*Triggers Possible* Is my experience even valid?

[NDguy]

Part 7: Fear of commitment

Up till 21, I only knew casual sex. Specifically casual sex with men. But that was a confusing time for me. Somewhere along the line, I had a crush on a woman in my campus. Unfortunately my advances were rejected.

During the holidays, I met a girl (let’s call her Charlotte), we kinda hit it off, and eventually she wanted to date me. The trouble was my mind wasn’t ready for any commitment at all. But she was nice, and I liked her, so I gave it a try. It was a short lived story. After a few dates, she kissed me and told me that she had fallen in love with me.

My internal alarm blared as if there was a war coming to me. I now understand that it was a panic reaction that triggered my fight or flight instincts. I went cold turkey on her. I did not have it in me to start anything serious. But in a funny way, she did help me to realize that I was not really gay either.
Bisexual maybe. But I wouldn’t have known it yet, since Charlotte and I didn’t have sex. My sex record was still 100% man and 0% woman.

Honestly, since the failed attempt at courting my crush, I had given up on looking for anyone. The short lived relationship with Charlotte was really more like a convenience to me. I might give it a try if I did not have to make the first move. I was really messed up. Another girl tried her luck, but I was just not able to commit.

By the end of it, I was very sure that I would celibate for the rest of my life. I would never be able to find someone I truly love. I was too big of a coward to be emotionally vulnerable. I would rather die alone than to be committed to anyone.

 

[NDguy]

Part 8: Saved but not safe

At 22, Al and I were tasked to do a project together. We had to share a hotel room for a week because the company that we worked for was shit. Having to spend so much time alone with Al was a torture for me. My mind kept going back to the SA, arousing me each time. I wanted him to reenact the SA, and maybe taking it further. When we were in the room, I would purposely let my guard down, hoping that he would make a move. But he did not do anything for one whole week! I remember feeling relieved but disappointed.

Why did I want his attention, his touch? I really didn’t understand. On a hindsight, I am glad that nothing happened. I am already quite broken as it is.

After that trip, I went back to my hometown as I have graduated. I reconnected with my high school friends, one of them was my wife. She was attracted to me, but I did not overcome my fear of commitment. I couldn’t risk hurting her, after all I still wanted to remain friends. Despite the multiple rejection, she didn’t give up. But I really had no hope. I felt dead inside.

After numerous rejections, she couldn’t take it anymore. As the last straw, she asked for a kiss, and if there was nothing, that would be the very end. I kissed her, and I felt… alive... Perhaps even hope and desire? It was the kiss that pulled me back from the deep pit. I was by then sure that she would be the one I will marry.

But one thing remained unchanged. No matter how hard I tried, I could not bring myself to reveal my dark history to her. I really thought that I have put my past behind me. I was safe, loved, respected. It was a genuine fear of not being accepted convinced me that I must keep these secrets till the day I die.

Although some parts of me fear that I might be only sexually attracted to men, our first time together proved otherwise. Sex was awesome with her. This however brought the same questions about my sexuality. I love her and she is the only woman I want to have sex with. But there was a hidden desire, one which had been suppressed, I wanted to have sex with men too. I knew I was not likely going to fall in love with another man. The feelings were conflicting. I managed to curb the urge by being hyper sexual with my wife. We did it multiple times a day, almost everyday.

Good times really don’t last that long. I have been quite regularly SA’ed by other men in gym, shower, doctor’s visit and swimming pool. My confidence of my sexuality dwindled with each passing incident. I believed that I had given out the vibe that I was looking to be molested. I blamed myself.

Things got worse until I had ED and it really affected our relationship. I had slowly recovered, thanks to her patience and acceptance. We moved to a new place far away after we got married to start a fresh new life together.

We have a son together, and from the surface of it, I am living a good life. But the past will always catch up to us. The secret that I could not tell, the GP addiction, thoughts on SH, the constant struggle on my sexual orientation, the shame and guilt, they consumed me. I have been depressed ever since.

Then Baby Reindeer came along topping charts of most watched show. I was intrigued, since I did like to watch shows about stalkers. I went in with the expectation that it would be similar to “You”. But I was damn wrong. Watching Richard Gadd being SA’ed, groomed, raped, SH, and self destruct sent me to a shutdown. My suppressed memories flooded my mind. I was unsure if my experiences were really valid. I told myself the lie I used to believe. “It was nothing, don’t think too much”. But it didn’t work. The pain in my chest was immense.

I knew I had to get help. I have lost my will to live, to fight, to move on from this. But I have a family that needs me. So I came here to seek clarification and validation. I hope to find myself again, forgive myself for hurting myself, to be able to accept my past as a part of me, so that I could live on, to protect my son from suffering the same fate as me.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. It makes me feel better to be able to share my experiences in detail.

Cheers.

 

[Grace271828]

Hi all, I’d like to share a bit about myself.

I am a late diagnosed autistic guy. 38 years old, have a wife and child. I started my journey of self discovery after being triggered by Baby Reindeer.

