The trauma of not being believed

[Blessedcurse]

When I was young I tried to tell. I even reported the main abuser to the police. I learned very quickly that the truth will never be believed and that the less I told the better. No details, nothing about any other abusers, nothing about the organized trafficking and absolutely not about the weird stuff, the secret society. All those things would lead to instant label of fantasising.

So I told the parts that had a chance to be believed and a chance to make a change. Since I knew who he was. The others I couldn't name anyway. I told the police and they closed the investigation because of lack of proof. I don't even think they questioned the abuser. They questioned me for hours and I did feel heard and taken seriously but then got a mail home that they had no reason to believe that a crime has been commited. Just like that, no explanations.

And I told some relatives because of younger cousins that were in danger. Nobody believed me. One of my brothers and one cousin said first that they believed me but they didn't want to take sides or make trouble. Later they both said they didn't believe me and blamed me for having burdened them with the information. All other relatives said I was mentally ill and hallucinating or lying. All of them.

Friends I tried to tell went right to problem solving without even knowing what had happened. Except my partner at the time.

I am just sitting now with this trauma, these waves of hope and attempts to reach out and these waves of rejection. Of not being believed. Somebody wrote a thread about what abusers said. I need to write a thread about what people I tried to tell about the abuse said. It needs to get out of my head, because as i sit with it I also see that I have other people in my life now, but because of this trauma I don't even give them a chance to believe me. I didn't even tell my therapist most of the fucked up stuff because I was afraid she wouldn't believe me. Their denial have had huge consequenses. It has damaged my ability to trust.

So here is the list, It is from family, friends, health professionals, authorities:

How do you know it really happened?
Are you sure it wasn't a dream?
Maybe you just imagined it?
Are you sure he meant it that way?
Are you sure you didn't just misinterpret something?
Do you have any proof?
But he is married and a good friend/uncle/brother
But I know him, I know for a fact he did not do it
Why are you doing this to us?
It was so long ago how can you even remember
It was so long ago how can you hold a grudge
Why didn't you tell me sooner
You know this is a very sensitive thing to talk about, it can have grave consequences, it is better to be careful
Do you have a diagnosis (because then you can not be believed)
Does he have a diagnosis (because then he can not be blamed)
If he really did this he is sick and needs help
Did you ever think about how we would feel about hearing this?
You know he is your father so he loves you
No matter what happened it is in the past and now is now
You need to forgive and forget
Life is too short to have conflicts
You are crazy
You are mentally ill
You are destroying the family
I won't listen until you calm down
You speak about it in a cold way, it doesn't sound believable
Many children imagine abuse because they want attention, maybe that is what is going on
Are you angry about (whatever else they can think of)
Do you really want to destroy his life?
Think about his reputation
We don't use those kinds of words here
So you claim that you slept together with your father when you were a child (no I did not sleep with him, he raped me and an adult cant sleep with a child, no double meaning about what the "sleeping" consists of in my language)
Do you miss him?
Did you enjoy it?
Who initiated it?
You should be locked up and medicated
Family is always most important. You need to reconcile
You only have one father
Did your therapist put this in your head?
Did your partner put you up to this?
Isn't that a myth that it can happen?
Why did you not tell anyone when it happened?
It can't have happened because it is illegal
You would have been taken out of the home if it was true
Why didn't you scream and say no (well I did but it only made it worse and I learned not to, why the fuck do you assume I didn't)
Why did you never even try to tell anyone (I did try but nobody believes me now, not you either, you think you would listen better to a child? I tried! Nobody wanted to know)


This is all many years ago. I stopped talking about it. I stopped asking for help. I had better people in my life and only gave a little information to the ones I trusted. I was damaged forever by these responses.

Something I have realised when reading other posts here is that I also have become overly paranoid. I take things as not believing when it might be said for other reasons. Once in therapy my therapist asked me if I had enjoyed some of the abuse sexually. I didn't and I took her question as an accusation that maybe I wanted it because I was a dirty child. Of COURSE that was not what she meant. I now realise she was trying to open up for that feeling to and the damaging aspect of it which so many of you are talking about. Because of this fear I didn't tell her a lot of things.

I don't give people a chance to believe me anymore.

