It took me 40 years to tell my story

[NeedCrain]

I don’t think I’ve ever gone longer than a week without masterbating since puberty. Like many young boys I can remember locking my door with the Sears catalog MB to the women’s underwear section. For most of my adult life I’ve thought it was the root of my problems with women such as trust, difficulty with intimacy, using any excuse to run away from potential relationships, it ruined my marriage, and the most embarrassing premature ejaculation!

Recently I discovered the nofab website that advocates restraint from MB and pornography. I thought the restraint part was exactly what I need. I didn’t put much thought into the pornography part as I told myself I never watched a lot of porn and haven’t watched it for years. I refused to admit that the reels on Facebook of 20 something women in their underwear wasn’t porn. It is! Some of them even talk dirty and encourage the watcher to MB which I am ashamed to admit I participated in.

So started to abstain from MB. Each day the anxiety grew and I continued to think of Mary. Mary is a women that if seen off and on for the past 12 years since my divorce. We would get together for a few weeks and make love like teenagers and my fear and trust issues would surface and I would ghost her. Then repeat a few years later. After 12 days my urges were strong on my thoughts got more and more dirty. For some reason I began to think about Mary pegging me. Now we never had any anal sex let alone her doing it to me. And I’ve never been pegged. Before I know it I’m looking online researching strap on’s. I ultimately MB to the thought of her pegging me. A couple hours later I’m online researching what it is like to eat out a women after cumin in her. And again I MB this time thinking about eating Mary out after doing the deed.

The next morning I’m feeling ashamed trying to figure out where these thoughts came from. Am I gay? No. What people do behind closed doors is their business but the thought of being with another guy is just not my thing.

After a long walk I began to think of my first sexual experience. Something I have never told anyone and have tried to forget and pretend it never happen. An incident that I now think is the true root of all my problems. When I was 12 I was repeatedly sexually assaulted and possibly raped.

This wasn’t an adult this was someone my age who I thought was my best friend. We were young and curious. When it started it was mutual, no kissing, no touching, we would just perform anal sex on each other but not to completion. After a couple of times I told him I didn’t like it and wanted to stop. But it didn’t and it was no longer mutual and I was the one who was always ‘bent over’. He would tell me if I didn’t he would tell everyone I was gay. We would go to his house after school and he would lock his bedroom door and stick his tung out which was his code for me to bend over and he would rape me. Afterwards he would tell me to jerk off so he could watch. This went on for several months until I eventually stopped it and cut off all ties with him. He eventually moved away.

I have never told anyone and have repressed it for 40 years and just typing it out feels like a burden off my shoulders. I was always embarrassed by it and just didn’t want to think of it.

I think I’m going to go to start therapy and start by showing the therapist this post

 

[LittleSteve]

Welcome, I’m sorry you needed to be here, but you found a good place brother. And no, it doesn’t mean you’re gay, but you’ll find out when you talk to lot of other guys here. What happened to you can confuse people in their sexuality, but you’re attracted to women, so don’t worry about it.

Yes, what happened you did affect you, and for most of us, especially when it happens young we play it out during our lifetime. Mine happened when I was very young. I was only four when it started, and I suppressed mine for 60 years so you’re not alone.

Therapy can be a good place to start, a strong suggestion, though is make sure you get a trauma aware therapist who deals with this type of trauma. It makes all the difference, standard therapist may or may not have the skills in the ability to help you like you need.

Our stories are different, but the feelings and all that they’re very similar. So I think you’ll find that you fit right in. No pressure, share whatever you want, whenever you want at your own pace or don’t share it all it’s totally up to you.

 

[NeedCrain]

Thank you for your response. It was just so freeing to finally put that out there after years of burying deep down in my sup-conscience. I grew up in the 80’s and was taught the men are supposed to be strong and not talk about these things and homosexuality was considered taboo.

I still struggle with the homosexuality aspect. The truth is I love women, their bodies, their softness, etc. The idea of kissing, cuddling, or oral with another man is just not something I find appealing. I say that with no disrespect to anyone. If you can find a partner who is loving, caring, and you fulfill each others need then you are better off then I ever have been.

99% of my fantasies are about women. But I have master-bated to gay porn a half a dozen times. And I have fantasized and master-bated to the idea about being on all fours being taken from behind by a well built and well hung random underwear model type while they give me a reach around. And long ago I would visit gay chat rooms and virtually fulfill that fantasy. Even as I write this I can feel myself get excited and a little wet. I have suffered from PE my whole life.

