*Triggers Possible* Returning to the box I want to avoid

[Duckie]

I am doing something i never in my wildest imagination imagined doing again. I had a brain fart some time ago and agreed to go to Egypt. I know, I know, its not the sandbox technically, but in my head its the same. The atmosphere, the sounds, the smells, it's the same as Iraq or Saudi Arabia, places I did some bad things in. I have been working with a therapist for a couple of months now, specifically on this return to the neighborhood and how to deal with it, keeping my shit together. I understand this may not be exactly something that resonates with every guy here, but frankly, I went there in the service as a direct result of my childhood abuse. A place to take my rage out on others and be rewarded for it. So in a way, it is relevant. I leave tomorrow and I am getting panicky at this point. I don't want to mischaracterize this trip, it's a vacation, a week diving in the Red Sea, which was always on my brother's bucket list (he's deceased), and a week touring the Nile and visiting ruins and the pyramids. I should be just fine with this, but just hearing certain things several times a day, seeing certain clothing, these things illicit extreme memories, flashbacks, all the same things we experience as survivors.

An additional frustration is that my shrink and I had just started opening some of the really difficult things, using prolonged exposure therapy, a very difficult thing for me to even approach. When I mentioned that this was going to happen, he stopped all work on it and told me to put it back in a box on the shelf to be touched when we get back. I haven't been able to do that, I don't even understand how. So the nightmares, back, the dissociation, back, the extreme reactions, back. Now I face getting on a plane and landing in Cairo. The focus has been on just implementing strategies and I am working on them diligently.

I don't even know why I am posting this. I am not a young man, I am just an old tourist, but my brain doesn't seem to understand that. I don't know what else to say.

 

[smc1972]

@Duckie i know this is a huge event for you. I think it is great that you worked with your T to prepare for. I cannot relate to the military and combat aspect so I do not want to speak on that dynamic.

An additional frustration is that my shrink and I had just started opening some of the really difficult things, using prolonged exposure therapy, a very difficult thing for me to even approach. When I mentioned that this was going to happen, he stopped all work on it and told me to put it back in a box on the shelf to be touched when we get back. I haven't been able to do that, I don't even understand how

I fully understand what you are saying. As you know my T had me try and do the same thing when I went off the rails with all the other stuff. I imagine yours told you something similar to my T. “You can’t handle working on the past stuff while dealing with something that is happening now, you can only handle so much”. They are right as much as it sucks, is not something you can easily do but it is for the best. I hated she wanted me to “put it back in the closet”. Like you said not easy to do. Sadly the past will still be there when you get back and yeah you have to re-engage in the future.


I think you are strong and you can do this. Try not to dwell on things (yeah like have room to talk lol). But I do hope you are able to settle once there and enjoy the vacation.

 

[TJ jeff]

Duckie - I think the best thing to do is to keep as focused on the "vacation" as possible - yes, there are going to be triggering moments - focus on the vacation

We stopped in Greece my 2nd trip to the gulf - I wouldn't mind going back some year to explore more - I did get to go through Pompei and a few other ruins around Athens - so much to explore...

I hope you have a great trip - diving should be amazing - just watch out for sea snakes...

 

[Duckie]

In.cairo now, yep, that familiar smell, thr sounxs, i have to be the dumbest guy alive

 

[Kintsugi]

Praying for you right now. Find an ice cube or a cool object and hold it tight in the palm of your hand. Focus on the sensation of cold and let that root you in your present reality. Flashbacks are hard but, from what I have read, you have been working hard. You have the skill and training to assert your present over your past. And you are not alone—reach out to a trusted friend. Do what you must to continue to be present in the now. Give yourself permission, when it’s safe, to remember, but make it clear that right now you are only wanting to deal with reality as it is today.

 

[Duckie]

Praying for you right now. Find an ice cube or a cool object and hold it tight in the palm of your hand. Focus on the sensation of cold and let that root you in your present reality. Flashbacks are hard but, from what I have read, you have been working hard. You have the skill and training to assert your present over your past. And you are not alone—reach out to a trusted friend. Do what you must to continue to be present in the now. Give yourself permission, when it’s safe, to remember, but make it clear that right now you are only wanting to deal with reality as it is today.

Wise words

 

[Easy123]

@Duckie thinking of you. I went through something similar a while back. My dad ended up in the hospital with a near heart attack. I hadn’t been home in years and certainly not since starting therapy. But I knew I had to go back home to see him and help them with food and house stuff when he came home. That meant seeing my brother (my abuser) and sleeping in the house where it all happened. I knew the images and feelings would probably hit me hard. And I couldn’t put all my armor back on. I thought of it kind of like a survival float in the open water. Don’t struggle to fight the waves. Conserve your energy by letting the waves carry you until you’re in a safe spot to move along. I even had to imagine myself stepping outside my body from time to time to observe my reactions rather than letting the emotion overwhelm me and pull me under.

Be strong

 

[Duckie]

Greetings from Luxor. Too much to say, but not yet incarcerated and challenging is an understatemwnt but i want to be positive so..... i found it, irrefutable proof that the duck has been around for thousands of years at luxor temple.

 

[Duckie]

Connections are ajoke. Be well brothers

 

[Duckie]

Connections are ajoke. Be well brothers

 

[StoneBoy]

Connections are ajoke. Be well brothers

Right now I tend to agree with you

 

[JC1]

Duckie,
I just wanted to say that I’m thinking about you and the trip that you are on. Hoping things are going well for you on what I know is a very difficult journey, and also that you’ll enjoy the vacation part. Stay safe and my best to all of you.