sharing for the first time about my first time.
bedhead
Registrant
hello. this is my first time writing about my experiences online. the only other people that i have talked about this with are suicide and rape hotlines, but even then i never have been able to speak much about it. besides online interactions with hotlines, i have not told many people in my actual life about this. only my boyfriend vaguely knows i was raped repeatedly as a child by a family friend, but that is the extent of his knowledge. i have not offered much more beyond this, never told him any stories or how i felt about the situation, and that;s for reasons i;m sure you are all familiar with already and may have felt yourself. writing this on here though does feel like it is less stressful, it;s not people who know me and it is people who have gone through the same thing. i am only feeling somewhat nervous about the off chance that someone will somehow recognize my typing style and know this is me, but i recognize the chances of that are not likely. so, i;ll do my best to be open, mostly for my sake. i feel like i need to get this off of my chest.
my abuse happened over a long period of time, from either age 3 or 4.. and ending at age seventeen (three years ago). my earliest memories in life were these experiences.
throughout most of it, i had a main abuser who i;ll call E. E was a family friend.
i;m not so focused on talking about my whole experience with sexual abuse, but i did want to talk about the first time that i was anally raped. it;s something i think about a lot.
i actually had this memory blocked off and didn;t even know of its existence, until it came back to me when i was fourteen. it was the first time i experienced a memory resurface, it was so vivid, i remember shaking and crying during it. looking back at it now, i;m pretty sure that was a PTSD flashback.
but essentially the memory was, when i was raped for the first time. i was ten years old. this was a particularly bad year, my father had died and my mother was always busy with work. as a result, i basically had to live with E. even though i had three sisters, i was really the only one who had to live with him. this was because my older sister was able to just go to a friend;s house all the time and my younger sisters were in this program that watched over younger kids, think around 5 and under.
at first living with E, was not that bad. even though he had been sexually mistreating me since i was three or four, for some reason, i really believed he might have changed. but as weeks passed, he began to get increasingly weirder and weirder with me. around a month or two living with him, it was kissing, touching, and weird comments. it was my fault though because i did do something that may have gave him that internal ‘greenlight’ that it was alright to push it further and that was when i hugged him. i feel stupid saying that now, but he was the only person i had at the time. i wanted love and attention. i missed having a father figure and my mom was absent in my life because she had to throw herself into her work, and since i spent so much time with him and he actually did take care of me and provided for me and spoke to me and was kind to me, i thought it would be okay to be affectionate. but that was my fault, i should have known better especially considering the history we already had together. sometimes i wonder if i had never done that, would he have ever felt comfortable enough to rape me.
but it happened on the morning of halloween. that day, my younger sisters had to come with me to E;s house and that was because the program they were in was not always available. i think maybe since it was halloween that;s why they were not open. that day, we got there around 4 am. i used to not sleep a lot and would be exhausted in the mornings because of it. this is important kinda. but when my younger sisters and i got there, we went to my room, so we could go to sleep. i stayed up though because i was scared of E. i never would really sleep in his house. it felt like he would take advantage of it and do something bad, i didn;t trust him. i always felt like i was walking on eggshells in that house. i stayed up mostly to also make sure that he wouldn;t do anything to my sisters. a part of me strongly felt like he was going to try something because i felt it in my heart that he wanted to do something with them more than he did with me both because they were younger than i was and they were both girls. this terrified me. i didn;t want anything to happen to my younger siblings so i stayed up trying to make sure nothing had. but as the time went by, i ended up falling asleep around 6 or 7 am.
when i woke up, my sisters were gone. there was this instant sinking gut feeling that he was doing something to them. i got up and went straight to his room, and saw that his door was cracked open. i slightly nudged the door open and saw that they were in there with him. E didn;t have his pants on, but he was covering his penis with a pillow. My younger sister (6) was playing on the computer in his room and my baby sister (2) was having her hair played with by him. and E looked up at me with this look, but it wasn;t like surprise or shock of being caught, but a very obviously turned on look. it was so disgusting, i was just like WTF in my head, but froze up cause i had no idea what to do or even say. now looking back at it, it was like he wanted me to go find them because he easily could have had sex with my sisters while i was still sleeping, but it felt like he was waiting and the door was open so, it just makes me feel like maybe it was purposeful.
not knowing what to say or do, i honestly kinda just stood there trying to even process what was happening. but E told me to come in and i listened cause i;m dumb idk man. i just remember feeling that twisting stomach feeling of disgust. then he told me to come closer to him and i did, i got on the bed and sat beside him. then he guided me to straddle him and sit on top of him in front of my sisters. and i remember thinking “THIS IS SO WEIRD” in my head. i didn;t want my sisters to see this and think this was normal or okay at all. they were too young to even know what was happening was wrong.
