Beating Myself Up

[FindingLoveInMyself]

I know I am not alone in this and I guess I’m looking for some reassurance. I am noticing more and more how often I get sexually aroused when I’m anxious or scared and I brutalize myself over it. I know it’s a common thing for someone who’s experienced abuse and that just isn’t enough for me to give myself some grace.

I feel so pathetic and wrong. And it seems like the more I start to address the feelings I’ve suppressed and work on myself, work on healing, I get these overwhelming sexual urges. It’s humiliating writing this. I’m trying to push through and post this anyway. I’ll write my therapist and a fair amount of times, shortly afterwards I’ll be looking at porn and masturbating. I’ll probably end up doing that after posting this. I know it’s a coping mechanism. I want to feel open with sexuality, and I don’t.

And the last thing I struggle with is that I’m connecting dots to how I’ve relived what happened through fantasies. It’s been 3.5 years since I joined this forum and I started therapy at the same time and I’m just starting to realize how dominated my sexual fantasies have been by someone taking what they want from me and demeaning me in the process. Once I got into a relationship it shifted a little bit. Still was me being submissive. Less of these fantasies where I’m essentially being assaulted. It’s causing a lot of shame. The feelings are difficult to handle and I’m starting to wonder if my self hatred is really just hating the way I feel, the symptoms of PTSD. These things that I know aren’t me yet somehow I can’t let go of the believing that they are. Thanks for reading.

 

[GaD3!]

We are our own worse task masters and it is much easier to show others grace and compassion than oneself. You are not pathetic, rather you carry deep wounds. You are correct it is not uncommon for one to become aroused when one is anxious or scared. This happens to males in general, not just those who are abuse survivors.

I am sorry that you feel humiliated about sharing this. It is ok that you talk about these issues, we understand and this is a safe place. It is stressful to address those things you have suppressed, masturbation as you state is a coping mechanism. You are in therapy and working on the issues that takes time and effort.

It is common to relive the abuse through fantasies, and of course when one is masturbating the sky is the limit where the mind and those fantasies can go. As I was told by a T several years ago- the brain sees it all as sex not good sex or bad sex and of course that is arousing and arousal itself is pleasurable, as it was designed to be. It is out of our control.

Self hatred seems to be a common issue for survivors in general. It is not justified, but that does not make it just go away. Things can get better with therapy. Please take care.

 

[TJ jeff]

I can't say it any better than GaD said it above

There is a whole nother thread on masturbation in the sexual identity forum where others talk about these overwhelming sexual urges

You are certainly not alone in this fight

 

[tgslair]

The brutalizing yourself part is understandable—you’re trying to punish what feels “wrong”—but that only deepens shame. What you actually need here is separation: “My body reacted, but that’s not me choosing it. That’s my nervous system running an old survival script.” Sometimes it helps to reframe it … Your body isn’t betraying you—it’s showing you where trauma got wired in. That reaction is evidence of what you survived, not evidence of who you are.

 

[WreckedRick]

The brutalizing yourself part is understandable—you’re trying to punish what feels “wrong”—but that only deepens shame. What you actually need here is separation: “My body reacted, but that’s not me choosing it. That’s my nervous system running an old survival script.” Sometimes it helps to reframe it … Your body isn’t betraying you—it’s showing you where trauma got wired in. That reaction is evidence of what you survived, not evidence of who you are.

Agree

 

[FindingLoveInMyself]

I really appreciate everyone’s responses! I’ll check out the other thread. I’ve held onto some of this stuff for so long that to talk about it feels so strange.

I have so much tangled up, distorted feelings around sex and sexuality and it causes me a lot of discomfort.

 

[GaD3!]

I have so much tangled up, distorted feelings around sex and sexuality and it causes me a lot of discomfort.

I understand these feelings completely. I could have typed these exact words. With therapy things are much better now. There is hope even though it may not seem that way at the present. Cling to that hope. Take care.

 

[Brian76]

I know I am not alone in this and I guess I’m looking for some reassurance. I am noticing more and more how often I get sexually aroused when I’m anxious or scared and I brutalize myself over it. I know it’s a common thing for someone who’s experienced abuse and that just isn’t enough for me to give myself some grace.

I feel so pathetic and wrong. And it seems like the more I start to address the feelings I’ve suppressed and work on myself, work on healing, I get these overwhelming sexual urges. It’s humiliating writing this. I’m trying to push through and post this anyway. I’ll write my therapist and a fair amount of times, shortly afterwards I’ll be looking at porn and masturbating. I’ll probably end up doing that after posting this. I know it’s a coping mechanism. I want to feel open with sexuality, and I don’t.

And the last thing I struggle with is that I’m connecting dots to how I’ve relived what happened through fantasies. It’s been 3.5 years since I joined this forum and I started therapy at the same time and I’m just starting to realize how dominated my sexual fantasies have been by someone taking what they want from me and demeaning me in the process. Once I got into a relationship it shifted a little bit. Still was me being submissive. Less of these fantasies where I’m essentially being assaulted. It’s causing a lot of shame. The feelings are difficult to handle and I’m starting to wonder if my self hatred is really just hating the way I feel, the symptoms of PTSD. These things that I know aren’t me yet somehow I can’t let go of the believing that they are. Thanks for reading.

I can relate to this friend. It is nice to know you are not alone.

 

[FindingLoveInMyself]

Thanks @Brian76. Also, wanted to let you know that I appreciate your avatar and when I initially saw your message I was listening to one of the audiobooks. Thought that was weird in a fun way.

 

[Brian76]

Lol No problem. Let's hope we have better days ahead friend...

 

[LittleSteve]

For me, sexual arousal and pain and fear were all connected. So when I become afraid even I get aroused, it’s my body it’s not me. It’s not who I am. The same with pain it causes the arousal, but that’s not me. That’s what was done to me and I don’t have to claim it. I don’t have to feel ashamed of it. I used fantasy for so many years as part of all that and it’s taking me a while to learn that I don’t actually have to do that that I can enjoy arousal and sex without having to relive the pain or the fear they don’t have to be connected. You’ve taken the first step in looking at it and understanding it

 

[Jack1]

You are not pathetic, rather you carry deep wounds. You are correct it is not uncommon for one to become aroused when one is anxious or scared. This happens to males in general, not just those who are abuse survivors.

I recall that in the story of Black Hawk Down, the battle of Mogadishu, while trapped in one of the buildings that one of the soldiers masturbated.

When our fight-flight brain process is so closely connected to sexual abuse, we can get very aroused when we are in a situation where we feel threatened.