I honestly don’t feel I could actually do it in real life. I’m just not sure if these thoughts are normal? Am I bi? Or is this a symptom of my childhood trama?

Thank you for being a non judgement forum for me to discuss this!! This is all very difficult to come to terms with.

 

[LittleSteve]

From what you’re describing what I’ve seen here, I don’t think you’re bi nor do I think you’re gay. And this is coming from a gay man.

It seems a very common response to sexual trauma there’s a lot of different areas that you can look in but from what you’re saying it sounds like you’re heterosexual. There’s a lot of guys here who have at the same type of fantasies and the same types of use of porn. I think if you start reading some of the posts from other guys, you’ll see very clearly where you fit it.

And I think you can find a partner, I’ve talked with a lot of guys last month or two and many many of them are heterosexual. And many of them are married and have kids and have found women who loved them deeply. I don’t think what’s happened to you is a Bar to having a loving relationship. I would suggest that you consider some therapy, but if you do you need to find what’s called a trauma aware of therapist and it should be one that specializes or has experiencing in childhood sexual abuse. That seems to be the key, or a regular therapist may not necessarily have the training in the ability to deal with what you’ve experience.

I would really encourage you to participate and start reading some of the post and stories from the other guys if you’re able to read a story. But I think you’ll find it resonates with you and you will see yourself in many of them.

And I know it took a long time for this to come out, but that seems to be also a common theme. So welcome again, take a look around and I think you’ll find that your experiences, I told her over and over again by other guys. Don’t give up on a relationship or think that you’re broken, or that you can’t have it all. You can.

 

[GaD3!]

Welcome to MS. It is good that you are here. This is safe place and there is much support from brother survivors who understand and care. I agree with what LittleSteve has said about therapists- one who is trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma. I also would highly recommend that you do follow through with your thoughts on seeking out therapy. It is extremely difficult to deal with the issues without help. There is a book that many here have read, myself included it is called Secret Shame, the author Douglas Carpenter it is definitely worth the read. We are here for you, so you are not alone. I truly wish you peace and healing. Take care.

 

[OrgelMeister]

I don’t think I’ve ever gone longer than a week without masterbating since puberty. Like many young boys I can remember locking my door with the Sears catalog MB to the women’s underwear section. For most of my adult life I’ve thought it was the root of my problems with women such as trust, difficulty with intimacy, using any excuse to run away from potential relationships, it ruined my marriage, and the most embarrassing premature ejaculation!

Recently I discovered the nofab website that advocates restraint from MB and pornography. I thought the restraint part was exactly what I need. I didn’t put much thought into the pornography part as I told myself I never watched a lot of porn and haven’t watched it for years. I refused to admit that the reels on Facebook of 20 something women in their underwear wasn’t porn. It is! Some of them even talk dirty and encourage the watcher to MB which I am ashamed to admit I participated in.

So started to abstain from MB. Each day the anxiety grew and I continued to think of Mary. Mary is a women that if seen off and on for the past 12 years since my divorce. We would get together for a few weeks and make love like teenagers and my fear and trust issues would surface and I would ghost her. Then repeat a few years later. After 12 days my urges were strong on my thoughts got more and more dirty. For some reason I began to think about Mary pegging me. Now we never had any anal sex let alone her doing it to me. And I’ve never been pegged. Before I know it I’m looking online researching strap on’s. I ultimately MB to the thought of her pegging me. A couple hours later I’m online researching what it is like to eat out a women after cumin in her. And again I MB this time thinking about eating Mary out after doing the deed.

The next morning I’m feeling ashamed trying to figure out where these thoughts came from. Am I gay? No. What people do behind closed doors is their business but the thought of being with another guy is just not my thing.

After a long walk I began to think of my first sexual experience. Something I have never told anyone and have tried to forget and pretend it never happen. An incident that I now think is the true root of all my problems. When I was 12 I was repeatedly sexually assaulted and possibly raped.

This wasn’t an adult this was someone my age who I thought was my best friend. We were young and curious. When it started it was mutual, no kissing, no touching, we would just perform anal sex on each other but not to completion. After a couple of times I told him I didn’t like it and wanted to stop. But it didn’t and it was no longer mutual and I was the one who was always ‘bent over’. He would tell me if I didn’t he would tell everyone I was gay. We would go to his house after school and he would lock his bedroom door and stick his tung out which was his code for me to bend over and he would rape me. Afterwards he would tell me to jerk off so he could watch. This went on for several months until I eventually stopped it and cut off all ties with him. He eventually moved away.

