LittleSteve, The Real Torture Begins
****************Warning****************
If you’ve read the previous parts of my story, you know what this warning is about. This is my story of being trafficked from ages 4 to 6. Currently I’m four years old and this is at the beginning.I’m telling this in the way it happened when no sugarcoating, no metaphors, just the raw truth of what happened. What follows is graphic and violent almost beyond belief. Below are the links to the first five parts of my story if you wish to read it. This is very difficult to read, it was even more difficult to live through. Be warned this is very disturbing.
Little Steve, How I Survived Trafficking at age 4, 60 years ago. Triggers definitely Part 1
Little Steve, The Basement: A Four-Year-Old Shown His Fate Part 2
Little Steve, Sexual Programming, A Horror Story Part 3
Little Steve, I watched a boy killed, as a warning Part 4 Extreme Trigger Warning
Little Steve, Slave to a Sadistic Serial Killer at Age 4 Part 5
In the last part, I told you in the beginning of some of the good things that happened in my life afterwards so if you haven’t a read part 5 that’s some of the good stuff.
I’ve had the realization that the memories of uncle Bill‘s house and that I was over there all the time are really bad. My therapist has been concerned about my mood that I am not doing as well as far as my mood goes and that it’s starting to affect me.
I agree with her, uncle Bill is a sadistic serial killer and I am his slave and for the next three years he’s going to torture me, little four-year-old me. Between ages 4, 5 and 6, I’m looking at the potential for hundreds of incidents of being tortured by him. Fortunately, since my dad‘s home on the weekends, and we were usually busy, I get weekends off ha ha ha. I guess you could say this is my day job. Going to kindergarten and getting tortured by a sadist. That’s what I’m looking forward to and even if he only does it twice a week for three years that’s like 150 times, yeah I see a mountain in front of me that I have to climb to heal. This huge mountain of torture, that’s all it’s going to be. That’s what he wants, is to torture me. I don’t even think the sex is part of it anymore. There’s probably some of that to come I don’t know. Other than the one time, he’s never had sex with me that I remember yet, and that was when he was filming me. For him, I think the sex is secondary. I think the torture is what he wants.
Journal Entry October 4, 2025: 2:21 PM I just finished another somatic memory, this one was different from the last one it started out the same with the sensation of my head and the top of my head, the ball cap area, this time the feet were next. They got restrained and then the wrists. It was different this time as there was something across my neck as well and it made it kind of hard to breathe. There wasn’t a whole lot of pain this time, I just ended up getting an erection and the whole memory lasted about an hour. I didn’t orgasm in the present, I probably did in the past, but this time there wasn’t a lot of just random pain or anything. My fingers hurt a lot, but it wasn’t nearly as painful as last time and then it just kind of stopped.
I didn’t sleep very well last night. I got a couple hours and woke up around midnight and couldn’t get back to sleep, I stayed up for about an hour and then I tried to go back to sleep for another hour, and didn’t really sleep so I took a nap this morning. That's actually what I came into the journal room to do. It’s around 1 o’clock and that’s when the somatic reaction started. I did get quite a bit of pain in my toe, left big toe, which was the one that activated after the BDSM scene. The one that caused the multiple erections, same spot.
Yeah, when I was coming in, I looked and the mask on my face was getting pretty dark. I knew something was coming, not as bad as the last one, but I was anxious this morning. When I went for a walk, my pulse was up, I’m not sure what was up with that but it’s twice now that I’ve had these and been anxious before, I’m not sure exactly why, but again this is plain somatic. There are no visuals or anything, but I’m sure it’s uncle Bill‘s basement. I did have a fair amount of pain in my penis, that was different from last time.
This time it was quite different and I didn’t know why at first because uncle Bill wasn’t content just to tie me up he wanted to make me scream, this wasn’t uncle Bill that did this. This was Sherman. He’s making his 12-year-old son torture me. He was there making sure he did it right. The intensity was a lot different and there was a lot more attention to my penis this time. It wasn’t quite as long either but it was different from what uncle Bill did. What uncle Bill did was constant pain, constant switching from one place to another making the pain almost continuously, no breaks. I don’t know if I’m making any noise. I don’t see anything in either of these. I know I’m in the basement of his house, but I don’t know what the basement looks like. I guess in some ways it’s a little bit of a comfort, but in some ways, it’s not. I’m sure with the level of pain, I’m having as a child, I was screaming, in fact, I suspect that’s what uncle Bill really wants, is to hear me scream. I think this is the first time Sherman has had to torture me and uncle Bill was there guiding him every minute of it making sure that I screamed a lot. I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of man that enjoys making a four year-old little boy scream and cry in agony, that's what he enjoys.
I realized all the trouble he went to pick me. If you look at my last story, you saw what I looked like when I was 4, a bright smiling child, full of life, intelligent and that’s what he wanted to destroy.
Journal Entry October 6, 2025: I’m still struggling with this fact that Sherman’s torturing me just like uncle Bill did not the same way, but similar. I guess I just don’t know how to feel about it because on one hand, I truly believe he did keep me from being disposed of or at least I believed that at the time. Who knows maybe he did, I don’t know if I’ll ever answer that question because only uncle Bill really knows the answer so unless he told me and it’s in there someplace, I guess I’ll never know. And I’m still at the beginning, so maybe he was reluctant at first, who knows maybe he was reluctant the whole time but he certainly had to do it. There’s no way he could’ve defied uncle Bill, nobody could’ve.
So I may never know his motivation and I guess in some ways it doesn’t really matter whether he had to do it or whether he chose to do it. It still happened, I guess I’m just gonna stay conflicted about this and I guess I’m not gonna worry about it too much. I’ll see what happens here, but there was an obvious difference between the two sessions. I mean I could even tell that, I even noticed that when I describe the second one how different it was and how it really wasn’t much at all, but uncle Bill is gonna do his best to turn Sherman into a copy of himself. That I’m pretty sure of, it’s probably gonna get worse from him. Uncle Bill is already gonna do his worst. In some ways, this is insane, I’m analyzing the differences in my torture sessions and able to tell who’s torturing me by what they’re doing.
