*Triggers Possible* Is my experience even valid?

[NDguy]

Hi all, I’d like to share a bit about myself.

I am a late diagnosed autistic guy. 38 years old, have a wife and child. I started my journey of self discovery after being triggered by Baby Reindeer.

Ever since I was 5, I remembered that my uncle touched my penis on multiple occasions. When asked to stop, he said he will only stop if I started wearing underwear (I was going commando due to sensory issue). Other adults were around, but it was seen as teasing. But I clearly remembered it continued even after I started to wear an underwear. He also liked to squeeze my butt, and there was once when we were alone in a bathroom, he showed me his penis. I didn’t know how to feel about that and I ran away.

Is this normal in my culture (I’m a South East Asian)? Or really teasing? Or CSA?

My psychotherapist said it depends on his intention. I am not sure if I could ever find out. But I do remember avoiding him, and always protecting my private parts whenever he was around.

This does make me wonder if this has shaped my understanding in my own personal boundaries.

Fast forward to 19, I went to university and lived in the boy’s dorm. Got befriended by the perp. I trusted him as a friend. Little did I know that he was slowly desensitizing me to his touch. Looking back, it started with his hands on my shoulder, neck, then arms, cheeks, then thigh… He had also been finding excuses to share my bed. Nothing happened for the first few times.

But the very last time he shared my bed, I woke up to a strange sensation. He put my hand inside his underwear, fondling his penis. I was shocked and I froze. Then he proceeded to fondle mine. It felt like eternity as I pretended to be sound asleep. Eventually it stopped.

I told my best friend after some time, hoping to clear my confusion about what happened. But he took it as a funny incident. I immediately felt like I was being teased. So I took it as just another normal day. Seems like it happens to everyone, no…?

I always felt like it was my own fault, I should have been more vigilant. I came to believe that it’s just touching, not anything big anyway, and it is totally normal to have no boundaries as long as we are all male.

As a young adult, I faced many more times of some sort of harassment(?). There were a few incidents where guys peeked through translucent glass to watch me take a shower at the gym. Another incident was a guy came over to my stall at a public shower and grabbed my penis while he was fully erected. I managed to push his hand away. But he didn’t give up even after I protested loudly, and he would attempt again. I remembered having to quickly finish up and quickly put on my clothes while looked at me and masturbated.

Must be effing normal if these shit keep happening to me.

That was the last incident, it happened when I was 26. I got married after that, our child was born some years later. Then the pandemic happened, and I slipped into a long term depression. After a long while, I got my autism diagnosis early this year. So now I am fully aware that I don’t understand social rules like everyone else.

Three weeks ago, I watched Baby Reindeer. My previous belief: - men cannot be sexually assaulted - crashed and burned overnight. All my memories came flooding back. Feeling overwhelmed, and unable to accept that I might have been a victim of CSA, SA, or even grooming, I had a serious shut down. I am still keeping all of this to myself.

Feeling lonely and suffocated, I have started to seek help with my psychotherapist, but I am not sure what will happen. I shared a small part of my history with my wife, and she is incredibly supportive.

I don’t know if this is trauma, or just being autistic. It feels like I don’t know anything anymore.

I didn’t feel like a victim for more than a decade. And now I suddenly do?? What is this pain that I am feeling? My heart hurts every time those intrusive thoughts strike. But I am so dissociated from my body, I couldn’t even cry when it hurts so bad.

I hope I can get some clarity, support or some self acceptance by being here. Hope this will be the start of my healing journey.

 

[GaD3!]

You were sexually abused. You were groomed. Your uncle was a predator, the guy in the dorms was a predator, there are predator types prowling the gym showers, I have run into them myself in the past. Most men there are not at all interested, but there a few who are, as you found out. A therapist I worked with for many years, previous to going into private practice worked as a therapist at a local state prison. He told me those who were in prison for sex crimes told him that they could spot someone who had been sexually abused previously a mile away, that those individuals were an easy prey. I too had many experiences as an adult such as yourself. Predators are always on the lookout for the next victim. I had situations in the gym showers, a couple of doctors etc. and of course was sexually abused as a child, so definitely easy prey.