If you want to add your experiences to the list please do.

 

[smc1972]

@Blessedcurse it is unfortunate you were not believed. I just wanted to say that even though they did not believe you. It took a huge amount of courage on your part something i never had.

As to the list of things said to i can only relate to the ones i have said to myself for ever. Trying to tell myself not it could not have happened, it was not that bad so get over it, i must be crazy, mentally ill, i will destroy the family, move on it in the past those yeah not said to me by anyone. But i have said them to myself thousands upon thousands of times.

 

[Toad]

I believe you.
I believe every word about what happened to you.

I have been wanting to say this for a while but I have been in hiding mode and haven't been able to bring myself to post.


It is evident that some people believe humans are Apex Predators.
And as an Apex Predator it is right and naturel for the strong to prey on the weak.
They believe survival of the fittest makes this good for the overall human population.
They believe empathy is a weakness, Ruthlessness is to be cultivated.
In their world, strength and weakness are the only good and bad.
They can energize their Apex Predator spirit by abusing whoever they have the power to abuse.
They may speak nice words and say the right thing to keep the sheep unaware.
But if you look for it, this thinking is everywhere among the Global Elite.
They are in power because they have ruthlessly fought their way to wealth or position.

Here are two examples that build a case for why people should believe you and others when you say you were abused by the powerful and that they protect each other.

1. Epstein. A journalist called everyone in Epstein's contact book. The conversations he had are enlightening.
Here is the link https://www.motherjones.com/politic...eryone-in-jeffrey-epsteins-little-black-book/
He abused children on a Ranch in New Mexico, on an Island he owned and in his Manhatten Apartment. Many powerful people we constantly with him. When he was arrested there were many DVD's in a safe with names written on them that have disappeared.
The night he died both guards fell asleep on duty and all three cameras happened to break that night.
Rich and powerful abusing children.
But the children aren't believed.
I believe you.

-Trigger Warning-
2. Josh Dugger the Reality TV star was arrested for watching CSEM. One news report said he was watching a copy of some of the worst CSEM known and it had a link to a news article from Australia. .

I won't link an article to this one. I don't have the strength to read it all again so I may not have all the details exactly right.

This CSEM cost $10,000 to purchase. It is a series where a toddler is abused and each time the abuse gets more extreme and at the end they were to be abused to death. It was being live streamed around the globe. The police were doing everything they could to figure out where this was happening to save the child.

It was being streamed from the Philippines by an Australian man and two women.They were extremely wealthy. They only reason they were caught is because while they were abusing the toddler they had two more children in the basement of the house. They had them digging graves in the dirt floor. One of the children who was a little older managed to escape and went running naked down the street of this rich neighborhood to get help. The police were called and the toddler was saved.
The police found the bodies of other children buried in the basement.
But the man from Australia wasn't worried, he told the police he had very rich and powerful clients all over the globe and he would be out of jail soon.
Then the building that stores all if the police evidence was burnt down and all of the physical evidence against him was lost.
But because he had bragged about his powerful friends the detective had taken pictures of all of the evidence and stored it in a safe location.
This was enough to get the man convicted.

But it is a fact that a large amount of people were paying $10,000 to watch a child be Sexually Abused to death. And that some of these were powerful enough to burn down and police evidence building.

So when you or others say there are rich or famous or powerful people abusing them I don't think it is much of a conspiracy theory.
It is just the world we live in.
Apex Predators hunting in packs.

 

[Dkx35]

Hello.

I think this is the first forum post that so closely resembles what happened to me in every detail and what I'm dealing with now.

If you felt the need to hide details because you feared not being believed due to the gravity of what happened, that reflects society’s failure to provide a supportive and welcoming environment.

Sometimes, it’s easier for society to blame the victim than to actually investigate what’s going on, because that usually requires action.

If they cared and looked into it, and saw that what you were saying was true, they would have to do something about it.

They feel like they have something to lose with that, so they don’t act. Even if what they fear losing is just an illusion.

Imagine a religious person openly saying that the priest molested one of the children in the church and demanding justice. He could be hated by all the members of the congregation and even condemned to ostracism because of it. So he self-protects. He doesn’t want to feel the uncomfortable emotions that others might send his way through actions or words. But he doesn’t care if the victim, a child or teenager who has no structure to deal with this, is the one being practically crucified.