As I said before, it’s getting a little daunting because this is what I’m looking at for maybe the next year experiencing torture after torture. I don’t know, so far there’s been no visuals of uncle Bill‘s basement from now on, I’m just gonna call it the basement. I did call the other place the basement, that was one day. I do have an image of what the stairs look like, I think that image is uncle Bill's stairs. I’m not 100% sure yet.
Journal Entry October 7, 2025: 4:45 PM I got out of my therapist's office and I was thinking of going and checking out a museum. I started heading that way and then I started dissociating, I figured better go home. By the time I got home I was at a disassociation 5 of 10. I got home and had a couple bowls of cereal and then went into my journal room. This time I did get a little bit of a visual and the stairs were uncle Bill‘s basement stairs. I was in the middle of the room and there was a table. Uncle Bill lifted me up and put me on the table and took my clothes off, then the visual went away.
This one started with the feeling that somebody was giving me oral on my penis and I think it was uncle Bill. It went on for a minute or two and then I think he put a clothespin on my penis. I think because I knew what was coming my penis was pulled in, he did oral to get it out so he could torture it, cause it was pretty painful. Whatever that head thing is, he puts on me next, it hurts so bad, and this time it wasn’t just my head. It was my face on my eyes, around my eyes, my nose and upper jaw, the whole upper part of my head basically hurt. That was the only thing that was on for a while, he let me sit with that pain. He started with the different pain parts, a lot of my feet today, not sure why he was kind of concentrating on the feet, but the clothespin stayed on for about 25 minutes, till I orgasmed, then he took that off. He kept up the pain in lots of other places, my calves, lots on my hands again, at about an hour and 10 minutes there was a pause for about 5 to 10 minutes and then it picked up again. Seems like two hours is about what he does and then finally it stopped.
I now know the stairs that I was thinking are definitely uncle Bill stairs in the basement. This time, I saw him put me on the table and get started, so now I know part of what the basement looks like.
In the past, my therapist cautioned my husband and me about sharing trauma details. He didn’t really understand what I was going through or had gone through. I’d sent him the link to a couple of my stories and he didn’t read them directly. He ran them through GTP for a summary so that he wouldn’t read it directly. With as bad I was at home he decided he needed to know. He read the portion himself about uncle Bill killing the boy in front of me. And we talked about it. He had no idea how bad this was. He really didn’t understand. And I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t expect anybody to understand how bad this was, to think somebody would do that to a four year-old child. Murder a boy in front of me and wipe the blood from the dead boy on my face. That's pure evil.
It turned out it was a good thing, not the murder, him reading about it.. He did finally understand how difficult things are for me. It's really helped the past couple days. He's realized that this is gonna be a longer-term thing than he thought, it’s not gonna be a couple of months to get over this.
He shared this with his therapist and what she told him was that the fact that I was able to make room for him and connect with him, make space for him while this is going on, tells her how much I really love him. I do, he is my world and I love him like I’ve never loved anybody else in my life. She also said that he needs to give me some grace. I was doing my best. I think that helped us a lot. He now understands the true gravity of what I’m facing, and the uphill battle that I’ve got to get through this. But the fact that he’s willing to face this with me tells me how much he really loves me.
Journal Entry October 12, 2025: 3:16 PM had another somatic replay today. This one was not uncle Bill. This was in uncle Bill‘s basement but it wasn’t being done by Sherman or uncle Bill, it was completely different. I think it was almost all electrical, pretty strong too. It wasn’t like somatic waves, it was more like before when they were training me, where it was more like a vibration. Lots of pain in my hands and feet, but I wasn’t tied down at all. There was no feeling of being tied down like before in uncle Bill‘s basement. There’s not that heavy pressure on my head and my face. I didn’t have any of that at all and this one the vibration moved around a lot one point it was even up into my jaw. I got erections three different times and the second time actually I almost felt like I was getting close to orgasm in the present, but each one went to an orgasm and then the erection dropped off pretty quickly afterwards that tells me I orgasmed in the past. I say about an hour, maybe an hour and a half, quite a bit different from what uncle Bill does. At times the vibration was very intense on my penis, so I think he was moving the electrical sources around because it changed from time to time.
At the beginning, I didn’t think this was uncle Bill's basement, that I was someplace else, but it felt the same as his basement. I mean the feeling of the room did. Turns out I was wrong again, now I know what this was, this was a client. I wasn’t just looking at uncle Bill torturing me and Sherman torturing me. Since I was in school, it wasn’t possible for him to be taking me to clients during the day and there wouldn't have been much time between the time I got home from school and dinner. The clients would come to his house after school so they could torture me there in his basement. This was the first client which explained why it was so different. This one liked electrical stuff, as more of these happened it was obvious not just from the differences in the torture itself. Most of the clients got an hour to an hour and 15 minutes. Uncle Bill usually gave me a full two hours and Sherman was more like an hour and 15 to an hour and a half. This is so fucked up that I’m analyzing who and what is happening based on how they’re torturing me.
Each one of them had their own style, the things that they focused on, the way they induce pain, like this previous one he liked a lot more sexual activity. Now I’m not just looking at uncle Bill and Sherman torturing me for the next three years, he’s bringing clients over to the house to torture me as well. The mountain’s getting bigger.
Journal Entry October 16, 2025: 3 PM just finished another somatic memory. This one was kind of similar to the other one. I wasn’t tied down again, lots of pain in my hands. This time they brought me to an orgasm four different times. There was something quite a bit different about this one, twice during that time it felt like there was something being inserted anally, not small either, something that felt like there was some size to it and I had several times during that also where I got the same oral sensation of having something put in my mouth. It was about an hour and 20 minutes which is about the exact same time as the other one and the other two lots of pain, but not like uncle Bill did. Lots of very different areas this time rather than the knees, he focused on my hands. My hands are really sore right now, so this is quite a bit different and that aspect not as much pain in the feet, but a lot of this was really concentrated in my hands. I didn’t orgasm in the present, but I had a lot of fluid releases after, very different kind of session this time. I didn’t get the sensation of being held down like uncle Bill’s or Sherman, not sure if this is a client or what this was but my hands are still throbbing just from the memory.
