I wanna run!!!

[Imstillstanding]

I’m kinda over it! “Recovery” thats is! I mean I’ve been doing this for so long. Therapy, group, etc. and I’m just exhausted. I thought I had a good handle on things but clearly not. I am tired of every time I turn around there being another problem. Another critic. Another, “you’re doing this wrong!”

That’s been my life! I know I’m a screw up. I was reminded constantly I was not as good as my brother. That he was the good one. I found a place for myself in the world… a place I felt comfortable. Sure it involved a lot of humor and being the “sweet but inappropriate one.” But evidently that’s not ok either.

Now I am just wanting to leave. I am not wanting to participate in talks, I’m wanting to hide from people, I’m leaving rooms/chats/etc. especially when I feel like I’m being judged or completely ignored. I know I don’t want to isolate… I want to just say fuck it and live life… I mean who cares if I’m only doing the hook ups for attention and to fill some emotional void? Who cares if I over extend myself with friends and family? They say they appreciate it and I get attention again which I kinda want! Who cares if I lean more into stuff that may technically not be the best for coping? If I’m not miserable or constantly feeling like I’m going to fall apart could it be worth it?!

So yes I wanna run! But I’m not. I’ve been doing this too long to give up. I’ve come too far to turn around. I’m down and upset and feeling alone and rejected. But those things won’t last. For now I will just awkwardly go through the motions. I know this will pass and I’ll feel better on the other side. Just sucks right now!

 

[the-part-that-stayed]

 

[GaD3!]

I’m kinda over it! “Recovery” thats is! I mean I’ve been doing this for so long. Therapy, group, etc. and I’m just exhausted. I thought I had a good handle on things but clearly not. I am tired of every time I turn around there being another problem. Another critic. Another, “you’re doing this wrong!”

That’s been my life! I know I’m a screw up. I was reminded constantly I was not as good as my brother. That he was the good one. I found a place for myself in the world… a place I felt comfortable. Sure it involved a lot of humor and being the “sweet but inappropriate one.” But evidently that’s not ok either.

Now I am just wanting to leave. I am not wanting to participate in talks, I’m wanting to hide from people, I’m leaving rooms/chats/etc. especially when I feel like I’m being judged or completely ignored. I know I don’t want to isolate… I want to just say fuck it and live life… I mean who cares if I’m only doing the hook ups for attention and to fill some emotional void? Who cares if I over extend myself with friends and family? They say they appreciate it and I get attention again which I kinda want! Who cares if I lean more into stuff that may technically not be the best for coping? If I’m not miserable or constantly feeling like I’m going to fall apart could it be worth it?!

So yes I wanna run! But I’m not. I’ve been doing this too long to give up. I’ve come too far to turn around. I’m down and upset and feeling alone and rejected. But those things won’t last. For now I will just awkwardly go through the motions. I know this will pass and I’ll feel better on the other side. Just sucks right now!

I understand how you feel. I often wish I could run away, run and never stop. I know that is not possible. One can run as far as they want and as fast as they want and they cannot run away from themselves nor the issues. They come right along with us. I am glad that you have the insight that you shared in your last paragraph. This too makes much sense. Take care.

 

[smc1972]

I’m kinda over it! “Recovery” thats is! I mean I’ve been doing this for so long. Therapy, group, etc. and I’m just exhausted. I thought I had a good handle on things but clearly not. I am tired of every time I turn around there being another problem. Another critic. Another, “you’re doing this wrong!”

How many time have you told me to stop that thinking. That I cannot just give up on therapy. If I can’t you cant

That’s been my life! I know I’m a screw up.

Again how many time have you told me that I am not a screw up, a failure, a looser and on and on. I get how we have that in us because either we were told that or compared to others. We jut felt it about ourselves and then mentally told up we were those things. I still struggle with it. It has lessened at times but it is still there. I think I just do not always share that here or with others.

I’m wanting to hide from people, I’m leaving rooms/chats/etc. especially when I feel like I’m being judged or completely ignored.

This one as you know is a big one for me. I still feel those things a lot even today in chat over one simple thing but my mind went to the thought of I must be a bother. I still keep those to myself for the most part. I will leave and feel like shit. You. Tell yourself it is not you they are not thinking such things but unless you hear it from them it is hard to shake it.

But I’m not. I’ve been doing this too long to give up.

That is the thing. I have giving up on therapy a number of times over my life. And you know I have wanted to do just what you were describing. To simply say fuck it, I am done I can go back to stuffing things down. I think like you I have realized I can’t this time. I have a couple reason why i feel that way but I just know I can’t give up.

As you like to tell me, “you got this”.

 

[Scottie]

Hi. Wow I am sorry that your experience has been that bad. I am about to start therapy after denying needing it for most of my life. But now my life is spiraling and so I need to take the steps to control the feelings, intrusive thoughts, and the very things in my abused past tearing my current life apart. Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them. Scottie

 

[Georgie]

Best wishes and hugs from all of us, Scottie. Therapy can work wonders. Just be patient with it. Untangling the psychological knots can take time.

