*Triggers Possible* Providing him a warm mouth to cum in

[Jack1]

This post is from a DM as a response to another member here about my difficulty in having normal male friendships. I thought might be helpful to some of the guys here.


I can't thank you enough for your thoughtful information.

While reading it I realized that not only did I suck many penises, not only was I trained how to do it, not only was I trained to deep throat men, I was trained to please the men as much as possible and to really enjoy the experience. As you mentioned, the pleasant taste of pre-cum, the feeling of the weight of a penis on my tongue, and most of all, the ecstatic feeling of triumph when I would hear them groan and feel their cock spasm and cum in my mouth. I had forgotten how that training was instilled into my young mind and also into my body. I had forgotten that I had men who mentored me in the art of sucking cock. I now understand that when the men told me I was a "good little cock sucker" it wasn't meant as an Insult, it was them acknowledging just how good I was at sucking them. I now even remember how I was trained to get past any male odor or urine taste and suck them with enthusiasm.

Along with that I was trained to be very submissive too. Some men didn't want it to look like I enjoyed the experience, they wanted it to appear that I was being forced to suck them or if the sucking was just to get them hard so they could penetrate me, to look like I didn't want to be sodomized. Every part of every sex act I took part in was made up to please some man's perverse desire.

You mention "closeness to him" and that struck me as odd at first but after a bit of thought it really fits as I do feel an underlying closeness to him. As an adult I have never had any close male friend where I wasn't "the guy providing head." I remember about 25 years ago I went on a bicycle weekend to the mountains with my BIL and four of his friends. It was a great adventure, the cabin where we stayed was great and the weather was perfect. I recall the first evening after a day of intense cycling one of the guys asked if I shaved my legs like the pro riders as I have almost no body hair except on my head. It triggered me and I suddenly had a strong desire to suck all their cocks. I wanted to be a part of the group but the comment made me feel like an outsider and because the comment was directed to my physical appearance, letting them use me for sex seemed the way to gain closeness. Thinking about this closeness you mentioned, pleasing a man sexually was the only way I knew to have a close friend or to be accepted as part of a group of men. It was how I was trained to be.

As a young man I found that the men who I provided blow jobs to would be my friends and the ones who I propositioned and who turned me down didn't want to have anything to do with me after that. That reinforced the idea that I had to sexually please men before they would be friends with me. I had a failed marriage in my early 20's and that also helped to reinforce my desire to have male friends who I would suck off. Then shortly after I was divorced I met the woman I have been married to now for 49 years. Because of my secret history of CSA, the marriage was difficult but we managed and with careers, kids and a home to maintain, I wasn't so interested in having a male friend. Now that my kids are grown and have kids of their own I am wanting some male bonding and it seems that the desire is exposing itself as a desire to provide oral pleasure.

I feel a need to admit I am the friend who wants to suck cock. It is who I have been almost all my life. My desire for friendship with another man seems to be directly attached to his penis. Whenever I see a potential friend the first thing I think about is "what does his cock look and taste like." Sometimes I wonder if sucking cock is so we can be friends or if being friends is so I can suck his cock. I'm not even sure I would know how to be friends with a man when I wasn't providing him a warm mouth to cum in. To get back to the original issue, thanks to your message I now have a better understanding of why I have a strong desire to give my friend head. It doesn't make the issue suddenly disappear but I at least know the how and the why and can better handle a friendship with a man. I'm certain that with prayer, the Lord will give me the strength to make the right decisions.

Thanks again

 

[Bennyboy]

This is true for me to a point. I’m very much drawn to having a sexual connection to others because of my past with my grandpa. I crave that intimacy he created with his sexual play.

I look for still now and some of it is healthy and some not so healthy.

 

[KevinGKG]

I feel a need to admit I am the friend who wants to suck cock. It is who I have been almost all my life. My desire for friendship with another man seems to be directly attached to his penis.

