*Triggers Possible* Returning Memories?

Triggers
*Triggers Possible* Returning Memories?
TXRed

TXRed

Registrant
I've had a rough time the last couple weeks. It started when I went through scanning a bunch of old family photos. One photo sent me into a memory rabbit hole. I've had flashes of being abused by my soccer coach alongside his grandson. That boy is in this photo. I've seen it before, but seeing it again had an affect on me. My mind kept going back to those flashes. Strangely, I think a little more came back. In these "memories" my dad is there too, participating. This led to one memory of a separate time where I am giving him oral, in his bed. And another of being groped from behind by an adult.

This has obviously been difficult to wrap my head around. I really want these to be false memories and nothing more than my imagination. But the more I try to debunk them the more they are making sense.

Trigger Warning:

In this memory my dad's penis is huge, but it would be through the eyes, hands, and mouth of a very young child. He didn't want me looking at him so I faced his feet during. This is tied to a body memory that was triggered a few months ago. I was laying in bed watching tv and reached behind my head to the headboard, feeling a part of it that felt phallic. I had been in that position before, facing away, playing with a penis. At a friends house when I was maybe 5 I found a fake rubber nose. I was convinced this was a fake penis. I argued with my friend about it and his dad overheard. I was adamant that this was a penis and said it looked like my dad's. He gave me a worried look and changed the subject. There's a few other signs pointing to these memories being legitimate and that just devastates me. I told my T about this and was hoping he'd tell me it's all in my head, that these are false memories. But instead urged me not to re-repress it, that this can happen when the abuse occurs at that age. I've felt sick to my stomach since these images have come to mind. The same way I felt as a kid, when I couldn't explain how or why I felt this way to mom or dad. I even broke down and got high a couple nights ago to numb it. In this state I laid down in the shower and let the water fall on my chest. I put my feet up on the tile and being stoned... in this position... I don't know... it was like I was reliving being raped... and I was numb then too.

This is all just so much. I haven't cried this much since my dad passed. I can manage to keep myself together around others but when i'm home alone... floodgates...
 
TXRed said:
I've had a rough time the last couple weeks. It started when I went through scanning a bunch of old family photos. One photo sent me into a memory rabbit hole. I've had flashes of being abused by my soccer coach alongside his grandson. That boy is in this photo. I've seen it before, but seeing it again had an affect on me. My mind kept going back to those flashes. Strangely, I think a little more came back. In these "memories" my dad is there too, participating. This led to one memory of a separate time where I am giving him oral, in his bed. And another of being groped from behind by an adult.

This has obviously been difficult to wrap my head around. I really want these to be false memories and nothing more than my imagination. But the more I try to debunk them the more they are making sense.

Trigger Warning:

In this memory my dad's penis is huge, but it would be through the eyes, hands, and mouth of a very young child. He didn't want me looking at him so I faced his feet during. This is tied to a body memory that was triggered a few months ago. I was laying in bed watching tv and reached behind my head to the headboard, feeling a part of it that felt phallic. I had been in that position before, facing away, playing with a penis. At a friends house when I was maybe 5 I found a fake rubber nose. I was convinced this was a fake penis. I argued with my friend about it and his dad overheard. I was adamant that this was a penis and said it looked like my dad's. He gave me a worried look and changed the subject. There's a few other signs pointing to these memories being legitimate and that just devastates me. I told my T about this and was hoping he'd tell me it's all in my head, that these are false memories. But instead urged me not to re-repress it, that this can happen when the abuse occurs at that age. I've felt sick to my stomach since these images have come to mind. The same way I felt as a kid, when I couldn't explain how or why I felt this way to mom or dad. I even broke down and got high a couple nights ago to numb it. In this state I laid down in the shower and let the water fall on my chest. I put my feet up on the tile and being stoned... in this position... I don't know... it was like I was reliving being raped... and I was numb then too.

This is all just so much. I haven't cried this much since my dad passed. I can manage to keep myself together around others but when i'm home alone... floodgates...
Click to expand...
TXRed

Memories can be troubling, they could be sending you a message of your past. CSA leaves us with memories, some have fragments, others full recollection and others suppress part or all of the memories. Many of these memories remain unprocessed as a child is not capable of understanding the damage CSA does to their well being and psychological well being. Memories have a tendency to surface by a trigger or just out of nowhere. For me, my memories were always with me. I was able to deny them until I no longer had control over the memories. They were disturbing and took over my life.

Have you been working with a therapist? Professional guidance helps to understand the memories and to regain your life. My T helped me to accept the truth of my abuse as well to help me to regain control my life.

Please me kind to yourself, you are beginning to face the past. Reach out here as you need and seek professional help.

Kevin
 
@TXRed This is a very delicate time. Be patient with yourself and try not to focus on the reality of what is coming back to you. Let yourself feel it without judgement. This is really hard. We can really do a number on ourselves when we flail around and try to get everything under control right away. If might also be helpful to calmly look at what's been happening in your life/inside you lately that might have brought you to the point where you are allowing these feelings to emerge.

