Incestuous Abuse Perhaphs not understandable: an update of sorts

[Duckie]

I have not been engaging much here for a few days, and that's not a coincidence. This trip to Egypt is really messing with me, more so, the things my shrink has me doing to prepare for this trip. I understand the goal, I understand the reasoning, and I don't disagree, but this stuff is really digging into my brain pretty hard. I was told we have to put all this abuse stuff back in the box and shove it back in the closet to focus on the immediate issues, and he's right, it makes sense.

I don't often talk about my military history here in much detail, and the last week or so has made it very clear to me why. I don't think it's going to resonate with many, and what's happening now is bringing up much of that anger, that shame, and that aggression. The therapist has me listening to the call to prayer and other sounds, watching things that remind me of the box etc all in this envivo theory of exposure. My therapist has been working with me to develop coping strategies for managing potential triggers during my travels, using an approach called in vivo exposure therapy. In vivo exposure therapy involves gradually exposing oneself to anxiety-provoking stimuli in a controlled and supportive environment, with the goal of reducing the emotional and physical responses associated with these triggers over time. I understand why, but this is putting me right back into iaccus mode, angry, bitter, resentful, and seeking out the things I have done in the past to deal with things I can't really control inside my own head. He's providing me with tools to help deal with this crap, but we are NOT delving into the origins of it all because there is no time. I understand this, but dissociation based on military trauma is no less disturbing than abuse desociation. Part of this includes intentionally doing, hearing, and seeing things that will cause me great disturbance. This has been a challenging balance to strike, as both sets of experiences are deeply intertwined and equally impactful. I am trying to do what must be done.

I suppose if I had two brain cells, I would have found a place like MS to talk about the highway and James and all of it, but I haven't, and there is no time to do so now. Thank god a couple of good people here pushed me into getting serious about therapy again because I don't have any idea how I would have reacted to any of this crap if I had just been plopped into it with no preparations at all. For this I am grateful.

I have until the end of the month to get my shit together, and then it's off to the scene of the crime.

be well.

 

[Jack1]

There is a guy in my recovery group who is a combat vet with PTSD. He also suffered from childhood neglect and sexual abuse. He's a recovering alcoholic and drug abuser.

both sets of experiences are deeply intertwined and equally impactful.

He said the same thing and he also was clear that stress from memories of one would often set off the other.

Best of wished for you on your upcoming trip. May God bless you and keep you safe.

 

[Duckie]

I appreciate that jack

 

[Healing light]

Iv never been in the military and I'm assuming that trauma related to service is different to what I have experienced

But I have multiple traumas that I'm dealing with
In 2023 when I checked myself into a wellness retreat for a few months it wasn't because of abuse trauma it was because of another trauma entirely which I won't go into

Having multiple traumas with multiple layers is difficult and for me they can tie in with one another sometimes or stand alone

Exposure therapy is intense

Give yourself grace.

Peace HL

 

[JC1]

This has been a challenging balance to strike, as both sets of experiences are deeply intertwined and equally impactful. I am trying to do what must be done.

Duckie,
Thank you for continuing to share your story! What you said here hits home. Until getting into therapy, I did not realize that there was another major trauma besides the sexual abuse that was impaticng me. That trauma enabled and set the stage for the abuse, and 'deeply intertwined' is a good description.
Also want to say it takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing. I wish you the best on this journey!
Please take care and be safe,
JC1

 

[dreamgurl]

It was my PTSD from my tour in Vietnam (67-68) that finally made me confront my CSA. Indeed in my opinion all traumas can initiate reactions, often severe, to other issues one is dealing with. After fifty-eight years since Vietnam issues still arise. I often think of a Thomas Merton quote: "Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul". I have found this to be one of the truest statements I have ever come across. Be patient, keep working on "IT', and know we vets understand! Be Kind to Yourself and I Wish You PEACE!

 

[Jack1]

a Thomas Merton quote: "Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul".

Because it's so absolutely true, I'm stealing that quote.

 

[JC1]

Thomas Merton quote: "Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul"

Thank you for such a great statement of truth!

 

[Bluedogone]

Even as a vet who never experienced combat, I think I partially understand. It's sort of like "one PTSD at a time, please." Godspeed, @Duckie

 

[smc1972]

Duckie thank you for posting where you are at. I have not been to engaging but I have noticed you have not been in chat and such. I fully understand how you feel as it is similar to what my therapist has done.

I was told we have to put all this abuse stuff back in the box and shove it back in the closet to focus on the immediate issues, and he's right, it makes sense.

As you know and others I was in a bad state addressing the abuse and that was the original purpose of my leave from work. Then the whole relationship imploding and ending happened. She had me put things back in the boxes and put them back in the closet.

What your therapist is saying is right as you wrote. It is to much to try to work on two major things at one time. So you address the immediate one. That is the trip to Egypt. It sucks I know. It has scared me and I have told my therapist this. You fear having to repeat the pain of the abuse once the immediate situation is resolved. I fear that I will make it past all the relationship stuff then having a wound ripped open again.

One thing my T told me and I would think it would be true for you or anyone else. That doing this work for the current situation will help in reducing the intensity once we start back on the abuse. You will have learned new tools. All I can do is believe her like you with your T.

My therapist has been working with me to develop coping strategies for managing potential triggers during my travels, using an approach called in vivo exposure therapy. In vivo exposure therapy involves gradually exposing oneself to anxiety-provoking stimuli in a controlled and supportive environment, with the goal of reducing the emotional and physical responses associated with these triggers over time.

This is what I have been doing. Like going day by day of visualization of my fears on things with going to the retreat, my ex’s move and being there, my move this week and returning to work Tuesday. It is not fun, I thought it would not help. But I believe it did. Won’t say there was not anxiety or emotional events. However I do know there were less intense than what I had told myself it would be.

It sounds like you have a very good T that is working to make sure you are better prepared to handle things. I am sort of surprised when I saw what you wrote was so what I had thought and felt. It will help you like you wrote. I am so glad to see you working with a T. As some has kept telling me, “you got this you can handle it.” You got this, you can handle it.