Nervous when around attractive women

[NeedCrain]

I’ve always been nervous around women I found attractive. Scared to approach them, ask for their number. I can remember the first time I asked a girl out. I was 20 and knew her from HS as we ran with the same crowds. I had a major crush on her. She was working at the local market and I made it a point to go there and ask her out on a date. I was so nervous my hands were physically shaking. I know she saw it but she gave me her number out of pity. I called (pre cell phone days) but she never returned any of my messages.

If it not for my friends egging me on at the bar one night to approach my future wife (now ex) I may have never married. I still feel nervous with the idea of approaching women and avoid it telling myself I’m happy being alone…I’m not, or question how my son would handle it if he saw his dad with a women other than his mom. Silly because I’ve been divorced over 15 years, my son is now 21, and his mom has long since moved on, but I still use that excuse.

I’ve been on a few dates since my divorce but only one serious sexual relationship. Even that one we were introduce by a mutual friend and I’ve flaked on her on and off the past 10 years using my son as an excuse.

 

[broncosfann1979]

I would say that this is not uncommon. I was this way for the majority of my pre-marriage life. A lack of confidence is a very difficult hurdle to overcome.

 

[GaseousKlee]

Except for a brief period in my late 20s/early 30s, I've had no confidence in my ability to attract and have sex with girls/women. In fact I couldn't imagine (and still can't sometimes now) someone being attracted to me. I was oblivious to flirtatious behavior, or if I was aware of it, it made me angry because I thought they were setting me up for something. (if nothing else, I thought "they think I'm just a regular guy who would have sex at the drop of a hat, but they'll find out I'm still a virgin at 21 or that I have very little experience, and they'll be disappointed, and I in turn will feel like a pathetic failure with no masculinity at all. So no, not interested."). Most of the relationships I've had have been initiated by women, and even then, I procrastinated on the sex for as long as possible. More than one relationship ended because the woman lost patience with me. Partly this was because of my deep insecurity about my sexuality. My sex life from a very young age was masturbation to fantasies that more often were not straight heterosexual themes (or sexual in any sense of the word). Some of them (more as I got older) seemed to me to be homosexual, which confused me because I was not attracted to men, and terrified me because although homosexuality was fine for others, including many friends, it could never be OK for me. But I could never come to peace about my identity. Was I straight? Gay? Bi? WTF? I wasn't sure I could be turned on enough with my partner, compared to my masturbation fantasies. Even when I was in a sexual relationship, I much preferred masturbating alone. I was never hypersexual so I could fairly quickly satisfy my horniness by masturbating even once, leaving no desire for sex with my partner.

It wasn't until about age 63 that I had any idea I had been sexually abused in childhood (I'm 70 now). I've been coming to understand that the CSA probably sabotaged my normal sexual development and set me in a direction that tormented and shamed me for the rest of my adult life, even though I was completely unaware of what caused it. Even now I do not remember the abuse itself, I only know that something happened, and that it really messed me up.

It is helpful to have the company of you all in this community. Thanks to all who share here.

 

[Forgive7777]

I'm in the exact same boat in a matter of fact. I just posted about it just now ...

 

[WalkingMan]

"Attachment to outcome." Dr. Robert Glover talks about it in his book, "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and in his podcasts.

If we count on others to supply our opinion of ourselves, we are terrified to fail them. It leads to all kinds of anxiety, sometimes crippling.