I don't care what culture one comes from; it is not appropriate to touch a child's private regions as you describe, and of course showing you his penis!? No excuse for any of that. I am from a Latin background- we are known for more touching etc, but NEVER what you describe- that is completely sexual touching- no excuse for that. You did ask him to stop, he didn't, that is not teasing, that is abuse. The adults should have stepped in and protected you.

Forget the psychotherapist, they do not know what the hell they are talking about regarding sexual boundaries/abuse. I am sure they are familiar with Autism so I am not saying they are not incompetent, just not educated on sexual abuse issues. I would highly recommend you seek out a therapist trained in dealing with trauma and sexual abuse issues to get some help on those issues. It does not depend on his (your uncle's) intention- that is bull shit- he had no business touching your penis! Again, that is abuse.

I understand how you feel, but it NEVER was your fault- any of it! You were vulnerable and as I stated above the slime picked up on that. None of it is normal behavior. As you said yourself, you were groomed, predator are experts at grooming. They are great actors too. That is how they get access.

You question whether this is autism or trauma- it is trauma. Like I said you need to get help from a T educated in dealing with trauma.

Now that I have said all of that- welcome to MS! I am sorry that you have experienced all of this. You are not alone here, by any means. You have many brother survivors here, we understand your pain and care. If you ever want to "talk" feel free to message me,

 

[i-m-Bri]

@NDguy you were so clearly abused.

You would think gaining awareness and clear memories would help make you feel better. But the flood is often overwhelming. Suddenly you are drowning in them. Of course you feel like crap.

But I can tell you that as you work through the abuse, the clarity is empowering!

Please be kind to yourself as you face your very real abuse.

 

[NDguy]

You were sexually abused. You were groomed. Your uncle was a predator, the guy in the dorms was a predator, there are predator types prowling the gym showers, I have run into them myself in the past. Most men there are not at all interested, but there a few who are, as you found out. A therapist I worked with for many years, previous to going into private practice worked as a therapist at a local state prison. He told me those who were in prison for sex crimes told him that they could spot someone who had been sexually abused previously a mile away, that those individuals were an easy prey. I too had many experiences as an adult such as yourself. Predators are always on the lookout for the next victim. I had situations in the gym showers, a couple of doctors etc. and of course was sexually abused as a child, so definitely easy prey.

I don't care what culture one comes from; it is not appropriate to touch a child's private regions as you describe, and of course showing you his penis!? No excuse for any of that. I am from a Latin background- we are known for more touching etc, but NEVER what you describe- that is completely sexual touching- no excuse for that. You did ask him to stop, he didn't, that is not teasing, that is abuse. The adults should have stepped in and protected you.

Forget the psychotherapist, they do not know what the hell they are talking about regarding sexual boundaries/abuse. I am sure they are familiar with Autism so I am not saying they are not incompetent, just not educated on sexual abuse issues. I would highly recommend you seek out a therapist trained in dealing with trauma and sexual abuse issues to get some help on those issues. It does not depend on his (your uncle's) intention- that is bull shit- he had no business touching your penis! Again, that is abuse.

I understand how you feel, but it NEVER was your fault- any of it! You were vulnerable and as I stated above the slime picked up on that. None of it is normal behavior. As you said yourself, you were groomed, predator are experts at grooming. They are great actors too. That is how they get access.

You question whether this is autism or trauma- it is trauma. Like I said you need to get help from a T educated in dealing with trauma.

Now that I have said all of that- welcome to MS! I am sorry that you have experienced all of this. You are not alone here, by any means. You have many brother survivors here, we understand your pain and care. If you ever want to "talk" feel free to message me,

Thank you so much for your input. I really appreciate it. I’m really sorry that you had similar experiences too.

It is really hard when all my problems were not taken seriously by others around me. It is deeply ingrained in me. I am still unable to feel the severity of these abused.

I still feel like an imposter. I just know one thing for sure, my mind is quite messed up and I am broken.