He chooses to keep living the lie, dragging the victim along with him into that illusion. He and all the church members begin to see the victim as an enemy for bringing to light something that could destroy the fragile structure of their internal and external worlds, and they start to view the abuser as the "glue" that might hold their cracking structure together.

It’s easier for society to dehumanize the victim, to permanently label or pathologize them, because it creates distance from the situation, preventing people from feeling connected to it, especially with empathy. If they allowed themselves to feel it, they would begin to see the victim as a human being in pain, and realize they are failing to protect them, even becoming complicit.

When you classify someone into a category, you start to see them through that lens, and everything they do is seen as a reflection of the narrow category they were placed in. One example is the label of "mentally ill", their actions would then be interpreted through that label.

If others around also call them that, more people start to do the same, either to feel included or out of influence, showing that they tend not to question the reality or the impact of their choices. It also helps ease their guilt, if they see everyone else doing it to you, then it must be okay for them to do it too.

Sometimes, that guilt comes from the reason they called you mentally ill in the first place, which in this case was related to you mentioning that you were being abused.

The fact that some people are in denial or rationalizing shows that, on some level, they knew something was wrong. Because you don’t deny something that was never perceived as true to begin with. Coping mechanisms don’t arise from nothing.

However, that doesn’t stop us from acting. Human beings are a combination of factors that go beyond the discomfort we filter in order to cope. Many people take action, even when they have doubts.

They didn’t want to do anything about it because, deep down, perhaps they already knew what awaited them on the other side. And once again, that would have required action from them.

Even if they expressed concern, if they didn’t take steps to protect you, then they didn’t care enough to do so. So their so-called concerns, if they even existed, were very superficial.

Everything these people did was a choice. Even when they chose not to act, that was still a choice. Thinking that inaction is not a choice is the lie they tell themselves to sleep at night.

And since it is a choice, it shows they had the power to do something about it.

People like that choose the easy side, the one that won’t affect them. They prove it in every detail.

Whenever there’s a divide between good and evil, someone benefits from it. When they choose to doubt the victim, or do everything I mentioned and more, they place themselves on the side of the abuser, even if they don’t realize it or deny it.

I call it “easy” because they don’t have to do anything but call you crazy, make you doubt your perception of reality, and thus create more isolation. That benefits the abuser, who then has more power over you and show that he can get away with his actions. These individuals may even receive protection and support from others who perpetuate this system if the victim starts to "rebel".

Eles se beneficiam mesmo que pensem o contrário, mesmo que digam que são neutros e não tomam partido.

What’s truly hard is putting yourself in the victim’s place, gathering evidence, facing a flawed legal system, dealing with the constant social stigma, losing friends for being seen as someone who "destroys reputations and more and more.

The abuser only does what they do because society allows it. Everyone says they would lynch the molester from the news, but when it’s someone they know or care about, everything changes.

If you look closely, you'll see that people who don't take social responsibility, who set aside guilt or empathy, who choose self-preservation over others and take the easiest path, without questioning or investigating, or who are morally questionable, tend to be that way in other areas of their lives as well.

Weak and selfish people.

 

[smb6]

I completely understand the feeling, and I am sorry you went through that.

My family, too, didn’t believe me. It creates so much self doubt you start to question your memories at times. My mother asked me “Well how is your father supposed to heal from this?”

I felt humiliated when I disclosed the abuse only to be met with rebuke. I still struggle to make sense of it all, how one parent could abuse me and the other not believe it. But I am starting to accept it.

I try to remind myself how much courage it takes to speak up, no matter the outcome.

Solidarity @Blessedcurse

 

[RecoveringRicky]

You bring up such a good point because I find that the words/rejection comes to mind more often than the abuse does in some cases. It's like a secondary abuse we sometimes endure.

The irony is that my parents were always very 'if anyone ever touches you, tell us'. Then at 13 when I tried to tell my dad what had just happened, I was met with dismissal and a 'pfft, you were probably leading them on.' I guess my parents needed to be in the mood to hear their son had just been raped?

