Update on me

[smc1972]

If my in put is of on help, p*sing you off, just say and I will stop.

No it doesn’t bother me. I helps me, just hearing support from others does help me. May seem silly but just getting a reply is a major factor in me not just giving in. I guess I just need to know someone cares.

It sounds like the deal on the condo either needs to be renegotiated or terminated due to the owner not being up front with you about the special assessment.

I told my relator yesterday I am out. Supposed to sign the addendum terminating it today to sign.

TheNewMason said, you can freak out for a while and then regroup and deal with the immediate issues. Things will work out. Just don't give up.

I am trying to regroup. I am just struggling with being so emotional. I can be sort of be neutral then a thought or a comment will just take back to crying wanting to just get in bed then i start to be at things in my head. I have been telling myself since yesterday afternoon that I just need to work the problem. I have a little such as looking for places but i will eventually start feeling defeated again.

 

[Silly]

@smc1972 I have no words of wisdom or answers to help you, but if you don't mind, I will sit silently beside you (in spirit) in hopes that you can feel that you are cared about and that you do matter.

Persistent unapologetic resilience.

 

[Jack1]

How to reframe a negative thought mindset.

 

[smc1972]

@Silly What does keep me going truly feel is support that I get from here and a few friends. Just being told “I am thinking of you and care” is so meaningful to me. So I am fully grateful for your word and the words form other here. I di no think i can convey jut how much it sustains me at times.

@Jack1 thank you for the link. I know it i something I need to really work on.

 

[LittleSteve]

Yes SMC, I am thinking about you. In fact I shared your dilemma with the condo with my husband and we talked about it. So yeah, you have been on my mind quite a bit what you’re going through really difficult and I don’t have any words of wisdom or anything. but just know there are people that are thinking about you. I’ll send some good vibes your way sometimes it seems like just when we get into a good spot. The universe just piles more shit in front of us and we got another shit pile to climb. I don’t know if this helps but here’s how I approach life.

I am five years old, I’m standing at the top of this big gently sloping hill that just seems to run on forever and it’s all fresh green grass, and I inhale deeply and can smell all the fresh cut grass. And the sun is shining and it’s a beautiful warm day. I’m just wearing shorts and I can feel the sun on my chest in my face and it’s not too hot. It’s just right. An off the distance down on the side of the hill I can see beautiful huge green trees. And I’m wearing brand new tennis shoes, cause everybody knows you can run faster and jump higher when you have brand new shoes. And I put my arms out to the side, and I feel the sun and they let out a scream of joy and I run down the hill at life. Nothing stops me. Nothing even slows me down because I have my new shoes on and I run at life full speed, and I take whatever comes. And I know I can conquer whatever comes, because of what I’ve been through. My past shows me what I have endured and because of that, I know nothing could stop me.

If you look back at everything that you’ve been through, you’re still standing, you’re still going forward. You may be bloody, and bruised, but you’re still here, you’ve made it through so much you can make it through this.

 

[Pheonix1994]

@smc1972
Sorry for what you are going through. You been going through so much lately. It's OK to vent out everything. That's what we're for to listen and understand. Go ahead and let it all out. Scream yell punch a pillow like I do sometimes. It does the body good. You may feel like you're down and out, but by reading all your posts, you'll get right back up and keep fighting. We may not be there in-person but you have all you're brother's here on MS.

 

[Steve E.]

SMC, you and I may not know each other well, but I want you to know that I think many of the things you’ve said in this and previous threads are among the bravest and most honest comments I’ve ever seen on this forum. I am in awe of the hard work you’ve done with your T and the progress you’ve achieved. I wish I could give you a big hug and alleviate some of the distress you are feeling now. You are an inspiration to me. I firmly believe you will survive and continue to heal. - Steve

 

[smc1972]

@LittleSteve @Pheonix1994 @Steve E.

i wanted to let you know that I appreciate the messages. I know there is a lot of support for me here and outside of here. I am not good at seeing the things in me others see. Just tonight i had my best friend telling me how much so many people care about me and see an amazing kind loving person. What did i do, cry.

things you’ve said in this and previous threads are among the bravest and most honest comments I’ve ever seen on this forum.

