Abuse, Needs & Issues, Responses - as we Grow Up
As I am processing through things with my therapist, I got inspired a bit to do some self-analysis about something. Because, the last couple of weeks in therapy, I've heard myself saying these things:
I've peeled the layers and the ages of myself back over the last 5 years, and I've found myself landing on grief and loss as the youngest, root-est cause.
What follows is just my own reflection on how, over time and with developmental changes, these layers get put on top of each other. And for me, the result was that I was a functional adult - but also someone who was way more messed up than I ever would have guessed. Messed up by layer upon layer of trauma, resulting needs, resulting issues, and how I knew to respond to those things. At age 3, I had no ability to cognitively process anything - which is part of the reason this has been as hard as it is. But the last two weeks of therapy have been amazingly helpful, and I know I will get there.
A side note for those who read my previous posts: there will be a funeral for that "before-boy," and there will be effort to comfort for that "after-boy" as well, and also some loving but firm truth for the 8 and 13 year-olds inside. They have to have closure. They have to face the harsh and hard truth that they way they and we have pursued trying to avoid loss and resurrect that 3 yo "before boy" will never work. I just have to find a weekend to do it.
So, here's what I wrote out. The picture is helpful and is easier to read, but the text that follows gives more context and detail - including when and how some of the abuse played out.
- It's almost never just one thing... it's usually multiple things
- Human beings are complex people
- There are so many layers to all of us. We experience trauma, it creates needs and causes issues, and we respond how we can at the time
- Over time, growth, development, and time passes - and our needs and issues change, along with our responses
"Sheesh, man. Here's what I've figured out: yes - we are complex beings with many layers, and those layers typically got added on top of other layers - as we grow and age. So yes, trauma reenactment is real - for the reasons documented. It's one reason that acting out happens. Additionally, yes - there are all the internal body chemical reactions that help remove (for a short time) from other acting out (like porn, masturbation, fantasy). And that's another reason we do those things. But ultimately, for me, the true root cause is grief and grief-avoidance. And I would never have put this all together. Never. I've never heard anyone talk about it."
I've peeled the layers and the ages of myself back over the last 5 years, and I've found myself landing on grief and loss as the youngest, root-est cause.
What follows is just my own reflection on how, over time and with developmental changes, these layers get put on top of each other. And for me, the result was that I was a functional adult - but also someone who was way more messed up than I ever would have guessed. Messed up by layer upon layer of trauma, resulting needs, resulting issues, and how I knew to respond to those things. At age 3, I had no ability to cognitively process anything - which is part of the reason this has been as hard as it is. But the last two weeks of therapy have been amazingly helpful, and I know I will get there.
A side note for those who read my previous posts: there will be a funeral for that "before-boy," and there will be effort to comfort for that "after-boy" as well, and also some loving but firm truth for the 8 and 13 year-olds inside. They have to have closure. They have to face the harsh and hard truth that they way they and we have pursued trying to avoid loss and resurrect that 3 yo "before boy" will never work. I just have to find a weekend to do it.
So, here's what I wrote out. The picture is helpful and is easier to read, but the text that follows gives more context and detail - including when and how some of the abuse played out.
Abuse, Needs / Issues, & Responses through Developmental Changes
- Developmental Age(s) & Changes: 3 ½ years old
- Abuse: Age 3 ½ - first incident of childhood sexual abuse by a stranger, left with him by my father as my father silently left the room
- Issues:
- Loss of innocence, protection, affection, trust and healthy connection
- Extreme emotional confusion
- Betrayal
- Loss / death of the boy who was (carefree, playful, outgoing, friendly, trusting, exuberant)
- Needs:
- Protection
- Affection
- Healthy connection
- Comfort (from the big emotions)
- Responses:
- Comfort through masturbation (I have seen home videos in my crib showing I had already learned this SMH - embarrassing as a teenager when mom said to everyone watching, "We used to say he wriggled like a snake")
- Box up all of the losses and associated emotions – at 3 years old, I had no verbal capacity to cognitively process anything. Just emotions – and they were intolerable
- Developmental Age(s) & Changes: 5 years old – 12 years old. Developmental changes primarily followed what you usually see during those ages
- Abuse: Age 5 – first recalled incident of childhood sexual abuse by my father. It started through what should have been healthy affection: backrubs… that progressed to my butt… and then to my penis. Receiving oral followed. Those happened in my waking moments, and I remember them.
- There were also many, many nights I would go to bed hours before my parents and would lie awake (for hours) on nights my mom was out, or went to bed before my father, fearing he would come into my bedroom instead of his own. When he did, I would pretend to sleep and dissociated away. I know the room invasions happened many times, and more frequently than the waking incidents.
