What one thing convinces you...

[Jack1]

Since my memories of abuse came back to me after dissociating for many years I tried hard to deny that it really happened. My T said this doubt is a way our sub conscience protects us from memories that are painful. I now know without a doubt that the things I remember were absolutely true. There were a few things that made me realize that it did certainly happen but one things stands out as proof positive.

I have numerous memories of childhood sexual abuse involving incest, trafficking and initiating pleasurable sex with various men and other boys, both oral and anal. The one that I can clearly remember like it was yesterday is not so dramatic but that seems to be indelibly etched in my memory is being made to drink a small glass of warm cum. Five or six older boys masturbated into a glass and I was required to drink it. I was about ten at the time and hadn't even reached puberty. I remember looking at the glass full of semen and wondering if I could do it. Then after my brother told me it would make my penis and pubic hair grow and I would also be able to make cum, I took the glass and to cheers from the boys, I swallowed the entire contents. That is so real to me even today after over sixty years.

Do you have a memory too that proves to you that your memories are real.

 

[allowmeauser]

I also struggle with doubt all the time, usually when I am feeling depressed.

 

[StoneBoy]

I remember most of my abuse

 

[Georgie]

I remember it, although I sometimes wonder why I've had a tremendous fear of water as far back as I can remember (and my memories go back very far; I remember crawling). My terrible relationship with my mother makes me wonder (this is pure speculation) if she might not have tried to drown me when I was a baby. I find it hard to believe anyone is born with specific fears.

 

[LittleSteve]

I struggled with doubt for a long time, if you read my stories, you can understand why it was so horrifying. It’s like how could this be true. In reality, I guess I would’ve felt better if it was a figment of my imagination or my mind made it up, but the problem is 1000 things lined up my acting out sexually at age 4, the detail of my memories, adult level recall of everything that happened during that time that dozens and dozens of somatic replays I’ve had we not only do the images come through in the feelings, but the physical sensations that lead me drained, leave my muscles sore for hours needing ice packs the tremendous release of emotion, the love I felt for Sherman even while he was hurting me the congruence of my suppressed memories with my regular memories that I’ve always had access to and remembered many of them good. One of the other key things is my fantasies and fetishes throughout my life. Every single one of them was created by what happened to me, all of them I never knew the source, and this explained every single one of them. I think this is one of the key things that locked it in for me. Why fetishes baseball bats, it was in an instrument of torture in death that was on display every time I was at uncle Bill‘s. In my regular memories, I can see it sitting there by the front door. I didn’t know what it meant to my regular memories, now I do. If you’ve read my stories, you know how horrible it was, and why I was so resistant, but after about five months and I’ve stopped asking my therapist and just come to accept the fact that all of this is real, I went through all of it I survived it. And made the doubt wasn’t so much whether it happened. It’s that I wish I never did happen and there was another explanation no matter what it was. I was ready to latch onto any explanation that would explain way having to have lived through this. Unfortunately, there isn’t any Everything lined up all of it every single piece. So I finally gotten into a place of acceptance and realized this really did happen, I suffered at all.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I think I remember everything, or most everything. My abuser always did the same things, in the same order, every time for 5 years, so remembering things isn't too difficult. But my memories have changed a little bit as I remembered more things and more detail, so I guess my book is still being written.

 

[KevinGKG]

My sister and I both experienced abuse by our mother and some of her boyfriends. So I've been able to confirm some of my memories of those times in conversation with my sister. We were co-victims and at times participants in a way. Sometimes our memories or perspectives diverge, I tend to trust those recollections much less.
My mothers is still alive. I don't interact with her very often, but when I have I can still catch some of her manipulative behaviors. The very few things she has acknowledged were things that I am not proud of, but clearly happened. I feel that she brought some of those things up a few times in private conversation as a means to exert control. So, her behavior in those situations/conversations confirms some of those experiences for me.

 

[the-part-that-stayed]

Letting my weight down on his cock is one of several physical memories that refuse to be dismissed. My list of anchor memories is growing. It used to be anchors from long term recall like getting wiped while standing in the bathroom. My mind didn't push it away because it seemed innocent enough at first I guess. But recently I have anchors inside the abuse now. It's unpleasant but it helps when the doubt creeps in.

 

[George]

I always remembered the abuse, but... and it's a huge BUT, My young mind cobbled up a coping mechanism of denial that it, it didn't mean anything, it didn't change anything, and I'm not a victim. My young mind also shelved away some other things, like my early attempts at acting out, but came back once I started dealing with the csa issues.
What triggered my csa healing journey for me was stumbling onto a survivors personal story (me looking to get off), and then as he was telling his story, alarm bells were going off in my head, that everything he felt I was feeling, all the shame, hurts, pain & fears that I was secretly dealing with too. My denials came tumbling down that day, I had to admit that it changed everything, It meant something huge, that I indeed was a victim.

