hell am I supposed to get better from this, when I'm older and have more responsibilities and everything in the world being worse makes it so hard to calm down? I'm nearly 47 and I want to cry to my mother to write me a note to get out of ever doing my job and then just lie down in bed and sleep for 2 weeks, if I could ever ever ever sleep again.