Willy

 

[NDguy]

@NDguy you were so clearly abused.

You would think gaining awareness and clear memories would help make you feel better. But the flood is often overwhelming. Suddenly you are drowning in them. Of course you feel like crap.

But I can tell you that as you work through the abuse, the clarity is empowering!

Please be kind to yourself as you face your very real abuse.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I find it hard to believe that these are clearly abuses to you. My mind keeps telling me that I didn’t feel like a victim, but my body is shutting down due to all the new awareness.

I am afraid of what to come, as I know that this is just the start of the info/memory flooding. But I know I can’t keep suppressing and running away from it. Hopefully as you said, I will be empowered by it soon.

 

[GaD3!]

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I find it hard to believe that these are clearly abuses to you. My mind keeps telling me that I didn’t feel like a victim, but my body is shutting down due to all the new awareness.

I am afraid of what to come, as I know that this is just the start of the info/memory flooding. But I know I can’t keep suppressing and running away from it. Hopefully as you said, I will be empowered by it soon.

As the old saying states- you "can't see the forest for the trees". At the time you may not have felt like a victim, much of what you experienced was subtle, still you were victimized. Your body is now reeling from this reality. You cannot run from it. I tried for years until it got to the point that I was barely hanging onto sanity any longer. For your sake and the sake of your wife and child you need to get some help so you can start healing.

 

[betrayed boy]

it would probably help you to digest it better if you were to write your story out you can burn it or throw it out afterwards.....something scientific about it I was told, I used to journal alot and it really helped when I started out on this journey .... also the more often you write it out or speak it helps,,,,good luck

 

[NDguy]

I will try to face it. Somehow I don’t have much will to live on. And I recognize this is quite troubling. I keep reminding myself that my wife and child need me.

It helped me to get started with my psychotherapy, and next week will be my first EDMR session. I am afraid of it to be honest. The moment I managed to safe keep some disturbing memories (that will be dealt with together with my T in the next sessions) more memories crept back into my mind.

I must continue. I felt more hopeful reading the comments and stories here. I shall not give up.

 

[NDguy]

I have been internalizing my experiences until now. The one person I trusted let me down with his unsupportive response. But I do agree. I would like to share more details of my experiences. I do feel that the pieces are beginning to fall into place.

 

[NDguy]

Ever since I was 5, I remembered that my uncle touched my penis on multiple occasions. When asked to stop, he said he will only stop if I started wearing underwear (I was going commando due to sensory issue). Other adults were around, but it was seen as teasing. But I clearly remembered it continued even after I started to wear an underwear. He also liked to squeeze my butt, and there was once when we were alone in a bathroom, he showed me his penis. I didn’t know how to feel about that and I ran away.

Part 1: The first memories

Or at least that was what I used to believe. After I have unloaded my experience with my perp uncle, I was reminded of my own physical abuse. According to my aunt, when I was around 2, my dad was violent to me. Once, they saw that my dad held me upside down by my ankles, and beat me up badly. Apparently that incident lead my mom to forbade my dad from “disciplining” me. We never really had a good relationship ever since. I was always afraid of him even though I don’t remember the beating. But the fact that I am shaking while typing probably means the body remembered.

My dad was an absent dad, just there for financial support, and nothing more. I believe he shaped me to fear men of authority or just physically bigger men.

And then the abuse by my uncle happened. The horrible thing is that my mom tried to do everything right. She was there to physically stop my uncle whenever she sees it. But as a full time working mother of 5 young kids, me being the youngest, she could only be there for each of us as much as she could.

I now remember that the abuse happened quite often. Almost weekly for some years. My dad had a weekly gathering with his friends and my uncles to consume alcohol until they were pissed drunk. On weeks that was not at my house, I would be forced to follow my dad to go to his house, or some other gathering places. Because mom needed a break from overworking herself. Staying at home with mom was not an option. I had to protect myself.

As a defense mechanism, I would always cover my penis and buttocks whenever I walked around him. I always hid in rooms whenever I can, while most of my cousins and siblings were out there playing together. I felt safer being separated from the adults.
I have gotten so used to it that I don’t even remember when it stopped. Perhaps when my dad cut ties with him when I was 11 or 12.