I do not see that in them but like i said above i struggle to see what others see in me. I get it is me just cant seem to let myself say or admit such things about myself. I see a lot of it as the persona i put on and have most my like. Even here people have made comments on things i say that they may have been impactful to them, or it was good on how i phrase something. I think it is still the persona because i do not have my life together and i cant even really do some of the things i may say for others. Even in chat there are a lot of times i come across more in control of my like that i have stuff together. When in reality a lot of times I am the opposite but that is not something i want others to see. But then there are the other times where I expose how i am really feeling or doing. Just cant do the persona. Please understand that i do appreciate the positive comments. Just have to get myself to accept them.

So just newest update, condo purchase is still creating drama and stress. Now they the selling agent said they are going to sue me after saying prior that they are willing to do what it takes to get me back to the table to close. I am like fine lets do this however it messes me up from putting an offer in on another place. All the while my clocking is still ticking away. I had my best friend tonight plead with me to listen to my T and others and not go to the house later this week when they start packing my ex. Telling me my life is not worth loosing on stuff. The reason there is all this concern is not just some past incidents but really on the fact he keeps asking about my life insurance and him still listed as the beneficiary and the will. Or how he does not want me to have certain things. Because when something happens to me he would want it back no let my future partner/husband to have it. So on 4 occasions he says things based on my death. It is very messed up to make such comments. It is disturbing. So now i am debating on what to do. I will have a friend with me when i go there later this week. Well if i go which i am ill 75% sure i will go.. I just plan to limit the time to maybe an hour.

So still trying to pick myself up while still feeling i am being kicked.

 

[LittleSteve]

Well, one he’s either trying to intimidate you or #2 he’s really thinking about it. Either way I would make sure you go with somebody else. Don’t go by yourself. Don’t be alone with him. There are too many people out there today doing crazy things and. Luck I spent five years as an EMT at 12 as a cop my husband was a cop too both deputies. Don’t take any risk smc i’ve seen too many people get into a bad situation and it ain’t worth it. So do what you need you to protect yourself and you know I hate to say this, but it’s just stuff you’re way more valuable than some stuff and I know we kinda get attached to our things, but look at what you survived you’re what’s important not the stuff. It sounds like there’s a definite power struggle going on between you too, and I worry about you. Stay safe take someone with you. Don’t be alone with him.

 

[Steve E.]

. . . Don’t take any risk smc i’ve seen too many people get into a bad situation and it ain’t worth it. So do what you need you to protect yourself and you know I hate to say this, but it’s just stuff you’re way more valuable than some stuff and I know we kinda get attached to our things, but look at what you survived you’re what’s important not the stuff. . . .

Wise words. I think this is probably the most important thing for you to understand right now, SMC.

 

[GaD3!]

As far as suing you, well it may sound threatening, but baseless. As others have said be wise in dealing with him. I would not trust him. If you have not done so make a couple of phone calls and get him off of your insurance and out of your will. To even say such things and now saying such things 4 times is bizarre. He has shown mental instability in the past so again be cautious. Those who feel threatened can be ruthless. Things will work out- as the old saying goes- When it rains it pours. at the moment you are stuck in a rain forest. You can and will get through this. Never give up and never give in! Take care.

 

[smc1972]

Don’t take any risk smc i’ve seen too many people get into a bad situation and it ain’t worth it. So do what you need you to protect yourself and you know I hate to say this, but it’s just stuff you’re way more valuable than some stuff and I know we kinda get attached to our things, but look at what you survived you’re what’s important

Have had those things said to me by my T, other friends that are cops and friends. Last night my best frined who is flying out to be with me next week, pleaded with me to not to the house at all. To the point he said he would give me the money for anything taking or damaged because him and his partner cares that much and they have the means to make such an offer. I would never accept there money but that was how much he cares. It is hard for me to hear all the supportive things everyone has been telling me. Just have always pushed through without ever lettering others know or help me.