Ever since I was 5, I remembered that my uncle touched my penis on multiple occasions. When asked to stop, he said he will only stop if I started wearing underwear (I was going commando due to sensory issue). Other adults were around, but it was seen as teasing. But I clearly remembered it continued even after I started to wear an underwear. He also liked to squeeze my butt, and there was once when we were alone in a bathroom, he showed me his penis. I didn’t know how to feel about that and I ran away.

Is this normal in my culture (I’m a South East Asian)? Or really teasing? Or CSA?

My psychotherapist said it depends on his intention. I am not sure if I could ever find out. But I do remember avoiding him, and always protecting my private parts whenever he was around.

This does make me wonder if this has shaped my understanding in my own personal boundaries.

Fast forward to 19, I went to university and lived in the boy’s dorm. Got befriended by the perp. I trusted him as a friend. Little did I know that he was slowly desensitizing me to his touch. Looking back, it started with his hands on my shoulder, neck, then arms, cheeks, then thigh… He had also been finding excuses to share my bed. Nothing happened for the first few times.

But the very last time he shared my bed, I woke up to a strange sensation. He put my hand inside his underwear, fondling his penis. I was shocked and I froze. Then he proceeded to fondle mine. It felt like eternity as I pretended to be sound asleep. Eventually it stopped.

I told my best friend after some time, hoping to clear my confusion about what happened. But he took it as a funny incident. I immediately felt like I was being teased. So I took it as just another normal day. Seems like it happens to everyone, no…?

I always felt like it was my own fault, I should have been more vigilant. I came to believe that it’s just touching, not anything big anyway, and it is totally normal to have no boundaries as long as we are all male.

As a young adult, I faced many more times of some sort of harassment(?). There were a few incidents where guys peeked through translucent glass to watch me take a shower at the gym. Another incident was a guy came over to my stall at a public shower and grabbed my penis while he was fully erected. I managed to push his hand away. But he didn’t give up even after I protested loudly, and he would attempt again. I remembered having to quickly finish up and quickly put on my clothes while looked at me and masturbated.

Must be effing normal if these shit keep happening to me.

That was the last incident, it happened when I was 26. I got married after that, our child was born some years later. Then the pandemic happened, and I slipped into a long term depression. After a long while, I got my autism diagnosis early this year. So now I am fully aware that I don’t understand social rules like everyone else.

Three weeks ago, I watched Baby Reindeer. My previous belief: - men cannot be sexually assaulted - crashed and burned overnight. All my memories came flooding back. Feeling overwhelmed, and unable to accept that I might have been a victim of CSA, SA, or even grooming, I had a serious shut down. I am still keeping all of this to myself.

Feeling lonely and suffocated, I have started to seek help with my psychotherapist, but I am not sure what will happen. I shared a small part of my history with my wife, and she is incredibly supportive.

I don’t know if this is trauma, or just being autistic. It feels like I don’t know anything anymore.

I didn’t feel like a victim for more than a decade. And now I suddenly do?? What is this pain that I am feeling? My heart hurts every time those intrusive thoughts strike. But I am so dissociated from my body, I couldn’t even cry when it hurts so bad.

I hope I can get some clarity, support or some self acceptance by being here. Hope this will be the start of my healing journey.

I am late diagnosed with autism. I also learned late in life that I have PTSD and was sexually abused as a child and as an adult. My understanding is that the reason trauma is trauma is not about the nature of the context of the experience, but the way the experience affects the person. If an experience is so difficult to process, in the moment, that it cannot be fully processed and integrated, then it cannot play a role in how a person navigates life. My experience as a person with autism and sensory issues, is that I need my experiences to be safe for me and integrates so that I can look to my past to help me navigate the present - like any other person. If certain experiences are not available because they upset me and I have not found my way of sorting them, including creating a healthy self image, sense of boundaries, and way of establishing and keeping myself safe in relationships, then this tells me those experiences are trauma. It is the effect the experience has, not some social narrative, that determines if it trauma.
I lost so much time trying to both cope with my trauma and normalize my experiences. I often invalidated my own responses to experience if I could not "justify" how they affected me relative to a neurotypical context. ie. "If it would not have upset an NT, then MY response is somehow invalid, and it cannot be a "real" trauma." I had to let all that thinking go.
If I have learned anything in my journey, it has been that trauma does not compromise with me. Trauma does not care if the experience would not have traumatized someone else. Trauma does not stop acting in my mind and life simply because someone else would possibly have a different way of coping.
I had to let all that go. The fact is, I AM different. My trauma taught me not to trust my own experience, perceptions, or feelings. This was a disaster in terms of being autistic - an experience of life which ONLY the autistic person themselves can work out in the way that it right for them.
When I started beginning in the stance that my perceptions were real, my conclusions were valid, and the steps I need to take to work with the way the trauma affected me - instead of remaining in the nonsense of second guessing my own interpretation - then I began finding my way to peace, because I began the slow process of trusting my own ways. As a person with autism, I feel this is the most important step I have ever made in my life. By stepping to learning how to trust and stand up for my own processing, have begun to learn self respect, and define my boundaries. My father stuck his hand down my underpants as a boy fondling me and other things, over and over, and nobody did anything. I am 58 years old and live with that to this day. Yes, I have had to do much work around my feelings about my dad and myself and other things, but the FIRST thing I had to do was decide that it was WRONG - not because everyone in the universe might agree that it was wrong - but because it was wrong FOR ME. It was MY underwear, MY dick, and MY bed that the person should not have been in. None of the rest of the opinions matter.
I hope you find the support you need in your journey.
Thank you for having the courage to find your words here, as a person with autism. Your courage gives me courage.
Peace