If it seems like I’m including quite a few of these, I guess I’m doing it to demonstrate what I’m looking at. As I said at the end of each of my stories, I keep thinking the worst has happened and it turns out it’s never been the case. If you notice the description of the tortures are getting shorter it’s becoming routine. Uncle Bill was not just gonna torture me physically though he had to make it a lot worse and here’s how it gets worse.
Journal Entry October 17, 2025: 8:09 AM I had another memory come back this morning. In the past few days I’ve had some thoughts and I didn’t journal them because I thought they were just thoughts. One of the strongest parts of my sexuality, I repeated over and over and over again, and my most desirable type of sexual activity was fisting. I wondered where this came from because it would not be possible for adults to do that to a four or five year-old child. It would only be possible for another child to do that to me. I realized a child my age like his younger son would probably not be able to do that. It would be difficult to get him to do it in a way that uncle Bill would want. One of the threads that was started a while back in the trafficking forums, was the fact that some of these boys were older 10,12,15 and part of what was required of them was to abuse the younger children, like me. Unfortunately I realized there was a 12 year old that could fist me.
This morning in the chat, they were talking about fantasizing about their abuse, which I had a lot of difficulty understanding. We have talked about it in the past and I saw this is extremely unhealthy, without even the psychological background. I just saw that doing that would be very counterproductive and would not be helpful at all in healing. I asked some questions and then I think I finally got an understanding of why they do it. But as one of the guys said, their therapist called it maladaptive behavior. My sense was that this is a bad thing and it was right on the money. I asked a few questions and understand that it can provide some very temporary relief but as a long-term strategy, it’s very detrimental.
The other part that I understood was a lot of it had to do with parts of their abuse,that if they enjoyed it or it was pleasurable or something like that and that it was a way to try and take some control over the portions that were bad. I understand, from my perspective I saw this is just bad, because everything that happened to me was horrendous and violent and there was nothing pleasurable about any of it, not in the least. This discussion is what triggered the memory.
I’m laying on the table in the basement and my perspective is from behind my head to the right and my legs are up in the air and Sherman is between my legs and he has his hand inserted in me and he says “I’m sorry. I love you.“
This one hurts almost more than anything else so far. I knew he loved me and I guess what I read about what the older kids had to do to the little kids in these trafficking situations. It didn’t really sink in what it would mean. I suspected that some of the torture in the basement with Sherman because of how little it really was. But this in the middle of hurting me like this that he would tell me he loves me. I knew he loved me, of that I was certain, absolutely. Now I know why I feel this way about this. Why I have confused sex with love. Why am I subconscious favored this type of activity so much, because to me subconsciously this was love.
Yeah, you read that right uncle Bill was making Sherman torture me and he’s apologizing and telling me he loves me while he’s doing it. He has no choice. His father kills children. He’s going to do what his father says, but now I know why I could never see Sherman as a villain, regardless of the fact that he hurt me, because he also loved me. We didn’t fool uncle Bill for a second, I’m sure he knew what was going on. He knew that Sherman would love me and that I loved him and he used that to make it worse. He wasn’t content with just physically torturing me. He wanted to psychological torture me as well.
I’m gonna skip some of the intermediate torture sessions so I can bring you up-to-date.
Journal entry October 30, 2025: I had another somatic memory this morning. This one was another session in the basement and it was Sherman this time and I got some words with it. I didn’t have any visuals or anything so I mean visually I don’t know if it was Sherman, but here’s what he said, “You havafta scream, otherwise, I’m gonna havafta do this for real.”
Shortly after that, there were two very strong pain spots, one on my forehead and one on my foot so maybe I wasn’t screaming enough or loud enough or convincingly enough. After that there wasn’t any other real pain at all other than from the headpiece that causes that and no sexual stimulation or anything the whole session. It lasted for about 45 minutes or so. There was something else that was kind of strange. It happened exactly kinda like when you’re falling asleep and you all of a sudden just kinda startle awake I had about like six or seven of those, but I wasn’t falling asleep, so I’m not sure what that was. They were all at the beginning so I don’t know if I was getting startled by something or or what that was.
Sherman faking it. He’s trying not to torture me and I’m helping I think the two times he did it. The problem was probably I wasn’t being convincing enough and I guess this is also proof that uncle Bill’s actually letting him do it alone and he’s not observing at least not the last couple times. I think the first time he did and the reason I think that is it was very similar to what uncle Bill did, but the intensity was less and there was a lot more time in between the different parts where the pain induced was less, maybe like he’s either hesitating or maybe uncle Bill‘s explaining something to him how to do it. I don’t know but the one after that was completely different and this one there was no general genital stimulation. No nothing really just he didn’t even tie my hands and feet down. There were no ties or anything. I had clamp thing he did on my head and I have a feeling that probably did leave some marks afterwards, you know like clothing marks that disappear quickly. I guess this really confirms the fact that at least at this point he’s definitely unwilling. I mean, he’s faking it and getting me to help him do it. I think that’s why I couldn’t see him as a villain because obviously subconsciously I knew this and I guess that’s why that never fit for him.
We’re faking it, at this point Sherman doesn’t want to torture me and he’s trying not to but we have to be convincing cause uncle Bill is upstairs and if he doesn’t hear me screaming, he’ll know. I think he already does know that I’m convinced of it, he’s making Sherman torture me and we’re trying to get out of it. But I have to scream convincingly and I guess I wasn’t so sure he gave me a sample of what I needed to do and the fact that he didn’t for the rest of the session I guess I got it. I had to scream and I did.