prior to this, before my sisters were involved, and it was just E being weird with me, i would always tell myself, “next time, i;m going to say no louder. next time, i;m going to push him away harder. i;m never going to let it go any further.” i thought i could stop him from raping me, i thought i would. but honestly, i would never implement this into action. i would tell myself i would be more assertive and every time he touched me or kissed me, i would be as cowardly as i always was; mostly freezing up as a response. at my most assertive, i would very weakly tell him to stop, so quiet to the point where only i really heard it. i would also sometimes push him, but again, it was weak and only i really noticed it.
but having him do this to me in front of my sisters, i wasn;t just filled with that disgust and anxiety that i always felt whenever he was weird. i felt so, so incredibly frustrated at the situation. it felt like i was failing my sisters for allowing them to be in this kinda scenario. E began being weird — kissing me and whispering weird things in my ear while i was still straddling him. even though he was speaking to me, i heard nothing he said, i was mentally checked out. i remember my sisters got closer and were watching what he was doing this to me. E began getting touchy and eventually put his hands into my pants and was jerking me off. This is was the lowest i ever felt as a person, being violated like that in front of my younger sisters. It was humiliating and i wanted to cry, but i didn;t want to cry because then they would know it was wrong. i didn;t want to scare them. all these years later, my sisters have never spoken to me about it and i;m glad about that. they never told my mom or anyone. i don;t even know if they remember it, but i;ll never know because i;m not bringing that up.
even though i was embarrassed, that anger helped me to finally do something. i was scared, but i got away from him, making it known i didn;t want to do that. then i got up and took my sisters out of his room, saying that we had to leave soon, which was true. he looked really upset by this, but i still got them out of there. i remember feeling so much adrenaline doing that just because of how afraid i was LOL. but i got my sisters out of the room and when i was following them out the door, he grabbed me by my wrist and took me back into his room, locking the door behind him. E made me sit on the bed. while i was sitting, i was relieved that i got my sisters out of the room, but then i was realizing “this is how it happens, this is how i get raped” forcing myself to come to terms that this act was going to break me forever. during this mental preparation i was looking at my reflection on a powered off tv screen, i had always thought that i would have fought back to avoid being raped, i never considered that i would let him. E came back to the bed with me. He made me undress continued telling me weird stuff, kissing me, touching me, all of that. I complied well, i thought it was better that he was doing this to me than my younger sisters at least. I did my best to keep quiet, i didn;t want to alert my sisters.
sorry if this is graphic, but when it came to E penetrating me, he positioned me in a way that i have not been able to get out of my head. it;s one of the more persistent memories that come up over and over again. i think it is due to it being my first time and also because in his room, he had a mirror closet, making one of the walls in his room mostly mirror, when we had sex, he forced me to look at myself as it happened to me. while he was doing it, he was sitting upright with his hands wrapped around the back part of my knees, moving me up and down on him. He was facing towards the mirror, so it was right in front of me. Being moved so effortlessly made me feel so powerless and small. in that moment, i knew even if i ever did try to fight back, it would have never been enough. being used like that, made me feel less than human. it;s gross, but i felt like i was being used as easy as some fleshlight or object. the pain was terrible, i was trying not to cry because i didn;t want him to see me cry, but i still did end up crying. i was also just trying to be quiet because again my sisters, i didn;t want them to hear me. i;ve always been confused about something and that;s not enjoying it. i feel like a lot of people at least physically felt good during it even if they did not want it at all, but i just felt so much terror and shock, i could not feel anything resembling pleasure, just the burning sensation of being torn open. i passed out while it was happening because of how painful it had been.
when i woke up, i was dressed up and on the couch in the living room. my body felt sore, i could feel an obvious difference. i felt opened and like my insides were moving around, readjusting almost. he came out of the room, he walked down beside me and smiled at me telling me that i did such a good job and paid me $20. i looked down at the money just feeling so disgusted in myself for what happened, i felt like a whore and this money was just proof of that. being paid made it feel like it made things equal all the sudden cause at least i got my part of the exchange. when i went to school later on, i had trouble sitting or using the restroom. i remember going to see the damage and i didn;t have any underwear on anymore. when i was checking to see though, there was blood.
