Internal Reality Letter
Reflecting on posts and responses about masculinity, what am I looking for, relationship (friends, family, partners) struggles, etc somehow made me think of this letter I read that was written to a partner. I added and changed parts of it. It could be modified to fit almost any relationship. This touches on something deep inside that is tough to admit and share, but describes it very well.
"I know I don't say much. But the truth is... I've felt almost nothing. (Or when i would feel deeply I would be too afraid to express it) Not because I don't care, but because it was never safe to feel. I learned to survive by staying numb or hiding my feelings. Maybe that's the real problem. When I met you, something in me softened, but also something panicked. Because I saw your heart wide open & mine still hiding behind walls I built as a boy. (I wasn't aware it was like this in the past) You came close & all I wanted was to stay (and be closer to you). But I didn't know how (It would make me feel afraid and unsafe). Because intimacy brings emotions & emotions were never allowed (ignored, or punished) growing up. You leaned on me, hoping I could hold you. But I was still learning to hold myself. When you needed reassurance, I pulled away. Not to punish you, but to protect myself. Because every time you came close, I felt a flood of emotions I never learned how to handle. (I craved closeness but it was too overwhelmingly scary to show in any way at times) I know you want closeness. I know your critiques & complaints are really just ways of saying "I need to feel you. I need to know you're here." But when you come on strong, I shut down and freeze. I feel like I'm drowning in expectations I never learned how to meet. When you say I don't care, it cuts deep. Because I care more than I show. But I've been wearing armor so long, I never learned what safety felt like in love. (Or any vulnerable intimate connection on any level)(It did break through the armor for moments over the years). I learned mostly control or silence. (because it felt too scary and unsafe). So now when you speak your truth, I confuse it with being attacked. I retreat into myself, even when I want nothing more than to come closer. Sometimes, I punish you for the wounds someone else gave me & I hate that. I push you away because deep down I think that I don't deserve someone who stays or genuinely cares for me. Because if you really saw me, the scared little boy inside, you might not love what you find. When you complain, I hear "you're not enough" and the shame sends me spiraling. So I distance myself. Not because I want to lose you, but because I want to protect what's left of me (and protect the deeply wounded parts of me that feel deep pain and suffering). It's not an excuse. It's an explanation. It was never about you. It was about the parts of me I still haven't healed. l'm trying. I really am, but I'm scared (terrified at times). That's the part I need you to understand. I'm not running from you. I'm running from the parts of me I still don't know how to face. (Or trying to finally face).
This feels like the root of not having friends, not being close to any family, my relationship struggles, etc. This is the legacy of what they all did and taught to me. I'm learning to accept and change the best I can.
Maybe this is relatable, maybe not.
"I know I don't say much. But the truth is... I've felt almost nothing. (Or when i would feel deeply I would be too afraid to express it) Not because I don't care, but because it was never safe to feel. I learned to survive by staying numb or hiding my feelings. Maybe that's the real problem. When I met you, something in me softened, but also something panicked. Because I saw your heart wide open & mine still hiding behind walls I built as a boy. (I wasn't aware it was like this in the past) You came close & all I wanted was to stay (and be closer to you). But I didn't know how (It would make me feel afraid and unsafe). Because intimacy brings emotions & emotions were never allowed (ignored, or punished) growing up. You leaned on me, hoping I could hold you. But I was still learning to hold myself. When you needed reassurance, I pulled away. Not to punish you, but to protect myself. Because every time you came close, I felt a flood of emotions I never learned how to handle. (I craved closeness but it was too overwhelmingly scary to show in any way at times) I know you want closeness. I know your critiques & complaints are really just ways of saying "I need to feel you. I need to know you're here." But when you come on strong, I shut down and freeze. I feel like I'm drowning in expectations I never learned how to meet. When you say I don't care, it cuts deep. Because I care more than I show. But I've been wearing armor so long, I never learned what safety felt like in love. (Or any vulnerable intimate connection on any level)(It did break through the armor for moments over the years). I learned mostly control or silence. (because it felt too scary and unsafe). So now when you speak your truth, I confuse it with being attacked. I retreat into myself, even when I want nothing more than to come closer. Sometimes, I punish you for the wounds someone else gave me & I hate that. I push you away because deep down I think that I don't deserve someone who stays or genuinely cares for me. Because if you really saw me, the scared little boy inside, you might not love what you find. When you complain, I hear "you're not enough" and the shame sends me spiraling. So I distance myself. Not because I want to lose you, but because I want to protect what's left of me (and protect the deeply wounded parts of me that feel deep pain and suffering). It's not an excuse. It's an explanation. It was never about you. It was about the parts of me I still haven't healed. l'm trying. I really am, but I'm scared (terrified at times). That's the part I need you to understand. I'm not running from you. I'm running from the parts of me I still don't know how to face. (Or trying to finally face).
This feels like the root of not having friends, not being close to any family, my relationship struggles, etc. This is the legacy of what they all did and taught to me. I'm learning to accept and change the best I can.
Maybe this is relatable, maybe not.