My therapist and I have been discussing EMDR and I agreed I wanted to do it. She was concerned about a lot of things and thought this would really help so we scheduled it for Saturday the first of November. The reason we did that was she decided to come in on Saturday when the somatic memories start, they don’t stop, I can’t stop them, they have to play out. A lot of times, Uncle Bills are two hours long and so that’s not gonna work very well with our regular session time. Then I would be left with finishing it in the car in the parking lot by myself so that wasn’t gonna work. I may have said this before but she’s a fantastic therapist and so she came in on Saturday and I had my first EMDR session.
Before I describe this EMDR session, I’m just gonna briefly tell you I don’t process memories the same way everybody does. I should say almost everybody. I don’t have flashbacks. I don’t go into the memory at all. What EMDR does is maintain your awareness and cognitive abilities (dual cognitive awareness) in real time so you’re aware of where you’re at and what's going on around you. The room where you’re sitting all of that and yet the memory plays out so this is what EMDR does for most people allows them to experience a memory at reduced intensity and not be inside the memory. I don’t get the immersive memory recall or flashback at all. I've never experienced a memory in that way, my memories come like an EMDR session. In fact, my processing and how I remember memories, how I process them, go through them and then integrate them is exactly like what EMDR does. Anyway, it’s very unusual. I’m not sure my therapist was convinced until after this session. For example, grounding, to me is really silly, because I’m always in the present. I never go into the memory and I asked my husband how he experienced it and he described exactly what everybody else describes so for me basically, I experience everything, all my memories like an EMDR session.
Saturday, November 1, EMDR: We started out try a few different things with just uncle Bill and one or two other things and didn’t get anything so we decided to try uncle Bill‘s house and I had been in the bathroom where he choked me out, the living room and the kitchen. We decided to try Sherman‘s room to see if I could go into Sherman‘s room. I started down the hallway, the basement stairs on the left and on the left after the stairs is uncle Bill‘s bedroom. The door was open. The bathroom is on the right and Sherman‘s bedroom is down the hall. I really couldn’t see into his bedroom yet, in the past all that was black. As I was describing what I did see, I felt this very sharp pain on my neck. He pinched me very hard on that neck and shoulder, she suggested maybe I should go down the stairs into the basement. Actually that’s where the memory was going anyway uncle Bill pinched me and sent me downstairs. I went halfway downstairs and then I sat on the step for a little bit. I looked around the basement on the back wall, there are shelves and they’re full of stuff. There’s a table in the middle of the room and another small table on either side and there’s some stuff on them and the middle table is empty and there’s a round light over the table. The rest of the basement was kind of fuzzy. It’s not really big because these houses were built in the 40s and 50s and they’re not that big. This portion of the basement is under the living room and kitchen. There’s another part under the bedrooms, but that’s black at this point. She encourages me to go down into the basement and so I go down and I’m looking around. I hear uncle Bill coming. I hide except if you know from the description I just gave, there’s no place to hide. I hide in the corner between the shelves and one of the walls and I curl up really small and cover my eyes so he can’t see me. He always sees me. He always finds me. I can’t hide from him no matter how hard I try. He finds me and he grabs me and he puts me on the table, roughly removes my clothes, and I’m laying on the table naked. I don’t move. I just stay still. He goes out of my view around behind me and he puts the head clamp on me and he comes back around and looks at me. Then he leaves and I don’t know where he goes. At this point we’re still pausing the EMDR briefly. We’re not doing any grounding. She just periodically checks in and I tell her I’m here. I know where I’m at. In a few minutes he comes back with Sherman. I’m still naked on the table with my head clamped and an erection from the pain. He laughs at me, not a chuckle. He really laughs at me. This hurts so bad Sherman standing at the edge of the end of the table and uncle Bill was laughing at me while I’m stretched out on the table. I look up at the light and I just keep saying to myself over and over again look at the light, look at the light, look at the light. Uncle Bill leaves when Sherman starts. I can tell because it’s not that bad. I hate it. He doesn’t say anything to me, at least for about an hour and a half. Unlike when these happen in the past, I didn’t really get any visuals or much of anything. It was just physical, not this time. I got all the emotion. I cried the entire time in the real world. The memory doesn’t stop when the pain comes. She was stopping the EMDR every couple minutes and after a couple times, I finally told her. I said it doesn’t matter whether you stop the machine or not, it doesn’t change anything. The memory just continues to play out at this point. After that she just left the machine on for the rest of the session. I checked in periodically with her just to let her know I was still still here, but basically I just cried the whole time. When it finally stopped, we shut the machine off. Within a couple minutes I was back to normal. She couldn’t believe it actually within five minutes, I was completely relaxed and talking to her normally and then we spent the next half hour discussing it and what happened. After the session I checked my Apple Watch pulse record, and it never got above 100 the whole time.
It hurt so bad when he laughed at me. I was naked on the table and my head was strapped down, I had an erection and I couldn’t move. Sherman was standing next to him looking at me and uncle Bill laughed at me. He knew how much this would hurt, that’s why he did it. Just like he sent me down there alone, so I’ll try and hide from him even though there’s no place to hide, I still try and he brought Sherman down to make it worse when he laughed at me.
The last couple days I’ve had the after effects of the EMDR, very tired. My brain is kinda of sore, but I can tell there’s still a lot going on in there with the post processing and mild headache. I didn’t sleep very well the last couple nights, but that’s not unusual either from what I understand. I found out a lot from the session and even though it hurts I wanna know more. I wanna know what happened so that I can put it behind me and I think the EMDR is gonna help, I’m gonna continue with it. I wanna do more. But God some of this stuff is painful, and not just physically. I know at some point he’s gonna catch on that Sherman is not really torturing me much or maybe already knows but I’m sure he’s gonna change that. And then of course there’s gonna be the clients. There’s a lot more bad things to come and in the past and my story I’ve always ended with. I think the worst is over. I realize now it’s not and it’s never gonna be, not until he lets me go, which is in about three years from now.
