*Triggers Possible* Returning Memories?

[lapchinj]

I always felt different because everyone I knew was circumsized.

Yeah, I was also the only one in my middle school that wasn't circumcised. I never heard if there was another kid in school that wasn't circumcised. I remember the first time my class saw me in the shower after PE. Some kid recognized what it was and I just called it my "dust cover" to keep the tip clean. I would pull the foreskin back and I could pee. As soon as I would let go peeing would stop, I told them it's a safety so the kid doesn't pee his bed at night. I showed them how it worked. Some of the kids wanted to try it, so I let them.

I remember him raping me in my bed at home. But in this incident I don't recall if he did. This is all I remember so far.

I'm sure in time you'll remember a lot more in time.

 

[Buster65]

I was a pretty sensitive kid. It may have been a comment or joke about it that made me feel bad. And i may have just interpreted as disappointment or being upset by it. I always felt different because everyone I knew was circumsized.

I remember him raping me in my bed at home. But in this incident I don't recall if he did. This is all I remember so far.

It's possible, unfortunately. I don't remember everything and it's possible they eased us into it. Maybe the photoshoot was the guise to get us undressed and move from there. There's still a lot that is unclear. It may all come back but we'll see. But I think I developed a fear or a strong distaste for men like my coach, especially as a kid. He was a rough redneck type. And a lot of body hair. I don't mean to offend anyone here that might fall into that category. It's just a very uneasy, unsafe feeling I get around them. I've met so many being from TX and they're mostly wonderful people. but there's always an on-guard feeling in me.

Hey Red, I was also a sensitive kid and one of 5 boys and the only one uncircumcised. Of course my brothers teased me about it and was always uncomfortable be exposed. I always felt different. When I grew up I learned to embrace my uncircumcised penis.( probably too much)Then I would tease them about their size because I was much bigger than all of them!

 

[TXRed]

Hey Red, I was also a sensitive kid and one of 5 boys and the only one uncircumcised. Of course my brothers teased me about it and was always uncomfortable be exposed. I always felt different. When I grew up I learned to embrace my uncircumcised penis.( probably too much)Then I would tease them about their size because I was much bigger than all of them!

I got teased for it too. If I had to be naked around other boys I would always pull my foreskin back so hopefully no one would notice. My friend (who talked me into a lot of sexual stuff) started calling me weasel because of how it looked. soon other kids joined in. It had more of an affect on me than you would think. He basically begged me for the sexual stuff and then would make fun of me later. A very weird power dynamic but it worked. I wish I could say I got bigger in the endowment department. Always bigger and taller than all my friends but stayed small in the pants. Oh well, it aint much but I think I'll keep it

 

[Silly]

Oh well, it aint much but I think I'll keep it

I embrace my "averageness" and it does all the stuff it's meant to do. Good on you Red!

 

[Jack1]

I embrace my "averageness" and it does all the stuff it's meant to do. Good on you Red!

I also embrace my averageness and occasionally my wife does too.

 

[Buster65]

I got teased for it too. If I had to be naked around other boys I would always pull my foreskin back so hopefully no one would notice. My friend (who talked me into a lot of sexual stuff) started calling me weasel because of how it looked. soon other kids joined in. It had more of an affect on me than you would think. He basically begged me for the sexual stuff and then would make fun of me later. A very weird power dynamic but it worked. I wish I could say I got bigger in the endowment department. Always bigger and taller than all my friends but stayed small in the pants. Oh well, it aint much but I think I'll keep it

I had boys call mine a turtle neck. Funny now but not back then. I was the opposite small
in stature and big in the pants. When I got a little older the stopped teasing because I could call the out on their short comings so to speak. Lol. I feel all my sexual abuse was people took advantage of me because of my size and that was my worth. I thought all the attention was because they loved me or cared about me but apparently not. The lack of love and affection at home made me fall for it whenever it was presented.

 

[TXRed]

I thought all the attention was because they loved me or cared about me but apparently not. The lack of love and affection at home made me fall for it whenever it was presented.

something I didn't mention in my recollection of the incident with my soccer coach was that my teammate was smiling/laughing in some of the stuff that was happening from my dad. Thinking about that it was like he was getting that affection and attention he didn't get from his grandad. Everything I remember about coach was rough and uncaring. (I didn't mention this either) The way his beard stubble scratched my inner thighs as he gave me oral. I think it was such a contrast to the way things were with dad. That may have been why I never sought this stuff out with other men. Why my separation anxiety from my dad was so overwhelming. He was "safe." Still trying to figure these things out.