Take care
 
KMCINVA said:
Have you been working with a therapist? Professional guidance helps to understand the memories and to regain your life. My T helped me to accept the truth of my abuse as well to help me to regain control my life.
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Yes I have been. I wish I had started much earlier but it's been good for me so far.
KMCINVA said:
Please me kind to yourself, you are beginning to face the past. Reach out here as you need and seek professional help.
Click to expand...
Thank you Kevin.
Induna said:
If might also be helpful to calmly look at what's been happening in your life/inside you lately that might have brought you to the point where you are allowing these feelings to emerge.
Click to expand...
This makes sense. A lot has happened in the last year where getting help has made it harder to ignore or numb everything like I always do. Thank you.
 
Tjred: take good care of yourself
Good you are seeking help from t.
You are so right I still have many flashbacks that even feel physical. Feelings like being raped again or being subjected again to my punishments. The feelings are awful so vivid. But again sometimes even those flashbacks I feel aroused sexualy and that bothers me more.
Those memories hount me.
Take care. Wish you could heal
 
Welcome home. Acceptance of the events and there affect come be very difficult. It's also necessary part of healing. I understand it doesn't feel like you can overcome this but I promise you can. I know because I did. Let it out. Don't fear feeling. You dwell on it for to long but you have let your self feel and mourn. Remember we're here for you.
 
TXRed said:
I've had a rough time the last couple weeks. It started when I went through scanning a bunch of old family photos. One photo sent me into a memory rabbit hole. I've had flashes of being abused by my soccer coach alongside his grandson. That boy is in this photo. I've seen it before, but seeing it again had an affect on me.
Click to expand...
(((( @TXRed ))) - Welcome Sorry you have to be here but happy you found us here at MS

Sounds like you're now being triggered by looking at that old photo. Or something else opened you up to be triggered by that photo. As you said you're in therapy so hopefully you'll be able to work through this sooner than later. It took me 37 years to fall in that rabbit hole. Now i'm in my 12th year trying to get out. I'm almost at the top tp get out. Ask your T if meds would help with your memories. Come here and ask questions and get involved, it will help tremendously listening tp guys here on MS and how they're approaching their rabbit hole issues. Your T might mention meds so you can control your emotions from your memories. A lot of times it takes a lot of time to be able to control your triggers or learn or be able to control your response to them. Either way you're safe here at MS.
 
A couple days ago I converted a few homemade videos from my childhood to MP4. (That itself was emotionally difficult) It turns out that part of my 6th birthday party was filmed. My soccer teammate is in the video and I learned his first name. Through some social media and some help from my local library I think I may have tracked him down. I’m debating messaging him but I don’t know how to go about asking him what he remembers. “Hey, how are you? Did my dad and your grandad ever rape us and make us do the same to each other?”

I can barely remember and I’m still not even sure it happened. I’m desperate to know but I don’t want to cause him to be reminded or send him into any kind of emotional turmoil. I’m also terrified of the answers he might have. What do I do? Has anyone contacted someone that was abused with you, years later?
 
TXRed said:
My soccer teammate is in the video and I learned his first name. Through some social media and some help from my local library I think I may have tracked him down. I’m debating messaging him but I don’t know how to go about asking him what he remembers. “
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I think at this point in your healing you should talk this over with your T before you contact anyone. He'll the best way to approach this contact with your former teammate. Go easy on revisiting old memories. Take it slow
 
lapchinj said:
I think at this point in your healing you should talk this over with your T before you contact anyone. He'll the best way to approach this contact with your former teammate. Go easy on revisiting old memories. Take it slow
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Definitely that. I tried to connect with a person that may have been abused with my to confirm some things, but respected that they didn't want to say anything about those years in general without confirming why they were traumatic.
 
lapchinj said:
I think at this point in your healing you should talk this over with your T before you contact anyone. He'll the best way to approach this contact with your former teammate. Go easy on revisiting old memories. Take it slow
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You’re right. It does feel like I’m getting caught up in a rush to uncover everything. I’ve had this hang over my head for 13 years when the first memories returned. I had wanted to find him then but was scared and confused. So the answer to the question of its legitimacy hasn’t been as close as it is now. And now that my dad is looking to be apart of this, I guess my desire for closure and recovery has ramped up.

I did talk with my T about contacting others who might have some info. Someone that knew my dad in a pastoral sense (maybe he confessed) and another soccer teammate who I knew later in life (the signs of CSA symptoms in him were almost exactly like mine, down to soiling himself up till the age of 12). He encouraged me reaching out to help in my healing. But in a way that isn’t trauma dumping onto them. I haven’t told him about finding the boy from my memory yet though.
 
TXRed said:
You’re right. It does feel like I’m getting caught up in a rush to uncover everything. I’ve had this hang over my head for 13 years when the first memories returned.
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You'll find a mix choices here on MS. Some guys go and contact their abuser. Some take them to court. Some are not interested, Some fear contacting their abuser because of fear. I fit into this last category.