If you’ve read the previous parts of my story, you know what this warning is about. This is my story of being trafficked from ages 4 to 6. Currently I’m four years old and this is at the beginning.I’m telling this in the way it happened when no sugarcoating, no metaphors, just the raw truth of what happened. What follows is graphic and violent almost beyond belief. Below are the links to the first five parts of my story if you wish to read it. This is very difficult to read, it was even more difficult to live through. Be warned this is very disturbing.
Little Steve, How I Survived Trafficking at age 4, 60 years ago. Triggers definitely Part 1
Little Steve, The Basement: A Four-Year-Old Shown His Fate Part 2
Little Steve, Sexual Programming, A Horror Story Part 3
Little Steve, I watched a boy killed, as a warning Part 4 Extreme Trigger Warning
Little Steve, Slave to a Sadistic Serial Killer at Age 4 Part 5
In the last part, I told you in the beginning of some of the good things that happened in my life afterwards so if you haven’t a read part 5 that’s some of the good stuff.
I’ve had the realization that the memories of uncle Bill‘s house and that I was over there all the time are really bad. My therapist has been concerned about my mood that I am not doing as well as far as my mood goes and that it’s starting to affect me.
I agree with her, uncle Bill is a sadistic serial killer and I am his slave and for the next three years he’s going to torture me, little four-year-old me. Between ages 4, 5 and 6, I’m looking at the potential for hundreds of incidents of being tortured by him. Fortunately, since my dad‘s home on the weekends, and we were usually busy, I get weekends off ha ha ha. I guess you could say this is my day job. Going to kindergarten and getting tortured by a sadist. That’s what I’m looking forward to and even if he only does it twice a week for three years that’s like 150 times, yeah I see a mountain in front of me that I have to climb to heal. This huge mountain of torture, that’s all it’s going to be. That’s what he wants, is to torture me. I don’t even think the sex is part of it anymore. There’s probably some of that to come I don’t know. Other than the one time, he’s never had sex with me that I remember yet, and that was when he was filming me. For him, I think the sex is secondary. I think the torture is what he wants.
Journal Entry October 4, 2025: 2:21 PM I just finished another somatic memory, this one was different from the last one it started out the same with the sensation of my head and the top of my head, the ball cap area, this time the feet were next. They got restrained and then the wrists. It was different this time as there was something across my neck as well and it made it kind of hard to breathe. There wasn’t a whole lot of pain this time, I just ended up getting an erection and the whole memory lasted about an hour. I didn’t orgasm in the present, I probably did in the past, but this time there wasn’t a lot of just random pain or anything. My fingers hurt a lot, but it wasn’t nearly as painful as last time and then it just kind of stopped.
I didn’t sleep very well last night. I got a couple hours and woke up around midnight and couldn’t get back to sleep, I stayed up for about an hour and then I tried to go back to sleep for another hour, and didn’t really sleep so I took a nap this morning. That's actually what I came into the journal room to do. It’s around 1 o’clock and that’s when the somatic reaction started. I did get quite a bit of pain in my toe, left big toe, which was the one that activated after the BDSM scene. The one that caused the multiple erections, same spot.
Yeah, when I was coming in, I looked and the mask on my face was getting pretty dark. I knew something was coming, not as bad as the last one, but I was anxious this morning. When I went for a walk, my pulse was up, I’m not sure what was up with that but it’s twice now that I’ve had these and been anxious before, I’m not sure exactly why, but again this is plain somatic. There are no visuals or anything, but I’m sure it’s uncle Bill‘s basement. I did have a fair amount of pain in my penis, that was different from last time.
This time it was quite different and I didn’t know why at first because uncle Bill wasn’t content just to tie me up he wanted to make me scream, this wasn’t uncle Bill that did this. This was Sherman. He’s making his 12-year-old son torture me. He was there making sure he did it right. The intensity was a lot different and there was a lot more attention to my penis this time. It wasn’t quite as long either but it was different from what uncle Bill did. What uncle Bill did was constant pain, constant switching from one place to another making the pain almost continuously, no breaks. I don’t know if I’m making any noise. I don’t see anything in either of these. I know I’m in the basement of his house, but I don’t know what the basement looks like. I guess in some ways it’s a little bit of a comfort, but in some ways, it’s not. I’m sure with the level of pain, I’m having as a child, I was screaming, in fact, I suspect that’s what uncle Bill really wants, is to hear me scream. I think this is the first time Sherman has had to torture me and uncle Bill was there guiding him every minute of it making sure that I screamed a lot. I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of man that enjoys making a four year-old little boy scream and cry in agony, that's what he enjoys.
I realized all the trouble he went to pick me. If you look at my last story, you saw what I looked like when I was 4, a bright smiling child, full of life, intelligent and that’s what he wanted to destroy.
Journal Entry October 6, 2025: I’m still struggling with this fact that Sherman’s torturing me just like uncle Bill did not the same way, but similar. I guess I just don’t know how to feel about it because on one hand, I truly believe he did keep me from being disposed of or at least I believed that at the time. Who knows maybe he did, I don’t know if I’ll ever answer that question because only uncle Bill really knows the answer so unless he told me and it’s in there someplace, I guess I’ll never know. And I’m still at the beginning, so maybe he was reluctant at first, who knows maybe he was reluctant the whole time but he certainly had to do it. There’s no way he could’ve defied uncle Bill, nobody could’ve.
So I may never know his motivation and I guess in some ways it doesn’t really matter whether he had to do it or whether he chose to do it. It still happened, I guess I’m just gonna stay conflicted about this and I guess I’m not gonna worry about it too much. I’ll see what happens here, but there was an obvious difference between the two sessions. I mean I could even tell that, I even noticed that when I describe the second one how different it was and how it really wasn’t much at all, but uncle Bill is gonna do his best to turn Sherman into a copy of himself. That I’m pretty sure of, it’s probably gonna get worse from him. Uncle Bill is already gonna do his worst. In some ways, this is insane, I’m analyzing the differences in my torture sessions and able to tell who’s torturing me by what they’re doing.
