Incestuous Abuse For those survivors who had parents as perps. Some good things to remember

[Duckie]

I for one seem to still search for reasons to believe they loved me even now? It's a common and complex reaction to seek validation and love from those who have harmed us, especially when they are our parents. I still struggle with the desire to prove to myself that they loved us in some way. Here are some of the reasons why.

This behavior can be attributed to several psychological factors: Attachment and Bonding: Children naturally form strong emotional bonds with their parents. Even when those parents are abusive, the child may still seek the security and love that comes with that attachment.

Trauma Bonding: This occurs when a victim forms a strong emotional bond with their abuser. It's a survival mechanism that can make the victim feel protective of the abuser and seek their approval.

Hope for Change: There's often a deep-seated hope that the abuser will change and become the loving parent the child needs. This hope can be hard to let go of, even when faced with overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Self-Worth and Validation: Abused children often grow up feeling flawed or unlovable. Seeking reasons to believe their parents loved them can be a way to validate their own worth and search for a sense of belonging.

Complex PTSD: Chronic abuse, especially from a primary caregiver, can lead to Complex PTSD. This can result in a range of emotional and psychological issues, including a continued search for love and approval from the abuser.

Lack of Other Role Models: If the abusers are the primary or only caregivers, the child may not have other positive role models to turn to for a healthy understanding of love and support. Guilt and Shame: Feelings of guilt and shame are common among abuse survivors. A child might believe that if they can just understand their parents' actions, they can alleviate some of that guilt and shame.

Fear of Abandonment: There can be a fear that if they let go of the hope for their parents' love, they will be truly abandoned and alone. Cognitive Dissonance: This is the mental conflict that arises when a person holds two or more contradictory beliefs, values, or ideas. In this case, the conflict between knowing the abuse happened and wanting to believe in their parents' love.

Nostalgia and Selective Memory: Children may remember the good times and block out the bad, creating a rosier picture of their past and their parents' love. It's important to acknowledge that these feelings are valid and a normal response to an abnormal situation. Seeking therapy can help you work through these complex emotions and gain a healthier perspective on your experiences and your self-worth.

Its complicated and its messy. When someone figures out all of this please send me a brief message with all the answer please!

 

[tgslair]

Yeah, I would love to know the answer to that as well. My situation is a little different in that my dad was not my abuser. But out of your list, I can check most of them off in agreement. At six years old, my dad walked me to the bus stop and said he had to go away for a while. No big deal he was in the military. He went away all the time. I wouldn’t find out for some 20 years that he had married another woman, abandoned my mother, and signed away all rights to me. This would be the spiral that would lead to my 11 years of hell. He would not return into my life until late in my adulthood. And here I sit, typing this, knowing that he will be here to visit me in a couple hours. And I am immediately returned to that six-year-old child. I want his approval and his validation and his love. Cognitive Dissonance: I know I should hold him responsible for what happened, but I don’t. My selective memory holds onto the wonderful memories we had before he left. I guess this is one of Life‘s mysteries that we will never understand.

 

[Duckie]

Yeah, I would love to know the answer to that as well. My situation is a little different in that my dad was not my abuser. But out of your list, I can check most of them off in agreement. At six years old, my dad walked me to the bus stop and said he had to go away for a while. No big deal he was in the military. He went away all the time. I wouldn’t find out for some 20 years that he had married another woman, abandoned my mother, and signed away all rights to me. This would be the spiral that would lead to my 11 years of hell. He would not return into my life until late in my adulthood. And here I sit, typing this, knowing that he will be here to visit me in a couple hours. And I am immediately returned to that six-year-old child. I want his approval and his validation and his love. Cognitive Dissonance: I know I should hold him responsible for what happened, but I don’t. My selective memory holds onto the wonderful memories we had before he left. I guess this is one of Life‘s mysteries that we will never understand.

I am so sorry TGS,

 

[MO-Survivor]

Its complicated and its messy. When someone figures out all of this please send me a brief message with all the answer please!

It is complicated and messy for sure.

Items you listed that I have had to deal with:

• Attachment and Bonding - 100% have had to deal with this. Additionally, my T pointed out that healthy detachment can be something that doesn’t happen when a parent is the abuser. When we don’t feel safe, finding independence and detachment can be something that never happens. And… if detachment never happens, we will try over and over to recreate a situation where it can happen to try and get it right. This never happened for me with my parents, so I had to finally detach on my own
• Trauma Bonding - of course I was trauma bonded. He was my dad. And he wasn’t heartless and was fatherly in many ways
• Hope for Change - yep. My whole life until age 56. It’s why I’m an eternal optimist. I needed him to be the dad I needed. I had no one else
• Lack of Other Role Models - I had non until I was 18. And thankfully he never ever took advantage of my needs. Instead, he met them like a dad
• Fear of Abandonment - oh yeah. This one was huge for me. I still live with this fear and At some level believe, “Everyone always leaves. Everyone I get close to - leaves.”
• Nostalgia and Selective Memory - I had plenty of these memories and emotions in order to keep my dad in the “good” category

These things keep us trapped and prevent our healing. But this also explains to others why I tried so hard and for so long to try and reconcile. Why I didn’t just say, “Screw you!” and walk away from them forever. With all these “hooks” in a kid because their parent is the abuser, it takes an incredibly long time to process things and get unhooked.