The effects of this experience probably explains why I am quite introverted and anxious.

To be continued…

 

[GaD3!]

I will try to face it. Somehow I don’t have much will to live on. And I recognize this is quite troubling. I keep reminding myself that my wife and child need me.

It helped me to get started with my psychotherapy, and next week will be my first EDMR session. I am afraid of it to be honest. The moment I managed to safe keep some disturbing memories (that will be dealt with together with my T in the next sessions) more memories crept back into my mind.

I must continue. I felt more hopeful reading the comments and stories here. I shall not give up.

I am glad to hear that you are addressing your memories with EMDR, I have done a lot of EMDR and yes it is not easy, and at times painful, but the benefits are worth the effort. If you are not familiar with EMDR check out the EMDR Institue website, it is all explained.

As far as not having the will to live. I understand this completely, many of us deal with these thoughts and feeling, it is very common for survivors to have these feelings. Just remind yourself, as you know your wife and child need you. You can never give up, If you give up those who abused you are then victorious. There is always hope, you have to cling to hope. I am much older than you- I know what I am talking about, so listen to the old goat! Take care.

 

[NDguy]

I am glad to hear that you are addressing your memories with EMDR, I have done a lot of EMDR and yes it is not easy, and at times painful, but the benefits are worth the effort. If you are not familiar with EMDR check out the EMDR Institue website, it is all explained.

As far as not having the will to live. I understand this completely, many of us deal with these thoughts and feeling, it is very common for survivors to have these feelings. Just remind yourself, as you know your wife and child need you. You can never give up, If you give up those who abused you are then victorious. There is always hope, you have to cling to hope. I am much older than you- I know what I am talking about, so listen to the old goat! Take care.

T had a test run with me last session. But I was probably not doing it right, so going to try again next session. I read it up like you said. Sounds promising, but I guess I am just being skeptical.

Yes, I will listen to the wise man!!!!
I will light up the fire in me and keep going on!!! You take care too.

 

[NDguy]

This does make me wonder if this has shaped my understanding in my own personal boundaries.

Part 2: Growing up in a big family

“Did you have a good childhood?”
My answer to this question about half a year ago would be abso-fucking-lutely.

But after the trigger that got me here today, I must say that my mind is really bloody brilliant. It totally fooled me to believe that it was nothing less than great. As I write my story, it is now clear to me that my mind wanted me to believe that.

Back to I was about 6, I started to grow some pubes. Odd. No clue why did it start so early. But boy oh boy, I enjoyed touching myself since I was 8. I know it wasn’t right, but the urge was there. Reading some the stories here made me realize that kids weren’t supposed to touch themselves that way. I guess my mind had already been fucked up by then.

Being the youngest of 5, I was physically smaller, weaker and of course, less tough. Then there were all the teasing from my siblings - my nickname was little dick. I would often get comments from them like “you’re like a girl, or sissy, or be a man, or man up”. One memory that popped up was when I was around 8, my sister (5 years older) would refuse to role play with me unless I dress as a girl. She insisted it was a girls game. I was naive, and I did. I even put on her lingerie. We did this when my parents were busy. Luckily nothing sexual..? I did feel quite effeminate by then.

My mom certainly did not help that either. I overheard her telling others that her wish before I was born was for me to be a girl. I don’t think she meant ill. Just a wish I guess. But I understood that as girls are more precious than boys. I did start to dislike my penis. I thought it would be better if I was a girl. Then no one would touch me there (HAHAHAHA-stupid naive me).

Naturally I had extremely low self esteem. A weakling. All these being internalized for years really took a toll on me. I started to fantasize about mutilating my penis. At one point I used a pair of scissors to try to cut it off. But it was too painful the moment my skin started to break. The pain saved my appendage. I did less damaging things like inserting the blade into my urethra. I never attempted that again, but I still fantasize about it every now and then.

