The trauma of not being believed

[smc1972]

(((Blessed curse))) you are more than welcome and you are deserving.

 

[Blessedcurse]

(((Blessed curse))) you are more than welcome and you are deserving.

 

[little_boy_lost]

I know what its like to not be believed to some extent. I never went to the police about my abuse. But as an adult, I told everyone in my family. My mom's side was somewhat supportive. But my dad wasn't. He still doesn't believe me. He said "I don't see how that's possible", "We both had jobs". I told him it happened late at night and he still didn't believe me because he's "a light sleeper". My mom believed me but made it about her. (Why didn't you tell me?). I actually did tell my mom as a child when I was 9. But she was so drunk at the time she doesn't remember. So that's why I stayed silent until I was an adult.

 

[Blessedcurse]

I know what its like to not be believed to some extent. I never went to the police about my abuse. But as an adult, I told everyone in my family. My mom's side was somewhat supportive. But my dad wasn't. He still doesn't believe me. He said "I don't see how that's possible", "We both had jobs". I told him it happened late at night and he still didn't believe me because he's "a light sleeper". My mom believed me but made it about her. (Why didn't you tell me?). I actually did tell my mom as a child when I was 9. But she was so drunk at the time she doesn't remember. So that's why I stayed silent until I was an adult.

This is so painful, and how they don't understand how damaging it is. As if what happened to us is some kind of open discussion where everybodys idea has equal worth.

 

[perseverare]

On Wednesday I was telling my siblings about my fear of drugs and being poisoned because years ago I found bits of Ativan in my thanksgiving leftovers that our mother had given me. I ended up on the floor that night sweating, defecating, vomiting, and convulsing.
I fear she tried to kill me, maybe she wanted me catatonic as long as possible.

"Were you having a hard time?
Maybe she was trying to help you.
She used to crush medication up for her Alzheimer's patient."

They will listen to me but are ambivalent about what I tell them.
I wont live in denial anymore.

 

[Curiouspaints]

When I was young I tried to tell. I even reported the main abuser to the police. I learned very quickly that the truth will never be believed and that the less I told the better. No details, nothing about any other abusers, nothing about the organized trafficking and absolutely not about the weird stuff, the secret society. All those things would lead to instant label of fantasising.

So I told the parts that had a chance to be believed and a chance to make a change. Since I knew who he was. The others I couldn't name anyway. I told the police and they closed the investigation because of lack of proof. I don't even think they questioned the abuser. They questioned me for hours and I did feel heard and taken seriously but then got a mail home that they had no reason to believe that a crime has been commited. Just like that, no explanations.

And I told some relatives because of younger cousins that were in danger. Nobody believed me. One of my brothers and one cousin said first that they believed me but they didn't want to take sides or make trouble. Later they both said they didn't believe me and blamed me for having burdened them with the information. All other relatives said I was mentally ill and hallucinating or lying. All of them.

Friends I tried to tell went right to problem solving without even knowing what had happened. Except my partner at the time.

I am just sitting now with this trauma, these waves of hope and attempts to reach out and these waves of rejection. Of not being believed. Somebody wrote a thread about what abusers said. I need to write a thread about what people I tried to tell about the abuse said. It needs to get out of my head, because as i sit with it I also see that I have other people in my life now, but because of this trauma I don't even give them a chance to believe me. I didn't even tell my therapist most of the fucked up stuff because I was afraid she wouldn't believe me. Their denial have had huge consequenses. It has damaged my ability to trust.

So here is the list, It is from family, friends, health professionals, authorities:

