Memories Returned in My 40s

[RiverWind]

Hi. I'm a mid-40s abuse survivor. I started therapy earlier this year for depression, which was leading to alcoholism. I just couldn't stay sober because of this awful "pain" in my body and soul. I thought therapy was going nowhere. But then, as I was sitting with my strong feelings of guilt and shame, I started to experience sexual confusion. I even started to wonder if I was gay (despite being happily married to a woman).

I asked a gay acquaintance if he thought I was gay and showed him some of my personal writing and he said "I never thought you were gay, but have you considered abuse?" This was like that horrible lightbulb moment. I had always wondered if I'd been abused, it felt like the missing ingredient in my life. But I didn't have any memories of it. I don't have a lot of memories of childhood at all. I just thought I was a disgusting, messed up, waster dirtbag and there was really no cause for it. I'd read tons of (useless) self-help books about depression and anxiety, but I'd never seriously considered sexual abuse. Who even wants to think about it, let alone that it could've happened to them?! For me this was the topic You. Do. Not. Think. About. That was a rule carved in my brain. "If you do, your whole life will be destroyed and you'll go to hell." That's how I felt.

But I was so miserable and increasingly suicidal that I decided to take the idea seriously at long last. I asked myself "if I'd been abused, what could it have looked like?" expecting I might casually imagine a fake scene or something. To my utter horror, I had a flashback that was so disturbing and outrageous that I immediately noped-out of it and slammed the "vault door" shut again. I had serious after-effects from that 2 second memory, like I burst out crying at the dining table hours later. I felt like complete dog shit for days. I thought I was losing my mind. I didn't expect to react like that at all.

I've since had what I call "body flashbacks". These can last 20-30 minutes. It's like my body is replaying a rape and I've regressed to childhood. They're exhausting. I do see flashes of stuff during them but I still don't know what's real and who raped me. I don't see the faces. I think it's my father but I am shit scared of my father so it’s hard to admit that. I'm like a scared child when I'm around him even though I'm a grown man (he’s still alive and in my life). My gut instinct is screaming at me he's guilty but there's other men in my flashbacks too, which is extremely distressing.

A few days ago I got drunk and even asked my father directly if he remembered anything at all without accusing him personally and he flat out denied it was even possible that I'd been sexually abused. He denied it so strongly it sounded like a confession to me. The other people I've told believe me somewhat, but not him. He said it "100% did not happen".

Not yet having clear concrete memories, or not being able to handle them, means I’m being tortured by doubts. I'm constantly telling myself I'm going crazy or a sick fantasist, but at the same time surely I can't be making this up? It's too real. I can't fake these flashbacks and intense emotions. Just writing this I'm shaking and quivering.

It's still new. I'm struggling with acceptance. I managed to get to this point in life by pretending it didn't happen, it was just a dream, etc. But now if I even try to deny I've been sexually abused (and I still do), my suicidal depression comes back with a vengeance. So I'm being forced to go on. My therapist says I’m repeating the threats I must’ve received as a kid, death threats to keep it all a secret, etc. And maybe others told me I'm making it all up, so I'm just repeating that.

Anyway, that's where I'm up to so far. My heart and body are telling me I've been abused, I have these weird flashback experiences, I fit the list of abuse victim symptoms, my psychotherapist (themselves a survivor) believes me, my wife believed me as soon as I told her it probably happened, but I have a major blockage about accepting it myself. I am so scared. I don't want to blow up my life and accuse my father of raping me, maybe even pimping me (so crazy), but I'm stuck with this horrible realisation.

Anyway I'm here because Mike Lew’s (wonderful) book Victims No Longer says connecting with other survivors is so important. I don't want to because I'm such a scared and nervous guy, but I can't live in the shadows anymore.

 

[deedeeiny60]

Well River Wind...first welcome to the Forum. Here you will find people that could understand you because most of us had been in one way or another victims of abuse.
I can relate to your feelings specially the "body fladhbacks" that I have suffered for a long time. Yes physical flashbacks where I could feel even the pain in the adequate parts of my body that were abused. Hands, faces, breathing...all over again and again...
I can relate...
River Wind we are here to help each other
If in need holler and I or some other brother will answer. Now love yourself because you deserve it.




.

 

[Silly]

@RiverWind - hello and welcome to MS. I'm sorry for what was done to you. Returning memories can be a really difficult thing to go through. I stuffed everything very deep, but when it erupted... and yes, the somatic body memories are terrible. I'd know... but here I am - still kickin'

This is a place to feel safe sharing our journeys and seeking the fellowship (and wisdom) of other survivors. Go at your on own pace. Take gentle care.

 

[RiverWind]

Thanks for the warm welcome. I'm happy to be here despite how uncomfortable it is to talk about this stuff.

The body or somatic flashbacks are so strange. I even had a huge one years before I'd thought of sexual abuse, when I had no context at all to understand it. I didn't know what was happening at all back then. I can almost understand why people put such experiences down to ghosts or aliens now. Unfortunately the true answer was a lot less fun.

Regardless, even tentatively accepting what happened to me in my early years has already made a big difference to my life after decades of trying to suppress horrible reality. Things are at last looking a little positive though I've a long way to go.