 

[Tele1]

Hi ISS,
I can so relate to this post. Ive been wanting to crawl back in my box. It will always be my safe place. Guess we both have to push through. It will get better

 

[Imstillstanding]

Thanks part I def needed that!

I understand how you feel. I often wish I could run away, run and never stop. I know that is not possible. One can run as far as they want and as fast as they want and they cannot run away from themselves nor the issues. They come right along with us. I am glad that you have the insight that you shared in your last paragraph. This too makes much sense. Take care.

You’re right… the demons follow no matter how far or fast we run! That’s the part that sucks the most! We just gotta keep moving best we can

How many time have you told me to stop that thinking. That I cannot just give up on therapy. If I can’t you cant


Again how many time have you told me that I am not a screw up, a failure, a looser and on and on. I get how we have that in us because either we were told that or compared to others. We jut felt it about ourselves and then mentally told up we were those things. I still struggle with it. It has lessened at times but it is still there. I think I just do not always share that here or with others.


This one as you know is a big one for me. I still feel those things a lot even today in chat over one simple thing but my mind went to the thought of I must be a bother. I still keep those to myself for the most part. I will leave and feel like shit. You. Tell yourself it is not you they are not thinking such things but unless you hear it from them it is hard to shake it.


That is the thing. I have giving up on therapy a number of times over my life. And you know I have wanted to do just what you were describing. To simply say fuck it, I am done I can go back to stuffing things down. I think like you I have realized I can’t this time. I have a couple reason why i feel that way but I just know I can’t give up.

As you like to tell me, “you got this”.

I for sure won’t give up on therapy! I will be making some changes I feel like. How I approach things here and such. It’s just better that way!

Well you aren’t a screw up! I mean you have a super successful career and a life! I on the other hand am still trying figure my shit out! It’s like comparing apples to melons on that one boo. But I do appreciate the insight on us taking on other peoples voices. I’ve don’t that! I do that. I am still doing that. Even projecting what I think you guys are thinking… gotta work on that!

Had a conversation today and feel like I got some answers about the chat stuff… Didn’t love them I’ll be honest. But at least I know I’m not completely insane and it’s not all in my head. I will adjust my approach. Already doing that based on some other stuff that’s been said anyway. I’ll be more on gaurd and have fewer expectations.

We def can’t give up! We are worth the effort!

Hi. Wow I am sorry that your experience has been that bad. I am about to start therapy after denying needing it for most of my life. But now my life is spiraling and so I need to take the steps to control the feelings, intrusive thoughts, and the very things in my abused past tearing my current life apart. Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them. Scottie

My experiences haven’t been awful… just hard and I want easy… if that makes sense! I am ready for something easy! I hope therapy helps you get all of that sorted I will be honest for me it’s come in cycles! I have good moments and they last longer and longer each time… and then these hard ones! But I always find my way out!

Hi ISS,
I can so relate to this post. Ive been wanting to crawl back in my box. It will always be my safe place. Guess we both have to push through. It will get better

It really is the safe space! For me… I hide in plain sight… so perform high work and pretend things are fine around people and force myself to go out and be around people… all while all I wanna do is lay down and sleep… that’s it! Just sleep! Only time I have peace. But I force myself to go through motions and pretend! I’m not gonna stop with therapy and I’ll try not to hide… though I prob will be more reserved. That’s best I got!

I know you’ve been going through a lot @Tele1 and I hope you get a break soon! I hope you’re taking time for you to take care of yourself too

 

[Curiouspaints]

That’s been my life! I know I’m a screw up. I was reminded constantly I was not as good as my brother. That he was the good one. I found a place for myself in the world… a place I felt comfortable. Sure it involved a lot of humor and being the “sweet but inappropriate one.” But evidently that’s not ok either.

Now I am just wanting to leave. I am not wanting to participate in talks, I’m wanting to hide from people, I’m leaving rooms/chats/etc. especially when I feel like I’m being judged or completely ignored. I know I don’t want to isolate… I want to just say fuck it and live life… I mean who cares if I’m only doing the hook ups for attention and to fill some emotional void? Who cares if I over extend myself with friends and family? They say they appreciate it and I get attention again which I kinda want! Who cares if I lean more into stuff that may technically not be the best for coping? If I’m not miserable or constantly feeling like I’m going to fall apart could it be worth it?!

So yes I wanna run! But I’m not. I’ve been doing this too long to give up. I’ve come too far to turn around. I’m down and upset and feeling alone and rejected. But those things won’t last. For now I will just awkwardly go through the motions. I know this will pass and I’ll feel better on the other side. Just sucks right now!

You where heard standing jr
one moment to the next at a time

 

[GaD3!]

Hi. Wow I am sorry that your experience has been that bad. I am about to start therapy after denying needing it for most of my life. But now my life is spiraling and so I need to take the steps to control the feelings, intrusive thoughts, and the very things in my abused past tearing my current life apart. Best wishes for all and hugs for those that want them. Scottie

I am glad to hear that you are getting into therapy. It won't be easy, but it is much better than allowing the past to wreak havoc in your life. Best wishes to you also my friend. I truly wish you peace and healing.