 

[broncosfann1979]

The family was discussing how terrible it was for my sister and how she needed counseling and so on. I thought it was safe to divulge my infinitely worse story. I said, "He and I had some rough times". I was getting ready to give details. Having relived it so many times, I could give dates/times and places. I was promptly shut down and told to toughen up, man up, shut up. Bad things happen and you get over it.

It is my unscientific theory that they did not want to admit failure when it came to the oldest. Not sure what they could have done honestly. He was a bad apple from the very beginning. His overly manipulative and selfish ways predated that summer. However, he looked the part. He looked and acted like the Lane Frost character on the movie, 8 seconds. Rough and tough cowboy, fearless, could swing a hammer, etc. All things that manly men should aspire to in their opinion. I was the diminutive kid who had always cared more about intellectual pursuits.. world geography, fantasy novels, obscure rock music. I was not up to that standard and so I think that is why they looked the other way.

 

[Silly]

You bring up such a good point because I find that the words/rejection comes to mind more often than the abuse does in some cases. It's like a secondary abuse we sometimes endure.

The irony is that my parents were always very 'if anyone ever touches you, tell us'. Then at 13 when I tried to tell my dad what had just happened, I was met with dismissal and a 'pfft, you were probably leading them on.' I guess my parents needed to be in the mood to hear their son had just been raped?

I got the "I never thought to ask... you were a boy" from my mom after I finally disclosed

 

[Blessedcurse]

It was cathartic to writhe this post. I realize how I see worries of mine as paranoia when actually I have good reason not to trust.

I still feel that the people in my life now believe me and support me because they don't know my parents. If they were put in a position where they had to take a stand they wouldn't. It is unfair of me to assume but it was my experience. Nobody who met my parents believed me.

I went to counseling in early 20s for the abuse and that was where I realised the risk that my father moved on to other kids and that I needed to warn my aunt. Before that I had the emotional idea that I was special and it happened because of me. The counsellor made a plan with me to talk to my aunt together with me, and then changed her mind after the aunt was already invited to the meeting. Then somehow had the meeting but when my aunt asked her "do you believe bc, do you believe this has happened" she answered "well we always believe the person in counselling, that is our policy". I felt so betrayed. Took me years to dare to try therapy again and I did only because the doctor wouldn't give me a sick leave otherwise.

In therapy I never thought she believed me even though she was a really good therapist. She was the silent type and didn't react much, I couldn't read her. I didn't dare to risk finding out that she didn't believe me so I didn't bring it up for years. Then I said something about it and I remember she was surprised. Obviously she had not considered that I would not think she believed me. She said really clearly and quickly "I do believe you" but then added "maybe not the more strange details..." and I immediately said of course, it is all I needed, thank you (because who could ever believe the weird shit, I don't even believe myself now, I wish I never brought it up)

Other things that got in the way of treatment we talked about but never this. We talked about my distrust, how I thought she would just melt if my father came into the room, how she would use a high pitched voice and not question him on anything. Basically accused her of being a weak woman who would be immediately floored by a man in the room. We talked about how I got scared shitless when she asked what a different alter thought about something, because then I thought she was trying to control my alters and take power over who came present which was what had been done to me. But the importance of being believed we never talked about. Now I think it put a cap on how far I could come in the therapy. I had to always dissociate that she probably didn't really believe me.

And so I have sold myself out and denied my reality even for myself to keep my credibility. Even in my own therapy.

When I first tried to make sense of my weird memories I searched the internet. It was 20 years ago. All I found was conspiracy theories written without punctuation. I just felt that I am not like this person. This can not be it. As if it were alien abduction. I can't be that vulnerable. In that I have not only avoided telling others, I have also denied it to myself. Not the events but the importance. Denied myself the possibility to unpack it and question all the things that I was taught.

 

[Blessedcurse]

@Blessedcurse it is unfortunate you were not believed. I just wanted to say that even though they did not believe you. It took a huge amount of courage on your part something i never had.

As to the list of things said to i can only relate to the ones i have said to myself for ever. Trying to tell myself not it could not have happened, it was not that bad so get over it, i must be crazy, mentally ill, i will destroy the family, move on it in the past those yeah not said to me by anyone. But i have said them to myself thousands upon thousands of times.