How do you know it really happened?
Are you sure it wasn't a dream?
Maybe you just imagined it?
Are you sure he meant it that way?
Are you sure you didn't just misinterpret something?
Do you have any proof?
But he is married and a good friend/uncle/brother
But I know him, I know for a fact he did not do it
Why are you doing this to us?
It was so long ago how can you even remember
It was so long ago how can you hold a grudge
Why didn't you tell me sooner
You know this is a very sensitive thing to talk about, it can have grave consequences, it is better to be careful
Do you have a diagnosis (because then you can not be believed)
Does he have a diagnosis (because then he can not be blamed)
If he really did this he is sick and needs help
Did you ever think about how we would feel about hearing this?
You know he is your father so he loves you
No matter what happened it is in the past and now is now
You need to forgive and forget
Life is too short to have conflicts
You are crazy
You are mentally ill
You are destroying the family
I won't listen until you calm down
You speak about it in a cold way, it doesn't sound believable
Many children imagine abuse because they want attention, maybe that is what is going on
Are you angry about (whatever else they can think of)
Do you really want to destroy his life?
Think about his reputation
We don't use those kinds of words here
So you claim that you slept together with your father when you were a child (no I did not sleep with him, he raped me and an adult cant sleep with a child, no double meaning about what the "sleeping" consists of in my language)
Do you miss him?
Did you enjoy it?
Who initiated it?
You should be locked up and medicated
Family is always most important. You need to reconcile
You only have one father
Did your therapist put this in your head?
Did your partner put you up to this?
Isn't that a myth that it can happen?
Why did you not tell anyone when it happened?
It can't have happened because it is illegal
You would have been taken out of the home if it was true
Why didn't you scream and say no (well I did but it only made it worse and I learned not to, why the fuck do you assume I didn't)
Why did you never even try to tell anyone (I did try but nobody believes me now, not you either, you think you would listen better to a child? I tried! Nobody wanted to know)


This is all many years ago. I stopped talking about it. I stopped asking for help. I had better people in my life and only gave a little information to the ones I trusted. I was damaged forever by these responses.

Something I have realised when reading other posts here is that I also have become overly paranoid. I take things as not believing when it might be said for other reasons. Once in therapy my therapist asked me if I had enjoyed some of the abuse sexually. I didn't and I took her question as an accusation that maybe I wanted it because I was a dirty child. Of COURSE that was not what she meant. I now realise she was trying to open up for that feeling to and the damaging aspect of it which so many of you are talking about. Because of this fear I didn't tell her a lot of things.

I don't give people a chance to believe me anymore.

If you want to add your experiences to the list please do.

Was just journaling about this topic today and it floored me there was never a time in my life on this planet where I didn't attempt to ask for help.

 

[farfromhome]

I was really grateful recently, because when I told my older brother about what our dad did to me, he just said "I don't have any recollection of this happening to me, but I believe you 100%." And when I discussed some of the incidents and what led up to them, he confirmed some of the surrounding context (like, we were watching X movie and then our dad got mad at me and took me into another room to punish me, which took the form of him beating and molesting me).

At some point I have to tell my mom and I don't know if she'll believe me. She was also very physically and emotionally abusive, but some of the things my dad did were so extreme that she actually intervened and stopped him (for all his faults my dad loves my mom and never abused or aggressed her). The challenge I think I always faced was that she would never discuss any of the physical abuse and would get defensive and vindictive about it, and given that reaction you can imagine why I'd never dare tell her about the sexual abuse.

I'm so sorry you weren't believed. I know how much it feels like it's being engineered to make you doubt yourself, feel crazy, and question your own memories. It's like another mechanism of control over us.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

What I remember is that adults were trying to force me to talk about being assaulted before I felt ready and that made me stay quiet even more because they didn’t make me feel safe or comfortable or tell me that it was okay if I wasn’t ready to talk about the trauma yet. I would immediately try to change the subject because I wasn’t able to discuss what was happening to me yet. Those same adults then treated me like I was the problem and that I was being over dramatic over some sort of “prank” and I was treated like I was too stupid to know a good touch from a bad touch. The therapist at the time told my family that I shouldn’t try out for the wrestling team after I said that I was interested in it because I might “over react to being grabbed again.” I knew that being grabbed was part of the sport and that there was a major difference between that and what was happening to me but I was patronized and treated like I’m too stupid to know that not all touches to the body are bad. Other reasons I was refusing to talk about it were internalized self blame and thoughts that I did something to deserve it and if I told anyone that they would definitely say it was something I deserved to happen, guilt and shame for letting myself become a victim, and I had developed this belief that the more I denied it ever happening to me and repress all memories of the assaults then it would one day magical disappear and become true that none of it had ever happened. Making sure I felt safe and being told my rights as a victim is the first mistake adults made when it came to me become a victim of sexual assault. The second is barely punishing the kid who did this to me and separating us immediately to prevent any future assaults. By the time they did anything to help me, it was too late and I couldn’t trust anyone in that class other than the teacher and I refused to even turn around out of pure fear.