seeking connection and being disconnected
seeking connection and being disconnected
- Thread starter.aseity
- Start date
yes @Silly i see that in myself as well. I've also been this way for as far back as i can recall. my therapist points it out as a common thread at any age we are focused on. i show this deeply rooted need to be close to someone, and a deeply rooted need to be completely alone. conflict of interest i suppose as i toil in contradiction. perhaps if i can get to the root of both these needs i could manage them. as for now it is still an issue i can't control.
@JC1 for me, i have this craving for lonliness. that's difficult to justify. when i was young it felt right like it just made perfect sense to be alone. could be detachment. escapism.
it was very similar for me that i was captive by my mom and had beliefs of dependency and loyalty forced upon me. to question the abuse or neglect was to make myself an enemy, or more accurately a defenseless victim. i could seek safety in favor through devotion. without her i was unloved and unwanted, and so i clung to her until i was utterly broken. through that brokenness i was free to let go. out of control.
many experiences such as being shunned and outcasted by entire communities encouraged my behavior to be alone.
the attachment style i had with my mother hadn't gone away. i latched onto someone else after. my oldest sister's boyfriend. the same unquestionable devotion. many times i have wondered if my personality of being similar to that of a servant encouraged others to employ the deeper sides of their narcissism. awakening that. empowering that. in an unspoken way.
the 2nd time i had broken away, i fled and it lead me across the country to stay with a friend. i latched onto her as well. bit of an unhealthy pattern. i spent my time following her around or dwelling in the bedroom alone. it developed into a relationship and became a marriage. like for you, she lead and i followed. i agreed to wed and have children. i think part of me reserved some belief that everything would be fixed as result.
however, i discovered that i lack foundation. outside my roles of husband and father i dont know who i am or what to do with myself. i was a nobody before. i have purpose in my life now and committed to my wife and children. doing my best to be the man they need. i do not make time for personal interests, hobbies or friends. at most i visit this forum in my own time, and i can have space for all the shit i shield from my family.
i get vulnerable here. i get close to others here. and as reaction to getting close i shut down. to be blunt, i abandon the closeness. even when i worry it will hurt another, i seize up, even when it hurts to be this way i don't know how to stay connected.
a recent example is with passed member leith. he was in the hospital dying. we would talk for awhile, days, weeks. then i go through this phase of being unable to put thoughts into words or even small talk. he got worse and we switch to off site communications. sometimes i was able to engage with ease, other times i would have to force myself to write something, anything. then there were times i just couldn't do it. then when he passed i stayed isolated. feeling guilty at times that i wasn't there enough. --the communication app we used had this function to schedule messages. months afterwards i got messages from him on my birthday. that was bittersweet. it is hard to be close to others.
@Blessedcurse thank you for that! your message is very reassuring and honest. a lot of the disconnect is within myself and i can be too stuck in my head at times. i had time to consider what you've said. i would like to keep striving to be able to reach out and connect,of being close without fleeing, and being consistent. thank you
@Resurgam i identify with you and have been putting effort into these areas of myself. my flaws and failures help guide me into improvement. it can also seem like an unending source of problems the further i dig. for awhile i thought a solution to isolation was to get myself to interact with others, not considering the affect or consequences of pushing myself. i try. i learn. im still trying and learning. and im grateful that i am able to share these issues here now and find solidarity . i hope some day to be capable of being the sort of man who doesn't neglect relationships to deteriorate. and i know this is a forum, not everyone connect needs to lead into some lifelong friendship. i have become friends with a number of men here, and that means something to me. time will tell what im made of.
@MSUser2024 i am at a loss for words. the betrayal and deceit is massive. im sorry, thank you for sharing that. i appreciate getting to know more of your life. i like to be understanding. trust is obliterated after something like that... i level with you on short lived acquaintances at work. i generally got along with everyone when i worked. i worked hard and treated others well, but there's always gonna be people out there who hate for no apparent reason. in a way, people who outright disliked me were easier to know. i could trust in the predictability that they simply didn't like me, no 2 face shit, and as long as we both made sure the job was done we had a mutual grounds for respect.
thank you everyone, these discussions are helpful to me.