Thank you for saying this. Yes it did take a lot of courage. Now I think back at the 22 year old I was and feel some kind of warmth. It was brave. It was. I have always cringed at those memories and thought of how I could have handled it better but you were right. Just doing it was an accomplishment. I should thank that young me because if I had not done it I would have had regrets now. Now at least I know I tried.

 

[Blessedcurse]

I believe you.
I believe every word about what happened to you.

I have been wanting to say this for a while but I have been in hiding mode and haven't been able to bring myself to post.


It is evident that some people believe humans are Apex Predators.
And as an Apex Predator it is right and naturel for the strong to prey on the weak.
They believe survival of the fittest makes this good for the overall human population.
They believe empathy is a weakness, Ruthlessness is to be cultivated.
In their world, strength and weakness are the only good and bad.
They can energize their Apex Predator spirit by abusing whoever they have the power to abuse.
They may speak nice words and say the right thing to keep the sheep unaware.
But if you look for it, this thinking is everywhere among the Global Elite.
They are in power because they have ruthlessly fought their way to wealth or position.

Here are two examples that build a case for why people should believe you and others when you say you were abused by the powerful and that they protect each other.

1. Epstein. A journalist called everyone in Epstein's contact book. The conversations he had are enlightening.
Here is the link https://www.motherjones.com/politic...eryone-in-jeffrey-epsteins-little-black-book/
He abused children on a Ranch in New Mexico, on an Island he owned and in his Manhatten Apartment. Many powerful people we constantly with him. When he was arrested there were many DVD's in a safe with names written on them that have disappeared.
The night he died both guards fell asleep on duty and all three cameras happened to break that night.
Rich and powerful abusing children.
But the children aren't believed.
I believe you.

-Trigger Warning-
2. Josh Dugger the Reality TV star was arrested for watching CSEM. One news report said he was watching a copy of some of the worst CSEM known and it had a link to a news article from Australia. .

I won't link an article to this one. I don't have the strength to read it all again so I may not have all the details exactly right.

This CSEM cost $10,000 to purchase. It is a series where a toddler is abused and each time the abuse gets more extreme and at the end they were to be abused to death. It was being live streamed around the globe. The police were doing everything they could to figure out where this was happening to save the child.

It was being streamed from the Philippines by an Australian man and two women.They were extremely wealthy. They only reason they were caught is because while they were abusing the toddler they had two more children in the basement of the house. They had them digging graves in the dirt floor. One of the children who was a little older managed to escape and went running naked down the street of this rich neighborhood to get help. The police were called and the toddler was saved.
The police found the bodies of other children buried in the basement.
But the man from Australia wasn't worried, he told the police he had very rich and powerful clients all over the globe and he would be out of jail soon.
Then the building that stores all if the police evidence was burnt down and all of the physical evidence against him was lost.
But because he had bragged about his powerful friends the detective had taken pictures of all of the evidence and stored it in a safe location.
This was enough to get the man convicted.

But it is a fact that a large amount of people were paying $10,000 to watch a child be Sexually Abused to death. And that some of these were powerful enough to burn down and police evidence building.

So when you or others say there are rich or famous or powerful people abusing them I don't think it is much of a conspiracy theory.
It is just the world we live in.
Apex Predators hunting in packs.

This means so much to me! I will take time and read it and check your links.
You are so right.
It is being handled as if it was stories of alien abduction, but there are SO much evidence of people doing these things.
And it is such a double think. On one hand these stories are everywhere. News, books, investigations. So much information that people do exactly these things. And on the other hand if a person in someones life says something about it they are immediately disbelieved.

Some time ago I read a debate article about something else, and the auther discredited a researcher because this researcher had previously researched ritual abuse from the perspective of how the child victims are affected. No argument, no contradicting research. That was the argument, that since this researcher has previously researched ritual abuse she is obviously untrustworthy. It was such a blow to all of us who had the experience. They don't even need facts or arguments, it is ok to just say it is unbelievable and discrediting and then it is.

Especially this about apex predators and that there are people who really think this way. Yes. It actually does make quite a lot of sense now when I allow myself to se the pieces of the puzzle together.

 

[Blessedcurse]

Hello.