this was just my first experience with anal rape, it would continue on til i was seventeen with several different men (E ended up trafficking me, then i became a prostitute on my own terms). the aftermath of these events have been catastrophic; rape ruins people! even though i have done everything in my power to try to rise above what happened to me through volunteering, throwing myself into my work and studies, and doing my best to be a loving son/brother/friend and boyfriend, it always feels like overcompensation for the things i have done. i am deeply disgusted for all of these things that i have done. i just needed to let it out. I apologize if the detail is too much at time, if it is, do let me know.
my abuse happened over a long period of time, from either age 3 or 4.. and ending at age seventeen (three years ago). my earliest memories in life were these experiences.
throughout most of it, i had a main abuser who i;ll call E. E was a family friend.
i;m not so focused on talking about my whole experience with sexual abuse, but i did want to talk about the first time that i was anally raped. it;s something i think about a lot.
i actually had this memory blocked off and didn;t even know of its existence, until it came back to me when i was fourteen. it was the first time i experienced a memory resurface, it was so vivid, i remember shaking and crying during it. looking back at it now, i;m pretty sure that was a PTSD flashback.
but essentially the memory was, when i was raped for the first time. i was ten years old. this was a particularly bad year, my father had died and my mother was always busy with work. as a result, i basically had to live with E. even though i had three sisters, i was really the only one who had to live with him. this was because my older sister was able to just go to a friend;s house all the time and my younger sisters were in this program that watched over younger kids, think around 5 and under.
at first living with E, was not that bad. even though he had been sexually mistreating me since i was three or four, for some reason, i really believed he might have changed. but as weeks passed, he began to get increasingly weirder and weirder with me. around a month or two living with him, it was kissing, touching, and weird comments. it was my fault though because i did do something that may have gave him that internal ‘greenlight’ that it was alright to push it further and that was when i hugged him. i feel stupid saying that now, but he was the only person i had at the time. i wanted love and attention. i missed having a father figure and my mom was absent in my life because she had to throw herself into her work, and since i spent so much time with him and he actually did take care of me and provided for me and spoke to me and was kind to me, i thought it would be okay to be affectionate. but that was my fault, i should have known better especially considering the history we already had together. sometimes i wonder if i had never done that, would he have ever felt comfortable enough to rape me.
but it happened on the morning of halloween. that day, my younger sisters had to come with me to E;s house and that was because the program they were in was not always available. i think maybe since it was halloween that;s why they were not open. that day, we got there around 4 am. i used to not sleep a lot and would be exhausted in the mornings because of it. this is important kinda. but when my younger sisters and i got there, we went to my room, so we could go to sleep. i stayed up though because i was scared of E. i never would really sleep in his house. it felt like he would take advantage of it and do something bad, i didn;t trust him. i always felt like i was walking on eggshells in that house. i stayed up mostly to also make sure that he wouldn;t do anything to my sisters. a part of me strongly felt like he was going to try something because i felt it in my heart that he wanted to do something with them more than he did with me both because they were younger than i was and they were both girls. this terrified me. i didn;t want anything to happen to my younger siblings so i stayed up trying to make sure nothing had. but as the time went by, i ended up falling asleep around 6 or 7 am.
when i woke up, my sisters were gone. there was this instant sinking gut feeling that he was doing something to them. i got up and went straight to his room, and saw that his door was cracked open. i slightly nudged the door open and saw that they were in there with him. E didn;t have his pants on, but he was covering his penis with a pillow. My younger sister (6) was playing on the computer in his room and my baby sister (2) was having her hair played with by him. and E looked up at me with this look, but it wasn;t like surprise or shock of being caught, but a very obviously turned on look. it was so disgusting, i was just like WTF in my head, but froze up cause i had no idea what to do or even say. now looking back at it, it was like he wanted me to go find them because he easily could have had sex with my sisters while i was still sleeping, but it felt like he was waiting and the door was open so, it just makes me feel like maybe it was purposeful.
not knowing what to say or do, i honestly kinda just stood there trying to even process what was happening. but E told me to come in and i listened cause i;m dumb idk man. i just remember feeling that twisting stomach feeling of disgust. then he told me to come closer to him and i did, i got on the bed and sat beside him. then he guided me to straddle him and sit on top of him in front of my sisters. and i remember thinking “THIS IS SO WEIRD” in my head. i didn;t want my sisters to see this and think this was normal or okay at all. they were too young to even know what was happening was wrong.