I have never told anyone and have repressed it for 40 years and just typing it out feels like a burden off my shoulders. I was always embarrassed by it and just didn’t want to think of it.

I think I’m going to go to start therapy and start by showing the therapist this post

Welcome! I only recently started telling my story to anyone as well. My story is similar in that my abuser was my best male friend who did this to me under the guise of friendship and "good fun" at first. I hadn't had puberty yet and he had, so I didn't even really understand what he was doing at first. I wanted to still be friends and I was too afraid to tell on him or anyone and destroy our regular friendship. I now understand how manipulative he was. What has helped me most in starting to even acknowledge that I was repeatedly abused and raped, is being able to see myself as a survivor of child sexual assault. I am not an imposter and what happened really wasn't my fault. It sounds very much to me that you have a similar feeling. I don't have any huge insight other than I just wanted to say that you're not an imposter and what was done to you was real and not your fault.

 

[ODAT]

For anyone who has struggled as a result of early male sexual abuse, and then later in life thoughts of sex with men, there is a terrific book by Doug Carpenter called: “ secret shame: A survivors guide to understanding, male sexual abuse and male sexual development.” In this book, Doug explains the difference between our erotic templates and our arousal templates. Basically our arousal templates are set based on our first sexual experiences as boys. So if that means we were anally raped or giving oral sex to boys or men, that shaped our arousal template. We can still be totally heterosexual, which is our erotic template. When you read the book, it will be like the lights coming on with a clear understanding of why we act and feel the way we do.
For me personally, I was giving oral sex at eight to a 14 year-old boy. This shaped my arousal template and while I have not done it for 20 years and I’m happily married, I do think about it every day. That is a result of my arousal template being set at 8. I hope this helps you…

 

[Curiouspaints]

I don’t think I’ve ever gone longer than a week without masterbating since puberty. Like many young boys I can remember locking my door with the Sears catalog MB to the women’s underwear section. For most of my adult life I’ve thought it was the root of my problems with women such as trust, difficulty with intimacy, using any excuse to run away from potential relationships, it ruined my marriage, and the most embarrassing premature ejaculation!

Recently I discovered the nofab website that advocates restraint from MB and pornography. I thought the restraint part was exactly what I need. I didn’t put much thought into the pornography part as I told myself I never watched a lot of porn and haven’t watched it for years. I refused to admit that the reels on Facebook of 20 something women in their underwear wasn’t porn. It is! Some of them even talk dirty and encourage the watcher to MB which I am ashamed to admit I participated in.

So started to abstain from MB. Each day the anxiety grew and I continued to think of Mary. Mary is a women that if seen off and on for the past 12 years since my divorce. We would get together for a few weeks and make love like teenagers and my fear and trust issues would surface and I would ghost her. Then repeat a few years later. After 12 days my urges were strong on my thoughts got more and more dirty. For some reason I began to think about Mary pegging me. Now we never had any anal sex let alone her doing it to me. And I’ve never been pegged. Before I know it I’m looking online researching strap on’s. I ultimately MB to the thought of her pegging me. A couple hours later I’m online researching what it is like to eat out a women after cumin in her. And again I MB this time thinking about eating Mary out after doing the deed.

The next morning I’m feeling ashamed trying to figure out where these thoughts came from. Am I gay? No. What people do behind closed doors is their business but the thought of being with another guy is just not my thing.

After a long walk I began to think of my first sexual experience. Something I have never told anyone and have tried to forget and pretend it never happen. An incident that I now think is the true root of all my problems. When I was 12 I was repeatedly sexually assaulted and possibly raped.

This wasn’t an adult this was someone my age who I thought was my best friend. We were young and curious. When it started it was mutual, no kissing, no touching, we would just perform anal sex on each other but not to completion. After a couple of times I told him I didn’t like it and wanted to stop. But it didn’t and it was no longer mutual and I was the one who was always ‘bent over’. He would tell me if I didn’t he would tell everyone I was gay. We would go to his house after school and he would lock his bedroom door and stick his tung out which was his code for me to bend over and he would rape me. Afterwards he would tell me to jerk off so he could watch. This went on for several months until I eventually stopped it and cut off all ties with him. He eventually moved away.