I think this is the first forum post that so closely resembles what happened to me in every detail and what I'm dealing with now.

If you felt the need to hide details because you feared not being believed due to the gravity of what happened, that reflects society’s failure to provide a supportive and welcoming environment.

Sometimes, it’s easier for society to blame the victim than to actually investigate what’s going on, because that usually requires action.

If they cared and looked into it, and saw that what you were saying was true, they would have to do something about it.

They feel like they have something to lose with that, so they don’t act. Even if what they fear losing is just an illusion.

Imagine a religious person openly saying that the priest molested one of the children in the church and demanding justice. He could be hated by all the members of the congregation and even condemned to ostracism because of it. So he self-protects. He doesn’t want to feel the uncomfortable emotions that others might send his way through actions or words. But he doesn’t care if the victim, a child or teenager who has no structure to deal with this, is the one being practically crucified.

He chooses to keep living the lie, dragging the victim along with him into that illusion. He and all the church members begin to see the victim as an enemy for bringing to light something that could destroy the fragile structure of their internal and external worlds, and they start to view the abuser as the "glue" that might hold their cracking structure together.

It’s easier for society to dehumanize the victim, to permanently label or pathologize them, because it creates distance from the situation, preventing people from feeling connected to it, especially with empathy. If they allowed themselves to feel it, they would begin to see the victim as a human being in pain, and realize they are failing to protect them, even becoming complicit.

When you classify someone into a category, you start to see them through that lens, and everything they do is seen as a reflection of the narrow category they were placed in. One example is the label of "mentally ill", their actions would then be interpreted through that label.

If others around also call them that, more people start to do the same, either to feel included or out of influence, showing that they tend not to question the reality or the impact of their choices. It also helps ease their guilt, if they see everyone else doing it to you, then it must be okay for them to do it too.

Sometimes, that guilt comes from the reason they called you mentally ill in the first place, which in this case was related to you mentioning that you were being abused.

The fact that some people are in denial or rationalizing shows that, on some level, they knew something was wrong. Because you don’t deny something that was never perceived as true to begin with. Coping mechanisms don’t arise from nothing.

However, that doesn’t stop us from acting. Human beings are a combination of factors that go beyond the discomfort we filter in order to cope. Many people take action, even when they have doubts.

They didn’t want to do anything about it because, deep down, perhaps they already knew what awaited them on the other side. And once again, that would have required action from them.

Even if they expressed concern, if they didn’t take steps to protect you, then they didn’t care enough to do so. So their so-called concerns, if they even existed, were very superficial.

Everything these people did was a choice. Even when they chose not to act, that was still a choice. Thinking that inaction is not a choice is the lie they tell themselves to sleep at night.

And since it is a choice, it shows they had the power to do something about it.

People like that choose the easy side, the one that won’t affect them. They prove it in every detail.

Whenever there’s a divide between good and evil, someone benefits from it. When they choose to doubt the victim, or do everything I mentioned and more, they place themselves on the side of the abuser, even if they don’t realize it or deny it.

I call it “easy” because they don’t have to do anything but call you crazy, make you doubt your perception of reality, and thus create more isolation. That benefits the abuser, who then has more power over you and show that he can get away with his actions. These individuals may even receive protection and support from others who perpetuate this system if the victim starts to "rebel".

Eles se beneficiam mesmo que pensem o contrário, mesmo que digam que são neutros e não tomam partido.

What’s truly hard is putting yourself in the victim’s place, gathering evidence, facing a flawed legal system, dealing with the constant social stigma, losing friends for being seen as someone who "destroys reputations and more and more.

The abuser only does what they do because society allows it. Everyone says they would lynch the molester from the news, but when it’s someone they know or care about, everything changes.

If you look closely, you'll see that people who don't take social responsibility, who set aside guilt or empathy, who choose self-preservation over others and take the easiest path, without questioning or investigating, or who are morally questionable, tend to be that way in other areas of their lives as well.

Weak and selfish people.

Thank you for writing this. You have a lot of points with this. I think sometimes I protect my belief in humanity by hating myself. If I see myself as worthless I don't have to see how so many people just let it happen.

 

[Blessedcurse]

I completely understand the feeling, and I am sorry you went through that.