As I said before, it’s getting a little daunting because this is what I’m looking at for maybe the next year experiencing torture after torture. I don’t know, so far there’s been no visuals of uncle Bill‘s basement from now on, I’m just gonna call it the basement. I did call the other place the basement, that was one day. I do have an image of what the stairs look like, I think that image is uncle Bill's stairs. I’m not 100% sure yet.
Journal Entry October 7, 2025: 4:45 PM I got out of my therapist's office and I was thinking of going and checking out a museum. I started heading that way and then I started dissociating, I figured better go home. By the time I got home I was at a disassociation 5 of 10. I got home and had a couple bowls of cereal and then went into my journal room. This time I did get a little bit of a visual and the stairs were uncle Bill‘s basement stairs. I was in the middle of the room and there was a table. Uncle Bill lifted me up and put me on the table and took my clothes off, then the visual went away.
This one started with the feeling that somebody was giving me oral on my penis and I think it was uncle Bill. It went on for a minute or two and then I think he put a clothespin on my penis. I think because I knew what was coming my penis was pulled in, he did oral to get it out so he could torture it, cause it was pretty painful. Whatever that head thing is, he puts on me next, it hurts so bad, and this time it wasn’t just my head. It was my face on my eyes, around my eyes, my nose and upper jaw, the whole upper part of my head basically hurt. That was the only thing that was on for a while, he let me sit with that pain. He started with the different pain parts, a lot of my feet today, not sure why he was kind of concentrating on the feet, but the clothespin stayed on for about 25 minutes, till I orgasmed, then he took that off. He kept up the pain in lots of other places, my calves, lots on my hands again, at about an hour and 10 minutes there was a pause for about 5 to 10 minutes and then it picked up again. Seems like two hours is about what he does and then finally it stopped.
I now know the stairs that I was thinking are definitely uncle Bill stairs in the basement. This time, I saw him put me on the table and get started, so now I know part of what the basement looks like.
In the past, my therapist cautioned my husband and me about sharing trauma details. He didn’t really understand what I was going through or had gone through. I’d sent him the link to a couple of my stories and he didn’t read them directly. He ran them through GTP for a summary so that he wouldn’t read it directly. With as bad I was at home he decided he needed to know. He read the portion himself about uncle Bill killing the boy in front of me. And we talked about it. He had no idea how bad this was. He really didn’t understand. And I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t expect anybody to understand how bad this was, to think somebody would do that to a four year-old child. Murder a boy in front of me and wipe the blood from the dead boy on my face. That's pure evil.
It turned out it was a good thing, not the murder, him reading about it.. He did finally understand how difficult things are for me. It's really helped the past couple days. He's realized that this is gonna be a longer-term thing than he thought, it’s not gonna be a couple of months to get over this.
He shared this with his therapist and what she told him was that the fact that I was able to make room for him and connect with him, make space for him while this is going on, tells her how much I really love him. I do, he is my world and I love him like I’ve never loved anybody else in my life. She also said that he needs to give me some grace. I was doing my best. I think that helped us a lot. He now understands the true gravity of what I’m facing, and the uphill battle that I’ve got to get through this. But the fact that he’s willing to face this with me tells me how much he really loves me.
Journal Entry October 12, 2025: 3:16 PM had another somatic replay today. This one was not uncle Bill. This was in uncle Bill‘s basement but it wasn’t being done by Sherman or uncle Bill, it was completely different. I think it was almost all electrical, pretty strong too. It wasn’t like somatic waves, it was more like before when they were training me, where it was more like a vibration. Lots of pain in my hands and feet, but I wasn’t tied down at all. There was no feeling of being tied down like before in uncle Bill‘s basement. There’s not that heavy pressure on my head and my face. I didn’t have any of that at all and this one the vibration moved around a lot one point it was even up into my jaw. I got erections three different times and the second time actually I almost felt like I was getting close to orgasm in the present, but each one went to an orgasm and then the erection dropped off pretty quickly afterwards that tells me I orgasmed in the past. I say about an hour, maybe an hour and a half, quite a bit different from what uncle Bill does. At times the vibration was very intense on my penis, so I think he was moving the electrical sources around because it changed from time to time.
At the beginning, I didn’t think this was uncle Bill's basement, that I was someplace else, but it felt the same as his basement. I mean the feeling of the room did. Turns out I was wrong again, now I know what this was, this was a client. I wasn’t just looking at uncle Bill torturing me and Sherman torturing me. Since I was in school, it wasn’t possible for him to be taking me to clients during the day and there wouldn't have been much time between the time I got home from school and dinner. The clients would come to his house after school so they could torture me there in his basement. This was the first client which explained why it was so different. This one liked electrical stuff, as more of these happened it was obvious not just from the differences in the torture itself. Most of the clients got an hour to an hour and 15 minutes. Uncle Bill usually gave me a full two hours and Sherman was more like an hour and 15 to an hour and a half. This is so fucked up that I’m analyzing who and what is happening based on how they’re torturing me.
Each one of them had their own style, the things that they focused on, the way they induce pain, like this previous one he liked a lot more sexual activity. Now I’m not just looking at uncle Bill and Sherman torturing me for the next three years, he’s bringing clients over to the house to torture me as well. The mountain’s getting bigger.
Journal Entry October 16, 2025: 3 PM just finished another somatic memory. This one was kind of similar to the other one. I wasn’t tied down again, lots of pain in my hands. This time they brought me to an orgasm four different times. There was something quite a bit different about this one, twice during that time it felt like there was something being inserted anally, not small either, something that felt like there was some size to it and I had several times during that also where I got the same oral sensation of having something put in my mouth. It was about an hour and 20 minutes which is about the exact same time as the other one and the other two lots of pain, but not like uncle Bill did. Lots of very different areas this time rather than the knees, he focused on my hands. My hands are really sore right now, so this is quite a bit different and that aspect not as much pain in the feet, but a lot of this was really concentrated in my hands. I didn’t orgasm in the present, but I had a lot of fluid releases after, very different kind of session this time. I didn’t get the sensation of being held down like uncle Bill’s or Sherman, not sure if this is a client or what this was but my hands are still throbbing just from the memory.