I have never told anyone and have repressed it for 40 years and just typing it out feels like a burden off my shoulders. I was always embarrassed by it and just didn’t want to think of it.

I think I’m going to go to start therapy and start by showing the therapist this post

You where heard @NeedCrain

 

[NeedCrain]

After spending sometime reading others stories and issues I am beginning to believe I am not alone. My struggles with intimacy, sexual performance, and lack of self worth, are most likely the result of this terrible thing that happen to me all those years ago. In some ways I feel lucky as the stories I have read are so horrific that what happened to me seems minor.

None the less it has haunted me all these years. Before this site I knew what happen I just chose to burry it and ignore it. What I never knew was the term grooming. I can now remember and see how my abuser was grooming me, a young man raised by a single mother and no male father figure. I liked girls but always felt submissive, shy, unsure of himself, maybe even a little feminine. Entering puberty not knowing why I felt the way I did.

My abuser (my same age) would brag (lie) about the sex he had with girls and what it felt like. He would tell me I would probably have issues getting a girl to sleep with me because I was weak. He introduced me to pornographic magazines and movies. He took my curiosity to the point where I felt like I wanted him to abuse me. Like this was how I was supposed to experience sex. Not a friend, not his lover, just a tool for his pleasure trained to bend over and take it on command then told to jerk off while he watched.

 

[LittleSteve]

You don’t need to compare as it hits us all differently. What may seem minor to some can be just as bad as some of the worst. It hits us all and creates the same issues, feelings, guilt, shame and how it plays out in our lives.
As some one pointed out he thought being trafficked was the worst and yet when he talked with the person was that was trafficked he thought what happened to the other guy was worse than being trafficked. The both though the others situation was worse than theirs.
Each person has a lot to deal with and that’s one way how we can support each other. With understanding and compassion.

 

[Georgie]

Only you can answer the question about your sexual orientation. You also should learn about the Kinsey Scale, which may answer some of your questions.

 

[NeedCrain]

Welcome! I only recently started telling my story to anyone as well. My story is similar in that my abuser was my best male friend who did this to me under the guise of friendship and "good fun" at first. I hadn't had puberty yet and he had, so I didn't even really understand what he was doing at first. I wanted to still be friends and I was too afraid to tell on him or anyone and destroy our regular friendship. I now understand how manipulative he was. What has helped me most in starting to even acknowledge that I was repeatedly abused and raped, is being able to see myself as a survivor of child sexual assault. I am not an imposter and what happened really wasn't my fault. It sounds very much to me that you have a similar feeling. I don't have any huge insight other than I just wanted to say that you're not an imposter and what was done to you was real and not your fault.

Thanks for responding. I just read your story and yes it is very similar to mine. Reading it reinforces that I am not alone in this recovery. You are lucky to have such a caring and understanding wife. If I ever allow myself to love again I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to her. I wish you only the best.

 

[NeedCrain]

I sent this text to Mary (not her real name) earlier today. No response yet but I keep looking at my phone with anticipation. You can get the idea what happen ‘that night’ by the content. Hope I did the right thing.

“Please read this. Hi XXX! It’s XXX. I really don’t know where to start. Very recently I been coming to terms with a haunting childhood experience. Something I have repressed for 40 years and have buried deep down into my subconscious. I believe my struggles with intimacy, sexual performance, and lack of self worth, are most likely the result of this terrible thing that happen to me all those years ago. It is likely the reason for my aloof demeanor towards relationships all these years. That night I left it wasn’t because of XXX. That was a lie it told myself and you. At the time I did not know what happen. Here is this beautiful woman inside and out that I am passionately attracted to that wanted me and I ran away in fear. I can still see you on your balcony saying goodby and me running to my car desperately trying to flee. I can only imagine what you were thinking and what that did to you mentally? Please know it had nothing to do with you!!! I’m currently looking for a therapist to work this out. I know I have a long journey ahead but am hopeful I can come to terms with it and lead a normal life. Someday I hope I can find the courage and have the opportunity to tell you more. Sorry this is so long. With love, XXX.“

 

[LittleSteve]

That’s a very big step you took. Regardless I’m glad to hear that you’re looking for a therapist making sure it’s a trauma war therapist that has experience with us. Nobody knows how she’s gonna respond and she probably doesn’t either. Give yourself both some grace. Regardless of how she responds initially realize that this is something very big and it may take her a while to process it or even answer.