Oh yes, my two older brothers (2 & 3 years older). Maybe not too out of expectations, boys being boys will always be curious about sex. But having to babysit me, they introduced porn to me when I was 10 as they were exploring it themselves.

By 11 my sexual behaviour was up another notch. I started to bare myself in public places. The constant self touching. In the classroom. Toilet. Basically everywhere with people. The thrill of being caught was just too exciting. But luckily I was never caught. Thank god for that… And then my reproductive organs were finally ready. And I came for the first time.

TBC

 

[NDguy]

Part 3: Boy with many faces

Feeling humiliated was my daily life. All these negativities get stuck to you real quick when people around you consistently send out these messages. With zero confidence and by then raging with preteen hormones, I entered the vicious cycle of porn - masturbation - shame & guilt. It’s like I want to shame myself. I’d tie myself and lay down naked in the balcony while the house was full of people. It was always a close call to being caught.

All these while, I have developed many masks to protect myself. The “good boy - please use me as a servant” for my whole family, and the “funny guy” in front of the boys, and the “kind guy” in front of the girls. For all these personalities, one thing remained the same: I was shy as hell. Ironic that this shy person is actually an exhibitionist.

But school life took a bad turn. Stupid fights lead me to become a social pariah. My teenage brain did not think right…

I really craved for attention and acceptance. I even lied about how awesome and funny my dad was. I don’t think I talked more than a few words to him daily.

When I was 17, my dad hit my sister (then 22) quite badly in front of me. I did not know it then but it caused me to have anxiety around my dad after that for many years to come. Great… Low self esteem, effeminate guy with porn addiction and tendencies for self harm. Add anxiety to the mix please! How bad can it get right?

Also just to point out that I did not have any sort of romantic relationship with anyone until my 20s.

By 19, luckily, or unluckily, I made it to the university.

TBC

 

[R0b25]

Part 3: Boy with many faces

Feeling humiliated was my daily life. All these negativities get stuck to you real quick when people around you consistently send out these messages. With zero confidence and by then raging with preteen hormones, I entered the vicious cycle of porn - masturbation - shame & guilt. It’s like I want to shame myself. I’d tie myself and lay down naked in the balcony while the house was full of people. It was always a close call to being caught.

All these while, I have developed many masks to protect myself. The “good boy - please use me as a servant” for my whole family, and the “funny guy” in front of the boys, and the “kind guy” in front of the girls. For all these personalities, one thing remained the same: I was shy as hell. Ironic that this shy person is actually an exhibitionist.

But school life took a bad turn. Stupid fights lead me to become a social pariah. My teenage brain did not think right…

I really craved for attention and acceptance. I even lied about how awesome and funny my dad was. I don’t think I talked more than a few words to him daily.

When I was 17, my dad hit my sister (then 22) quite badly in front of me. I did not know it then but it caused me to have anxiety around my dad after that for many years to come. Great… Low self esteem, effeminate guy with porn addiction and tendencies for self harm. Add anxiety to the mix please! How bad can it get right?

Also just to point out that I did not have any sort of romantic relationship with anyone until my 20s.

By 19, luckily, or unluckily, I made it to the university.

TBC

Brother, Your story is totally valid. Everyone’s story is unique on here/on MS/in the world. It’s not our fault for the abuse/what other people did. The things you describe are quite normal for victims of abuse. I can relate to your story even though it is different than mine. I relate to the guilt/wondering if my story is valid. confidence issues. The too much of a nice guy. People pleasing. & the coping mechanisms. I for example pained myself deliberately even though I was going through a lot of cyber sexual exploitation in my teenage years. Many on MS have these issues. You’re def not alone & it is def valid. Take care!

 

[NDguy]

Thank you Rob25. Sorry that you were exploited… I just wished that these information regarding MS were more readily available. The very least is we shouldn’t have to feel alone while suffering and able to get some help.

 

[R0b25]

Thank you Rob25. Sorry that you were exploited… I just wished that these information regarding MS were more readily available. The very least is we shouldn’t have to feel alone while suffering and able to get some help.