@JC1 for me, i have this craving for lonliness. that's difficult to justify. when i was young it felt right like it just made perfect sense to be alone. could be detachment. escapism.
it was very similar for me that i was captive by my mom and had beliefs of dependency and loyalty forced upon me. to question the abuse or neglect was to make myself an enemy, or more accurately a defenseless victim. i could seek safety in favor through devotion. without her i was unloved and unwanted, and so i clung to her until i was utterly broken. through that brokenness i was free to let go. out of control.
many experiences such as being shunned and outcasted by entire communities encouraged my behavior to be alone.
the attachment style i had with my mother hadn't gone away. i latched onto someone else after. my oldest sister's boyfriend. the same unquestionable devotion. many times i have wondered if my personality of being similar to that of a servant encouraged others to employ the deeper sides of their narcissism. awakening that. empowering that. in an unspoken way.
the 2nd time i had broken away, i fled and it lead me across the country to stay with a friend. i latched onto her as well. bit of an unhealthy pattern. i spent my time following her around or dwelling in the bedroom alone. it developed into a relationship and became a marriage. like for you, she lead and i followed. i agreed to wed and have children. i think part of me reserved some belief that everything would be fixed as result.
however, i discovered that i lack foundation. outside my roles of husband and father i dont know who i am or what to do with myself. i was a nobody before. i have purpose in my life now and committed to my wife and children. doing my best to be the man they need. i do not make time for personal interests, hobbies or friends. at most i visit this forum in my own time, and i can have space for all the shit i shield from my family.
i get vulnerable here. i get close to others here. and as reaction to getting close i shut down. to be blunt, i abandon the closeness. even when i worry it will hurt another, i seize up, even when it hurts to be this way i don't know how to stay connected.
a recent example is with passed member leith. he was in the hospital dying. we would talk for awhile, days, weeks. then i go through this phase of being unable to put thoughts into words or even small talk. he got worse and we switch to off site communications. sometimes i was able to engage with ease, other times i would have to force myself to write something, anything. then there were times i just couldn't do it. then when he passed i stayed isolated. feeling guilty at times that i wasn't there enough. --the communication app we used had this function to schedule messages. months afterwards i got messages from him on my birthday. that was bittersweet. it is hard to be close to others.
@Blessedcurse thank you for that! your message is very reassuring and honest. a lot of the disconnect is within myself and i can be too stuck in my head at times. i had time to consider what you've said. i would like to keep striving to be able to reach out and connect,of being close without fleeing, and being consistent. thank you
@Resurgam i identify with you and have been putting effort into these areas of myself. my flaws and failures help guide me into improvement. it can also seem like an unending source of problems the further i dig. for awhile i thought a solution to isolation was to get myself to interact with others, not considering the affect or consequences of pushing myself. i try. i learn. im still trying and learning. and im grateful that i am able to share these issues here now and find solidarity . i hope some day to be capable of being the sort of man who doesn't neglect relationships to deteriorate. and i know this is a forum, not everyone connect needs to lead into some lifelong friendship. i have become friends with a number of men here, and that means something to me. time will tell what im made of.
@MSUser2024 i am at a loss for words. the betrayal and deceit is massive. im sorry, thank you for sharing that. i appreciate getting to know more of your life. i like to be understanding. trust is obliterated after something like that... i level with you on short lived acquaintances at work. i generally got along with everyone when i worked. i worked hard and treated others well, but there's always gonna be people out there who hate for no apparent reason. in a way, people who outright disliked me were easier to know. i could trust in the predictability that they simply didn't like me, no 2 face shit, and as long as we both made sure the job was done we had a mutual grounds for respect.
thank you everyone, these discussions are helpful to me.
, hope to see you online Sunday
more thought into this. i just have a low threshold to connect socially. i can either talk about shit in my past, or odds and ends about my marriage or being a father. in this community i can talk about the shit in my past but beyond that i don't have much to add. i do try so that's good. i just have limitations. i dont know how to be normal guy, that's an act.
Well my job was too basically fire everyone there and install a new staff and system. I wasn’t liked much , don’t know if I was feared or respected. I guess it depends on who you ask.
I agree! How’s the weather? Is about as good as I can do socially. I also have a disconnect when it comes to MS . I too can talk about the bad shit here . But rarely say anything about good things going on in my life, kids stuff, or regular stuff. Whatever that may beat the moment. I guess I feel like any relationship here is like a trauma bonding or something. As for me I’m not sure that’s all together healthy. I will never be a normal guy either. Peace and groovy mojo’s. Billy
This resonated with me. I feel like I don't relate well socially. And often here I feel like there only things I can talk about are abuse related, or maybe family. And I get the part about not knowing how to just be a normal guy... Whatever that is.