I know all of the concerns everyone has is because they truly care about me. Just still not i guess comfortable with it. I still find myself feeling bad about causing others to worry or be concerned. I have always been the type to say i am good or nothing is wrong when asked. I know i have to change my thinking on a long list of things. Trying to stay on track.

I had typed this in the morning but never posted it.

 

[smc1972]

Things will work out- as the old saying goes- When it rains it pours. at the moment you are stuck in a rain forest. You can and will get through this

Rainforest try a hurricane lol.

I am feeling better because i did fill out a lease on apartment that will be available in time for me to move into. I was telling this to my friend tonight about the places i looked at and the one i decided on. He said he can hear it in my voice that i seem like stuff was lifted off me. He is the same one that went and met with my T. He is going with me to the house tomorrow.

As my post above that i forgot to post says i had a long conversation with one of my best friends. I am only going to the tomorrow morning with my friend for maybe 30-45 minutes. I am not going to stay and right thinking about not going back again until he leaves on Saturday. I know it is going to bother him and he will be pissed. But I am realizing its not that important.

Condo drama is still playing out so that bothers me even though everyone is telling me I was 100% in the right and should have disclosed it. Seller still has not signed the addendum on me terminating the contract. We are hoping to see it tomorrow. That will take some more weight off of me.

So trying to get through the rest of the week without getting overly stressed and depressed.

 

[GaD3!]

Rainforest try a hurricane lol.

I am feeling better because i did fill out a lease on apartment that will be available in time for me to move into. I was telling this to my friend tonight about the places i looked at and the one i decided on. He said he can hear it in my voice that i seem like stuff was lifted off me. He is the same one that went and met with my T. He is going with me to the house tomorrow.

As my post above that i forgot to post says i had a long conversation with one of my best friends. I am only going to the tomorrow morning with my friend for maybe 30-45 minutes. I am not going to stay and right thinking about not going back again until he leaves on Saturday. I know it is going to bother him and he will be pissed. But I am realizing its not that important.

Condo drama is still playing out so that bothers me even though everyone is telling me I was 100% in the right and should have disclosed it. Seller still has not signed the addendum on me terminating the contract. We are hoping to see it tomorrow. That will take some more weight off of me.

So trying to get through the rest of the week without getting overly stressed and depressed.

Thank you for sharing the updates with us. Good to hear that you found an apartment and hopefully the seller stops playing games and get the addendum signed. Wise choice about not seeing him again.

Many of us have always just pushed through and not let others know of our struggles so what you state make much sense. It is easier to give than to receive. Easier to be there for others than to be the one receiving the concern and help.

Please take good care.

 

[Blessedcurse]

That is a lot of losses and no safe space in life. No wonder you have strong feelings. It is good that you can vent here!

 

[smc1972]

Well my ex and the dog left Saturday to start the drive to SD. I saw him last on Wednesday and that was only brief and I was emotionless in front of him. I think my T and others were thinking the best for me and my safety in not seeing him one more time. I know he said things thing that were unsettling in regards to my life insurance. However I believe in my hart that was more about his fear of should something happened to me in the next month or two and he had not gotten himself established. So I listened to her and stayed in a hotel just in case he tried to stop by the camper.

I was checking the camera in the garage to see if he had left which he did I sometime around 2:30. When I turned on the camera and saw it was empty I just felt sick and started to sob and still crying. I knew it would hurt but I think i had figured since I have been upset about this for a ll this time and cried so many times that it would not hit me like it did. Found myself last night telling God to watch over him and I am a POS. Having to then tell myself over over that i am not and I will be fine and he will to.

On Friday her and my friend telling me i need to stay away and be someplace I won’t have to worry about him showing up at the camper. I was getting so beating down and pissed. He was like come hang out with me and his family Friday evening. I just sat there being so defeated so when she asked me what I was thinking and the idea of going to my friends. I told her that I feel just hollow, worthless and I started getting mad and siad I just want to be left alone. I want to go sit in the dark alone like I did as a kid. Just want everyone to leave me alone and no I am not going to his house.