If it seems like I’m including quite a few of these, I guess I’m doing it to demonstrate what I’m looking at. As I said at the end of each of my stories, I keep thinking the worst has happened and it turns out it’s never been the case. If you notice the description of the tortures are getting shorter it’s becoming routine. Uncle Bill was not just gonna torture me physically though he had to make it a lot worse and here’s how it gets worse.
Journal Entry October 17, 2025: 8:09 AM I had another memory come back this morning. In the past few days I’ve had some thoughts and I didn’t journal them because I thought they were just thoughts. One of the strongest parts of my sexuality, I repeated over and over and over again, and my most desirable type of sexual activity was fisting. I wondered where this came from because it would not be possible for adults to do that to a four or five year-old child. It would only be possible for another child to do that to me. I realized a child my age like his younger son would probably not be able to do that. It would be difficult to get him to do it in a way that uncle Bill would want. One of the threads that was started a while back in the trafficking forums, was the fact that some of these boys were older 10,12,15 and part of what was required of them was to abuse the younger children, like me. Unfortunately I realized there was a 12 year old that could fist me.
This morning in the chat, they were talking about fantasizing about their abuse, which I had a lot of difficulty understanding. We have talked about it in the past and I saw this is extremely unhealthy, without even the psychological background. I just saw that doing that would be very counterproductive and would not be helpful at all in healing. I asked some questions and then I think I finally got an understanding of why they do it. But as one of the guys said, their therapist called it maladaptive behavior. My sense was that this is a bad thing and it was right on the money. I asked a few questions and understand that it can provide some very temporary relief but as a long-term strategy, it’s very detrimental.
The other part that I understood was a lot of it had to do with parts of their abuse,that if they enjoyed it or it was pleasurable or something like that and that it was a way to try and take some control over the portions that were bad. I understand, from my perspective I saw this is just bad, because everything that happened to me was horrendous and violent and there was nothing pleasurable about any of it, not in the least. This discussion is what triggered the memory.
I’m laying on the table in the basement and my perspective is from behind my head to the right and my legs are up in the air and Sherman is between my legs and he has his hand inserted in me and he says “I’m sorry. I love you.“
This one hurts almost more than anything else so far. I knew he loved me and I guess what I read about what the older kids had to do to the little kids in these trafficking situations. It didn’t really sink in what it would mean. I suspected that some of the torture in the basement with Sherman because of how little it really was. But this in the middle of hurting me like this that he would tell me he loves me. I knew he loved me, of that I was certain, absolutely. Now I know why I feel this way about this. Why I have confused sex with love. Why am I subconscious favored this type of activity so much, because to me subconsciously this was love.
Yeah, you read that right uncle Bill was making Sherman torture me and he’s apologizing and telling me he loves me while he’s doing it. He has no choice. His father kills children. He’s going to do what his father says, but now I know why I could never see Sherman as a villain, regardless of the fact that he hurt me, because he also loved me. We didn’t fool uncle Bill for a second, I’m sure he knew what was going on. He knew that Sherman would love me and that I loved him and he used that to make it worse. He wasn’t content with just physically torturing me. He wanted to psychological torture me as well.
I’m gonna skip some of the intermediate torture sessions so I can bring you up-to-date.
Journal entry October 30, 2025: I had another somatic memory this morning. This one was another session in the basement and it was Sherman this time and I got some words with it. I didn’t have any visuals or anything so I mean visually I don’t know if it was Sherman, but here’s what he said, “You havafta scream, otherwise, I’m gonna havafta do this for real.”
Shortly after that, there were two very strong pain spots, one on my forehead and one on my foot so maybe I wasn’t screaming enough or loud enough or convincingly enough. After that there wasn’t any other real pain at all other than from the headpiece that causes that and no sexual stimulation or anything the whole session. It lasted for about 45 minutes or so. There was something else that was kind of strange. It happened exactly kinda like when you’re falling asleep and you all of a sudden just kinda startle awake I had about like six or seven of those, but I wasn’t falling asleep, so I’m not sure what that was. They were all at the beginning so I don’t know if I was getting startled by something or or what that was.
Sherman faking it. He’s trying not to torture me and I’m helping I think the two times he did it. The problem was probably I wasn’t being convincing enough and I guess this is also proof that uncle Bill’s actually letting him do it alone and he’s not observing at least not the last couple times. I think the first time he did and the reason I think that is it was very similar to what uncle Bill did, but the intensity was less and there was a lot more time in between the different parts where the pain induced was less, maybe like he’s either hesitating or maybe uncle Bill‘s explaining something to him how to do it. I don’t know but the one after that was completely different and this one there was no general genital stimulation. No nothing really just he didn’t even tie my hands and feet down. There were no ties or anything. I had clamp thing he did on my head and I have a feeling that probably did leave some marks afterwards, you know like clothing marks that disappear quickly. I guess this really confirms the fact that at least at this point he’s definitely unwilling. I mean, he’s faking it and getting me to help him do it. I think that’s why I couldn’t see him as a villain because obviously subconsciously I knew this and I guess that’s why that never fit for him.
We’re faking it, at this point Sherman doesn’t want to torture me and he’s trying not to but we have to be convincing cause uncle Bill is upstairs and if he doesn’t hear me screaming, he’ll know. I think he already does know that I’m convinced of it, he’s making Sherman torture me and we’re trying to get out of it. But I have to scream convincingly and I guess I wasn’t so sure he gave me a sample of what I needed to do and the fact that he didn’t for the rest of the session I guess I got it. I had to scream and I did.
