The loss of sleep. The lack of rest.

[CarbonTiger]

Responses are welcome if you read all of this. I'll try to respond.
_____________________________________
Hi... um. I think my health is worsening. I'm unsure but I hardly sleep these days. I can feel little one, (my inner child) crying inside. Screaming in pain and wanting to run away forever.

Currently i'm doing a stressful job that is making it hard for me to want to go to work. I have suffered two concussions couple years ago that fucked me up. I don't think ppl believe me when I say that my brain has not been right since the first one. What drive's me crazy is that, everything is great health wise according to my MRI in August.

So, maybe it's the pills I take. Maybe its the C-PTSD, that alters my physical self. Maybe it's the insomnia in my 20s. The covid I finally caught in 2022. Or the severe depression I was diagnosed with. I've struggled for so long, mostly on my own pushing through as most males my age were taught to be tough.

I'm smart enough to take care of myself. I've survived so much trauma. Sexual, physical, mental etc... i'm not even sure what my point is with all this, its not to brag or to boast. It actual feels shameful to speak out loud. I have to tell the truth and not lie how I am feeling though. I don't have to lie to protect anyone anymore. I can be open and honest with how I am feeling and what my symptoms are! (((Right!?.)))

I digress. I'm just so tired guys. My body and mind are not just tired, my bones and my soul are. I think I am burnt-out again. I pray and wish for rest. I have fought to stay alive and now I fight for this little child inside me. Standing guard at the door to protect him. Asking if he wants to take a hot shower to soothe his pain. Reminding him that its okay to not be okay.

I wonder how much time I have left, and what else I have to give. How far can I go. Why am I like this. Why are all of these things so heavy on my shoulders. These intrusive thoughts batter my windshield like rain as I race to get home into my safe space. I listen to music to cheer me up and ease my discomfort. I think about my mom and dad. I cry some more because life was not as easy for them too. I grieve deeply.

I cry because of the news. I sob in the shower talking to myself. I know little one is scared again....
I tell him I am protected by forces in this world that do not want to harm me. As I wish no harm on anyone. I put my hand on my heart and ask if he needs a hug.

There is no nightmare we can't escape together. Little one, remember those dreams of Spider-man, or the ones where you were flying?! Those dreams were cool! Not the ones where ghosts visit you and sit on your bed. Those entities cannot harm you, as much as they would like too. I reassure myself that i'm not paranoid but intuitive. That I've been prone to seeing spirits where I grew up. The bad ones try to scare you, they try to hurt you. Its cause they are dead and you are alive.

They want what you have. Life, power, and most of all love.

Its okay to rest little one, i'll keep watch tonight...

 

[LittleSteve]

I don’t know if this will help, but I recently started trying something it’s called binaural beats, and you can find them on YouTube and what it is is it’s basically a different soundscapes, but it uses a slightly different frequency in each year which allows it to create a like a Delta wave, which is the sleep wave frequency that you hear and the idea is called entrainment And which is when you create something that allows that the nerves in the body to sync up.

And so I found a sleep mask on Amazon that has little speakers and it was like 25 bucks and you put that on and then you connected to your phone with Bluetooth and there’s literally hundreds of them but they have all different types of sounds I like the rain ones But what I found over the last last couple nights and trying these is that I get good Delta sleep and I’m not waking up at night like I was and I had earbuds that I was trying and they only lasted four hours for the batteries crapped out and that’s what I would wake up. But I fell sleep mass. It has a 10 hour battery so but the idea behind it is that you can basically with the sound synchronize your brain waves to a specific wave frequency which if you do the Delta ones corresponds to deep sleep and they have different ones and they have different sound patterns. I’m just in the beginning of trying this out, but it’s already seem to help me sleep better at night. I don’t know if it would help but it’s just a suggestion.

I have so much trouble sleeping because of chemo that kind of fucked up my brain in the 90s for sleeping and so I try everything and this is something kinda new and so I’m giving her a try. I don’t know if it would help you or not But it’s like I said that sleep mask with the headset was only 25 bucks so you can if you sleep on your back, you can use any headset that you already have. I did pick up some little earbuds that you can sleep in but the problem is you gotta get an expensive set to last through the night so so it’s not not something expensive and the videos are on and the sound files are on YouTube just go search on YouTube and use your phone so it’s not something you gotta spend a lot of money to try either And maybe it would help

 

[.aseity]

(((@CarbonTiger)))

it's ok to admit to these struggles, your challenges. i see you and i am proud of you.

you're dealing with so much and doing your best. i am going to acknowledge you.

whether this is a cry for help or not, it is not universally shameful.

we deal with so much in isolation, getting by on seeming ok.

you are doing good for yourself to embrace the support in your life.

even just letting others know you are going through a difficult time in your life.

it allows you yourself to be reassured you have so very much weighing on your shoulders

and you have allowed us to care

if there is any way i can reach through the keyboard and help, i will

i hope you will be able to console which aches inside, and get some much deserved rest.

TTYL you marvelous human being

 

[CarbonTiger]

thank you, ty.
A marvelous human being you say!? We will all be okay right!? As I look up at you asking for real. I'm hoping the answer is just a confident yes. I've been let down before by ppl I trust. I believe in what you say to me.
@.aseity

_________________________

I don’t know if this will help, but I recently started trying something it’s called binaural beats, and you can find them on YouTube

Yes! I have a huge playlist of Binaural beats, solfeggio tones, and deep sleep 432hrz, 528hrz vids as well. Been listening for years on youtube. I also have my med card for depression, anxiety and sleep. That helps most times. Melatonin gummies every now and then to regulate my sleep. Anyway thanks for reply too. It is very helpful. I hope the sounds heal you my friend. I'm sorry you had chemo <3

 

[Curiouspaints]

Responses are welcome if you read all of this. I'll try to respond.
_____________________________________
Hi... um. I think my health is worsening. I'm unsure but I hardly sleep these days. I can feel little one, (my inner child) crying inside. Screaming in pain and wanting to run away forever.

