Blah. Photos.

[TheNewMason]

It's not a secret that I don't really like having my picture taken. My friends in "real life" know this because I am not constantly documenting everything little thing I'm going. My vacation photos rarely have me in them. And, of course, i've talked about it at length here. Seems like a lot of survivors are in the same boat.

But, one of my friends does this really sweet thing. He's a hobbiest photographer and he takes a portrait every of his friends around their birthday every year. In my friend circle it is just assumed that we all sit for a portrait and it's a bonding thing blah, blah blah.

So being the new friend in the mix, I got mine taken last year. And I agonized over it. But when it was done, I was proud of myself and thought it was a great step with this recovery stuff. But here we are again. My birthday is next week. And I have the same anxiety again.

I'm contemplating disclosing on a very high level to him why I am hesitant to do this photo every year. Maybe if he knows that it means more than just a fun friend project it will make me chill out about it?

So much of my abuse was documented with photos and film. But, I'm not triggered by the experience of having my photo taken or even being in a photo shoot environment. (I work with photographers and am around shoots all the time for work.) So that's not the issue. I think it's more about body image issues. I had to be perfect. The shots had to be exactly correct or we would have to do it again. So there was a lot of pressure on me to maintain this impossible standard.

And it gets complicated discussing these issues because people who know me in real life just see a decent looking man. Like, I shouldn't be complaining about my body. Or I shouldn't have body image issues because I'm "attractive." But because I was an attractive kid, I was "cast" and subsequently abused. So even now when I receive compliments on my appearance, it feels hollow. It feels objectifying. It feels like my value is still all in my appearance.

Blah. Just rambling.

 

[Mikhail098]

I get it -- I hate getting my photo taken. I'm sure your friend would be understanding if you shared. And if it would help you I think it's absolutely worth sharing.

 

[leith70613]

It's not a secret that I don't really like having my picture taken. My friends in "real life" know this because I am not constantly documenting everything little thing I'm going. My vacation photos rarely have me in them. And, of course, i've talked about it at length here. Seems like a lot of survivors are in the same boat.

But, one of my friends does this really sweet thing. He's a hobbiest photographer and he takes a portrait every of his friends around their birthday every year. In my friend circle it is just assumed that we all sit for a portrait and it's a bonding thing blah, blah blah.

So being the new friend in the mix, I got mine taken last year. And I agonized over it. But when it was done, I was proud of myself and thought it was a great step with this recovery stuff. But here we are again. My birthday is next week. And I have the same anxiety again.

I'm contemplating disclosing on a very high level to him why I am hesitant to do this photo every year. Maybe if he knows that it means more than just a fun friend project it will make me chill out about it?

So much of my abuse was documented with photos and film. But, I'm not triggered by the experience of having my photo taken or even being in a photo shoot environment. (I work with photographers and am around shoots all the time for work.) So that's not the issue. I think it's more about body image issues. I had to be perfect. The shots had to be exactly correct or we would have to do it again. So there was a lot of pressure on me to maintain this impossible standard.

And it gets complicated discussing these issues because people who know me in real life just see a decent looking man. Like, I shouldn't be complaining about my body. Or I shouldn't have body image issues because I'm "attractive." But because I was an attractive kid, I was "cast" and subsequently abused. So even now when I receive compliments on my appearance, it feels hollow. It feels objectifying. It feels like my value is still all in my appearance.

Blah. Just rambling.

Hey brother Mason, I totally understand where you're coming from. As a fellow survivor, I know how complicated it can be to face something that seems simple to others. It's awesome that you're part of a supportive friend circle, but it's also okay to have mixed feelings about the photo tradition.

Sharing a bit of your background with your friend could be helpful. It might make the whole experience feel less pressured if he knows why it's more than just a fun project for you. It's a big deal to trust someone with that part of your story, but it could also deepen your bond and make the whole process more comfortable for you.

The anxiety around body image is so real, especially when it’s tied to past trauma. It’s not just about being in photos, but all the pressure and impossible standards we were forced to meet. It’s like every shot had to be perfect, and that pressure sticks with you. I get that hollow feeling when people compliment your appearance. It’s like they’re only seeing the surface and not the struggles behind it.

Your feelings are valid, and you don’t have to justify them to anyone. It’s frustrating when people think you shouldn’t have body image issues because you’re 'attractive.' They don’t see the history and the pain that comes with those 'compliments.' It’s not just about looks, it’s about the trauma tied to those looks.

It's okay to have anxiety about the photo. It doesn't make you ungrateful or weak. You're navigating a really tough road, and it's okay to take steps that prioritize your mental health. Maybe telling your friend a bit about why this is hard for you will help him understand and support you better. Your worth goes far beyond your appearance, and you deserve to be seen for who you are, not just how you look.

You're not alone in this. It’s okay to ramble and vent, it’s part of processing and healing. Wishing you strength and peace as your birthday approaches. Take care. ☆

 

[MSUser2024]

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[Tableau in Stasis]

Yeah I am just barely now starting to get slightly more comfortable with "imperfect" photos of me existing. Like I'm always in total control, I swear I have a sixth sense for noticing anytime someone is taking candid photo (people are probably gotten real candid photos of me less times than I can count on one hand in the last decade), and an unposed unpolished photo feels horrible. But my partner loves them... The photos I didn't spend hours on are the ones they often like best. And while I can take those photos now more often at least, I still can't look at them myself or see what they do in them. I can and will take them, send them, and then lock them away so I don't have to see them again. But it really really hurts and is quite hard and I know for a near fact I almost certainly don't have the quantity of traumatic instances behind this that you do, so I imagine it is turned up to 11.