All of my CSA

[greenearth]

Here is everything that happened:

At 6 YO in school an older boy (2 years older) told me to go under the table. He proceeded to pull my pants down and put my penis in his mouth. This happened another time in class. The teacher caught us the second time and I'm pretty sure the kid was moved to another class.

At 8 I was playing with my cousin. She was 3 years older than me. While in her room this older kid, he was probably 5 years older than me. Proceeded to molest and take my cousin's clothes off. He knew I was in the room. He would look over at me as he did things to her body. This happened once or twice more. Eventually someone in the family figured out what was happening. Soon after there were no more family parties. They stopped altogether. I remember looking at my cousin's face and she didn't look happy nor in pleasure of this happening. The older kid made me come over once and touch my cousin's butt and he made me smell his finger after touching her.

At 11 years old I saw a male cousin of the same age fondling and touching my sister's private parts. It happened in my dad's van. It was a delivery van which meant that there was a metal dividing wall. This is what gave them privacy in the back. There was a hole in the metal wall that's how I saw this. I remember feeling shocked that he was touching her like this. I watched it to figure exactly what was happening and figured it out fast. I yelled "Hey guys" and he jumped in surprise. I remember feeling like I should've been back there protecting my sister.

Is this all considered CSA and also childhood exploitation. I've been mentally fucked with the stuff that happened to my cousin and sister. Not to mention the first instance.

My wife has long tried to understand why I'm so sexual. I ask for sex over and over again. I touch her in disrespectful ways. I masturbate almost every day. I also have had some porn slips over the years. Usually 1-2 a year. My impulse control is disregulated. I just learned about hypersexuality. It finally gives me peace in understanding myself.

Any one have similar things as adults show up? Like regarding impulse control around sexual stuff?

Thank you everyone.

 

[LittleSteve]

All the things you’re describing as an adult are perfectly normal for someone who went through what you did. Let me say that again it absolutely normal. To use myself as an example I’m hypersexual I would masturbate 4 to 6 times a day for almost all of my life and I’ve actually had sex with better than 2000 men. It’s not uncommon when you’re hypersexual all of these things and how do you become hypersexual exactly the way that happened to you so I also have ADHD, which probably didn’t make it any better because that’s a common part of that as well.

Hypersexuality is one of the most common side effects of what happened to you being sexualized as a child at an early age like that. So the things that you’re feeling the desire to watch porn the desire for constant masturbation the desire for constant sex. All of these things are perfectly normal side effects. How do you deal with them is kinda up to you masturbation of itself is not necessarily a bad thing masturbation where your reliving, your trauma can cement those ideas and make them harder to get rid of and work through in therapy. But masturbation itself is fine. It’s a natural outlet for the body And can help resolve some of the sexual pressure.

If you read it and talk to the guys, it’s not only has anybody. I think it’s almost completely universal. It’s all of us have these troubles and yes, a lot of what you went through is CSA. They’re just starting to recognize that what’s called peer to peer abuse involving children a close age or even a different age can have just a severe problems as an older person and a child. There can be a lot of additional layers, but sexualizing a child early carries with it a lot of negative things throughout their life and it doesn’t seem so much a function of seeing an older person or a younger person. It’s a sexualization and what it does to the brain and how the child copes with it. This is kind of evolving stuff right now. It doesn’t seem to be as cut and dried probably because it’s somewhat under researched at this point. But you’re exhibiting all the classic signs of CSA.

One of the best ways that you can help you help yourself and deal with this is a trauma aware of therapist who specializes or has a specialty in child sexual abuse. Therapy can be extremely beneficial if you get the right therapist and it can make all the difference in the world for you. There’s a bunch of different modalities and different techniques and everything but the main key is getting a therapist who is a specialist in this just like you wouldn’t go out here general practitioner to have surgery. You need to go to a trauma war therapist rather than a general therapist, I take special training to effectively deal with these types of problems.

You can find a lot of information here on the website and it can be a great help on your road to healing.

 

[greenearth]

Yeah I think it all makes sense now. I literally at times have thought something is off for me to not be able to control my urges and my impulse control or lackthereof.

I've been reading about hypersexuality. Yes, nothing wrong with masturbation. I agree. I think I realize now that when my wife says no to sex or I think she's gonna say no I just bypass like slowing down and thinking more about where this like intense energy of needing sex comes from. It's brought up issues in the relationship. But yeah if she says no to sex or anything sexual I just go and masturbate. I think, at least for me, I kinda wish I could slow down more and be more curious of this energy rather than just act on it you know.

I also wish I could do that with my intense advances to her. They definitely create issues between us. She'll ask me to not pull down her pants and I do it. Almost every time we make out I wanna make it sexual and head to the bed.

Understanding how my brain was hijacked in a way, at 6 years old nonetheless, helps me make sense of these parts of myself.

 

[Kintsugi]

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[LittleSteve]

I think this book could really help you. I’ve started it. I haven’t finished the book yet but it’s already been invaluable and I think it can help provide a lot of answers for you. This one I’ve seen recommended over and over again and you can get it on Amazon or any place else and here’s a little clip from the preface

The sexual healing journey

When I decided to write The Sexual Healing Journey, there were no resources that offered sex therapy techniques specifically designed for survivors. People with problems related to incest, rape, and sexual molestation were encouraged to use traditional sex therapy approaches and techniques. These exercises were prescribed and prescripted. They were insensitive to the special needs of people with sexual trauma histories. Many survivors found them unappealing, and in some instances, retraumatizing. As one survivor told me, “They were too much, too soon, and too sexual!” That’s why I began to develop new healing approaches. My techniques teach basic skills first: rudimentary self-awareness, communication, and touching; the need to initiate and control sexual contact; and the need to go slow and build bridges from one experience to another.

 

[LittleSteve]

A bit more from the book

As a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse and sex therapy, I help survivors travel their own sexual healing journeys. One of their common goals is to have a healthy sex life, something each one of us has a right to enjoy. To get there, survivors of sexual abuse have to overcome the damage of the past and to build their own, new models of sexuality based on a sense of choice, renewed self-respect, and a commitment to emotional intimacy. Although each journey is personal, many survivors move through similar territories and challenges as they sexually heal. This book is designed to be your guide in navigating these sometimes turbulent waters. I will present a variety of techniques and exercises to help you evaluate and overcome the effects of past sexual abuse.

 

[LittleSteve]

I think this speaks actually both of you that posted, realizing that these urges hypersexuality and all that were based on what happened to us because we were sexualized at a young age. For myself, mine started at four and my entire sex. Life was a reenactment of everything I experienced during that first couple of years. I didn’t understand that and once I started to learn about this and how it affected me, it changed a lot of things for me because now I understood the reason why I felt these things so it gave me the opportunity to take control of that and not just be reacting to what I felt, and the urges and things that I felt . Without understanding it gets to be my choice of how I feel how I react and how I respond and what I enjoy not the result of what happened to me as a young child.

 

[Kintsugi]

I think this speaks actually both of you that posted, realizing that these urges hypersexuality and all that were based on what happened to us because we were sexualized at a young age. For myself, mine started at four and my entire sex. Life was a reenactment of everything I experienced during that first couple of years. I didn’t understand that and once I started to learn about this and how it affected me, it changed a lot of things for me because now I understood the reason why I felt these things so it gave me the opportunity to take control of that and not just be reacting to what I felt, and the urges and things that I felt . Without understanding it gets to be my choice of how I feel how I react and how I respond and what I enjoy not the result of what happened to me as a young child.

Thank you, LitttleSteve! Just bought it for my Kindle. I appreciate you taking the time to share about this resource.