Currently i'm doing a stressful job that is making it hard for me to want to go to work. I have suffered two concussions couple years ago that fucked me up. I don't think ppl believe me when I say that my brain has not been right since the first one. What drive's me crazy is that, everything is great health wise according to my MRI in August.

So, maybe it's the pills I take. Maybe its the C-PTSD, that alters my physical self. Maybe it's the insomnia in my 20s. The covid I finally caught in 2022. Or the severe depression I was diagnosed with. I've struggled for so long, mostly on my own pushing through as most males my age were taught to be tough.

I'm smart enough to take care of myself. I've survived so much trauma. Sexual, physical, mental etc... i'm not even sure what my point is with all this, its not to brag or to boast. It actual feels shameful to speak out loud. I have to tell the truth and not lie how I am feeling though. I don't have to lie to protect anyone anymore. I can be open and honest with how I am feeling and what my symptoms are! (((Right!?.)))

I digress. I'm just so tired guys. My body and mind are not just tired, my bones and my soul are. I think I am burnt-out again. I pray and wish for rest. I have fought to stay alive and now I fight for this little child inside me. Standing guard at the door to protect him. Asking if he wants to take a hot shower to soothe his pain. Reminding him that its okay to not be okay.

I wonder how much time I have left, and what else I have to give. How far can I go. Why am I like this. Why are all of these things so heavy on my shoulders. These intrusive thoughts batter my windshield like rain as I race to get home into my safe space. I listen to music to cheer me up and ease my discomfort. I think about my mom and dad. I cry some more because life was not as easy for them too. I grieve deeply.

I cry because of the news. I sob in the shower talking to myself. I know little one is scared again....
I tell him I am protected by forces in this world that do not want to harm me. As I wish no harm on anyone. I put my hand on my heart and ask if he needs a hug.

There is no nightmare we can't escape together. Little one, remember those dreams of Spider-man, or the ones where you were flying?! Those dreams were cool! Not the ones where ghosts visit you and sit on your bed. Those entities cannot harm you, as much as they would like too. I reassure myself that i'm not paranoid but intuitive. That I've been prone to seeing spirits where I grew up. The bad ones try to scare you, they try to hurt you. Its cause they are dead and you are alive.

They want what you have. Life, power, and most of all love.

Its okay to rest little one, i'll keep watch tonight...

Body needs rest now
sending you deep sleep in recovery

 

[Silly]

@CarbonTiger I also go through cycles of disrupted sleep, and its tough trying to have a "normal" life when it feels like the batteries we run on are constantly drained of energy.

My best sleep comes after a day of physical exertion. Being in nature is where I'm most comfortable these days.

Thanks for sharing what you're going through... I often forget that there are people that understand the struggles we face. I hope things begin to improve soon! Take gentle care.

 

[.aseity]

i won't pretend I'm brimming with confidence or that I'm not a walking disappointment . with all of my faults, i do care.

we have been here before, been through this before. doesn't make it any easier, but look back and realize you've gotten through hard times like this before.

you got this!

 

[CarbonTiger]

@CarbonTiger I also go through cycles of disrupted sleep, and its tough trying to have a "normal" life when it feels like the batteries we run on are constantly drained of energy.

My best sleep comes after a day of physical exertion. Being in nature is where I'm most comfortable these days.

Thanks for sharing what you're going through... I often forget that there are people that understand the struggles we face. I hope things begin to improve soon! Take gentle care.

Yes! This makes sense and is a great reminder. I have been going in more walks in our small park across the street, but I slowed down once fall arrived.

It's just a lot. I felt good walking outside in the summer. Maybe I need to plan a hike or two.

 

[LRD]

@CarbonTiger, I’ve just seen this entire post and responses. Thank you for sharing these struggles of sleep loss and life in general sometimes. I myself struggle with sleeping, often waking several times for long periods.
Getting up foggy and still exhausted.
I love the support and suggestions. I hope for you man that this sleepless cycle ends soon for you. Take care and know others are sending positive thoughts and energy!

 

[CarbonTiger]

@CarbonTiger, I’ve just seen this entire post and responses. Thank you for sharing these struggles of sleep loss and life in general sometimes. I myself struggle with sleeping, often waking several times for long periods.
Getting up foggy and still exhausted.
I love the support and suggestions. I hope for you man that this sleepless cycle ends soon for you. Take care and know others are sending positive thoughts and energy!

Thank you LRD! That means a lot and i'm very thankful for the responses and suggestions too. When I posted this, I wanted to open up a bit and be honest. It was during a very frustrating period. The good news is, i've been able to catch up on some sleep. That has helped although, I do still get very tired. Thanks for the positive energy! I appreciate it!
Same to you my friend.

 

[Life changed at Nine]

I recently started trying something it’s called binaural beats, and you can find them on YouTube and what it is is it’s basically a different soundscapes, but it uses a slightly different frequency in each year which allows it to create a like a Delta wave, which is the sleep wave frequency that you hear and the idea is called entrainment And which is when you create something that allows that the nerves in the body to sync up.

Discovered binaural beats out of the blue 10 yrs or so ago. Not sure how it works but definitely see some benefit, A sense of calm and a more rested feeling. Don't use them all night but rather breifly before sleep or an afternoon nap. Recently have tried the trauma healing and dealing with bad memories ones. Not yet sure if thats helping.