Judging ISS…

[Imstillstanding]

Hi guys! It’s been a while since I’ve been around. A lot has been going on. I got a new job I love. Had some trouble in a friendship which was super hard but is behind me. Between work and the end of a season (friendship issue) I kinda isolated. But I’m back!

And I have come to realize I am judging myself so harshly for so much! I mean from the abuse to little mistakes I make now. I went back reread my survivor story and even how I worded the situation with the daycare owner’s husband… it’s almost like I feel like I whored myself out at 4 to get out of trouble. It makes zero sense I know! Feeling like a whore as an adult is fine. But thinking of your kid self as whore hits different! How can I think of someone so young and who should be viewed so innocent like that…. Even looking at myself in this profile pic… I can see in my eyes I’ve lost it. But it’s a gut punch.

I also have realize how much I use sex to validate me. How I look, how I feel, etc. it’s like the only time I feel good about myself is during sex and right after… it doesn’t last long. But normally it def gives me a boost. And so when I’m really down I’ll search out as much as I can. With in reason (I live in super rural area so it limits options). Had a convo about this in chat and of course felt like shit after… I get it’s not great but it’s what I got! Since I was a kid, most of the times I felt picked or special was around being used for sexual gratification in some way. It’s what I know! Everyone’s good at something and it brings them comfort and joy… that just happened to be mine! Hate feeling judge about that! I mean even a coworker today said I give off total hoe vibes… it’s kinda just me! I’m a Blanche! I don’t mind what the coworker said… I just hate being called out!

ImStillStanding

 

[deedeeiny60]

ISS Standing judge yourself hate yourself shame yourself but I'll always be your friend!!! Love you a lot!!

 

[GaD3!]

It is good that you are back.I am glad to hear that you love your new job, that is important, so much time is spent at work.

Yes you are judging yourself harshly, it seems to be something very common amongst the brotherhood of survivors. Much easier to show another kindness, and compassion, but for oneself- hell no! I speak from personal experience.

You were not a whore as a child you were horribly violated and that has left deep wounds. I understand those feelings though- could say the same thing about myself- usually say much worse.

Try to be kind to yourself (of course easy for me to tell you that, not that I will follow that advice ), you don't deserve the harsh judgements, those belong to those who abused you. Take care.

 

[WreckedRick]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Give yourself the same grace understanding and nonjudgmental attitude you give others. you are a good person

 

[smc1972]

First know that no one is judging you in a negative way on using the words. I think for me it is seeing you in my eyes as hurting yourself. I get now as the adult you that you do use it like Blanche in a comedic way. You even have the southern accent and the quick witted humor . But is it always in that context? We are great at deflecting things.

You know as well as anyone here the level of self-hate and shame I put on myself. Like you mentioned we started putting that on us as kids. How you think k about the day care man and you feeling you did it to get out of trouble. I think in your little child mind you did think or feel that way at times. Starting at a young age, especially in the south. we were taught to; respect, obey, and not do anything to upset an adult. It was was engrained even for some beating into them. What is a kid suppose to think when abuse starts? They think it is their fault, they are dirty ones, bad kid and all that shit. We were kids little kids. So yeah i get it why you think or say that about the little you but its not true. The adults put that in the yours, mine and others kids head and they knew what they are doing.

Even today when those thoughts pop into my mind that I am stupid, bad, failure, worthless now and back when i was a child. I have force myself to stop and then correct myself by telling myself I am not. That I am and was a good person/child, i was and am not a loose, i was and am not stupid, i was not a failure then or now, etc. I hate that I have to tell myself to do that but they engrained the negative it in to us. I have gotten better with the negative thoughts, still happens but now it is a short period of thought versus at times hours if not days.

As you all ways tell me, “you got this”.

 

[Imstillstanding]

Thank you guys for the kind words! I appreciate them! I am still trying to deal with this… working with my t… she had me work with her to draw out a diagram of my younger selves. Then I had to explain why everyone hates everyone! That brought up so much!!!

What I did!!!

Was having a convo with my coda sponsor talking about the abuse that happened when I was four. And I literally started to say, “well with what I did..” I caught myself. I started to cry! It literally just rolled right off my tongue. That’s what I think. About all of it! It’s what I did! What I caused! It was me… I agreed to it, I tempted them, I went after some of them… it is insane to me that I think that… that I feel that… that I causal call the abuse/molestation/eve rape of a little boy sex! Drives me crazy!