 

[KevinGKG]

My young mind also shelved away some other things, like my early attempts at acting out, but came back once I started dealing with the csa issues.

This was something that I really grappled with in my late teens and early 20s... Seeking out partners and relationships that were not healthy. Finally confronting the "why" around many of the things I did in my 30s..

 

[GaD3!]

The worse of my abuse was ritual abuse so there was the sexual abuse which in itself was bad, they were brutal and cruel, but then there was the horror of the other things they did and I was forced to do. Like a horror movie, but in real life. In order to survive I dissociated so much of it not clear memories until I started doing EMDR. I always had partial memories of things, which by themselves did not make much sense. There were dreams along with bodily sensations ( somatic memories). Thoughts/ feelings along with hypersexual behavior as a child, along with other issues. Quite frankly everything was a mess.

I started cracking up in my 20's but I had no idea what was happening. I had never heard of therapy etc.. Finally at age 48 I knew I could not hold on any longer and I desperately needed help. I was finally able to get into therapy and then the pieces of the puzzle started to come together. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I questioned everything INTENSELY. I asked the T repeatedly if I were not crazy or making it all up or suffering from a mental health issue. He always told me I could not make that stuff up and that my story never changed and that if I were making things up he would have caught it. Also that I was not suffering from some type of menta illness. One day, he told me "You see all that shit on the wall?" referring to his diplomas and certifications- "doesn't that mean anything?" He was joking, but he got the point across- he was well trained and had many years of experience. If I was making all of this up, or mentally ill, he had the training and experience to pick it out. He was observant and picked things out quickly. I finally came to the conclusion I was either completely insane, which he said I was not, or that it was true. I also worked with another individual who dealt with this type of issue. He also had not doubts. Also I prayed about all this and repeatedly asked it what my mind was revealing was true- the answer always was-"Yes it is true- all of it.

Along with all of that from what have been told by those I mentioned, I have thought about this logically. I have struggled greatly with all of this and I still do, I rarely talk about it and certainly am not looking for attention or sympathy so how or why would I be making all this up? Details and new pieces of memory are still surfacing and they all fit together like pieces of a huge jigsaw puzzle. Certainly not what I want, or would have chosen, but it was not my chose. I apologize for the long reply.

 

[the-part-that-stayed]

The worse of my abuse was ritual abuse so there was the sexual abuse which in itself was bad, they were brutal and cruel, but then there was the horror of the other things they did and I was forced to do. Like a horror movie, but in real life. In order to survive I dissociated so much of it not clear memories until I started doing EMDR. I always had partial memories of things, which by themselves did not make much sense. There were dreams along with bodily sensations ( somatic memories). Thoughts/ feelings along with hypersexual behavior as a child, along with other issues. Quite frankly everything was a mess.

I started cracking up in my 20's but I had no idea what was happening. I had never heard of therapy etc.. Finally at age 48 I knew I could not hold on any longer and I desperately needed help. I was finally able to get into therapy and then the pieces of the puzzle started to come together. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I questioned everything INTENSELY. I asked the T repeatedly if I were not crazy or making it all up or suffering from a mental health issue. He always told me I could not make that stuff up and that my story never changed and that if I were making things up he would have caught it. Also that I was not suffering from some type of menta illness. One day, he told me "You see all that shit on the wall?" referring to his diplomas and certifications- "doesn't that mean anything?" He was joking, but he got the point across- he was well trained and had many years of experience. If I was making all of this up, or mentally ill, he had the training and experience to pick it out. He was observant and picked things out quickly. I finally came to the conclusion I was either completely insane, which he said I was not, or that it was true. I also worked with another individual who dealt with this type of issue. He also had not doubts. Also I prayed about all this and repeatedly asked it what my mind was revealing was true- the answer always was-"Yes it is true- all of it.

Along with all of that from what have been told by those I mentioned, I have thought about this logically. I have struggled greatly with all of this and I still do, I rarely talk about it and certainly am not looking for attention or sympathy so how or why would I be making all this up? Details and new pieces of memory are still surfacing and they all fit together like pieces of a huge jigsaw puzzle. Certainly not what I want, or would have chosen, but it was not my chose. I apologize for the long reply.

I also prayed and received a clear yes. I don't always feel an answer to every prayer but this one keeps coming back yes. I even tried making up a fictional story in my head to see how it felt and it was totally different than the memories. It felt like a different network of logic and planning had to be activated and work together to come up with a coherent story.

