Enabling/supporting
Mishka95673
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Enabling/supporting
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I believe there is definitely a defining line between enabling and supporting. An enabler I truly believe they are acting in the best interest of whom they are protecting. However, I believe enablers act out of shame, fear or to protect themselves. Lying is one example of what an enabler does. I was told I was an enabler of a hostile situation I faced. By giving financial support or giving in I was only enabling further acts on me. I have learned an enabler, and when abuse is involved, the victim can be the enabler. I also learned from many wise people and professionals,if one gives emotional or financial support to one who abuses or holds a problem, they only enable the abuse to continue and the problem to persist. It was suggested I cease. Lying is one example of enabling, hiding the problem. Lying can be individual or a group that bands together to protect themselves from what they have done.
Supporting is a fine line, one does not develop co-dependencies which is often common with enablers. Enablers can become co-dependent with their co-enablers as well as those with the issue. The one with the problem in an enabling relationship often holds the power. For example a battered spouse, the battering spouse often holds the power while the battered spouse remains silent, a parent with guilt for not being their for their child allows the power to shift to the child. The child uses to exert control and the child develops long term emotional issues. The parent enables by not taking control.
I have heard many discussions on enabling. It is all too common in problem situations. But facing and resolving is ofter difficult.
Supporting is a fine line, one does not develop co-dependencies which is often common with enablers. Enablers can become co-dependent with their co-enablers as well as those with the issue. The one with the problem in an enabling relationship often holds the power. For example a battered spouse, the battering spouse often holds the power while the battered spouse remains silent, a parent with guilt for not being their for their child allows the power to shift to the child. The child uses to exert control and the child develops long term emotional issues. The parent enables by not taking control.
I have heard many discussions on enabling. It is all too common in problem situations. But facing and resolving is ofter difficult.
I've been trying to think a lot about this. I think I was an enabler in a few situations. Taking care of the pets, and maybe at work. However, my boyfriend did a lot for me too. So often, I felt like it was more of a mutual respect, than me actually enabling. But I am probably wrong and unable to see it correctly still.
I never had shame/fear when I was enabling. It was more annoyance. With the dogs, we are just completely different. I put them on human being level, and he for a long time just treated them like his "pets". He changed a lot in the course of dating, but I think maybe it was to make me happy? I would always say "go give so and so a hug and kiss they have missed you all day!" I went to town more often, and would buy their food quite a bit. Something I know he wouldn't have done as much for my dog. However, I did it because they needed the food. I think that's considered enabling. (He would buy things like snowmobiles so I had one, and bought me an expensive mountain bike so I felt like things evened out) I read online that looking for jobs for your boyfriend is enabling. But what if the boyfriend is looking for jobs also, and you're just helping?
There seem to be so many ways to look at it and different ways of handling it.
I do feel like my relationship was a little bit different because even though I was (in comparison to the battered spouse) the one who was getting hurt, I wasn't staying silent (at least am feeling I wasn't). I was making us talk about things, trying to be open, having us go to therapy. I guess I could be seen as enabling because I stayed with him?
Supporting seems so cold. And difficult to do from a safe distance. I'm really looking forward to getting some therapy to help me through these difficult times.
Right now my current situation is, that my guy sold his house. He is hoping to buy a different house, but the lady who he's buying from hasn't said yes and has been dragging out the process. Since our dog died at his home while he was in process of selling house, I knew that he may need to get out and away. Not sit looking out the window where it all happened as it was quite traumatic for him. I told him he could stay at my house since I'm gone and until he has somewhere to go...but, where is he to go? The homes where we live are SO extremely expensive and he has found one he has been approved for and the process is taking a long time (unfortunately, I don't think he will get it...but I hope he does). I probably shouldn't have offered him to stay at our house (he had been renting his previous one before we hit trouble, and then moved back to his house when I asked him to leave). I was concerned for his health, his neighborhood was depressing him. He kept saying it was feeling like regression being there. That out his window was happy kids (subdivision neighborhood) everywhere, families. All the things were depressing. Now, my problem is I will be coming back home in a week or so...and where do I go from there? I think part of him jumped the opportunity to sell his house and come to mine because he thinks it will increase our chances of being together. It is kind of stressing me out because I don't want to kick him out, he's been going through a lot. Also there's a housing crisis where we live as it is. It's a tourist town with extremely high prices, too many locals not enough living space and the homes are half a million dollars and up. I do have a little studio above the detached garage at my home. Maybe I will have him stay there? I want to do the supportive not enabling thing.
I also think I enabled him at work when we worked together. Our friend (a girl) called me an enabler once! It hurt my feelings. I was just helping him in my mind. In turn, me helping him at work (when we worked in a different department than now) also helped me. I learned a TON from him, he taught me more about my job than anyone had taken the time wtih, and I also got a raise during me helping him so much. So I felt like it was mutually beneficial.