 

[Jack1]

something I didn't mention in my recollection of the incident with my soccer coach was that my teammate was smiling/laughing in some of the stuff that was happening from my dad. Thinking about that it was like he was getting that affection and attention he didn't get from his grandad. Everything I remember about coach was rough and uncaring. (I didn't mention this either) The way his beard stubble scratched my inner thighs as he gave me oral. I think it was such a contrast to the way things were with dad. That may have been why I never sought this stuff out with other men. Why my separation anxiety from my dad was so overwhelming. He was "safe." Still trying to figure these things out.

One of the deepest most emotional posts I have read here.

 

[lapchinj]

I had boys call mine a turtle neck. Funny now but not back then

Mine wasn't called a turtle neck but a kid came up with things like I had a dust cover or I was trying to hide something that I didn't get.
I would tell him that he used it once and parts started falling off and now broken. We were going back and forth teasing each other. he finally got friendly when I asked him in the shower how the weather was up the block. He didn't eat lunch in school which he was supposed to but he was a rich kid so nobody said anything. After lunch period he would come back to school high as a kite. Ten minutes later the gym teacher came into school. The gym teacher had a lot of drugs and he would get a kid to come to his house up the block fill him with drugs to get him high then fiddle around with him and they would come back to school after lunch ten minutes apart. I know about these kids going to the gym teacher during lunch and coming back after lunch. I know because if I had no work after school then I went to the gym teacher's house for the night.

verything I remember about coach was rough and uncaring

I'm sure that the gym teacher in school was also nasty and uncaring with those kids. It seems that if the coach or teacher has power over the kid then he's able to asshole and make the kids he owns jump through hoops for their pleasure.

I was the opposite small
in stature and big in the pants.

I didn't hit puberty till I was 16. and I had small boy parts till well after I came home from the USAF. Nobody made fun of me or rape me which I was scared of happening when I went into the USAF. I always had a problem that my penis stuck straight out. It wasn't that big but it gave me the problem of tenting my pants. I couldn't wear tighty whities because we were given boxer shorts. So I would go around in basic training with a tent in my pants. When we would be on the obstacle course the TI (Training Instructor) would hassle me. He was having a fun time with my tent. He would ask me how am I going to crawl under the barbed wire without getting caught on the wire. Or if I'm in the field I shouldn't hide behind a tree because at a minimum I would get it shot off. After all, it sticks out and gives away my position.

I thought all the attention was because they loved me or cared about me but apparently not. The lack of love and affection at home made me fall for it whenever it was presented.

Abusers don't give a shit about any kid he's molesting because he knows that he owns that kid. They always have something on the kid that will keep his mouth shut. - Really sad, no love. Sometimes you will find an abuser that cares but he still knows that he owns you.

 

[TXRed]

One of the deepest most emotional posts I have read here.

(((@Jack1)))

 

[TXRed]

It wasn't that big but it gave me the problem of tenting my pants.

had this problem in gym shorts. I played basketball and forget my compression underwear in a couple games in high school. Had to tape it down so it didn't poke out. The tape didn't last though. My teammates got a kick out of it though. still even in compression underwear it tented. No one probably noticed but I had that "everyone's looking at it" feeling each time. taped my nipples too. stupid things couldn't wait to poke out.

 

[lapchinj]

That's too funny. I never had problems with my nipples just my penis. I never tried tape but I don't think it would stick anyway.
I wore pants without a zipper til I was 9 years old. When I had to pee I would pull down the front and the back would fall down. Pccxapasan bought me my bell-bottom dungarees that fit loose but not. snug. He gave me no belt so this way the pants would fall down below my hips and wouldn't fall past my junk. So it would show my stomach below my T-shirt or if there was no T-shirt. It would show my outie belly button. Everything was to lure customers but not to touch me. I never owned underpants. It was really embarrassing if I got an erection

 

[AltAppletree]

Sometimes you will find an abuser that cares but he still knows that he owns you.