Anytime brother. Thank you…. I so agree. For all the victims

 

[NDguy]

Part 4: Leaving the nest

One thing my mom did to protect me back then was to never let me stay overnight with untrustworthy people/relatives. It definitely did the job it intended to, I was safe in my sleep.

But the time has come for me to continue my education in a university far from home.
So for the first time in 19 years, I had to stay in an all boys dormitory. By this time, my uncle had been absent from my life for several years. The memories of the abuse were already deeply suppressed.

I had always been quite introverted, I tend to trust people quite easily, maybe gullible and naive. Socializing had always been difficult for me. But I was lucky, I come from a middle class suburb area, people whom I call friends back there were all kind and trustworthy.

I didn’t know my privilege of course. So my nativity let me believe that people in Uni will be friendly too. I made some new friends there quite easily.

The Uni perp, let’s call him Al, he appeared to be the ‘too cool to care’ type, somewhat similar to those rude alpha male behavior. For reasons I cannot fathom, he was really popular, so most people wanted to be his friend. Out of the blue, he befriended me.

Unlike what his appearance want others to believe, he was actually really kind, friendly and caring. Very thoughtful, and sensitive to my needs (I have sensory issues - so I am quite fussy/picky). He helped me a lot, we spent a lot of time together.

It did seem a bit odd to me that he started to show his more gentle and caring side when he’s alone with me, but when others are present, he would be his old self. But i didn’t pay much attention to that. I liked that for once, a friend took my whining seriously and did not make fun of me.
As months passed, I was sexually assaulted.

Fast forward to 19, I went to university and lived in the boy’s dorm. Got befriended by the perp. I trusted him as a friend. Little did I know that he was slowly desensitizing me to his touch. Looking back, it started with his hands on my shoulder, neck, then arms, cheeks, then thigh… He had also been finding excuses to share my bed. Nothing happened for the first few times.

But the very last time he shared my bed, I woke up to a strange sensation. He put my hand inside his underwear, fondling his penis. I was shocked and I froze. Then he proceeded to fondle mine. It felt like eternity as I pretended to be sound asleep. Eventually it stopped.

When it happened, I remembered that my mind left my body. My eyes were closed, and I felt like I was on the ceiling of my room, looking down at us. My hand fondling him, his hand on mine. I was aroused, I was confused. I don’t quite know how to explain the emotions. Perhaps I might find out more after my T session.

So after what felt like eternity, he let my hand go, and he went to sleep. I don’t remember if he ejaculated or not. Perhaps not. I remained rock hard until some hours later. I was wide awake all the time, but too afraid to move or to wake him up.

The image of him assaulting me had been then ingrained in my mind. My erection somehow disgusted me. I went to the bathroom, took a shower, and I M at the thought of my assault. And I felt dirty and shameful ever since.

I know now that i have been taking the blame wrongly, but the young me only knew that it was my fault, and I have somehow asked for it. The feelings were too much to bare. I confided the first part of my assault to my best friend. But his untrained reaction reinforced my false beliefs on personal boundaries.

Him taking it lightly, being curious about the minute details that I couldn’t share, and the amused expression… What a familiar feeling… It’s people teasing me again it seems. So as far as he knew, Al touched me. Nothing more.

My T said that this moment was a crucial moment. I was able to seek help and support from a trusted friend, but it wasn’t the right support that I desperately needed.

TBC

 

[NDguy]

Part 5: Losing control

I needed an answer. I felt like I have lost control of the narrative.

What was that feeling that I had? I had an erection when I was touched by Al. Thinking about it only makes me hard again. I guess gay porn was inevitable. I had to find out. (It was a big mistake - I still have strong urges to watch GP until now.)

I remembered M to GP was like a different kind of orgasm. But I felt shame and guilt every single time. I thought that my question was answered.

Somehow GP was not enough. The more I consume, the stronger my desire to have sex with a real person. So I put my 19 years old self on a few gay hookup websites. The signing up recommended me to select my preferred position..? I had no clue. Whatever. Perhaps versatile, maybe leaning towards bottom. Just needed sex.