Ironically he just texted me saying he has been anxious about his busy work day. He said " Tomorrow is so busy and I am nervous about it. All this week actually and I realized why I was having so much anxiety. It's because I won't have you there to help me. Lol I might not pull it off"
In a way I was kind of happy (that sounds evil, i don't mean happy he's stressed) But happy that he is seeing how much I tried to help. I know he will get the job done regardless, he always does and he's awesome at what he does. But we were a great team, and I knew to tackle the other things that he was working on without him even asking, to get the job done faster. We were an awesome team and he would often tell me and thank me for all of my help. He always recognized that I did a lot for him, and in turn he would leave things to help me whenever I needed it at work too. So, enabling. Yes, but I honestly felt it was mutual. Maybe I did a little bit more, but isn't there always that person in the relationship that does a little more? I just enjoy helping. And it doesn't hurt when you love the person.
I guess it's all more food for thought. I really like your insight. And appreciate the new light you have shed on the topic. Thank you!
Mishka, I'm still thinking about your response...have a lot on my mind to address!
I never had shame/fear when I was enabling. It was more annoyance. With the dogs, we are just completely different. I put them on human being level, and he for a long time just treated them like his "pets". He changed a lot in the course of dating, but I think maybe it was to make me happy? I would always say "go give so and so a hug and kiss they have missed you all day!" I went to town more often, and would buy their food quite a bit. Something I know he wouldn't have done as much for my dog. However, I did it because they needed the food. I think that's considered enabling. (He would buy things like snowmobiles so I had one, and bought me an expensive mountain bike so I felt like things evened out) I read online that looking for jobs for your boyfriend is enabling. But what if the boyfriend is looking for jobs also, and you're just helping?
There seem to be so many ways to look at it and different ways of handling it.
I do feel like my relationship was a little bit different because even though I was (in comparison to the battered spouse) the one who was getting hurt, I wasn't staying silent (at least am feeling I wasn't). I was making us talk about things, trying to be open, having us go to therapy. I guess I could be seen as enabling because I stayed with him?
Supporting seems so cold. And difficult to do from a safe distance. I'm really looking forward to getting some therapy to help me through these difficult times.
Right now my current situation is, that my guy sold his house. He is hoping to buy a different house, but the lady who he's buying from hasn't said yes and has been dragging out the process. Since our dog died at his home while he was in process of selling house, I knew that he may need to get out and away. Not sit looking out the window where it all happened as it was quite traumatic for him. I told him he could stay at my house since I'm gone and until he has somewhere to go...but, where is he to go? The homes where we live are SO extremely expensive and he has found one he has been approved for and the process is taking a long time (unfortunately, I don't think he will get it...but I hope he does). I probably shouldn't have offered him to stay at our house (he had been renting his previous one before we hit trouble, and then moved back to his house when I asked him to leave). I was concerned for his health, his neighborhood was depressing him. He kept saying it was feeling like regression being there. That out his window was happy kids (subdivision neighborhood) everywhere, families. All the things were depressing. Now, my problem is I will be coming back home in a week or so...and where do I go from there? I think part of him jumped the opportunity to sell his house and come to mine because he thinks it will increase our chances of being together. It is kind of stressing me out because I don't want to kick him out, he's been going through a lot. Also there's a housing crisis where we live as it is. It's a tourist town with extremely high prices, too many locals not enough living space and the homes are half a million dollars and up. I do have a little studio above the detached garage at my home. Maybe I will have him stay there? I want to do the supportive not enabling thing.
I also think I enabled him at work when we worked together. Our friend (a girl) called me an enabler once! It hurt my feelings. I was just helping him in my mind. In turn, me helping him at work (when we worked in a different department than now) also helped me. I learned a TON from him, he taught me more about my job than anyone had taken the time wtih, and I also got a raise during me helping him so much. So I felt like it was mutually beneficial.
Ironically he just texted me saying he has been anxious about his busy work day. He said " Tomorrow is so busy and I am nervous about it. All this week actually and I realized why I was having so much anxiety. It's because I won't have you there to help me. Lol I might not pull it off"
In a way I was kind of happy (that sounds evil, i don't mean happy he's stressed) But happy that he is seeing how much I tried to help. I know he will get the job done regardless, he always does and he's awesome at what he does. But we were a great team, and I knew to tackle the other things that he was working on without him even asking, to get the job done faster. We were an awesome team and he would often tell me and thank me for all of my help. He always recognized that I did a lot for him, and in turn he would leave things to help me whenever I needed it at work too. So, enabling. Yes, but I honestly felt it was mutual. Maybe I did a little bit more, but isn't there always that person in the relationship that does a little more? I just enjoy helping. And it doesn't hurt when you love the person.
