Trauma of omission and " daddy" issues

[deedeeiny60]

I have posted here some of my traumas that went on while I was a child. I want now to address a different kind of trauma, a trauma of omission.
I call it omission because it refers to my father not protecting me from abuse
My father never actively abused me but he actually was aware of some of the abuse particularly by my brother and aunts.
I resent a lot of him not taking any actions to stop the abuse. That for me is another kind of abuse leading to trauma
Here the trauma is feeling that no one came to defend me.
A father is a figure or should be if protection.
Feeling that absence was very harmful for me. I craved that protection desperately. I lost my father when I was 12. That also was traumatic for me.
At that time I got angry at him for dying and letting me alone.
Then as I have told here before came my uncle. My father was never very affective but my uncle was. He showered me, a loving hunger boy with lots of physical attention. I felt that he was a surrogate daddy for me. He was affectionate but also was grooming me for his sexual interests.
My uncle passed away later but his image was ingrained on my brain. I still crave of men like him. He was both affectionate and controlling g being an alpha male in all. Dominant, controlling g and I was already a submissive docile child. A "perfect" arrangement that led me to become more submissive on my relations. I still crave for dominant men. Also my father always wanted me to call him father so "daddy" became my uncle.
I think both of these situations as a boy are related in my emotions.
The back of a fatherly figure until 13 and then replaced by a sexual abuser.
Abuse because of my age that was too young to decide. Even thought I liked most of the sexual aspects of my relationship with uncle.
Yes I craved for that I was an affection hungry boy. He knew it and used it. But I was never physically abused by him
He was gentle even when he was hurting me with penetration. It became pleasure/pain. I liked it and still does.
Even when married to a woman I craved a " daddy" relationship with men outside marriage.
Yes maybe I have still "daddy" issues...

 

[Georgie]

(())

 

[GaD3!]

I am sorry to hear that your father did not protect you from abuse. You are right, one of a father's roles is to protect his children. I never I can see how no one defending you would be traumatic. No one protected me either, so I know what that is like. I felt rejected by my father at a very early age and I am not sure but I have had the feeling for a long time that he knew his older brother molested me. I hope you are well. Take care.

 

[Easy123]

I think the feeling of abandonment goes through much of our trauma whether we realize it or not. How can it not. Someone was supposed to be watching out for you. Someone was supposed to protect you. Someone was supposed to be there and say stop. But there was no one. Because the people that did the bad stuff were the people that should have been there. And so we’re left to reconcile the confusion on our own. Our older “aware” self recognizes that family members were abusers/facilitators, but our “innocent” younger self still wants to believe they did no harm.

I wrestle with this paradox every day. The best we can do is support each other and remind ourselves “they” were wrong. No matter how gentle they were, they harmed us. How you address that with them is up to you, but internally we can’t allow ourselves to dismiss their harm as anything other than harm.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

He was gentle even when he was hurting me with penetration. It became pleasure/pain.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It is annoyingly confusing though, right? Or do I whine too much? Starting to remember how I felt, physically and emotionally, remembering the pain, and right after the pleasure…. It’s a lot to get that. Although logically I get it. Being that boy for a second, though, is a whole different thing. Could it be that part of that confusion is a feeling lingering around since then?

 

[George]

"Daddy issues" are very real. It's the job of every boy's father to bring him into the fold of masculinity, to build him up with a firm foundation of healthy love, attention & affirmation, so that he has a healthy sense of self as a boy and later a Man. This is a basic need that every boy has, and when a father isn't there, or not there enough, too busy, etc. he is being very negligent in his duty as a father. Mommy can't do it, other part-time males can't do it, other boys really can't do it, in fact by the time that needy boy is out playing with other boys, he's gonna already be pigeon holed by the pecking order and that will only reinforce the feelings of not belonging or measuring up to the others. Predators sure do have a sixth sense for needy boys like this / us who were craving that belonging, attention, affection and affirmation from a father. My own father failed at being a Dad, no surprise... and this a big part of why I'm in this club.

 

[Jack1]

I told my first T that I didn't have daddy issues and didn't want to talk about him. She said that was proof I did have daddy issues and boy did I. An alcoholic father who sexually abused me and pimped me out to pay his gambling debts.

 

[Georgie]

"Daddy issues" are very real. It's the job of every boy's father to bring him into the fold of masculinity, to build him up with a firm foundation of healthy love, attention & affirmation, so that he has a healthy sense of self as a boy and later a Man. This is a basic need that every boy has, and when a father isn't there, or not there enough, too busy, etc. he is being very negligent in his duty as a father. Mommy can't do it, other part-time males can't do it, other boys really can't do it, in fact by the time that needy boy is out playing with other boys, he's gonna already be pigeon holed by the pecking order and that will only reinforce the feelings of not belonging or measuring up to the others. Predators sure do have a sixth sense for needy boys like this / us who were craving that belonging, attention, affection and affirmation from a father. My own father failed at being a Dad, no surprise... and this a big part of why I'm in this club.

Very well said.

 

[raffa_will_fight]

Predators sure do have a sixth sense for needy boys like this / us who were craving that belonging, attention, affection and affirmation from a father. My own father failed at being a Dad, no surprise... and this a big part of why I'm in this club.

And this is the reason for life long anxiety lingering in the background, looking out for those who have that sixth sense. And having finally answers thanks to the memories starting to come back.
In my case it was probably my dad, never around, always working because he needed too. And mom and him doing all of this while griefing the loss of a child.
So yes, their part in that little boy’s behaviours is clear. But those who used that “need” are to blame.

Thank you for sharing George