She was saying how her concern is now is not so much him physically doing something but more of hm hitting my buttons work to trigger me. Because I have not reacted as he has expected he is trying different things. That her real concern was that he knows I am depressed knows I have had suicidal thoughts. She said she was worried he will get to me and I will be pushed over the edge. I said you know what happens happens. If he physically did something or mentally to push me. It is what it is. I have seen myself in the coffin more than once. Her and my friend were saying how I have al these people supporting you. My best friend begging me not to go back to the house before he leaves so what about all of them. I just laughed said well I saw them at the funeral. Trying to make light of it i guess I do not know.

Without a doubt this has been the worst 7 months in my life. Even being abused I am not sure it was as bad. I mean I know it was because look how much it fucked me up and my life. Maybe I would not be in this situation if the abuse never happened. But as an adult yeah this is the worst time in my life. I still feel everything has crumbled and I will never get things back together. I will be seen as this damaged person especially with work. Supposed to be back at least one or twice a week and I cant even mange a full day.

At some point I have to tell my family about me ending things with him. Do not even know how to explain that without sharing things. Hey I ended the 25.5 year relationship oh been off work for 4 months because I cant handle things mentally, sold the house, looking to be in a lawsuit over the place i was going to buy. Yeah I am broke just like a kid broke but no one cared. So maybe my family wont say anything but I know some will. The stupid thing is I see my mom being so upset. My family rally loved Justin but they do not know all the behind the scenes things that have occured over the years especially recently. That is not something I will tell them.

I wish I was not this constant downer and bother to everyone. I am sure there are some here are just tired of hearing me and my constant depression and sadness, I know I sure the fuck am. Sadness has been a big part of my entire life. So much of how i feel is me as a child, me sitting in the back corner of a dark closet. Not even really knowing then why I was doing that, why I always felt better in a confined area. Yeah I know now because it was to me a way to feel safe and escape. That is exactly what I am looking for now.

 

[LittleSteve]

Thank you for the update, I was worried about you. No, at least I’m not tired of hearing you and no your depression and sadness are not a downer. I think your amazing and incredible brave with what you’re going through. I also think you’re right this is probably the most difficult thing that anyone could do. You are doing it, and you can do it.

Here’s how I know. You survived what happened to you when you were abused and you made it. Yes it does fuck us up, but you survived, you can survive this as well. Please take care of yourself as best you can. If you need someone to listen I’m here.

 

[Sossity]

You will put this back together, it will take time and won’t be easy at times, but you will and you will be better and stronger for it. It is hard right now whilst you feel like you have dismantled so much, it’s like striping an engine down you get to a point where you thing oh sh*t what have I started, or at least I do. But you just have to keep going and in time you will have it back together.

You will need to manage your depression, the safety net and first aid kit that will help you ride the waves it creates. I created a mental health first aid box and I did something everyday form it, that I enjoyed when I was well something positive and that makes me smile. Walking, exercise, drawing, baking, whatever. To day I made banana bread for my grandson Slowly you
will get easier , even if now if feel like one step forward and two steps backwards.

Don’t worry about people judging you, as you say they do not understand and as such their judgement has no value, idiots judgement, wise men seek to understanding, surround yourself with people who want to understand. After all you are doing what you know is right for you and your future. Have confidence in that.

If work is your anchor then what can you do work wise? As you get through the housing issues and start to decide who the new you is and what he does. If work is one of your stressors what new less stressful job could you do right now, can you step down the career ladder for a bit, until you are ready to rebuild?

Keep looking forward my friend you are doing great and you are making progress in building the new you. You are not a downer or bother you are just process some really heavy Sh*t and doing your best, and we are walking with you out of choice, loving kindness and shared respect and empathy. We all walk the same paths here, just in different places.

 

[CarbonTiger]

I have been thinking about writting this for a week or two because of the support I had here. I was going to go and reread some of my post from a few months ago and then write the update. I mentioned this to my T on Friday and she asked that I not go back and reread them, at least not right now. Her concern was it would put in a bad place before the retreat this week. Also concerned it would make the time when my partner moves out even harder for me. He suggestion is to wait until things have settled, he is moved and I am no longer living in the camper. So I am following her advice.