 

[Curiouspaints]

@NDguy you were so clearly abused.

You would think gaining awareness and clear memories would help make you feel better. But the flood is often overwhelming. Suddenly you are drowning in them. Of course you feel like crap.

But I can tell you that as you work through the abuse, the clarity is empowering!

Please be kind to yourself as you face your very real abuse.

I’m reminded of this morning as I wake up. @NDguy go easy on yourself and go easy on the process of recovery

 

[NDguy]

I am late diagnosed with autism. I also learned late in life that I have PTSD and was sexually abused as a child and as an adult.

Hi grace, sorry that you have to be in MS, but it’s really great to find another autistic guy here.

I lost so much time trying to both cope with my trauma and normalize my experiences. I often invalidated my own responses to experience if I could not "justify" how they affected me relative to a neurotypical context. ie. "If it would not have upset an NT, then MY response is somehow invalid, and it cannot be a "real" trauma." I had to let all that thinking go.

It is like you were in my mind…

If I have learned anything in my journey, it has been that trauma does not compromise with me. Trauma does not care if the experience would not have traumatized someone else. Trauma does not stop acting in my mind and life simply because someone else would possibly have a different way of coping.
I had to let all that go. The fact is, I AM different. My trauma taught me not to trust my own experience, perceptions, or feelings. This was a disaster in terms of being autistic - an experience of life which ONLY the autistic person themselves can work out in the way that it right for them.
When I started beginning in the stance that my perceptions were real, my conclusions were valid, and the steps I need to take to work with the way the trauma affected me - instead of remaining in the nonsense of second guessing my own interpretation - then I began finding my way to peace, because I began the slow process of trusting my own ways. As a person with autism, I feel this is the most important step I have ever made in my life. By stepping to learning how to trust and stand up for my own processing, have begun to learn self respect, and define my boundaries.

Thank you for pointing this out. Old habits really do die hard. My T mentioned this as well, our feelings must be respected and acknowledged. I am still learning.

My father stuck his hand down my underpants as a boy fondling me and other things, over and over, and nobody did anything. I am 58 years old and live with that to this day. Yes, I have had to do much work around my feelings about my dad and myself and other things, but the FIRST thing I had to do was decide that it was WRONG - not because everyone in the universe might agree that it was wrong - but because it was wrong FOR ME. It was MY underwear, MY dick, and MY bed that the person should not have been in. None of the rest of the opinions matter.
I hope you find the support you need in your journey.
Thank you for having the courage to find your words here, as a person with autism. Your courage gives me courage.
Peace

Sorry that you had such a horrible experience. I feel so repulsed by your father’s actions, knowing that he molested you. But i struggle to know what I feel about my own molestation. When my T asked me how disturbing it was for me, I rated it 5 out of 10, even though this was the event that set that invisible mark on my back.

Your kind words are really appreciated, I only hope that I could really make it to where you are right now. It is very inspiring and it means so much to me to be able to find another autistic survivor here.

Take care brother.

 

[NDguy]

I’m reminded of this morning as I wake up. @NDguy go easy on yourself and go easy on the process of recovery

Thanks @Curiouspaints. I will try my best. You should be kind to yourself too!

 

[Grace271828]

Hi grace, sorry that you have to be in MS, but it’s really great to find another autistic guy here.


It is like you were in my mind…


Thank you for pointing this out. Old habits really do die hard. My T mentioned this as well, our feelings must be respected and acknowledged. I am still learning.


Sorry that you had such a horrible experience. I feel so repulsed by your father’s actions, knowing that he molested you. But i struggle to know what I feel about my own molestation. When my T asked me how disturbing it was for me, I rated it 5 out of 10, even though this was the event that set that invisible mark on my back.

Your kind words are really appreciated, I only hope that I could really make it to where you are right now. It is very inspiring and it means so much to me to be able to find another autistic survivor here.

Take care brother.

Thank you for the kind response, brother. I believe there are quite a few autistic folk on this site. It gives me comfort not only to have a site that has other men who've had abuse experiences, but some men who, because they are autistic, experienced their abuse in a mode similar to mine. This helps me feel less alone and less peculiar, which helps me be less afraid to face what happened and learn to respect myself in my recovery. it's a comfort to me. So, welcome, brother.