My family, too, didn’t believe me. It creates so much self doubt you start to question your memories at times. My mother asked me “Well how is your father supposed to heal from this?”

I felt humiliated when I disclosed the abuse only to be met with rebuke. I still struggle to make sense of it all, how one parent could abuse me and the other not believe it. But I am starting to accept it.

I try to remind myself how much courage it takes to speak up, no matter the outcome.

Solidarity @Blessedcurse

This is so horrible, solidarity! My aunt said "What hurts me most about this is that you never spoke a word of it to your mother when it happened". (I did. She didn't want to know. And my father said lots of things to keep me quiet. And how was that the most important in the situation, and how could she assume she knew I didn't try. Nobody ever asked me how I felt)

 

[Blessedcurse]

You bring up such a good point because I find that the words/rejection comes to mind more often than the abuse does in some cases. It's like a secondary abuse we sometimes endure.

The irony is that my parents were always very 'if anyone ever touches you, tell us'. Then at 13 when I tried to tell my dad what had just happened, I was met with dismissal and a 'pfft, you were probably leading them on.' I guess my parents needed to be in the mood to hear their son had just been raped?

It really is an ongoing trauma, imposed by, well, the world.

And that is such a horrible thing they said to you, it must have made healing a lot harder.

 

[Blessedcurse]

The family was discussing how terrible it was for my sister and how she needed counseling and so on. I thought it was safe to divulge my infinitely worse story. I said, "He and I had some rough times". I was getting ready to give details. Having relived it so many times, I could give dates/times and places. I was promptly shut down and told to toughen up, man up, shut up. Bad things happen and you get over it.

It is my unscientific theory that they did not want to admit failure when it came to the oldest. Not sure what they could have done honestly. He was a bad apple from the very beginning. His overly manipulative and selfish ways predated that summer. However, he looked the part. He looked and acted like the Lane Frost character on the movie, 8 seconds. Rough and tough cowboy, fearless, could swing a hammer, etc. All things that manly men should aspire to in their opinion. I was the diminutive kid who had always cared more about intellectual pursuits.. world geography, fantasy novels, obscure rock music. I was not up to that standard and so I think that is why they looked the other way.

Solidarity! I don't understand how parents can look the other way but it seems sooooo coommon

 

[Blessedcurse]

I got the "I never thought to ask... you were a boy" from my mom after I finally disclosed

 

[broncosfann1979]

Solidarity! I don't understand how parents can look the other way but it seems sooooo coommon

So in short, I know the heartbreak of not being believed. after being shut down, I just tried to forget it. the abuser was gone for the better part of 7 years afterwards.

 

[smc1972]

Just doing it was an accomplishment.

Exactly. One of the things has been having drilled into my head. If you do not to action on what ever it is, if you do not step in to the arena you can never have a chance. But if you step in and stumble get bloody which you will form time to time you are a winner for having the courage to try. This is true for this or someone inventing something. There will be failures but they persevere and then they achieve there goal.

I never have stepped up really in the past and only recently starting to. To have been 22yo and to have done that is so courageous.

I should thank that young me because if I had not done it I would have had regrets now.

Yes thank that 22yo you give him a hug and telling him he was amazing in doing that.

 

[TreeFeller]

When I was in 4th grade I do not know why I did this but I told Ms Sortter my dad was abusing me I did not mention the sexual just the physical. She told me "No, that can't be, your dad is such a nice man." I walked away.

 

[Blessedcurse]

Exactly. One of the things has been having drilled into my head. If you do not to action on what ever it is, if you do not step in to the arena you can never have a chance. But if you step in and stumble get bloody which you will form time to time you are a winner for having the courage to try. This is true for this or someone inventing something. There will be failures but they persevere and then they achieve there goal.

I never have stepped up really in the past and only recently starting to. To have been 22yo and to have done that is so courageous.


Yes thank that 22yo you give him a hug and telling him he was amazing in doing that.

This really got to me. Triggered so strong feelings. Like I felt the trace of what it would feel like have a father who is proud of something brave you did as a young man. I have never felt that. It is a warm feeling. And a big deep lack. I can feel it now, sense it, something I never new I would have needed. Thank you for saying that.