I have always known to be cautious with strangers, especially on the internet. But I was doing the opposite of staying safe. I was approached by a guy about twice my age (let’s call him Andy). Quite shortly afterwards I met him at his room in a hotel. I remembered feeling nervous but he seemed nice. I am not tall, the average Asian height. Andy was probably around 1.9-2 meters.

I got a bit nervous due to our size difference, since I didn’t expect him to be way taller than me. He tried to calm me, had a nice little chat. And he whipped his dick out. Wow… A real fully erected dick in front of me. I told myself this must be the moment I have been waiting for. Without much hesitation, he stuffed his dick into my mouth and I just worked on it. It felt great when I was at it.

Naturally it progressed to anal. He did ask for consent, and since he did, I felt more relaxed and agreed to it. Alas, my first time, and he promised that he would be gentle. And he did. At least for the first part. He might not have used enough lube, it was a bit painful but a lot of pleasure. It ended with him cumming into my mouth. I was not sure what to do with it, so I swallowed it. I wasn’t even afraid of STI even though I am well aware of it. It was a risk worth taking, that was all I could think of.

I am fairly convinced at this point that I am not straight. Straight guys don’t have sex with other men right? But I owned the narrative. It was my choice. I felt some sense of control over my own life.

That evening, I went back to shower. It was quite a painful moment; the water stings quite badly. I noticed that the water flowing down was red. I didn’t know I was bleeding.

I waited until the next day to ask Andy if it’s normal to bleed like that or if he had noticed. He told me it was normal, and no… Oh okay… So I hooked up with him again on that same evening.

It was a bit odd that he seemed to be in a hurry. After he came, he explained he had an appointment with his girlfriend and I was quickly kicked out of the room. I felt quite degraded and humiliated, like a mistress thrown out right after sex, but somehow it…. felt right…?

It was as clear as it could have been, I was asking for it. I wanted to be dominated, used, and humiliated by other men. Because I felt like I deserved it.

The last hookup went a bit overboard. The usual stuff happened. I was bent over, on my fours, trying to stabilize myself to not fall over from his thrusts. Out of the blue, I heard some camera clicking sounds. I wanted to turn my head around but I was not able to. I was truly vulnerable and helpless at that point. Soon enough, he bent forward, extended his hand with the camera phone, clearly pointing it at my face, then I realized that he was now taking a video. Fuck.

TBC

 

[NDguy]

Part 6: The wake up call

I did not think that I had any choice in it. I wouldn’t be able to report even if I wanted to… Homosexuality is illegal from where I came from. We would both end up in jail for engaging in such sexual activity. While the thoughts were running through my head, my body reacted differently. The heightened sensation caused me to come. Andy came after me.

After cleaning up, we sat down to talk. The pictures and videos were to be shared with his girlfriend, as she was very interested in his bisexuality. Somehow I did not get any post nut clarity. I got aroused thinking that another person would see me getting fucked. My lustful mind was in control. I requested for a copy of those.

I truly regret it now. I wish I could turn back time to undo these mistakes. I should have set firm boundaries. I shouldn’t be taken advantage of. But I can’t.

Needless to say, these materials were used by myself for many years to come. But there was a silver lining. Getting surprised by him did eventually help my mind think straight again. Andy requested for a cuckold session; with his girlfriend watching us in action. I am proud to say that I declined it, as I feared for my safety. I would not have been able to anticipate what else he might have done to me. It was the first time after the SA by Al, but fear finally caught on. Took me a year to realize the risky things I have done to myself.

Even after the SA by Al, we remained close friends. After all, I truly believed that it was my own fault. Even so, a part of me was deeply unsettled.
I can’t remember what happened exactly, but I finally confronted Al about that night. I told him that I was fully aware when he touched me that night.
“Really?”, he replied with a smile. And it was as if nothing had happened, as he continued on with other topics.
I was taken aback by his response, or lack of reaction to be precise. I guess he was no longer interested in me. If he would have reacted differently, I might have let him dominate me.

My sex life had finally slowed down, the memory of SA was buried deep within me.
At this point, I believed that I was gay.