Sharing With Friends

[kobrahkaii]

I have only recently shared in therapy about my abuse - it's something that I pretty much buried and put away and never planned on discussing.

Now, the scab has been ripped off and it's pretty much all I can think about or deal with - I shared with my wife even though I didn't want to .....my body basically had a full nervous system shutdown and I ended up sharing with her as well.

My wife and I are struggling with marital issues - and she said that right now, she is unable/unwilling to take on the added weight of me dealing with the abuse....which I totally get. She has her own mental health challenges, our marriage is hanging on by a thread, etc.

So - right now I'm sitting with this by myself, completely alone. Yes, there's this forum - and no offense intended but it's not the same as having people you know and love and support you. I live in a town where I have friends, but not friends I would share this sort of information to. My closest friends are a few hours away - and I could easily reach out to them - but I am afraid to do so.

My question for this board is - how did you share with people close to you? I don't want to share details about the abuse other than it happened, I don't want to appear "less than" to my friends, I don't want to be pitied, I don't want anything but for them to listen....and it sounds easy to just SAY that.....but my brain isn't believing it yet.

 

[Mikhail098]

I met my closest friend when we were both teenagers and I was still in the abuse, that's also when I first disclosed to her.
The first time I shared with her was not carefully decided, but I was having a panic attack at that moment and my worries spilled out.
What was much harder was taking the initiative to talk about it in a calm way which is what you're trying to do, though you're introducing the topic of abuse for the first time with them and that's difficult. You can start by saying there are some sensitive things you'd like to share. See how their response is and go from there. Let the conversation go back and forth, it may be easier to open up if you show that you need some encouragement and compassion beforehand.
That's how it typically goes in the times I have brought up the abuse with my friend. First stating I want to share something difficult, her responding and affirming that she is accepting in whatever I say. It makes the action of telling easier.

 

[GaD3!]

I have never shared any details with those close to me. My children know that I was abused and that is about all they know. I once shared a bit more- the specific type of abuse with my oldest son and he started to cry. After that- never again. I have told a few others- just that I was sexually abused and left it at that. Truthfully I don't think you will seem "less than" to your friends- nor be pitied. If they truly care for you I don't think it will be an issue for them- other than concern for you or sadness that you were abused. Of course you need to be comfortable talking about it yourself. It is not always easy to do, at least early on- at least that is how it was for me.

 

[usmc97]

how did you share with people close to you? I don't want to share details about the abuse other than it happened, I don't want to appear "less than" to my friends, I don't want to be pitied, I don't want anything but for them to listen....and it sounds easy to just SAY that.....but my brain isn't believing it yet.

My family barely knows only after a big blow up with my mom's husband (not my bio father). He was physically and mentally abusive which made me a vulnerable boy to get sexually abused by others. My little sister and a cousin have been my real only support in the family. I've shared with friends old and new over the years and it's gotten easier. Reactions differ but the vast majority just signify and express they care. They don't give advice. They volunteered to listen if I need to talk about anything in the future. Most of them know the details to a very high degree. A ton more detail than I've written on MS or shared in the podcast interview I did.

One thing with a couple of them was just to be direct and tell them what I needed from them. So, something like, "I'd like to share something with you. I just want you to listen. I don't want any advice. It's just stuff I feel I can trust you with if that's okay? I'm afraid you'll think different of me if I do tell you but I want to if you'll listen. This is really hard for me."

I've never had a friend say they didn't want to listen. I've had some friends where it wasn't the best reaction. It was uncomfortable for them. I've lost a few friendships because of it, but got support from so so many others. I'm kind of weird. I have a number of men I can talk to about my stuff, easily over 20 not counting the support group I facilitate. It's been worth it as hard as it was to put things out there. I was afraid. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I still am but I work through it. At some point I hope to talk about it openly in public. I'm not there yet, but it's my goal.

 

[the-part-that-stayed]

I have only recently shared in therapy about my abuse - it's something that I pretty much buried and put away and never planned on discussing.

Now, the scab has been ripped off and it's pretty much all I can think about or deal with - I shared with my wife even though I didn't want to .....my body basically had a full nervous system shutdown and I ended up sharing with her as well.

My wife and I are struggling with marital issues - and she said that right now, she is unable/unwilling to take on the added weight of me dealing with the abuse....which I totally get. She has her own mental health challenges, our marriage is hanging on by a thread, etc.

So - right now I'm sitting with this by myself, completely alone. Yes, there's this forum - and no offense intended but it's not the same as having people you know and love and support you. I live in a town where I have friends, but not friends I would share this sort of information to. My closest friends are a few hours away - and I could easily reach out to them - but I am afraid to do so.

My question for this board is - how did you share with people close to you? I don't want to share details about the abuse other than it happened, I don't want to appear "less than" to my friends, I don't want to be pitied, I don't want anything but for them to listen....and it sounds easy to just SAY that.....but my brain isn't believing it yet.

I haven't told any friends yet. I have become such a recluse I rarely see them anymore.

 

[dcwofhs90]

My question for this board is - how did you share with people close to you?

I've done this twice. The first time, I was in my early 20s. I wanted to share it with a girl who I thought was a really good friend. Almost immediately after I began telling her, she abruptly interrupted me and said, "...I don't want to hear about it." It was really quite devastating and our friendship didn't last much longer. After that I put my abuse in the back of my mind and kind of forgot about it. Fast forward a few decades...I found my 6th grade school picture (my profile picture) in my parent's attic one day and memories and emotions start flooding my mind. Not long after, I found this site. I started opening up to the guys here, which gave me the courage to tell one of my best friends (and next door neighbor) one night. He doesn't understand some of the reasons why I feel the way I feel, but he's honestly trying to understand. When I told him, it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Telling him was the best decision I ever made. I know he's always there for me, and that might be a rare thing. It's difficult to say how it'll go because it depends on so many different circumstances. I was lucky, but not everyone has who I have in my life. I wish you all the best in your healing journey.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I don’t actually have any friends to talk about all of the horrible things that have happened to me. I rarely talk about my senior year of high school and how the car accident the popular kid had traumatized me in a completely unexpected way or my suicide attempt. There’s really only one person I’ve ever told everything that had happened to me and made me so messed up and how I’m afraid that all this trauma is why no one wants to be with me. I have a lot of baggage and triggers for flashbacks. I can’t watch any of Law and Order shows especially SVU, I freeze if I see anyone fling a rubber band and actually assume the fetal position, I immediately duck and cover my head if I see someone tossing a pencil or pen towards me, certain words and phrases trigger me so badly that my brain immediately shuts itself down to prevent another meltdown and then I become extremely quiet and un able to speak and have this totally blank stare and can only do a few basic movements and I become unresponsive to anything else around me for at least two hours, I’m angry because I can never get any justice for what has happened to me, and I often wonder if I’m good enough for anyone to want me. I keep thinking that no one wants to be with someone as messed up as I am. I really have no one other than my therapist that I can talk to about these issues. I may not have been sexually abused as a child or even by a family member but I honestly feel like what I’ve been through is far worse as all of it happened even before I turned 30 and a majority of the trauma happened in only four years in a row. I tried to kill myself in class one day and no one noticed the attempt or even cared enough to see if I was even okay. I can’t really talk about that because WHO can actually relate to that situation? Nobody knows how truly awful it feels to be so close to ending your life surrounded by people and no one caring about you to the point that it goes unnoticed. I mean how the hell do you not notice a person staring at the blade of a knife out in the open for twenty minutes?!