Thank you for sharing @Duckie!

 

[MO-Survivor]

My selective memory holds onto the wonderful memories we had before he left. I guess this is one of Life‘s mysteries that we will never understand.

For me, this is because the boy in me needed those memories. And he needed to have a good dad. So, I held onto the good and kept it at the forefront, lest the awful things swallowed them up.

Because if my dad wasn’t good… what did that say about me, and what would life be like? If he wasn’t good - it must be my fault. I was the reason he did those bad things… right?

 

[MO-Survivor]

My selective memory holds onto the wonderful memories we had before he left. I guess this is one of Life‘s mysteries that we will never understand.

For me, this is because the boy in me needed those memories. And he needed to have a good dad. So, I held onto the good and kept it at the forefront, lest the awful things swallowed them up.

Because if my dad wasn’t good… what did that say about me, and what would life be like? If he wasn’t good - it must be my fault. I was the reason he did those bad things… right?

 

[smc1972]

Reading what you what stuck me because I can fully relate to all of if especially the last one,Nostalgia and Selective Memory. Was my entire life growing up even into adulthood.

 

[Duckie]

I still have a complete disconnect in my head, reinforced by my kids who only knew the fun grandpa. The pillar of the community, the guy who rescued the sheep dogs and built the AA Hall out of his pocket.

 

[Jack1]

Reading what you what stuck me because I can fully relate to all of if especially the last one,Nostalgia and Selective Memory. Was my entire life growing up even into adulthood.

The same here. One day in therapy I came to the realization that my family was not the wonderful all American family I thought it was.

I still have a complete disconnect in my head, reinforced by my kids who only knew the fun grandpa.

My father and my children's grandpa was fun when he was sober which unfortunately wasn't often.

 

[LRD]

@Duckie, thanks for posting these. They are huge and I’m sure they will help many.
I held onto Hope until he took his last breath.
Was diagnosed with CPTSD not long after I started working with my T. Unfortunately I think that I can relate to all of them at different times during and after the abuse many those that linger long after it’s over.

 

[Bluedogone]

Thanks so much for your post @Duckie

Even though I may have won the lottery for good parents, and they were definitely not abusive, your points still have so much connectivity to me in my healing journey. This strange but powerful brotherhood of survivors seems only stronger, no matter the identity of the abuser.

 

[Duckie]

it is interesting to see that these things transcend the levels of abuse in parents. interesting

 

[TommyBoy]

Thank you for you post. My dad was one of my abusers. I want to believe he loved me.

 

[GaD3!]

Yeah, I would love to know the answer to that as well. My situation is a little different in that my dad was not my abuser. But out of your list, I can check most of them off in agreement. At six years old, my dad walked me to the bus stop and said he had to go away for a while. No big deal he was in the military. He went away all the time. I wouldn’t find out for some 20 years that he had married another woman, abandoned my mother, and signed away all rights to me. This would be the spiral that would lead to my 11 years of hell. He would not return into my life until late in my adulthood. And here I sit, typing this, knowing that he will be here to visit me in a couple hours. And I am immediately returned to that six-year-old child. I want his approval and his validation and his love. Cognitive Dissonance: I know I should hold him responsible for what happened, but I don’t. My selective memory holds onto the wonderful memories we had before he left. I guess this is one of Life‘s mysteries that we will never understand.

I am so sorry that your father abandoned you. I can not understand how a father can leave their children. As a father I find this heart breaking. It is understandable that you still want the love of your father. I hope the visit goes well. Take care.

 

[GaD3!]

Thank you for you post. My dad was one of my abusers. I want to believe he loved me.

It is in our human nature to cling to that desire and belief that our parents loved us, even the abusive ones. Maybe deep down inside they did, I don't know.

 

[GaD3!]

My parents did not sexually abuse me, but abusive in other ways. I felt rejected by my father as a very small boy and that seemed to be reinforced throughout my childhood. I was sure he hated my guts and the feeling was mutual. As an adult my heart softened and I was able to reach out to him. Unfortunately he got sick and died before we could develop much of relationship. My mother not much better and I never knew love growing up. As others have stated, I too clung to that false image of a good family etc.. When I was in my 40's the realization came to me that I never felt loved as a child, and the that rosy picture was a facade. Hard to face, but everything made sense. Part of me knew it all along- I always felt I was on my own, like no one was there for me, as a ten year old I was left with no doubts and that I had less value than the dog. My mother was a very good grandmother to my children, so maybe they learn from their disastrous mistakes? One good thing from my own upbringing I knew what NOT to do when raising children.