This was something I realized in my late 20s. It was most prominent when I was in my teens though and still living at home. I can't think of a childhood or adolescent friend I had where I didn't obsess over the possibility of sex. Less so when I got off into college and work, but it was still there. I had to share a hotel room with a co-worker once. He was about 20 yrs older and not shy at all about dressing or undressing in the hotel room. I was so nervous! I had to go to the bathroom to undress because as soon as my pants came down I got hard. After that I reflected back on events in school or dorm rooms and realized how long I'd been that way with this exact type of thought.

 

[Jack1]

. I crave that intimacy he created with his sexual play.

I think that's a big part of the reason my friendship with men leans toward the physical aspect.

 

[Jack1]

. I can't think of a childhood or adolescent friend I had where I didn't obsess over the possibility of sex.

Although I didn't have a strong recollection of the childhood abuse, I did the same thing. And it ruined a lot of potential friendships. In fact, acting out with my best friend in high school ruined the best friendship I ever had.

 

[softpeach]

I have had the same experience as you. When I was a child, I was sexually assaulted several times by classmates or older children. Since we were not adults, I did not receive much harm, not much pain. However, strangely enough, while I clearly knew that this was not a good thing, it seemed that I gradually became obsessed with this feeling, so that I became more and more obedient and began to be interested in male genitalia. My heart was very conflicted and I didn't know what was wrong with myself

 

[Jack1]

I just woke from an afternoon nap and of course this guy was what I was dreaming about again.

 

[.aseity]

everything here is more than im really ready to face up to. i do recognize the pattern and relate in ways. especially when working and surrounded by other men at the job i would be overthinking situations where i was going to be cornered and used sexually. i always struggled between preparing myself to submit to them, and to rationalize that we are all just there to work so try to blend in and just be one of the guys.

i dont know how much i gave off signals or how much was just crude teasing. some guys would go as far as to joke about ganging up on me to take turns with me, and i would just laugh it off and intensely focus on my work.

ive never cheated on my wife but there was a time she was accusing me of cheating with other men. even after defending myself in that argument and asuring her i hadn't and wouldn't, it wasn't enough for her because there was still the chance that i would eventually. i still dont know what started all of that, but when you have someone telling you something about yourself enough you start to question how true it is. -- so i became vulnerable to my attractions and notice myself fantasizing about being used by coworkers. i went to a coworker's house after work one day to help him assemble some furniture and i jokingly admitted that my wife probably thinks we are fucking around, and he presented himself for me to make a move. i almost acted on that but i thought how devastating it would be to prove my wife was right the whole time so i just went out to my car and left.

i dont think ive ever embraced homosexuality. i was ridiculed and talked down as a closeted gay since i could count how old i was on one hand, and i suppressed all sexuality but it was never enough. i preferred to think of myself as non-sexual but i never shook the criticism of being a "faggot"... so whenever i have fantasies of sexual intimacy with a man i feel shame. it always feels wrong to want gentle sexual connection to a man. that's different than how i feel when it involves force or violence, i can accept that more easily. but i was still scared, how could i ever explain to my wife i let it happen.

when i first disclosed to her about being raped when i was younger, it was difficult for her to hear. i still dont tell her much of anything since but i feel less judged now days. i guess there was a dual edge sword of stigma where on one side i tell myself "they threatened to kill me" and the other side "you let it happen" and both cut deep. in plenty of other incidences i never shared with her, threats did not escalate to death for me to submit, but in that tense time i must of felt that one time would be the easiest to reconcile. still, she did not want to think of people doing those things to me and she cant do anything about it except know about it. that made me feel too like i had hurt her and buried my hurt even deeper.

sorry if this wasn't entirely relevant

 

[Jack1]

sorry if this wasn't entirely relevant

It was completely relevant. In fact it was spot on. I never embraced homosexuality either since I was hetero but that didn't stop my desire to pleasure other men.

ive never cheated on my wife but there was a time she was accusing me of cheating with other men.