 

[Youngtrumpet]

The worse of my abuse was ritual abuse so there was the sexual abuse which in itself was bad, they were brutal and cruel, but then there was the horror of the other things they did and I was forced to do. Like a horror movie, but in real life. In order to survive I dissociated so much of it not clear memories until

When I read your first line I could feel myself start to dissociate and get a heavy feeling. After needing a nap I am able to respond.

While the things I did and experiences I had during parts of abuse has been hard to deal with - the ritual abuse parts are so deep and difficult i can’t let myself accept it. I also suffer thinking I am making it up. But as you describe my therapist is more sure than I about it. All the pieces of the puzzle fit.

Ritual abuse at least for me has given me a whole different level of issues to deal with.

 

[GaD3!]

Ritual abuse at least for me has given me a whole different level of issues to deal with.

Yes, I understand completely. Take good care.

 

[JC1]

If I had to single out one event that convinced me more than others, it would be my rape by my older brother and a cousin, together. I was barely seven, but this was the memory that came back before any of the others that followed, after decades of knowing nothing. That memory began with vivid nightmares. I then remembered every detail, especially of course the acts themselves, particularly the physical pain and the aftermath. There could be no doubt. Many other incidents followed, and maybe it is different for everyone, but they included names, faces, location, etc in detail. I will say that there are a few that came to mind that in fact I do wonder about, because they are inconsistent with the others.

 

[Induna]

When I remembered being raped at 10 years old for the first when I was 59 years old I knew it was true for a few reasons:

• It was a body memory — my body reacted strongly. I shook. I cried. I heard his voice. It was like no memory I had ever had.
• I changed immediately afterwards — I remembered and felt things I never had before. The world looked different. Depth returned, if that makes any sense. I was no longer just on the surface of things.
• I became a better person — I was nicer, more open, more authentic. I was happier and more hopeful.

None of that is to say it was a positive experience. It wasn’t. It was terrible. The aftermath was also very hard because I simply couldn’t be the same anymore. That affected other people in my life, but there was nothing I could do about that without giving up.

I was living in North Carolina during the Eden Country Day School trial. This was one of the big “Recovered memory” scandals so I was prone to doubt. In addition my family was a bunch of liars and we were all continuously “gaslighted” about what we had experienced and what happened. I was wired for doubt, but that moment of recall just blasted through all of that. It was a real gift. Terrible but freeing. Gracias a dios.

 

[nerograves]

I distinctly remember the abuse with the camera involved, but the others are still a hodgepodge mess. My body freezing and the massive discomfort I feel getting a picture taken along with the anxiety and heaviness made me confused for years. I struggle with constant doubt on the other times of abuse. Though my abrupt mood shifts at certain things and the constant dreams with the same theme, plus bits of memory, I still doubt parts.

It took me about 12-14 years to recall the first sexual abuse. It was that along with the instant physical/emotional response. Before that, I just had knee-jerk fear of cameras and having my picture taken, which I don't remember having a fear of when I was 5 through 7. But in my twenties my moods got worse, and I began to hurt myself and lash out. Things finally fell apart when I was in a college class and disassociated. My friend got worried because they said I just stared blank at a wall for couple minutes. It was only after I spoke to my T and in an online support group that I remembered I was abused and then got pictures taken of me before and after the it. My abuser called me "beautiful" and other boys something similar, which might be part of the reason I have a bad self image concept. I still get bits of memory here and there but body memory and emotional memory along with the memory of the pictures taken that convinced me.

 

[nerograves]

It was a body memory — my body reacted strongly. I shook. I cried. I heard his voice. It was like no memory I had ever had.

Definitely, the body response, strong emotion, and the the body remembering the feeling of the abuser near you I understand. The memory was nothing like others I had. I felt like a kid again. Glad you're doing okay.

 

[TJ jeff]

For many years I was envious of guys here who had forgotten what had happened to them - for me it seemed to be burned into my brain - but then there was what happened in JP's basement - a simple comment about a "scar" brought it flooding back into memory after my mind had locked it away for over 30 years - I think the difference for me in remembering or not remembering was that the things with my uncle and mother started slowly and built over time and what happened with JP was instantly scarey in a life or death sort of way so my mind just locked it away

 

[HavingHope2]

I only had fragmentary memories at first and didn't know what they meant or if they were truly real. When I got into 6th grade health class, I asked some "sneaky" questions to the teacher and she confirmed that, yes, old men could have grey pubic hair. That was when I knew the memories were real, because I'd had memories of something I could not have known about otherwise.

Once I knew it was real, I clearly remember that my strongest feeling was disappointment. I felt let down that something bad and dirty had happened to me and didn't want anyone else to know.