My therapist and I have been discussing EMDR and I agreed I wanted to do it. She was concerned about a lot of things and thought this would really help so we scheduled it for Saturday the first of November. The reason we did that was she decided to come in on Saturday when the somatic memories start, they don’t stop, I can’t stop them, they have to play out. A lot of times, Uncle Bills are two hours long and so that’s not gonna work very well with our regular session time. Then I would be left with finishing it in the car in the parking lot by myself so that wasn’t gonna work. I may have said this before but she’s a fantastic therapist and so she came in on Saturday and I had my first EMDR session.
Before I describe this EMDR session, I’m just gonna briefly tell you I don’t process memories the same way everybody does. I should say almost everybody. I don’t have flashbacks. I don’t go into the memory at all. What EMDR does is maintain your awareness and cognitive abilities (dual cognitive awareness) in real time so you’re aware of where you’re at and what's going on around you. The room where you’re sitting all of that and yet the memory plays out so this is what EMDR does for most people allows them to experience a memory at reduced intensity and not be inside the memory. I don’t get the immersive memory recall or flashback at all. I've never experienced a memory in that way, my memories come like an EMDR session. In fact, my processing and how I remember memories, how I process them, go through them and then integrate them is exactly like what EMDR does. Anyway, it’s very unusual. I’m not sure my therapist was convinced until after this session. For example, grounding, to me is really silly, because I’m always in the present. I never go into the memory and I asked my husband how he experienced it and he described exactly what everybody else describes so for me basically, I experience everything, all my memories like an EMDR session.
Saturday, November 1, EMDR: We started out try a few different things with just uncle Bill and one or two other things and didn’t get anything so we decided to try uncle Bill‘s house and I had been in the bathroom where he choked me out, the living room and the kitchen. We decided to try Sherman‘s room to see if I could go into Sherman‘s room. I started down the hallway, the basement stairs on the left and on the left after the stairs is uncle Bill‘s bedroom. The door was open. The bathroom is on the right and Sherman‘s bedroom is down the hall. I really couldn’t see into his bedroom yet, in the past all that was black. As I was describing what I did see, I felt this very sharp pain on my neck. He pinched me very hard on that neck and shoulder, she suggested maybe I should go down the stairs into the basement. Actually that’s where the memory was going anyway uncle Bill pinched me and sent me downstairs. I went halfway downstairs and then I sat on the step for a little bit. I looked around the basement on the back wall, there are shelves and they’re full of stuff. There’s a table in the middle of the room and another small table on either side and there’s some stuff on them and the middle table is empty and there’s a round light over the table. The rest of the basement was kind of fuzzy. It’s not really big because these houses were built in the 40s and 50s and they’re not that big. This portion of the basement is under the living room and kitchen. There’s another part under the bedrooms, but that’s black at this point. She encourages me to go down into the basement and so I go down and I’m looking around. I hear uncle Bill coming. I hide except if you know from the description I just gave, there’s no place to hide. I hide in the corner between the shelves and one of the walls and I curl up really small and cover my eyes so he can’t see me. He always sees me. He always finds me. I can’t hide from him no matter how hard I try. He finds me and he grabs me and he puts me on the table, roughly removes my clothes, and I’m laying on the table naked. I don’t move. I just stay still. He goes out of my view around behind me and he puts the head clamp on me and he comes back around and looks at me. Then he leaves and I don’t know where he goes. At this point we’re still pausing the EMDR briefly. We’re not doing any grounding. She just periodically checks in and I tell her I’m here. I know where I’m at. In a few minutes he comes back with Sherman. I’m still naked on the table with my head clamped and an erection from the pain. He laughs at me, not a chuckle. He really laughs at me. This hurts so bad Sherman standing at the edge of the end of the table and uncle Bill was laughing at me while I’m stretched out on the table. I look up at the light and I just keep saying to myself over and over again look at the light, look at the light, look at the light. Uncle Bill leaves when Sherman starts. I can tell because it’s not that bad. I hate it. He doesn’t say anything to me, at least for about an hour and a half. Unlike when these happen in the past, I didn’t really get any visuals or much of anything. It was just physical, not this time. I got all the emotion. I cried the entire time in the real world. The memory doesn’t stop when the pain comes. She was stopping the EMDR every couple minutes and after a couple times, I finally told her. I said it doesn’t matter whether you stop the machine or not, it doesn’t change anything. The memory just continues to play out at this point. After that she just left the machine on for the rest of the session. I checked in periodically with her just to let her know I was still still here, but basically I just cried the whole time. When it finally stopped, we shut the machine off. Within a couple minutes I was back to normal. She couldn’t believe it actually within five minutes, I was completely relaxed and talking to her normally and then we spent the next half hour discussing it and what happened. After the session I checked my Apple Watch pulse record, and it never got above 100 the whole time.
It hurt so bad when he laughed at me. I was naked on the table and my head was strapped down, I had an erection and I couldn’t move. Sherman was standing next to him looking at me and uncle Bill laughed at me. He knew how much this would hurt, that’s why he did it. Just like he sent me down there alone, so I’ll try and hide from him even though there’s no place to hide, I still try and he brought Sherman down to make it worse when he laughed at me.
The last couple days I’ve had the after effects of the EMDR, very tired. My brain is kinda of sore, but I can tell there’s still a lot going on in there with the post processing and mild headache. I didn’t sleep very well the last couple nights, but that’s not unusual either from what I understand. I found out a lot from the session and even though it hurts I wanna know more. I wanna know what happened so that I can put it behind me and I think the EMDR is gonna help, I’m gonna continue with it. I wanna do more. But God some of this stuff is painful, and not just physically. I know at some point he’s gonna catch on that Sherman is not really torturing me much or maybe already knows but I’m sure he’s gonna change that. And then of course there’s gonna be the clients. There’s a lot more bad things to come and in the past and my story I’ve always ended with. I think the worst is over. I realize now it’s not and it’s never gonna be, not until he lets me go, which is in about three years from now.