My wife, who I've told about my CSA, has never accused me of cheating on her with men but she has made several comments that she didn't want me to participate in a particular activity with some man for fear I would want to submit to him. My T has also asked me if I was tempted at times to be a submissive sex partner to other men. I really don't think I give off vibes even though at my age I am still an attractive man. Somehow though It always reminds me of something that happened about 25 years ago. I was at an expensive restaurant with my wife, sister and BIL. It was in a very old building and when I went to the restroom in the basement the room had a row of 6 or 8 urinals and a few stalls. No one was there so I used the first urinal. As I was emptying my bladder another man in a suit came in and walked to the other end of the urinals and started peeing. As I was finishing I looked over at him and he was standing facing me with his enormous penis in his hand. I froze. Suddenly I was the eight year old boy who sucked cock and I had the urge to do it again. Quickly he put his large member in his pants, smiled at me and walked out. I stood there for a few minutes, flustered and somehow excited until I was able to calm down and walk out. That same feeling when seeing his cock is what I feel when thinking of sucking off a male friend.

 

[Curiouspaints]

This post is from a DM as a response to another member here about my difficulty in having normal male friendships. I thought might be helpful to some of the guys here.


I can't thank you enough for your thoughtful information.

While reading it I realized that not only did I suck many penises, not only was I trained how to do it, not only was I trained to deep throat men, I was trained to please the men as much as possible and to really enjoy the experience. As you mentioned, the pleasant taste of pre-cum, the feeling of the weight of a penis on my tongue, and most of all, the ecstatic feeling of triumph when I would hear them groan and feel their cock spasm and cum in my mouth. I had forgotten how that training was instilled into my young mind and also into my body. I had forgotten that I had men who mentored me in the art of sucking cock. I now understand that when the men told me I was a "good little cock sucker" it wasn't meant as an Insult, it was them acknowledging just how good I was at sucking them. I now even remember how I was trained to get past any male odor or urine taste and suck them with enthusiasm.

Along with that I was trained to be very submissive too. Some men didn't want it to look like I enjoyed the experience, they wanted it to appear that I was being forced to suck them or if the sucking was just to get them hard so they could penetrate me, to look like I didn't want to be sodomized. Every part of every sex act I took part in was made up to please some man's perverse desire.

You mention "closeness to him" and that struck me as odd at first but after a bit of thought it really fits as I do feel an underlying closeness to him. As an adult I have never had any close male friend where I wasn't "the guy providing head." I remember about 25 years ago I went on a bicycle weekend to the mountains with my BIL and four of his friends. It was a great adventure, the cabin where we stayed was great and the weather was perfect. I recall the first evening after a day of intense cycling one of the guys asked if I shaved my legs like the pro riders as I have almost no body hair except on my head. It triggered me and I suddenly had a strong desire to suck all their cocks. I wanted to be a part of the group but the comment made me feel like an outsider and because the comment was directed to my physical appearance, letting them use me for sex seemed the way to gain closeness. Thinking about this closeness you mentioned, pleasing a man sexually was the only way I knew to have a close friend or to be accepted as part of a group of men. It was how I was trained to be.

As a young man I found that the men who I provided blow jobs to would be my friends and the ones who I propositioned and who turned me down didn't want to have anything to do with me after that. That reinforced the idea that I had to sexually please men before they would be friends with me. I had a failed marriage in my early 20's and that also helped to reinforce my desire to have male friends who I would suck off. Then shortly after I was divorced I met the woman I have been married to now for 49 years. Because of my secret history of CSA, the marriage was difficult but we managed and with careers, kids and a home to maintain, I wasn't so interested in having a male friend. Now that my kids are grown and have kids of their own I am wanting some male bonding and it seems that the desire is exposing itself as a desire to provide oral pleasure.

I feel a need to admit I am the friend who wants to suck cock. It is who I have been almost all my life. My desire for friendship with another man seems to be directly attached to his penis. Whenever I see a potential friend the first thing I think about is "what does his cock look and taste like." Sometimes I wonder if sucking cock is so we can be friends or if being friends is so I can suck his cock. I'm not even sure I would know how to be friends with a man when I wasn't providing him a warm mouth to cum in. To get back to the original issue, thanks to your message I now have a better understanding of why I have a strong desire to give my friend head. It doesn't make the issue suddenly disappear but I at least know the how and the why and can better handle a friendship with a man. I'm certain that with prayer, the Lord will give me the strength to make the right decisions.

Thanks again

You where heard @Jack1