Since you did talk it over with your T and he/she said that it will help in your healing journey. Then you have to make the decision on what to do. If you do contact your abuser or a friend that was abused with you, you might be highly successful in what you want to find out. Sometimes It's like opening a Pandora's Box. Once you open the box you can never close it. I would never contradict you T. Whichever you choose to do we're here in case you need some help.
 
A little more came back to me today. The sound of door knocker style handles clacking repeatedly on my mom’s dresser, a feeling of something wiggling in my butt, thinking it feels like a worm, climbing into their bed because I couldn’t sleep, mom being out of town that night. It’s feels surreal and almost vivid.

I already have the memory fragments of giving oral to him at night in his bed and really hating the texture of Vaseline. I guess it’s more of the pieces falling into place.
 
TXRed said:
A couple days ago I converted a few homemade videos from my childhood to MP4. (That itself was emotionally difficult) It turns out that part of my 6th birthday party was filmed. My soccer teammate is in the video and I learned his first name. Through some social media and some help from my local library I think I may have tracked him down. I’m debating messaging him but I don’t know how to go about asking him what he remembers. “Hey, how are you? Did my dad and your grandad ever rape us and make us do the same to each other?”

I can barely remember and I’m still not even sure it happened. I’m desperate to know but I don’t want to cause him to be reminded or send him into any kind of emotional turmoil. I’m also terrified of the answers he might have. What do I do? Has anyone contacted someone that was abused with you, years later?
Click to expand...
I understand your desire to reach out and ask questions, but I would highly recommend against doing so. At least not at this time. It is all too raw right now. You have no idea how he may react, and you may be opening yourself up for more emotional pain, which you do not need right now.
 
TXRed said:
I've had a rough time the last couple weeks. It started when I went through scanning a bunch of old family photos. One photo sent me into a memory rabbit hole. I've had flashes of being abused by my soccer coach alongside his grandson. That boy is in this photo. I've seen it before, but seeing it again had an affect on me. My mind kept going back to those flashes. Strangely, I think a little more came back. In these "memories" my dad is there too, participating. This led to one memory of a separate time where I am giving him oral, in his bed. And another of being groped from behind by an adult.

This has obviously been difficult to wrap my head around. I really want these to be false memories and nothing more than my imagination. But the more I try to debunk them the more they are making sense.

Trigger Warning:

In this memory my dad's penis is huge, but it would be through the eyes, hands, and mouth of a very young child. He didn't want me looking at him so I faced his feet during. This is tied to a body memory that was triggered a few months ago. I was laying in bed watching tv and reached behind my head to the headboard, feeling a part of it that felt phallic. I had been in that position before, facing away, playing with a penis. At a friends house when I was maybe 5 I found a fake rubber nose. I was convinced this was a fake penis. I argued with my friend about it and his dad overheard. I was adamant that this was a penis and said it looked like my dad's. He gave me a worried look and changed the subject. There's a few other signs pointing to these memories being legitimate and that just devastates me. I told my T about this and was hoping he'd tell me it's all in my head, that these are false memories. But instead urged me not to re-repress it, that this can happen when the abuse occurs at that age. I've felt sick to my stomach since these images have come to mind. The same way I felt as a kid, when I couldn't explain how or why I felt this way to mom or dad. I even broke down and got high a couple nights ago to numb it. In this state I laid down in the shower and let the water fall on my chest. I put my feet up on the tile and being stoned... in this position... I don't know... it was like I was reliving being raped... and I was numb then too.

This is all just so much. I haven't cried this much since my dad passed. I can manage to keep myself together around others but when i'm home alone... floodgates...
Click to expand...
I too have experienced the "memory rabbit hole" in reality many times. Recently it was tomato sauce- while cooking, water in a pot while wahing dishes and water in general, washing the back of my head while showering. Each of them a major trigger. Upon investigation- all related to aspects of the abuse. I shower daily and always wash the back of my head, wash dishes and use water daily and frequently use tomato sauce, so nothing out of the ordinary of any of these things and yet out of the blue memories surfaced. That seems to be the way the mind works, We can't face everything all at once, If we did, we would go insane too much to deal with at one time. When the time is right the memories surface. I am not trained in psychology, but just speaking from personal experience. I know it is hard, but this is part of the healing process- facing the evil of the past.
 
TXRed said:
A little more came back to me today. The sound of door knocker style handles clacking repeatedly on my mom’s dresser, a feeling of something wiggling in my butt, thinking it feels like a worm, climbing into their bed because I couldn’t sleep, mom being out of town that night. It’s feels surreal and almost vivid.

I already have the memory fragments of giving oral to him at night in his bed and really hating the texture of Vaseline. I guess it’s more of the pieces falling into place.
Click to expand...
I agree with your observations.
 
For me, putting Christmas decorations away triggered memories I would rather not have recalled.
 
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