I can say this however. I am truly at a better place mentally right now than I was. I do not think i truly realized how bad I was. I know i was bad but i guess no realizing it it was worse and I said things that were not good. I have always battled depression and dark thoughts on life. It was so just me like was just natural in my thoughts at times.

I can say though have not had them anywhere near like before and it is nice. It is odd how I had mentioned here and told my T a month or so ago how I felt like I have lost my emotions that I just do not feel right. It was losing those thoughts and feeling about myself. Those things had become so engrained in me. My T had told me early on she said it will feel uncomfortable as I change because it is not something I will know. Those feelings going away and being replaced with better will be foreign to me. Never thought it really would but it has happened.

I do like how I feel right now. I have enjoyed being in the chat rooms when it is just general causal chit chat. I have laughed and smiled at times. Might seem a silly thing to say but to me it is this different feeling. Yeah I would smile and laugh before but never felt like it has lately.

I was about to say “I am sorry for being so down in groups before”. But I know better than that to just say that. I feel I do not need to apologize. I feel everyone here truly cared and cares about me and provided support out of compassion. I know I am not the only one to be in those down moods and we all try work to support each other.

I was chatting with the president of the company i am with and letting him know what I do not think I can return at the beginning of September. My leave runs out then. Him and his family are truly great friends. He was supportive on me needing more time like I knew he would but hate to need more. He told me I need to work on getting myself betters and “get rid of the demons” and how it will get better and be better in the end. I did tell him how I have and I am getting there and opend up to how dark I had gotten.

I hope I never get to that place again and I am telling myself I wont. I have support I know what I need to do, i just need to not loose focus. This is truly life changing for me in that I am having to change my life my way of thinking and all that. Harder than I thought it would be but it is well worth it. Still have rough water ahead with the separation, moving and turning back to working on my abuse. But it will be calmer waters after things are complete.

So I guess what I am saying is that, I am in a better place than I was and appreciate everyone support.

I'm actually crying rn on our drive home...

It's happy tears for you and sad tears for me and little one, and your little child. Tears that need to be released eventually. Emotional pain that needs to be felt, acknowledged and processed some day...
One day SMC, one day we will be free of our pain. The dark thoughts we have battled over and over again, will be gone. We will not feel the pain of our trauma and we will be happy like children should.

I'm so proud of you. There is hope for all of us. I struggle to speak up or speak for myself even, I always have. But, maybe I can write words of encouragements for others and help heal myself in the mean time.

I love you guys with all of my heart (and unfortunately my trauma, my grief and my pain).

.//>*CT[•~

 

[smc1972]

You survived what happened to you when you were abused and you made it. Yes it does fuck us up, but you survived, you can survive this as wel

Yeah I keep being told this and I will tell myself that at times. Last night my friend who is in town was telling me the same thing , again. He asked me why I do not see that in myself. I told him I am not comfortable with praise. It was hard for him to understand how i can be like that. It is hard to explain. But I have to remind myself it will get better in time.

I created a mental health first aid box and I did something everyday form it, that I enjoyed when I was well something positive and that makes me smile. Walking, exercise, drawing, baking, whatever.

This is sometimes I am going to work on, just to check one thing off a day even. You and others have told me I need to do that so I can see accomplishments.

I need to change a lot in my life in articulation how i view myself and my self-judgements.

Hi

It's happy tears for you and sad tears for me and little one, and your little child. Tears that need to be released eventually. Emotional pain that needs to be felt, acknowledged and processed some day...
One day SMC, one day we will be free of our pain. The dark thoughts we

I am not sure what to say. That is very kind of you to say to me. I have never been one that was comfortable with others compassion towards me. I am getting better but still causes me some uncomfortableness. The whole not worth nor wanting any attention on me.

I hope one day to reach that place in life of happiness and joy. I know it will not be overnight but just not sure I will. I do tell myself when i think that i wont get there, that I will in time.

The support here on MS and from my friends has been a blessing.