Ah yes- my stepgrandparents for sure. There was always the understanding that if I told someone at school or made enough of a fuss it would be a disaster for our whole little family. Keeping my mouth shut was always in the background. Even though I genuinely had affection for them both I also knew that I must never tell anyone. (Because of course the things we did were wrong - abusive!)...

 

[Jack1]

Abusers don't give a shit about any kid he's molesting because he knows that he owns that kid. They always have something on the kid that will keep his mouth shut. - Really sad, no love. Sometimes you will find an abuser that cares but he still knows that he owns you.

The prison of self enforced secrecy

 

[lapchinj]

if I told someone at school or made enough of a fuss it would be a disaster for our whole little family.

Did you know that what you were doing was wrong? Basically what they said was that you were the only one that can cause the family any problems. Nobody else was going to say anything to anyone. Only you can cause this family problems, nobody else can.

Even though I genuinely had affection for them both I also knew that I must never tell anyone. (Because of course the things we did were wrong - abusive!).

did you know that what you were doing with them was wrong? You didn't know that you could go to the police. Not that back then they could or would do anything about it.

The prison of self enforced secrecy

Beautifully said

It was you that would be splitting up the family. You would lose their love and affection because you are the reason that they're having problems.

Basically they own you both. You cannot say anything otherwise you both could destroy the family

With my stepfamily I didn't know that I could go to the police, I was too young to know that. not that they could anything about what they were doing back then anyway. To me and their daughter, we were having a feel-good time. They could only make more trouble between you and the family. With me practically always staying by the neighbor I didn't see anything wrong. I watched them have sex at night and even during the day. There was a mirror on the ceiling to help me see what was going on. In the morning it was my turn to have sex with them. Their daughter and I took showers with the father and we got played with but it didn't hurt we were happy having things done to us. We could be sitting at the table eating lunch and either I or their daughter What was wrong with taking a bath with the mother? So she masturbated me? There was nothing wrong with either one of them fooling around with my foreskin, playing with my testicles or with my belly button. When she would press my belly button in I would feel it between my legs. All that felt good, there was no abuse. My stepparents abused me. At home with my stepparents, I was beaten and yelled at. I never took showers or baths with either of them. By my stepparents, my baths consisted of 4 inches of soon-to-be cold water for me to sit in. Having a bath together with their daughter and mother was fum/ The water was hot. Yeah, she fooled around with my privates but i enjoyed that feeling. She would also play with her daughter. I wasn't being hit or screamed at like I was at home. She was welcome to fool around with my junk all day long if she wanted to. It was OK by me. The daughter and I would take turns sleeping with the parents and watching them have sex together.

Forl me staying at he neighbors house was much nicer and loving than the beatings I got at home.

 

[Jack1]

my baths consisted of 4 inches of soon-to-be cold water for me to sit in.

How well I remember sitting in water, now cold, that my two brothers and my sister had already bathed in. Ugh! I now love my hot showers.

 

[lapchinj]

That sounds great. I didn't have any brothers or sisters for the water to get cold before I got in. I sat into a lukewarm bath of about 4" of water, no toys, no bubbles, and no soap. I had to wait for my stepmother to come in and wash me till I was 12-1/2. After 15-20 minutes it was like sitting in a puddle outside on a cold day. By the neighbor's house, it was nice. Her daughter and me had some time to play in the bath before the mother would join us/

 

[AltAppletree]

Forl me staying at he neighbors house was much nicer and loving than the beatings I got at home.

Yes this is completely understandable.

 

[Silly]

... taped my nipples too. stupid things couldn't wait to poke out

I seriously thought I was the only one with this issue... it's still a problem to this day and I get really self-conscious over it. I wonder if they may have been damaged by HIM. He used to give me hellacious titty-twisters (won't go into detail here), but yeah - it was bad. I wonder if could ever ask a doctor about this?

 

[TXRed]

Not sure if it could @Silly. But I can only imagine the degree to which he would go there, if you think it might have had a physical affect on you. I'm sorry brother.

He used to give me hellacious titty-twisters

Absolutely hate those. In high school a friend gave me one and it was like every bottled up emotion came out of me, and started angry crying. Felt like it just came out of nowhere. Like I was a little kid again feeling little kid emotions. It could have just been hormones but... It hadn't really clicked til just now, but the touching of my nipples has always been a trigger for me.

Fuck, that just unleashed a memory for me... another time.