I feel like I've been targeted for a long time
bluesteel
Registrant
I feel like I've been targeted for a long time as being gay or whatnot - there's a lot about my story I could talk about on this topic, but I'm just going to focus on how I feel I've been 'targeted' over the years.
When I was a kid I had some non-traditional masculine interests, but for me they always felt masculine. For example, I liked the musical the wizard of oz, but for me that was because I wanted to go there anf fight the witch. Nobody else saw it like that but me (eye of the beholder I guess).
As I got older, sometimes people would question my sexuality, let's say around middle school. I was dealing with personal issues at home and despite talking about girls all the time, a friend started a rumor I was gay. This was around the time I started to think I may have had attraction to men. I had an extremely absent father and wasn't always going to football games or what have you and I was always pressured into going into sports but never wanted to (however I did do sports just "not enough."
The abuse started around 12/13, but it could have been 14 - I'm still figuring out the timeline, but I'll just say 13. During this period men approached me online and then started using me to produce CSAM. Mostly around a daddy or master theme, but also around having a large cock/balls. I am still unpacking the memories because I shut them out and told myself it wasn't real. They would tell me things like "oh you are gay"
And then in high school, I met a boy my age that felt... similar. We became friends, then best friends, and then I wanted to be more than friends. Imagine Heartstopper, it was 100% spot on for me. One day he told me he was gay, I told him I thought I was too. We became even closer and eventually dated in secret and broke up before prom (I wanted to come out and go to prom, he was not ready). I actually started dating a girl during all this and expressed to my boyfriend when we were friends many times that I liked women. I eventually came to the conclusion that I was bi.
When I went to college, I thought about coming out as gay, which makes no sense if I liked women and was also still dating my girlfriend (she went to school in another state). I did not. I eventually made lots of friends and had a girl I spent all my time with but I never officially asked her out, I was just a very immature guy about that relationship, in my head looking back she was kind of girlfriend number 2.
Freshman year a man in my class found out I could be questioning (via the apps) and started texting me as my 'secret admirer' which was so fun. Eventually he revealed himself to be the guy that wanted to work on a project with me for a lab. I thought he was nice, but wasn't attracted to him. I went to his dorm and we were studying and hanging out. That's when he did something really disturbing. It wasn't violent, but it was not okay and actually illegal. If I had gone to admin about this (and they had believed me) he could have gotten in so much trouble to the point he could have been kicked out of school. He also would brag about doing it to me.
I had some other run ins like that at school, but when I joined a frat I was okay. Studying abroad everyone kept questioning me and tormenting me about "are you gay?" and they kinda pressured me. I never did anything with a guy abroad even. I asked why and the answer I got back was not even that helpful.
Then last few years in college and for a bit after I was okay. I always suspected people at my first job thought I was gay, but nothing ever came of that. This guy I was dating refused to accept I was bi and kept telling me I was gay then he eventually raped me when I wouldn't bottom for him.
Then I moved abroad again. I didn't have a lot of problems with the locals, but I did with other Americans. I was groped in the office and rubbed up against by a man when we were alone in a back room. A man I worked with that was gay pushed me to the ground and jumped on top of me and humped me and everyone laughed. And outside of work I was questioned a few times, but quite aggressively. I think two men in a group I used to party with were grooming me and trying to make me come out as gay or bi and they clearly wanted more.
I was once at a club and a man about my age came up to me and started just like trying to grind on me. Another time at another club 2 men came up to me and aggressively tried to undress me. There was a group that INSISTED I was gay and even yelled at me, I literally had a girlfriend that I lived with and they all knew her. I was harassed by another man that eventually assaulted me and wouldn't take no for an answer so I punched him in the face cuz I was done with this shit.
In my next job, I moved closer to home, I could tell that I was being questioned by a few co-workers that thought they were being sneaky. Someone else also asked me if I had a boyfriend. I was also pulled aside one day by a co-worker who told me "I think our boss is questioning his sexuality and I think he has some kind of feelings of attraction for you that he doesn't know how to deal with so watch out." The boss was terrible and he would love bomb me in the office then abuse me in front of everyone, he'd also leave condoms around for me to find and always put himself on projects with me. He also showed up at my hotel once to make sure I didn't have a girl over. I do think he was correct...
I went to a support group for bi men, and I was the ONLY person hit on, I was hit on in a support group in front of everyone!!!!
I am not good looking by any means and I am quite self aware and there's not really much to make people think I'm gay. I actually think of myself as extremely ugly (but a lot of that is because of my family bullying me from the time I was a kid which made that type of attention when I was younger more addicting). I also feel very uncomfortable that people feel comfortable like this with me, I'm a big man, strong, and I know how to fight (so why didn't I with the rape?).
I am like at this point where any new group I go to I have to immediately establish I'm straight like I go out of my way to do that now. I haven't really felt confident enough to make any new friends in a long time or go out of the house much (more so for other trauma and reasons than this, but I feel like everything is connected).
I've always had gay friends and never thought much of it, but now I am kind of phobic in the traditional sense of the word that something may happen. I also can't figure out why I feel like I'm always a target of this kind of attention. This is something I am going to try to work out with a therapist, but I only know my own experiences, nobody else's. Does this type of attention seem to follow you? Am I projecting? Is this normal?
I did go a bit off topic at times, but I was also providing context or expressing some related feelings that I wanted to get out. The memory of the men in the club (heterosexual club) by the way is a new memory, I had forgotten about that for a long time, they pushed me and grabbed and tried to take off my clothes and one felt me up - and this was in front of other people.
