Back after a long break with clues to follow
Narya70
Registrant
I’ve taken a long hiatus from the site. But what I mean is that I logged off and have not posted in several years. It does not mean that I have not been reading. In fact, I made my way through all of the survivor stories. All of them. I reckon I must have read close to 1500 if not more? I felt compelled to do so. And to not log back on until I finished them all.
What was I looking for? I think I wanted to find some shreds of my own abuse story that seemed to be just out of my grasp. I have very clear memories of my abuse at age 5 by a teenage male babysitter. But there are several other instances where the figures are blurry and the details just don’t add up. I was searching for some sort of resonance in the stories of others that might unlock these seemingly bolted doors in my memory. I think it might’ve worked. I’m coming back on now to lay out some of these clues with you guys and to see if you think I might be onto something.
I have a memory of a man in my parents’ bedroom. I was probably six or seven. I can remember that he was tall and slender, but well built. He exposed his erect penis to me, and then, for some reason, picked up our cat. The cat scratched him on his penis, which bled onto the comforter on my parent’s bed. Of course, this injury stopped the abuse right there. I remember pointing out the blood stain to my parents at a later time but they didn’t believe me when I explained where it came from. I also remember going back into their bedroom to see the stain to confirm that what had happened was not a dream. I have sought for years to figure out who that man was. He was obviously someone who was babysitting me. My younger brother was not there. My parents were gone, and this man was trusted by them to care for me.
Fast forward to the summer of 2024. I traveled back to the United States and visited my aunt and uncle in South Carolina as my aunt was dying. I spent time with my male cousin during this visit who is seven years, my junior. (Now in his late 40s). He drove me by the house where he grew up. I had absolutely no memory of it at all. I would have been 20 years old when he moved out of this house and surely would have seen it and spent a good deal of time in it. But there was nothing. An absolute blank in my memory that I have never experienced before.
This really troubled me. How could I have forgotten so completely my aunt and uncle‘s house? I would have played with my cousins there. Spent time there. Done overnights there. Nothing. I can only recall their current home.
Then I began to reemeber that this younger male cousin had shown an uncomfortable interest in my penis when we had taken showers together at my grandparent’s lakehouse. There was only one small bathroom in that house and we were encouraged to shower together after swimming in the lake. I remember that he wanted to touch my penis and to try to wash it. I was very shy about this, even as an older boy, and didn’t want him to touch me. I would turn away in the small shower stall to keep some shred of privacy and to block his advances.
I also remembered a game of hide and go seek that we played at my grandparent’s house. This cousin hid with me in the closet and began to try to grope me. I was probably 13 or 14 and he was 6 or 7. I pushed his hand away and told him to stop.
Knowing what I know now about kids that have been sexually abused, I have begun to wonder if my cousin had not experienced abuse himself. I had chalked his interest up to normal child sex play. But it seems like he was very young to be interested in me in this way. As soon as I acknowledged that this was “weird” it led me to begin to wonder about my uncle.
I’ve always felt a sense of closeness to my uncle. Even two summers ago, as his wife lay dying, he took me out on a ride in his truck and we had a wonderful conversation. I felt a deep warmth being with him. Something I never feel with my own father. There was a closeness there that felt very “young.“ as much as my dad’s masculine presence repelled me (weak, cowardly, using violence in his punishments and the crocodile tears afterwards) my uncle’s drew me in. Even in his 80’s, he exudes a kind of golden strength that draws me like a moth to a flame.
I hate to even entertain the thought, but could the man in my memory be my uncle? He would have been in his late 20s or early 30s at the time and physically would fit the bill for the man of my memory. I have no direct memory of the man’s face. I don’t ever recall thinking that this man was my uncle. But the circumstantial evidence is beginning to build up.
I would love to hear your thoughts guys. Am I crazy? Am I on the right track?
What was I looking for? I think I wanted to find some shreds of my own abuse story that seemed to be just out of my grasp. I have very clear memories of my abuse at age 5 by a teenage male babysitter. But there are several other instances where the figures are blurry and the details just don’t add up. I was searching for some sort of resonance in the stories of others that might unlock these seemingly bolted doors in my memory. I think it might’ve worked. I’m coming back on now to lay out some of these clues with you guys and to see if you think I might be onto something.
I have a memory of a man in my parents’ bedroom. I was probably six or seven. I can remember that he was tall and slender, but well built. He exposed his erect penis to me, and then, for some reason, picked up our cat. The cat scratched him on his penis, which bled onto the comforter on my parent’s bed. Of course, this injury stopped the abuse right there. I remember pointing out the blood stain to my parents at a later time but they didn’t believe me when I explained where it came from. I also remember going back into their bedroom to see the stain to confirm that what had happened was not a dream. I have sought for years to figure out who that man was. He was obviously someone who was babysitting me. My younger brother was not there. My parents were gone, and this man was trusted by them to care for me.
Fast forward to the summer of 2024. I traveled back to the United States and visited my aunt and uncle in South Carolina as my aunt was dying. I spent time with my male cousin during this visit who is seven years, my junior. (Now in his late 40s). He drove me by the house where he grew up. I had absolutely no memory of it at all. I would have been 20 years old when he moved out of this house and surely would have seen it and spent a good deal of time in it. But there was nothing. An absolute blank in my memory that I have never experienced before.
This really troubled me. How could I have forgotten so completely my aunt and uncle‘s house? I would have played with my cousins there. Spent time there. Done overnights there. Nothing. I can only recall their current home.
Then I began to reemeber that this younger male cousin had shown an uncomfortable interest in my penis when we had taken showers together at my grandparent’s lakehouse. There was only one small bathroom in that house and we were encouraged to shower together after swimming in the lake. I remember that he wanted to touch my penis and to try to wash it. I was very shy about this, even as an older boy, and didn’t want him to touch me. I would turn away in the small shower stall to keep some shred of privacy and to block his advances.
I also remembered a game of hide and go seek that we played at my grandparent’s house. This cousin hid with me in the closet and began to try to grope me. I was probably 13 or 14 and he was 6 or 7. I pushed his hand away and told him to stop.
Knowing what I know now about kids that have been sexually abused, I have begun to wonder if my cousin had not experienced abuse himself. I had chalked his interest up to normal child sex play. But it seems like he was very young to be interested in me in this way. As soon as I acknowledged that this was “weird” it led me to begin to wonder about my uncle.
I’ve always felt a sense of closeness to my uncle. Even two summers ago, as his wife lay dying, he took me out on a ride in his truck and we had a wonderful conversation. I felt a deep warmth being with him. Something I never feel with my own father. There was a closeness there that felt very “young.“ as much as my dad’s masculine presence repelled me (weak, cowardly, using violence in his punishments and the crocodile tears afterwards) my uncle’s drew me in. Even in his 80’s, he exudes a kind of golden strength that draws me like a moth to a flame.
I hate to even entertain the thought, but could the man in my memory be my uncle? He would have been in his late 20s or early 30s at the time and physically would fit the bill for the man of my memory. I have no direct memory of the man’s face. I don’t ever recall thinking that this man was my uncle. But the circumstantial evidence is beginning to build up.
I would love to hear your thoughts guys. Am I crazy? Am I on the right track?