- I would say waking incidents happened 6-12 times a year through until I stopped it when I was 12. The sleeping incidents happened more frequently, but I couldn’t tell you how often. That went on until I was 13 – a night I awoke with him sitting on the floor next to me with his hand inside my underwear. Gross
- Issues:
- Further loss of trust
- Introduction of the concept, “I am not worth it!” (I wasn’t worth it for my father to stop doing what he was doing)
- Introduction of the concept, “My needs are most important” (because he excused what he did by telling me he had sexual needs, and my mother was not available for sex often enough)
- I cut off and boxed up the 3 ½ year-old “after-boy”
- Needs:
- Protection
- Affection
- Healthy connection
- Comfort
- Rescue from abuse
- I also needed the “before-boy” back. I longed to find him again… so I would never have to face the loss and grief that I’d put in a box
- I needed to reconnect with that 3 ½ year-old after-boy but didn’t know it
- Responses:
- Comfort through masturbation
- I suppressed my emotions as best I could through these years. My mother was a great teacher because this is what she did with her own childhood sexual abuse (I didn’t find out about her abuse until I was 17)
- I began looking to my peers:
- For protection, affection, healthy connection, rescue
- To find and connect with the “before-boy” – so I didn’t have to face the grief and loss. Even in 1st or 2nd grade I can look back and see that I looked for peers who exhibited the qualities of that 3 1/2 yo "before-boy"
- Abuse: Age 5 – first recalled incident of childhood sexual abuse by my father. It started through what should have been healthy affection: backrubs… that progressed to my butt… and then to my penis. Receiving oral followed. Those happened in my waking moments, and I remember them.
- Developmental Age(s) & Changes: 11 ½ years old. Puberty started
- Abuse: As stated above, my father’s abuse went on until I was 12 and the one incident when I was 13. So, it was still happening after puberty started
- Issues: Puberty brought a whole host of new feelings and confusion. I was still trying to resolve the unmet needs of younger ages, and I was still trying to find / resurrect the “before-boy” and avoid the loss and grief from when I was 3 years old. This loss and grief was buried deep and had no cognitive links to ever understand any of this because of being 3 years old when it happened. And because I was only 11 ½ years old.
- I tried to meet those same unmet needs I had all along, and I tried to find a peer who reminded me of the “before-boy” to try and “fix” what happened and avoid grief. But… puberty layered on top of those things sexuality and the sexual needs we all have at that age.
- This is when trauma reenactment became a way to try and meet all of those needs. Children don’t need puberty or hormones to reenact their trauma. But for me, pre-puberty, I always knew what happened to me was wrong, and I despised it (picture me at 9 years old saying to myself, “I will never be like my dad!!”). And then, puberty pushed me past my limits. So much shame
- I cut off and boxed up the 5-11 year-old boy when puberty started.
- Needs:
- Affection
- Connection
- Comfort
- I still needed the “before-boy” back. I found that I looked for friends with the same characteristics of that boy I was at age 3 ½ before the first abuse happened
- I needed to reconnect with that 5-11 year-old boy but didn’t know it
- Responses:
- Comfort through masturbation
- Mental fantasy started playing a role in my attempts to comfort all of this. Rescue fantasies were primary, but I had outright sexual fantasies as well (who didn't at that point in life?)
- I became a Jedi-Master of emotional suppression during these years
- I looked to my peers:
- For protection, affection, connection (any kind I could have)
- To find and connect with a “before-boy” – so I didn’t have to face the grief and loss
- Developmental Age(s) & Changes: 17 years old. I realized there was something “wrong” with me after I went on a double-date with my best friend and two girls – where sex was on the menu. I totally froze and had no arousal – and we were only kissing
- Abuse: No sexual abuse occurred after the one incident when I was 13 for the rest of my childhood / teens
- Issues: The same issues that started at 11 ½ continued through age 17. However, I started exploring girls in earnest during this age and dated a girl for a year and had a full host of feelings for her, including sexual feelings. But… she eventually dumped me (this was before the double-date)
- Serious confusion with my sexuality happened at this age. Additionally, when I pressed my father to get me counseling (after I finally told someone – a school counselor I loved and trusted – about the abuse), and my father told my mother what he had done (very high-level, of course)
- I was filled with guilt for making my mother feel like she did (that’s what I thought at the time: it was my fault). But… I was also determined to get help so I didn't let even the guilt keep me from pushing them both
- I was dealing with the consequences of abuse, I was the caretaker for my mother, and for my father (still) – even though I didn’t have to keep his secret anymore. Meaning… not only was my father not meeting any of my needs, but my mother was absent of almost any capacity to comfort or help me. She did take me to a therapist for a couple of months, but then she was the one who made it known she didn’t want me to go anymore and didn’t want me to talk about the abuse ever again.
- Naturally, anger became more of an issue at this time. Previously, I kept it very suppressed. And honestly, I didn’t externalize it aggressively. Instead, it was at this time I cut off both of them from my internal & emotional self. I remember when they grilled me with question about what I was talking about in therapy. I adamantly thought, “You had your chance! You both blew it. And I am not giving you any answers or any part of myself anymore. I’ll be so glad to go away to college soon.”
- I cut off and boxed up the 12-17 year-old boy when the abuse was no longer a secret
- Needs:
- Affection
- Connection
- Comfort
- I also still needed the “before-boy” back. I think the girl I dated may have been a survivor too. She was my unconscious answer to finding the “before-boy,” because she still had some of those characteristics. But then… she broke off our relationship for no apparent reason
- I needed to reconnect with that 12-17 year-old boy but didn’t know it
- Responses:
- Anger
- I began limiting myself emotionally (even more) with others – especially my parents
- I put the pursuit of relationships – especially with girls – mostly on hold
- I still comforted myself through masturbation, with the help of an occasionally alluring picture
- Fantasy continued to be a way to meet my needs and “connect” with the younger parts of myself and with the “before-boy”
- I was a full-fledged Jedi-Master of emotional suppression during these years
- I looked to my peers:
- For connection and friendship
- I still looked to younger kids:
- To find and connect with a “before-boy” – so I didn’t have to face the grief and loss