I guess it's all more food for thought. I really like your insight. And appreciate the new light you have shed on the topic. Thank you!
Mishka, I'm still thinking about your response...have a lot on my mind to address!
Mishka95673
Registrant
Be well
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Oh yes! I totally know what you mean Mishka! I love your examples, seriously they are great!
I guess my question originally went towards KMCINVA at the end of his post going back to the enabling/supporting discussion. But I think my question was twofold, it obviously applies to where our conversation has gone as well, and has been a lingering thought in that area too.
You're right though. Society, and especially my friends it seems have such a standard. They are very serious about "lying." And say things like "ew, he lied. I could NEVER be with someone like that." And they're being serious. They wouldn't. They'd be gone. And you know what, their husbands don't lie! The one friend has an AWESOME relationship that I admire. She just happened to find a guy that holds the same values and so far, in their lives they've known nothing but good things with each other. Obviously like everyone, they will face trying times together but I honestly see them and don't think they'll ever have trust issues. It's nice to see.
That's a whole other issue, I often COMPARE. Worst thing I could ever do. I look at them, and think...well I deserve that too. You're right, we can have our own definition of what works for us. Our couples therapist said once "It's up to you, and your boundaries. I may not allow my husband to smoke in front of me, but he can yell at me. You may be able to handle the smoke as long as he doesn't yell at you."
The soul-searching continues...It's nice to have these thoughts out though. And with people who get it.
I guess my question originally went towards KMCINVA at the end of his post going back to the enabling/supporting discussion. But I think my question was twofold, it obviously applies to where our conversation has gone as well, and has been a lingering thought in that area too.
You're right though. Society, and especially my friends it seems have such a standard. They are very serious about "lying." And say things like "ew, he lied. I could NEVER be with someone like that." And they're being serious. They wouldn't. They'd be gone. And you know what, their husbands don't lie! The one friend has an AWESOME relationship that I admire. She just happened to find a guy that holds the same values and so far, in their lives they've known nothing but good things with each other. Obviously like everyone, they will face trying times together but I honestly see them and don't think they'll ever have trust issues. It's nice to see.
That's a whole other issue, I often COMPARE. Worst thing I could ever do. I look at them, and think...well I deserve that too. You're right, we can have our own definition of what works for us. Our couples therapist said once "It's up to you, and your boundaries. I may not allow my husband to smoke in front of me, but he can yell at me. You may be able to handle the smoke as long as he doesn't yell at you."
The soul-searching continues...It's nice to have these thoughts out though. And with people who get it.
Ah, this has taken me SO long to get back to! I wanted the time to "think" and respond without feeling rushed.
Yes, dog situation-I am able to set that aside. But we both are stuck in some sadness from it, naturally.
Wow, how a week goes by and I feel in SUCH a different place. My mother's sadness will always hurt me of course. Because no one wants to see someone they love and care about in pain. But I think spending a lot of time with her is difficult for me. It's not uncommon for her to book a trip to visit me for 2 weeks or take a long trip together. So I think that's when the overwhelming difficult feelings come on. I didn't pick the cruise ship, she did. I was a last minute add on to the trip, and discovered her choice two days in. Same responses as you. I shared with her it wasn't a good idea, but what were we to do at that point? She said she didn't think it would effect her when she was booking (Hopefully lesson learned!) My issues with the divorce have nothing to do with feeling loved. It's more of a feeling of caught in the middle pain. My dad is a functioning alcoholic - main reason for divorce, who never sought the medical attention and acceptance of his illness. My father moved on, found someone who parties with him and my mother is hurt. I feel for her pain. In essence, my father has isolated himself from his daughters. I think he obviously has a lot of guilt and negative feelings stemming from his addiction. I, am the only one in my immediate family who is able to recognize and treat my relationship with him as it is. My mother and sister, however, are not. This has put me in the middle of many battles, and countless wasted energy with differing emotions of my father. It hurst that he doesn't have a relationship with me anymore. He has done some things that are painful and hurtful, and basic family drama regarding money and lies. I often feel I have to carry that weight, as my sister and mother are not able to rationally deal with it in a calm manner. I know that in the end, this will make me stronger. I feel very weak at times, but right now - being removed from the drama and back to living my life in another state- I am feeling peace. (Thank god!)