I can tell you that when my husband was finally able to understand what happened to me, it made a huge difference for him. So many of the things that he thought were about him, turned out in reality not to be about him at all. It was a huge relief for him that the negative things he thought about himself because of this he finally understood had nothing to do with him at all. I hope she sees it in this light.

Again, give both yourself some grace, you did a very brave thing.

 

[NeedCrain]

I’d like her to respond but if she she decides not to I’m ok with that and I’ll understand.

Good news is I just got off the phone with a therapist I researched and she is going to send me some dates and times!

Update: seems the therapist office is trying to shift me to someone else in their office. The persons bio does say trama but she seem to specialize in sports performance. I’m going to reach out to her and see what experience she has, if any, in this particular area. I’m not going to settle.

 

[LittleSteve]

Definitely, please don’t settle, the type of trauma that you’ve had take specialized training to be able to work with it effectively. A standard therapist, regardless of their other training is not gonna have the understanding.

And it’s extremely important. I was one of the guys that saw a regular therapist and after three visits, she said that she couldn’t see him anymore because she didn’t have the expertise necessary and he had to find somebody else. So I would just call the office and say look I need somebody who has this experience. It’s not a standard therapy request. What I have found is, though that everybody in the medical field has been very understanding. I’ve disclosed to most of my providers without any problem, I had double cataract surgery in last month and I disclosed to the anesthesiologist about my complex PTSD because occasionally some types of anesthesia can cause memory recall when you’re coming out of it. They were all very understanding the nurses and everything very very supportive. I was really happy that I disclosed, and fortunately nothing happened. Everything went perfectly smoothly, and there were no problems.

But this is very specific stuff and it takes very specific training. I can tell you from my experience which is very bad, That a standard therapist would have no idea what to do with most of this stuff. My therapist has spent 20 years in the field specializing in ADHD and sexual assault, abuse… And she has difficulties and so I would just emplore you tell them, though it’s gotta be a specific therapist who has this type of background And if they’re not able to accommodate you, I would really urge you to go seek out somebody else out because this is very specialized stuff.

 

[NeedCrain]

Understood loud and clear! Sad part is I have a friend who’s a therapist and has dealt with this a lot and you can see the toll it has on him in his professional life helping others. I’m just not at the point to disclose it to him even for a referral.

 

[LittleSteve]

Yes, it’s true. It does take a toll on them. I see it in my therapist. There are times when she can’t help but recoil, has to close her eyes for a few moments. I’ve never seen a tear, but it wouldn’t surprise me. The stuff that happened to me is so horrendous And the people involved were so evil. You could be human and not have it affect you.

But as I like to remind people, this is what she wanted to do, this is the job she chose. She took a lot of schooling, a lot of time and effort and therapy herself to become a qualified therapist. Because she wanted to help people like me and so, I don’t feel bad about going to her and sharing this stuff. The other thing I would really recommend and I see this with a lot of of the guys is they don’t open up to their therapist for a variety of reasons. I tell my therapist everything because to my mind how can she help me unless she knows what’s going on and she has to know it all to be able to do her job the best that she can.

 

[NeedCrain]

I want to thank you all especially @LittleSteve. Your responses to my posts have been kind and helpful as I begin to finally confront the horror that happen to me all those years ago. I know I have a long journey ahead but I am finally on the road. While I doubt I will ever be able to say that I am stronger because of what happen to me, I will one day no longer be weak because of it! I am not a victim. I AM A SURVIVOR!

 

[LittleSteve]

While I doubt I will ever be able to say that I am stronger because of what happen to me, I will one day no longer be weak because of it! I am not a victim. I AM A SURVIVOR!

Says it all. Yes you are stronger for it. I took everything that they threw at me all these adults, as a young child and guess what I made it.
So did you! You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for not weaker, the weak don’t make it. Yes, you are a survivor and that’s the most important thing.

What I figured out over the last couple months little Steve is one tough little motherfucker. He made it through all that and I owe it to him to have the best life that I can because of his sacrifice.

I see the same strength in you. You made it through everything that they threw at you and you’re still here, and things are gonna get better for you. There’s no weakness there, only strength, incredible strength to have survived.

AND YOU DID SURVIVE!