When I was a kid I had some non-traditional masculine interests, but for me they always felt masculine. For example, I liked the musical the wizard of oz, but for me that was because I wanted to go there anf fight the witch. Nobody else saw it like that but me (eye of the beholder I guess).
As I got older, sometimes people would question my sexuality, let's say around middle school. I was dealing with personal issues at home and despite talking about girls all the time, a friend started a rumor I was gay. This was around the time I started to think I may have had attraction to men. I had an extremely absent father and wasn't always going to football games or what have you and I was always pressured into going into sports but never wanted to (however I did do sports just "not enough."
The abuse started around 12/13, but it could have been 14 - I'm still figuring out the timeline, but I'll just say 13. During this period men approached me online and then started using me to produce CSAM. Mostly around a daddy or master theme, but also around having a large cock/balls. I am still unpacking the memories because I shut them out and told myself it wasn't real. They would tell me things like "oh you are gay"
And then in high school, I met a boy my age that felt... similar. We became friends, then best friends, and then I wanted to be more than friends. Imagine Heartstopper, it was 100% spot on for me. One day he told me he was gay, I told him I thought I was too. We became even closer and eventually dated in secret and broke up before prom (I wanted to come out and go to prom, he was not ready). I actually started dating a girl during all this and expressed to my boyfriend when we were friends many times that I liked women. I eventually came to the conclusion that I was bi.
When I went to college, I thought about coming out as gay, which makes no sense if I liked women and was also still dating my girlfriend (she went to school in another state). I did not. I eventually made lots of friends and had a girl I spent all my time with but I never officially asked her out, I was just a very immature guy about that relationship, in my head looking back she was kind of girlfriend number 2.
Freshman year a man in my class found out I could be questioning (via the apps) and started texting me as my 'secret admirer' which was so fun. Eventually he revealed himself to be the guy that wanted to work on a project with me for a lab. I thought he was nice, but wasn't attracted to him. I went to his dorm and we were studying and hanging out. That's when he did something really disturbing. It wasn't violent, but it was not okay and actually illegal. If I had gone to admin about this (and they had believed me) he could have gotten in so much trouble to the point he could have been kicked out of school. He also would brag about doing it to me.
I had some other run ins like that at school, but when I joined a frat I was okay. Studying abroad everyone kept questioning me and tormenting me about "are you gay?" and they kinda pressured me. I never did anything with a guy abroad even. I asked why and the answer I got back was not even that helpful.
Then last few years in college and for a bit after I was okay. I always suspected people at my first job thought I was gay, but nothing ever came of that. This guy I was dating refused to accept I was bi and kept telling me I was gay then he eventually raped me when I wouldn't bottom for him.
Then I moved abroad again. I didn't have a lot of problems with the locals, but I did with other Americans. I was groped in the office and rubbed up against by a man when we were alone in a back room. A man I worked with that was gay pushed me to the ground and jumped on top of me and humped me and everyone laughed. And outside of work I was questioned a few times, but quite aggressively. I think two men in a group I used to party with were grooming me and trying to make me come out as gay or bi and they clearly wanted more.
I was once at a club and a man about my age came up to me and started just like trying to grind on me. Another time at another club 2 men came up to me and aggressively tried to undress me. There was a group that INSISTED I was gay and even yelled at me, I literally had a girlfriend that I lived with and they all knew her. I was harassed by another man that eventually assaulted me and wouldn't take no for an answer so I punched him in the face cuz I was done with this shit.
In my next job, I moved closer to home, I could tell that I was being questioned by a few co-workers that thought they were being sneaky. Someone else also asked me if I had a boyfriend. I was also pulled aside one day by a co-worker who told me "I think our boss is questioning his sexuality and I think he has some kind of feelings of attraction for you that he doesn't know how to deal with so watch out." The boss was terrible and he would love bomb me in the office then abuse me in front of everyone, he'd also leave condoms around for me to find and always put himself on projects with me. He also showed up at my hotel once to make sure I didn't have a girl over. I do think he was correct...
I went to a support group for bi men, and I was the ONLY person hit on, I was hit on in a support group in front of everyone!!!!
I am not good looking by any means and I am quite self aware and there's not really much to make people think I'm gay. I actually think of myself as extremely ugly (but a lot of that is because of my family bullying me from the time I was a kid which made that type of attention when I was younger more addicting). I also feel very uncomfortable that people feel comfortable like this with me, I'm a big man, strong, and I know how to fight (so why didn't I with the rape?).
I am like at this point where any new group I go to I have to immediately establish I'm straight like I go out of my way to do that now. I haven't really felt confident enough to make any new friends in a long time or go out of the house much (more so for other trauma and reasons than this, but I feel like everything is connected).
I've always had gay friends and never thought much of it, but now I am kind of phobic in the traditional sense of the word that something may happen. I also can't figure out why I feel like I'm always a target of this kind of attention. This is something I am going to try to work out with a therapist, but I only know my own experiences, nobody else's. Does this type of attention seem to follow you? Am I projecting? Is this normal?
I did go a bit off topic at times, but I was also providing context or expressing some related feelings that I wanted to get out. The memory of the men in the club (heterosexual club) by the way is a new memory, I had forgotten about that for a long time, they pushed me and grabbed and tried to take off my clothes and one felt me up - and this was in front of other people.