On to the women! Um YES I would love to just rat the one out and have her fired from her job! She is the manager of our local bank, and LOVED throwing my boyfriends secret texts to her in my face. I could have EASILY contacted her manager and told him how she had clearly gotten my number from my PERSONAL information via the bank that is supposed to SAFELY and SECURELY hold my private information. But then, I just felt sad for her. She got knocked up by the town drunk and stopped all contact from me once pregnant, in fear of losing her job because she had someone to support now. I still have negative emotions when I see her and still can't go into that particular bank. She was malicious, and PRETENDED to have my best interest, but loved throwing it in my face without showing how she was reaching out, and loving the attention. The other girl. ugh. I do want to contact her. I think when I see her next, I will ask if she would like to grab a glass of wine at a common ground area and if she would mind talking with me. I can't read her as well, and who/how she is. She seems like a girl that comes from a good strong family with good morals and like she is well educated, traveled, and has a good heart. But looks can be deceiving right? I guess I'm afraid of how to phrase everything without sounding desperate. "Hey so would you mind telling me what your relationship with MY boyfriend was?" I feel so dumb that I even have to be in that position
I potentially see this girl, as someone I can have a relationship like the one woman you described. No ill will, no triggers. And possibly becoming (odd?) friends?
I think I am feeling at peace (today at least) and am realizing that just handling what I can deal with at a time is okay. Things will happen. I will eventually figure it out (hopefully). I must say that being back and around my guy has created some peace. Is it just because it's fresh, and within two weeks I may be anxious, scared, all over again? Possibly. But right now, i'm going to enjoy my heart not feeling like it's going to explode out of my chest. I am going to focus on all that you said. It is so helpful. It helps to just know I have people out there who GET IT. That today I may be at peace and tomorrow I may be DONE and tired and hurt and sick of the roller coaster that has a broken seat belt.
Yes, dog situation-I am able to set that aside. But we both are stuck in some sadness from it, naturally.
Wow, how a week goes by and I feel in SUCH a different place. My mother's sadness will always hurt me of course. Because no one wants to see someone they love and care about in pain. But I think spending a lot of time with her is difficult for me. It's not uncommon for her to book a trip to visit me for 2 weeks or take a long trip together. So I think that's when the overwhelming difficult feelings come on. I didn't pick the cruise ship, she did. I was a last minute add on to the trip, and discovered her choice two days in. Same responses as you. I shared with her it wasn't a good idea, but what were we to do at that point? She said she didn't think it would effect her when she was booking (Hopefully lesson learned!) My issues with the divorce have nothing to do with feeling loved. It's more of a feeling of caught in the middle pain. My dad is a functioning alcoholic - main reason for divorce, who never sought the medical attention and acceptance of his illness. My father moved on, found someone who parties with him and my mother is hurt. I feel for her pain. In essence, my father has isolated himself from his daughters. I think he obviously has a lot of guilt and negative feelings stemming from his addiction. I, am the only one in my immediate family who is able to recognize and treat my relationship with him as it is. My mother and sister, however, are not. This has put me in the middle of many battles, and countless wasted energy with differing emotions of my father. It hurst that he doesn't have a relationship with me anymore. He has done some things that are painful and hurtful, and basic family drama regarding money and lies. I often feel I have to carry that weight, as my sister and mother are not able to rationally deal with it in a calm manner. I know that in the end, this will make me stronger. I feel very weak at times, but right now - being removed from the drama and back to living my life in another state- I am feeling peace. (Thank god!)
On to the women! Um YES I would love to just rat the one out and have her fired from her job! She is the manager of our local bank, and LOVED throwing my boyfriends secret texts to her in my face. I could have EASILY contacted her manager and told him how she had clearly gotten my number from my PERSONAL information via the bank that is supposed to SAFELY and SECURELY hold my private information. But then, I just felt sad for her. She got knocked up by the town drunk and stopped all contact from me once pregnant, in fear of losing her job because she had someone to support now. I still have negative emotions when I see her and still can't go into that particular bank. She was malicious, and PRETENDED to have my best interest, but loved throwing it in my face without showing how she was reaching out, and loving the attention. The other girl. ugh. I do want to contact her. I think when I see her next, I will ask if she would like to grab a glass of wine at a common ground area and if she would mind talking with me. I can't read her as well, and who/how she is. She seems like a girl that comes from a good strong family with good morals and like she is well educated, traveled, and has a good heart. But looks can be deceiving right? I guess I'm afraid of how to phrase everything without sounding desperate. "Hey so would you mind telling me what your relationship with MY boyfriend was?" I feel so dumb that I even have to be in that position
I potentially see this girl, as someone I can have a relationship like the one woman you described. No ill will, no triggers. And possibly becoming (odd?) friends?
I think I am feeling at peace (today at least) and am realizing that just handling what I can deal with at a time is okay. Things will happen. I will eventually figure it out (hopefully). I must say that being back and around my guy has created some peace. Is it just because it's fresh, and within two weeks I may be anxious, scared, all over again? Possibly. But right now, i'm going to enjoy my heart not feeling like it's going to explode out of my chest. I am going to focus on all that you said. It is so helpful. It helps to just know I have people out there who GET IT. That today I may be at peace and tomorrow I may be DONE and tired and hurt and sick of the roller coaster that has a broken seat belt.