prior to this, before my sisters were involved, and it was just E being weird with me, i would always tell myself, “next time, i;m going to say no louder. next time, i;m going to push him away harder. i;m never going to let it go any further.” i thought i could stop him from raping me, i thought i would. but honestly, i would never implement this into action. i would tell myself i would be more assertive and every time he touched me or kissed me, i would be as cowardly as i always was; mostly freezing up as a response. at my most assertive, i would very weakly tell him to stop, so quiet to the point where only i really heard it. i would also sometimes push him, but again, it was weak and only i really noticed it.
but having him do this to me in front of my sisters, i wasn;t just filled with that disgust and anxiety that i always felt whenever he was weird. i felt so, so incredibly frustrated at the situation. it felt like i was failing my sisters for allowing them to be in this kinda scenario. E began being weird — kissing me and whispering weird things in my ear while i was still straddling him. even though he was speaking to me, i heard nothing he said, i was mentally checked out. i remember my sisters got closer and were watching what he was doing this to me. E began getting touchy and eventually put his hands into my pants and was jerking me off. This is was the lowest i ever felt as a person, being violated like that in front of my younger sisters. It was humiliating and i wanted to cry, but i didn;t want to cry because then they would know it was wrong. i didn;t want to scare them. all these years later, my sisters have never spoken to me about it and i;m glad about that. they never told my mom or anyone. i don;t even know if they remember it, but i;ll never know because i;m not bringing that up.
even though i was embarrassed, that anger helped me to finally do something. i was scared, but i got away from him, making it known i didn;t want to do that. then i got up and took my sisters out of his room, saying that we had to leave soon, which was true. he looked really upset by this, but i still got them out of there. i remember feeling so much adrenaline doing that just because of how afraid i was LOL. but i got my sisters out of the room and when i was following them out the door, he grabbed me by my wrist and took me back into his room, locking the door behind him. E made me sit on the bed. while i was sitting, i was relieved that i got my sisters out of the room, but then i was realizing “this is how it happens, this is how i get raped” forcing myself to come to terms that this act was going to break me forever. during this mental preparation i was looking at my reflection on a powered off tv screen, i had always thought that i would have fought back to avoid being raped, i never considered that i would let him. E came back to the bed with me. He made me undress continued telling me weird stuff, kissing me, touching me, all of that. I complied well, i thought it was better that he was doing this to me than my younger sisters at least. I did my best to keep quiet, i didn;t want to alert my sisters.
sorry if this is graphic, but when it came to E penetrating me, he positioned me in a way that i have not been able to get out of my head. it;s one of the more persistent memories that come up over and over again. i think it is due to it being my first time and also because in his room, he had a mirror closet, making one of the walls in his room mostly mirror, when we had sex, he forced me to look at myself as it happened to me. while he was doing it, he was sitting upright with his hands wrapped around the back part of my knees, moving me up and down on him. He was facing towards the mirror, so it was right in front of me. Being moved so effortlessly made me feel so powerless and small. in that moment, i knew even if i ever did try to fight back, it would have never been enough. being used like that, made me feel less than human. it;s gross, but i felt like i was being used as easy as some fleshlight or object. the pain was terrible, i was trying not to cry because i didn;t want him to see me cry, but i still did end up crying. i was also just trying to be quiet because again my sisters, i didn;t want them to hear me. i;ve always been confused about something and that;s not enjoying it. i feel like a lot of people at least physically felt good during it even if they did not want it at all, but i just felt so much terror and shock, i could not feel anything resembling pleasure, just the burning sensation of being torn open. i passed out while it was happening because of how painful it had been.
when i woke up, i was dressed up and on the couch in the living room. my body felt sore, i could feel an obvious difference. i felt opened and like my insides were moving around, readjusting almost. he came out of the room, he walked down beside me and smiled at me telling me that i did such a good job and paid me $20. i looked down at the money just feeling so disgusted in myself for what happened, i felt like a whore and this money was just proof of that. being paid made it feel like it made things equal all the sudden cause at least i got my part of the exchange. when i went to school later on, i had trouble sitting or using the restroom. i remember going to see the damage and i didn;t have any underwear on anymore. when i was checking to see though, there was blood.
this was just my first experience with anal rape, it would continue on til i was seventeen with several different men (E ended up trafficking me, then i became a prostitute on my own terms). the aftermath of these events have been catastrophic; rape ruins people! even though i have done everything in my power to try to rise above what happened to me through volunteering, throwing myself into my work and studies, and doing my best to be a loving son/brother/friend and boyfriend, it always feels like overcompensation for the things i have done. i am deeply disgusted for all of these things that i have done. i just needed to let it out. I apologize if the detail is too much at time, if it is, do let me know.
