Bottom shame as a gay male (major triggers)

[Fullofshame15]

I’ve often wondered if my abuse caused me to be a bottom as well. My abuser entered me when I was 11. Honestly, I was immediately hooked; I loved it from the start. Obviously it hurt, but when I was that age, I felt that it was a “good hurt.” Many here were really hurt very badly when they were forced to bottom for their abuser, but not me. Obviously I was “coaxed” into doing it, as I was incredibly naive and innocent and had no idea that anyone would do such a thing, but I absolutely loved it right away. I’ve been a bottom essentially my whole life and have bottomed for countless guys. I don’t believe that my abuse made me gay (I strongly believe one is born gay) but I continue to wonder if my abuser hadn’t fucked me, would I still have been a bottom? Just another question that’ll never be answered…

I relate so much to everything you said here. I was afraid but I loved bottoming even as a very young boy. I bottom very often too and it makes me think of him. I just don’t know if this would have been me if the abuse didn’t happen.

I struggle because he would tell me when he was raping me that “I loved it in the butt, I loved bottoming for my stepfather”. He just said it so many times I started to believe it. And I still don’t know if it was a result of brainwashing or if it would have been true even if I had not been raped. He told me it was consensual and not rape though because I loved it so much. Sorry for bumping an old post but I just wanted to say I relate to this a lot.

 

[dcwofhs90]

Made my way back on this website and M bumping my old post because the holidays make me feel so alone. I am feeling a lot of shame and self hatred tonight. I miss my abuser and it makes me hate myself. I feel attached to him even though I know he was sick. It keeps me up not knowing if he made me gay. Whenever I start to like myself I remember how intensely he groomed me and how he would always tell me that I was gay and that I loved it in the butt. I never told him I felt that way, he would tell me how I felt. And I hate myself because all the things he told me about myself ended up being true. And I don’t know if it was the result of brainwashing or if I was born this way. I don’t know where to go

I feel VERY strongly that you're born straight, gay, whatever. It is NOT a choice, nor is your sexual orientation the result of anything that happened (or didn't happen) to you.

I've often wondered if my abuser somehow knew I was gay. Like, was I putting out a gay vibe when I was 11? Something I'll never know...

 

[dcwofhs90]

I bottom very often too and it makes me think of him.

I suppose I was thinking of him when I was bottoming for hundreds (yes, there were a lot) of guys all throughout my 20s I met at the bars. I wanted to feel like a boy again.

I struggle because he would tell me when he was raping me that “I loved it in the butt, I loved bottoming for my stepfather”. He just said it so many times I started to believe it.

My abuser didn't really say much during sex. But he didn't have to say anything. The mere fact that I constantly showed up on his back porch in search of more sex said it all. I was addicted to it at 11.

 

[HelpingHand]

Hi guys, im happy to have found a safe place to share my story. I’m a gay male who has struggled with wondering whether or not my abuse impacted my sexuality. I have a lot of “bottom shame” as a gay male because it sometimes feels like my stepfather groomed and brainwashed me into being this way. He would always call me a fag and tell me I was gay before I even knew what that was. I’m sorry to be graphic (and a big trigger warning if you continue to read this) - one time my stepfather inserted a really big cucumber up my butt. I was panting and crying and he was shhhing me, patting me on the head, and cooing “I know, it’s quite big, isn’t it?” He always told me he was putting things up my butt because it made me feel good, and he wanted me to be happy. It was really hard for me to make the distinction between him comforting me when I was scared, and being the reason why I was scared. As I’m a little older now, I’m starting to see the abuse in a different light, while I had a lot of confusion before about whether or not he really was showing me something he thought I would enjoy. I know logically now that it’s sick and perverted and violating, but it’s almost more difficult to accept that, so I wonder if I make excuses for it to hurt less. And I do enjoy “receiving”, so I beat myself up over whether he successfully groomed me into what he wanted me to be. I don’t know if this made any sense. Thank you for reading without judging me and I’m sorry if I triggered anyone.

My abuse was from my wife's husband. My uncle my law but not by blood. Both of them abused me and worked me into their sexual relations. They were not mean about it, more like a sexual honesty and freedom thing. At the time, I was twelve the first summer, I knew it had to be a secret but did not think of it as abuse.. I stayed with them again when I was 14. I was much bigger and knew things more for what they were. My uncle had anal sex with me then and I left them feeling uneasy about it, but not so much abused. I never went back to be alone with them again, and did start to see it as abuse later. They thought they were just being sexually open and progressive, but it was abuse. They were perverted in a way that does harm. I think I was the only minor they victimized, but I can't be sure.

 

[Confused5252]

I really appreciate this thread even though it is graphic. I am in the same boat. I was forced to do many humiliating sexual acts (like mouth to anus) to my abusers and it developed into a kink later on in life. I've never formed a healthy sexual relationship as an adult because I see people through an abuser/victim lens. I am a "re-creator" with other adults and often roleplay the part of the abuser or victim from my past. It's really messed up and I don't know who I can talk to about it because its graphic and triggering so I just keep the secret inside me, slowing eating me up.

 

[Georgie]

Share it, to the degree you are comfortable, with a therapist.

 

[LittleSteve]

It's really messed up and I don't know who I can talk to about it because its graphic and triggering so I just keep the secret inside me, slowing eating me up.

You can talk about things like that here. If your unsure if is to graphic you can ask a moderator first before you post. If you look in survivor stories mine are extremely graphic and violent. The difference is that I’m telling it how it happened and not making it anything else than what it is.

It’s hard to describe the line but you can read the guide lines and if your sharing in the survivor stories a moderator will read it first and if there is a problem the will get in touch with you first.

Add a trigger warning if it’s difficult material so the guys will know and decide for themselves if they want to read it.

Most of the things here are triggering for some, that’s why we have tools like warnings so go ahead and share what you need to.

 

[GaD3!]

I really appreciate this thread even though it is graphic. I am in the same boat. I was forced to do many humiliating sexual acts (like mouth to anus) to my abusers and it developed into a kink later on in life. I've never formed a healthy sexual relationship as an adult because I see people through an abuser/victim lens. I am a "re-creator" with other adults and often roleplay the part of the abuser or victim from my past. It's really messed up and I don't know who I can talk to about it because its graphic and triggering so I just keep the secret inside me, slowing eating me up.

I would highly suggest that you seek out the help of a therapist who specializes in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues a regular therapist rarely has the training or experience necessary to help an abuse survivor.