Struggling with the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse

[Ascendxm]

I’m 23, and I’ve been carrying something with me my whole life that I’ve never really told anyone. When I was 8, I was sexually abused by my cousin. At the time, it was confusing—I even felt like I “liked” it, and I didn’t fully understand what was happening. She would take off her trousers, leaving just her underwear, and rub herself on me, sometimes touching my penis. I didn’t resist because I didn’t know better, and I didn’t fully comprehend the harm.

Now, years later, I’m struggling with how this has affected me. I have a hard time connecting physically or sexually with women I genuinely like. My love is 100% emotional, with almost zero physical attraction. I also have trouble with physical contact, especially with female relatives or people I care about, because it makes me uncomfortable.

I feel lonely and isolated. I don’t reach out to friends much, even though I still see them as my friends. When I’m with people, I can be fun and extroverted, but I often stay in my room alone, and I feel stuck.

I still sometimes meet my abuser, and I don’t know if she remembers or acknowledges what happened. I’ve never really resented her, which confuses me even more. I’ve started realizing that the trauma from this abuse might be the reason I struggle with intimacy, trust, and connecting with others in a romantic or sexual way.

I’m sharing this because I need help understanding how to process these feelings and heal. I want to learn how to reconnect emotionally and physically with people in a healthy way and finally deal with the long-term effects of what happened to me.

Thanks for reading and for any advice or support you can offer.

 

[GaD3!]

First off welcome to MS. I am sorry to hear of your struggles. The best advice I can give you is if at all possible connect with a therapist trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues. There is much help available here, we understand and care, but therapy is a necessity in dealing with these issues. I suspect your abuser may have been abused herself. There is nothing wrong with not resenting her, resenting her will not help you. I believe that your observation that the trauma you experienced is the reason for the difficulties with trust and connecting with others is correct. If not the only reason certainly a factor. If you ever want to "talk", please feel free to send a direct message. I truly wish you peace and healing. Take care.

 

[Sossity]

Welcome to this safe place, this is a good place to walk and build your understanding of your experience and how these things impact us. You are not alone in your how this has manifested in you in later life, I for one do not like to be touched, especially on the head. The only person I allow to touch me is my wife, and she never touches my head. Having these issues does not need to be a barrier to having a happy relationship with a loving partner, shared trust and understanding care help, as can setting boundaries around what you like and don’t like, a T can help you work through these issues and help you process what are still a very raw issue for you.

Take you time my friend stay safe and know we are here walking with you and have walked the paths you now find yourself trending on.

 

[WreckedRick]

Welcome. It is good you are seeking help when young and not older. Hopefully you will be able to overcome some of your issues and have a happier life sooner than say me. I would encourage you to get into therapy if you are not already.

 

[TryingToHealToo]

Welcome and so sorry for the reason you are here. You are still young, though I know it doesn’t feel like it. Take care of yourself and get the help you need to heal. You have a lot of life and love still ahead of you and you deserve to experience it as a whole and healthy person. If you don’t have insurance to pay for therapy look for free options in your area, there frequently are organizations that can offer assistance though it might take some time to get in. I will echo one of the comments above the importance of finding someone who has special expertise in CSA and trauma. I had several “general” therapists who tried, but they just didn’t have the knowledge of how to help.