 

[GaD3!]

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. I am glad that you have found us, and also sorry that you have a reason to be here.

It is very common for an abuse survivor to not have memories surface until they are in their 40's or later, particularly when that abuse takes place early in one's life. During the abuse one can dissociate, so there are no conscious memories, but the memories are stored in the brain and not processed. So all of the details- encompassing the 5 senses along with the emotions are present, but just not readily accessible. That is until the brain for what ever reason decides the time is right to allow the memories to emerge. As I said that is often not until many years after the abuse. It is very common for one to question the surfacing memories, and wonder it they are making things up, or going crazy etc..

You can't make this stuff up, nor purposely have flash backs. who would want to? Your heart and body are not lying to you. The fact that you have such limited recall of childhood also your father's extreme behavior when questioned also are symptomatic of abuse. Many survivors deal with depression and substance abuse, also the sexual questioning.

For years I had bits and pieces of strange memory, body sensations, some partial memories of events that went to a point and then stopped. Things were never right and by my 20's I was starting to crack up. By my late 40's I was very close to ending it all. At that point I was finally able to get into therapy- the reason anger issues. Of course there had to be a reason for the anger, in a very short time the focus of therapy changed from anger issues to sexual abuse and trauma. I did a tremendous amount of EMDR and little by little all the pieces came together and complete memories surfaced. I asked the T numerous times if I was somehow making things up or mentally ill. He told me that I could not be making things up, that the story never changed and if I were lying he would have caught it ( we worked together for over a decade). He assured me I was not mentally ill- he had the training and education to diagnose such if it were present.

Thankfully you are working with a therapist and one who is a survivor, it is extremely difficult to achieve any healing without help. I know you are struggling right now, but things can and will get better. There is hope, cling to that hope, never give in and never give up. That I am still alive today is proof of both of those statements.. We are here for you so you. If I can ever help feel free to send a message, and I am sure that would go for any of us here. I truly wish you peace and healing. Please take care.

 

[Resurgam]

Welcome @RiverWind. You are brave to confront the abuse. Brave to write about it, and ask questions about it. I also struggle with missing memories and details, but I find that I have to separate my desire for justice from my need for healing. Accepting that I was abused allows me to pursue healing from the trauma. That is real, present, practical, and necessary for me.
As much as I want justice, my likely perpetrator(s) are dead and I will not get justice in my lifetime. I want to know what happened, but I accept that there is a grace in not having memories to relive.
My point to you is, you don't have to have all of the answers before you pursue healing. You can see the results of trauma in your life, so recognize that you were traumatized and work on healing. If the memories surface, they will do so as your brain determines you are safe enough to process them.

 

[ODAT]

River wind,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through…
I was abused for 9 months at 8 and still only remember the first three times (the memories of the last 8 months are still repressed which is when things were about to get really bad.)
That was 60 years ago. I struggle everyday wondering what happened (although deep down I know what happened…)
You are in a good place here. Keep reaching out as you will find many of us have similar experiences Take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself too…

 

[RiverWind]

@GaD3! Thanks for telling me about your story and the words of reassurance. Your journey sounds similar to mine and I take comfort from that. My therapy also started by looking at why I was so angry (feeling betrayed but now knowing why) and then eventually ended up on sexual abuse. I had to go through all the "false-positives" in my life to get there - all the stuff that happened downstream from the abuse - until I found the awful source of my anger in my father's abuse. I blamed everything before looking at him. Whatever he did to terrify me into silence as a kid really worked. He's one of these guys who everybody thinks is a jolly fool, but, oh boy, when he switches to the other face...

I'm still struggling with the "you're crazy/making it up/what does it even matter?" thoughts, but this week I'm not allowing myself to disbelieve. Perhaps I'm clinging to the idea I can go back to my old "happy family" delusion - even though it almost drove me to suicide. It's hard because part of me still idolises my father. I want to love him. But he did awful things to me. The worst. I've gotta get out from his under his shadow. I've been in it for decades.

I'm going to ask my therapist about this EMDR stuff. We haven't got into that yet. Does it help with memories?

@Resurgam Thanks for your words, they're much appreciated. I relate to that pull between getting justice and getting healed. I think, if I just had a video tape of what happened instead of confusing flashes, I could go after my abuser and make them suffer. But I guess I don't need more memories to start healing. My therapist says I'm going through the "Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance" stages about what I've remembered so far. The stage I'm in changes from hour to hour.

I feel your pain that your perpetrator(s) are probably dead. That must be a bitter pill. My Dad can't have long to live and it would crush me if he died before I've properly confronted him about what he did. But then again, maybe I'd just playing to his ego again. I should be able to heal without him. Heck, it might be easier when he dies and gets out of my life. I used to dread going to his funeral and playing the "nice son". I won't do that now...

@ODAT Thank you. As you say "deep down I know what happened" - that's most important and that's what I keep telling me and that's what should matter. My therapist says I'm a grown man now, I get to decide what happened in my past. But for some reason these abusers are so good at getting us to distrust ourselves. I also tell myself my memory is doing me a favour, it's still protecting me as it protected Little Me. It's on my side. It wouldn't help me to show me everything and I appreciate it for that.